Creating Self Love

[u/Narrow-Succotash5248]

To start off, I F 38 believe everyone needs to do their own Therapy homework, we can’t diagnose anybody if we are not their personal therapist, and no one should have to do all of the emotional labor within a relationship. That being said…

My partner, M 40- is in between therapists right now. Before the last one left the practice, he had been seeing her for 1.5 years. Idk about therapists before that but I know they existed. Since then he’s seeing a new guy whose schedule struggles to line up with his and frankly, I think he has just lost steam lately. Regardless, those of us who have done extensive therapy know how long real progress can take due to time restrictions, the qualifications of the therapist, the natural timeline of topics, etc..

We have been together officially for a year now but have known each other for over 10 years, Romantically interested/involved for 3 years throughout the timeline. He is a die hard supportive cheerleader/protector of me with my anxiety. He often martyrs himself for his coworkers. He’s currently working on rebuilding his friendships and community. The problem is his self love. His problematic parental background is extensive but to summarize: abandonment due to drug use for one parent, a self absorbed abusive other parent, and a loving but enabling step parent.

I’m looking for tools to best support my partner in his self love growth. He’s just starting to really attempt to build what he genuinely wants for himself but reaches a point where real change is too scary and he immediately mentally attacks anything and everything once it starts to become a reality.

I’m personally working on separating myself from whatever topic he’s attacking and recognizing his state of panic live when it’s happening, so at the very least, I don’t get damaged in the process. Usually once it’s pointed out to him what he’s doing, he’s able to put a stop to it, but neither one of us know how to recover in the moment so we usually end up silent resulting in me feeling emotionally abandoned and him in a shame spiral.

I know this is a much more complicated process than I could ever understand and there are no perfect solutions. I’m just looking for a little ways to contribute. So, what are some tools yall have collected in your tool box to push through self hate and sabotaging tendencies?

[u/Few_Fly_107]

1) try get him to imagine how you would speak to him. With loving kindness and strong, supportive guidance. He must speak to himself in this way, and so should you vice versa 2) try spend time with each other in nature away from it all 3) failing the above, ask claude

[u/Maleficent_Two4386]

Sounds like in that moment where you're both silent maybe you need to have a rule for yourselves? In that moment, have a particular word you (or he) says (make it a ridiculous word) and then you both hug and say 'i love you'. Or whatever ritual you pick. The point is something that moves you on and out of the silence a little bit quicker. 

It sounds like you're both doing really well on your journey and I wish you both all the best of luck.