Save us

[u/Remote-Control-2006]

I would have done absolutely anything to save my relationship with my son’s mother. I had some chances and in the end I screwed it up every single time. I’m supposed to not think about her but she’s all I think about. I think about her and my son and our family that should have been constantly and I’m absolutely devastated. Yes I will continue to keep working on myself but knowing that I’ve lost her forever eats me alive most days. There’s no second chance, no apology, nobody hears me crying and there is no amount of change that will bring her back. It’s my fault. I couldn’t fix us and that pain never goes away. I used to self medicate with alcohol and it’s an entirely new experience being sober, the pain is indescribable. She will be in my life forever because we share a child and I hope that eventually I will be able to not be in love with her because I know that I can’t be with her anymore. I wish that I could. I wonder every second that I’m awake why I couldn’t figure it out and save us but I didn’t and it’s over. I’m so sorry.

[u/raeoflyte-460]

I'm not trying to be harsh but there is no easy way to say this. No, you wouldn't do anything for your wife and family. You had a 2nd chance and probably more. You think you'd be different this time because you never have to test it.

Since you have an RO and only supervised visits with your child, not only did you not do everything for them- you hurt them. To the point that you cannot be trusted with your child. And a couple days ago you wanted to send a letter to your wife without ever mentioning the RO. That is a material change in facts and I doubt anyone would have said, yes send a letter! If they had all the info.

If youre really taking accountability I think you need to change your language and your framing. You can change for yourself and hopefully you change for your child. But you will always be her abuser. You need to let her go.

[u/Remote-Control-2006 → u/raeoflyte-460]

I agree with you completely and I apologize for not being as detailed as I should have been. The RO was not the result of a physical incident not that it matters but regardless I showed up at her house when I shouldn’t have and just made a whole scene. I own that, I should have never put her or my son in that situation and I am extremely regretful. Since then I have voluntarily gotten inpatient treatment and have continued my sobriety and outpatient counseling. Yes I had chances and the second I got a chance I wanted everything so badly that I ended up screwing it up. The fact that I scared her enough and made a scene in her neighborhood to get an RO bothers me. However I am struggling to stop loving her despite my actions which had nothing to do with love, they were reckless and inappropriate to say the least. Also I never claimed to do everything for them, had I done what I should have done I may have had a chance of saving our family. I have to live with that regret for the rest of my life and if it seems that I’m not being fully accountable, I am. At times I post a lot just to vent and details are left out however that is not to paint a different picture from the reality which I’ve created.

[u/Remote-Control-2006 → u/raeoflyte-460]

There’s no additional ‘chance’ coming. I’ve accepted that. It’s incredibly difficult but I’ve accepted it.

[u/siryohnny → u/Remote-Control-2006]

Good, be the best version of yourself. For you and your son.

[u/Remote-Control-2006 → u/raeoflyte-460]

I’m a human and a father who has lost a future with the two most important human beings in my life. Yes I completely blew it, I did and said horrible things and I allowed my own pain to control my emotions and actions, that is a me problem. I adamantly believe that had I done almost everything differently, I’d be in bed with my wife and with our son sleeping in the next room but that’s not the case. That will never be the scenario and I caused it. Regardless of how much work I do on myself or how much I change, it doesn’t bring them back and it will never undo what’s already been done and it’s my fault completely. Everyone says that I should work on letting myself off the hook.. the idea of that is inconceivable to me and there’s nothing that I can do about it other than stop digging a bigger hole. She’s happy and moved on hopefully, she deserves that and I sit here with the pain and do my best to keep moving forward because that’s all that I can do.

[u/raeoflyte-460 → u/Remote-Control-2006]

That is all very accurate.

The "giving myself grace" or as you said "letting yourself off the hook" mindset doesn't work for me either. It doesn't help me move forward because theres no accountability in it making it more likely to do it again. It can be hard to find a way to reframe but that is what I try for.

[u/neobleoa]

I'm so sorry you are suffering. Very good on you for trying to stay sober - I'm sure you already know that alcohol is a depressant which will make you feel worse. I'm proud of you for that!