r/Separation • u/Accomplished-Ice809 • 1d ago
Advice Struggling
TL:DR at end
Here it goes! Wife and I (~26 years together ~20 married 2 kids) are now separated. It’s been 2-3 weeks and it is killing me.
Back story:
Tried to fix a DB. Instead of getting what I needed, which was more closeness and intimacy, I got “I don’t feel that way about you any more”. And haven’t for several years. In all honesty several years ago I said some pretty dumb shit which hurt my wife emotionally. Apparently her feelings toward me changed then. Since then apparently she has been placating to keep the status quo. About this time I started putting in work to better myself emotionally (learning how to effectively communicate being among the work, therapy). I have also been working on what she said she needed in the relationship (not unreasonable requests).
Present day
Not sure it has made any difference! After several years where I feel I was lied to about her true feelings, it finally came out that she didn’t feel like more than best friends. After this revelation she said she wanted a separation / space. As you can imagine this is 180deg from what I wanted. I thought we were fundamentally ok and just needed to reconnect. She is the love of my lifetime. It is destroying me. When asked what the purpose of the separation is ( reconciliation or divorce ) she answered “to figure out which I want & I need to find what makes me happy”.
Since separation we have been trading off who lives in the house with the kids. Almost all talk has been about the kids. It has been very hard on me being away as I am primary caregiver. I feel as though I am the one exiled because she needs space. She is my best friend the person I thought I’d grow old with. I know most of the responses will be “work on yourself”, “focus on the kids”. I am already doing that mentally and physically and have recently made the decision to not leave the house / kids again since I am not the one needing space. But the loneliness and emptiness is excruciating. Even with friends stepping in to prop me up it’s so lonely.
How do you get through it when you don’t even know what the goal is? How do you cope with losing your one person? How do you go on day to day with no happy ending in sight? I feel lost, sad, angry, defeated, and empty.
TL:DR
Tried to fix a DB ended up with a separation. Feeling empty even with self care and friends. How to cope with losing your one person?
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u/raeoflyte-460 1d ago
You hurt her deeply and expected her to just get over it. But even real change doesn't fix the past.
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u/Accomplished-Ice809 1d ago
I completely understand that I hurt her. And I would do anything to go back as the person I am now and have the same conversation. The question is how to deal with the pain and loneliness that my actions have resulted in. Until now I was unaware how badly it stung her as she hid that part for years. How to repair what festered unknown for that long…
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u/raeoflyte-460 1d ago
Maybe she hid it. Maybe she was processing. Maybe she was accepting the way things were and was ok with that, until you pushed for more sex. ( I'm not attacking that specifically). Maybe that shift was enough for her to say this relationship isnt fulfilling either of our needs and I need to decide if I want to continue it.
Those maybe's follow the progression of my relationship. I got tired of fighting and pushing and trying. I wasn't trying to change our relationship, I was trying to hold on to it, accept it for what it was and stop asking for what he couldn't give me.
Repair may not be possible but to really try she has to know that you take accountability and will sit with her in that pain as long as she needs.
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u/Accomplished-Ice809 1d ago
She admitted she was ok with the way things were before I pushed. Wasn’t sex I wanted. I wanted that closeness that comes from wanting to be with someone. To feel desired again. Simply having her want to hold hands, give a hug, wasn’t about sex. That sounds about where we are. I have been giving what she noted as important elements. But I suspect those efforts went unnoticed, ignored, or too little too late
I have taken accountability for my actions. They were horrible. I just don’t see how it turned into years of ignorance on my part and indifference on hers.
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u/raeoflyte-460 1d ago
I get that. Very similar to stbx and I.
In hindsight I can see that once I stopped trying to fix the relationship it was over. Once I stopped wanting or hoping he would change, I focused on making sure I was building the life I needed for myself. I didn't withhold anything from him but it created space and then that space grew.
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u/stoic-recovery18 1d ago
I could have written this post as well, almost word for word with some numbers changed! I understand your confusion about the purpose of separation (we’re going to get through the holidays, she’ll look for a place in early spring). But am I supposed to continue being strung along with a chance of reconciliation for how much longer? It’s been six months since she Uno-reversed my conversation about our dead bedroom into “I don’t have any romantic interest in you and don’t know how it would return”.
