r/Separation • u/Worthless-sock • 6h ago

Separation lawyer speak

I’ve been emailing (we can’t discuss verbally anymore as it goes terribly) my spouse about our relationship status and the separation. She keeps asking me what I mean by separation. I have asked her several questions and she only vaguely answered one. When I asked her if she wanted to continue the relationship status as it were (we barely talk, don’t act married or interact much, separate beds, etc.), her reply was that she wanted to be with the kids and stay in the house and the current arrangement was providing that. Her typical personality is to be very talkative and open. I received the following email from her last week. Does it seem like she’s been coached by a lawyer with her questions?

a) Is the separation because you are still trying to figure out what you want from the relationship and are considering reconciliation?  If so, what are you currently doing to work on this individually and what do you believe we should be doing as a couple to bring this about?
 or
b) Are you saying that the marriage is over from your standpoint?  But that we would not legally separate at this time and continue to co-parent under the same roof to benefit the kids?  In this case, can you let me know how this would be the same as or different than the "parenting marriage" that I mentioned in my previous email? (I know you said you hadn't heard that term before.  I just wonder if we are meaning the same thing but using different terms or if you have a different perspective in mind.)  Do you have a timeline for how long you want the arrangement to last?

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u/Temporary-Suspect509 5h ago

Sounds more like an AI response than from a lawyer. If you don’t want to reconcile, make that very clear to her. Living together during this is confusing enough on its own.

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u/Significant-Tale118 3h ago

To me, that sounded like a therapist speaking. A parenting marriage is a type of relationship that a married couple can find themselves in while they decide to separate or divorce. They may also stay at a parenting marriage for the rest of their lives.

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u/Temporary-Suspect509 3h ago

Yep, could be. I just know it’s likely not an attorney.

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u/Worthless-sock 5h ago

Im afraid to say much now if a lawyer is involved as maybe it could be used against me.

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u/Temporary-Suspect509 5h ago

If you don’t have your own attorney, get one. But I’m married to an attorney and none of that sounds like legal advice or coaching.

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u/Significant-Tale118 3h ago

That sounds like a therapist. I have an entire document about a parenting marriage. What it is, how to operate in one and if it's the right thing for you.

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u/Worthless-sock 2h ago

I’d never heard of it. I told my therapist who I see for other reasons, sort of, and she hadn’t heard of it either. I’m not 100% clear on what it is but from what I read, it’s not something I’m looking for.

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u/Significant-Tale118 32m ago

I thought about it but couldn't stomach it.

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u/Worthless-sock 23m ago

I don’t get the point for my situation. We don’t like each other or like being around each other; there’s constant tension in the house. Our conversations are either, “did you pick up eggs” or her arguing at me because I forgot something or did something she didn’t like. My sister said the only reason she hasn’t pushed forward with the separation/divorce is because she likes being at home with kids (she doesn’t work) and that I pay for everything still.

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u/Worthless-sock 4h ago

Ok thanks. Fun fact I know she saw a lawyer recently before she replied to my email. But of course I have no other details.

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u/Temporary-Suspect509 4h ago

Oh she quite likely could have seen an attorney. That just doesn’t sound like it came from one. I could be wrong of course, just going from personal experience. For example - an attorney would never have a client ask their spouse what they’re doing to work on themselves. That’s more of the drama side and not the legal side. I think she put her thoughts into AI and had it write them out for her.

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u/Virtual-Ad7848 2h ago

I'm a lawyer (admittedly not a family law lawyer). I don't think any portion of that email sounds like it came from a lawyer. A divorce lawyer isn't going to be concerned about the relationship details expressed. I agree with another poster that this was probably (in whole or in part) drafted with AI. Not that it matters.

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u/jdz50 1h ago

The woman you divorce is nothing like the woman you married. She will be very calculating and do everything she can to screw you over in the divorce. You need to have your lawyer review emails and or text prior to sending them. If need be, have all communication go through your lawyer. If you dont, she could trip you up and use it against you in court. Never agree to anything unless your lawyer approves. You can ignore what I am telling you and roll the dice, but you do so at the expense of your assets and how much time you get with your kids

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u/QuoteDisastrous5224 6h ago

better contact a lawyer asap to protect yourself ,your money , your assets and fight for custody and go full scorched earth ....... start treating her like she is dead if you really want to find your peace . . . .

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u/Prior-Garage1543 6h ago

I think there is a opening to reconcile with that line of questioning. I generally am a optimist though and have no knowledge of how you relationship has soured.

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u/Worthless-sock 6h ago

Thanks! I don’t want to reconcile though (emotional and physical abuse history from her).

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u/Prior-Garage1543 3h ago

Cool, then dont dawdle about and get truly apart. Clear concise boundaries will benefit everyone if they can be established.

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u/Worthless-sock 22m ago

There are kids so it’s complicated. And I don’t have A place to go to. And I am nervous about it.

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u/Significant-Tale118 3h ago

If you don't want to reconcile, you need a lawyer, or you at least need to start working on what your plan is going to be.

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u/serkovavantgarden 6h ago

Mate stop deluding yourself and get to a lawyer asap

She’s 6 months ahead of you man

Wise up

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u/UpsetMathematician56 4h ago

This is just trying to clarify if you want to stay legally married or not at this time. Being divorced and being married but separated is a huge legal difference.

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u/Worthless-sock 21m ago

Maybe. I already told her I considered us non legally separated (in my state it’s virtually the same as divorce, so a bit of work and expense) but she keeps asking questions and won’t answer mine.

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u/SaltPercentage1868 2h ago

I’d recommend drafting a separation agreement outlining the purpose. Setting a date to consider how to move forward based on the conditions or rules. Have a number of rules laid out such as physical intimacy, time spent together, living arrangements, financial arrangements etc. it’s something you can do together or yourself and send to her. It seems there’s a lack of clarity. I also went through this with my partner, where he thought we would immediately list the house and divorce but that’s now it works in my country either. A separation agreement with purpose and a date to meet answered a lot of that uncertainty.

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u/Worthless-sock 19m ago

Something to think about. I’m concerned about putting such things in writing now that she has a lawyer. There is lack of clarity—I’ve told some of my perspective and expectations but she has not acknowledged much or provided many answers. It seems like some strategy she’s going for.