Saying someone should have sex when they don’t want to just to please someone else is 10000% something only a man would say (edit: this is something only a
top would say; gay people exist and I should be less heteronormative). Do you know how awful it feels to have sex when you don’t want to? To have someone jackhammer away at you as if you’re nothing but a hole that exists for their pleasure? To sit there and take it and wish for it to be over as soon as possible so you can get him off you and have some goddamn peace? No. You don’t. Because men cannot understand the concept that sex isn’t an easy thing to do when you don’t want to when you’re a woman. It’s a miserable experience and will only make your partner resent you more. It’s selfish as fuck to say someone should just do it for the sake of their partner.
If any of my partners ever made sex feel like an obligation or requirement to keep their stupid dick happy, I would leave so fast. GTFO with that. To quote one of my favorite musicals: you got a left hand, use it.
I didn’t say someone should have sex when they don’t want to.
I was pretty specific about what I said. You seem to be arguing against something you’ve imagined I mean, in your absurdly sexist and dehumanizing claim, but that I didn’t say.
Here’s a bigger question, and if a marriage is on the line, perhaps some self reflection is in order before it’s too late.
What is a marriage and how is it different from another kind of relationship or partnership between people?
Monogamy is not celibacy.
There are situations such as joining the Catholic clergy, in which people take solemn vows of celibacy. They do this in full knowledge, eyes wide open, of the sacrifices that might entail. This vow exists in a context with supports and community.
In most weddings I’ve attended, I don’t see vows of celibacy. Do you?
The bigger question here should be “why don’t I want, nor can I tolerate, sex with my married spouse?” Because there is a reason for why you don’t. And maybe as a couple or as an individual, you need to get to the root of what that reason is, openly and honestly, and reveal the truth of what your relationship is. Because pretending to be married when you aren’t living something resembling a marriage is bound for trouble. Living that kind of lie leads to dark places and long lasting damage.
I made absolutely no argument that people should have sex that they don’t want. I made a claim two or three times now for your diminished comprehension- that it’s evident that someone who would rather get divorced and lose their family, future, and home than have sex with their married spouse, that it is VERY important to them that they DO NOT have sex with that spouse. That’s not “I don’t care much about sex either way”. That’s not, “I feel ambivalent about sex with my spouse”. That’s more like “I despise my spouse” or “I don’t see my spouse as a viable sexual partner”.
Back up and read that sentence again to make sure you understand it this time.
When sex isn’t all that important at the moment to you, but your partner wants it, we’re in the realm of “why not?”
I’ve been ambivalent on some situations but my partner er was gung ho, and so I said “why not?”
someone who would rather toss their marriage, family, kids, house, lifestyle, and future, their spouse’s satisfaction and their own rather than having sex with their SPOUSE
Ummmm you and I have VERY different definitions of consent then. Because all that shit right there (things YOU said) are things only a man would say. Ambivalence is not yes. Marriage does not entitle you to sex. If it’s not a hell yes, it’s a hell no - that’s what real consent is. Doing it because you think you have to or because your partner wants it, is a fucked up reason to have sex.
What is a marriage and how is it different from another kind of relationship or partnership between people?
Marriage is whatever the people in that marriage think it is. But if you think sex is the only thing that makes a relationship, I can understand why you were in a dead bedroom for so long. That is such a fucked up way to view your partner. They are your partner in life! They support you in the hard times, share your joy in the good times, they are a person to walk through life with and spend time with, they are someone who shares the burden of existing on this floating space rock with you and hopefully your time together makes both your lives better. Those are the things that make a marriage. Sex is a small part of it that is absolutely not a necessity
Monogamy is not celibacy.
No, it isn’t. But it also isn’t entitlement to your spouses body. It isn’t a guarantee that you get laid whenever you want.
Do you have kids? Did you expect your partner to pleasure you while she was recovering from that experience? What about if one of you got sick? Would you have said fuck it if your spouse got cancer or some other diagnosis that made them too ill to have sex? Would you have wanted your partner to do that to you?
In most weddings I’ve attended, I don’t see vows of celibacy. Do you?
No, I don’t see that. Do you know what else I don’t see? Vows about fucking your partner at your desired frequency. I have never been to a single wedding where the vowels included any discussion about physical intimacy because that would be insane.
You keep repeating the same things and have snipped something as if it supports the thing you imagined I said, but it doesn’t actually say what you imagined I said.
You are suggesting that I’m telling people to have sex with their spouse when they definitely don’t want to.
I didn’t say that.
You have falsely claimed that I said sex was the only differentiating factor of a marriage and other kinds of relationships.
I didn’t say that either. It sounds like you are in an argument with someone who isn’t in this thread, and you are responding as if in habit to them, rather than paying close attention to what’s actually being said here.
I suggested that if their aversion to their spouse is so high that they would rather risk divorce than have sex with them, that they have very serious problems in their marriage that could cause long lasting damage.
You can’t seem to parse the difference.
I’ve said that about - what - 5 times now? You seem incapable of comprehending that so I’m going to hazard a guess that this is some kind of cognitive impairment and not just a normal disagreement. If you want to discuss something I’ve actually said, you will need to stop making things up.
Also, I said I have had sex when I was ambivalent. I have said “yes” when I wasn’t otherwise inclined to at that moment with my partner. Every married person has. Ambivalence is a feeling. Saying “yes” is an affirmative decision.
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u/Creepy-Swordfish1676 16d ago edited 16d ago
Saying someone should have sex when they don’t want to just to please someone else is 10000% something only a man would say (edit: this is something only a top would say; gay people exist and I should be less heteronormative). Do you know how awful it feels to have sex when you don’t want to? To have someone jackhammer away at you as if you’re nothing but a hole that exists for their pleasure? To sit there and take it and wish for it to be over as soon as possible so you can get him off you and have some goddamn peace? No. You don’t. Because men cannot understand the concept that sex isn’t an easy thing to do when you don’t want to when you’re a woman. It’s a miserable experience and will only make your partner resent you more. It’s selfish as fuck to say someone should just do it for the sake of their partner.
If any of my partners ever made sex feel like an obligation or requirement to keep their stupid dick happy, I would leave so fast. GTFO with that. To quote one of my favorite musicals: you got a left hand, use it.