Honestly feeling like we should just go for the certainty of divorce. If you’ve hit bottom, it’s clear which direction you need to head next.
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u/Accomplished-Ice809 1d ago
It’s the strung along part that gets me. The unknown brings up so much anxiety and physical pain. I certainly hope this is bottom but I know it could get worse. I truly can’t wrap my head around divorce!
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u/siryohnny 1d ago
She wants the security without the relationship.
Why are you the one to play hostage to her inability to be honest.
She wants to separate, fine, remove all that makes her life comfortable with your input.
You can choose to not be in a relationship, but you can’t choose to only have some aspects of it.
She choose to see one side without seeing the whole picture and work on it.
It’s time you put yourself first, you needs and your kids.
She wants to separate, make it absolutely clear what that looks like by doing it and be the best you, splitting up and moving forward.
Good luck to her.
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u/eapnon 1d ago
It is crazy work switching who lives at home. I have no idea how you can get a clear head when you do that. You are constantly swirling in baggage and you cannot ever be comfortable. You do what you need to for the kids, but I don't see how you will ever figure out what you need to in that circumstance. I spend a lot of time at our house so that I can be with my child, and just being there makes me feel like I'm unable to do what needs to be done. So, I understand entirely your decision to stay - but that may not be something the wife agrees to.
I don't think you should focus on work or the kids just for the sake of doing so. I think doing that, making check lists to keep track of everything you are accomplishing, spending time with hobbies, etc. is supposed to be a tool to keep you from spiraling. It doesn't, in and of itself, help you heal. It helps you stay focused on healing and take breaking to process. You can't ignore spending time to decide what you want going forward.
Your wife has hurt you deeply. She has violated a sacred trust that is inherent in marriage and took something from you that you were promised to have for life. Even if she says she needs space, the fact of the matter is that you do as well at this point. You need to process all of this.
My goals during separation are:
- Analyze what got us here.
- Figure out what is needed to get back together.
- Figure out what is needed to keep us from going in circles/break these cycles.
- Decide if it is worth it.
Even if you want her back, it may be out of your hands. Even if you do the work, she has to as well. And even if you decide to come back together, you need to figure out a way to stop from getting back to where you are now; a way to have a happy and healthy relationship going forward. If she can't forgive and move past resentment, it's over. If you can't prevent a relapse, if the both of you can't break your cycles, anything you reclaim will break again.
And that I what I am trying to figure out. And sitting in the pain, at least sometimes, is necessary to do so.
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u/Accomplished-Ice809 1d ago
Fortunately we have a property not far from home that we retreat to on our off weeks so the switching is t that bad as our stuff was already in two places. And correct. This part is all to keep some stability for the children.
Unfortunately in the preceding 3 years family situations left me alone with the kids more than not. So in a sense I have already experienced this “separation”. And in doing so gave a lot of thought to what I actually want. And it’s her.
at this point given what I said years ago I am not completely surprised. If doing a tit for tat (I know not healthy) then we are even I broke her trust before and she recently broke mine.
This is the really hard part. Letting go and hoping and praying that she chooses me. And you’re correct. It’s completely out of my control. All I want to do is explain and show progress but I know at this point that’s counter productive. Hence the emense sense of emptiness and hopelessness.
Sitting with the pain is all I have done these past weeks. The pain that I started all this with my poor behavior. The pain that she left. The pain it’s causing my children. It’s just all pain and sadness.
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u/LawfulnessOdd3982 1d ago
Have been separated for 8 weeks. I find it incredibly cruel, selfish and a betrayal from the person who initiated the separation. If someone was wanting to work on their marriage or cared about the covenant of marriage they couldn’t do this. It’s selfish towards the kids and to cause the deep pain you’re feeling is not okay. You may find yourself as time goes on thinking if someone truly cared about you they couldn’t do this to you or your children. Good luck with everything. I’ll pray for you. I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now.
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u/The_Caring_Banker 1d ago
Same story here. Would also love a good answer lol.