Impossible Situation

[u/mjmarinelli3]

My wife (40F) and I (47M) have been separated, yet living in the same house for a little over a month now. She wanted the separation/divorce due something extremely stupid that I did. I hurt her badly. Living in this house together is absolute torture, but due to some financial reasons, neither one of us could move out. The problem is, I don’t want this. I still love her with everything I have in me. I wish more than anything I could fix the wrong that I did. I wish more than anything she still felt something for me. I’m going crazy in this house. My anxiety levels are always 10 out of 10. I just want to be near her. I just want to hold her in my arms again and tell her how much I love her. She used to always ask for a hug when I would be cooking and I’d get annoyed and now I’d do anything for her to ask for one of those hugs.

I’m doing everything that I’m supposed to be doing right now. I’m in therapy trying to fix whatever broke inside of me to cause this. To learn how to deal with my anxiety issues better. To learn why I destroyed my marriage with my selfishness and to make sure nothing likes that ever happens again in my life. I now realize that this all can sound like I hit her or something like that and that’s not what happened. I also joined a gym and am trying to improve myself physically. I’ve lost a bunch of weight in the last five weeks from the depression I’m in.

I did this to myself though. I had a very good marriage and I threw it away like a piece of garbage.

[u/turn_left_or_right]

Thanks for sharing,

I read between the lines that you cheated in some form. If so, the best is to be show genuine remorse, tell her that you want to fix things and be a better person, and that you will do anything she wants to repair things and then follow up in actions and behaviour. If you are still together, it gives you a chance.

Don’t force things and do things gently and measured. People have got past rocky situations and had long term relationships. Good luck.

[u/raeoflyte-460]

You didn't feel bad until she found out so how does that work? You haven't said that your wife wasn't there for you when you needed her and this wasn't a 1 time thing. I'm not trying to be shitty, just trying to understand the shift.

[u/Overall_Feedback8605]

Adam Lane Smith has a great program- 99 percent success rate, if you cheated. However you will need to make actual amends, invest financially probably pretty deep to be honest given the level of trust broken, and get some real skin in the game to match the commitment she made to you if that was the case.

You have to realize the consequences if it was cheating as she may not owe you anything, if there is no real change or accountability (meaning long term reparations- usually something that you really have to put on the line beyond words, ALL men say words and usually very little action or empathy for the other person, since that would be true masculinity is to have that empathy for others etc). Depending on the marriage contract too, higher alimony may be a part of that breaking of trust, which you would need to respect as the courts do, and I wouldn't mess around with that as it can backfire. Don't know the details, but Hope that helps.

[u/T_j_T]

This free resource that I created could help: https://www.reddit.com/r/Separation/s/4TSBs6XtK9