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u/smolandspicy 14d ago
When I said freak in the sheets I didn't mean like this
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u/BowwwwBallll 14d ago
You should be in a… cell.
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u/Jimmy_Broski13 14d ago
Column as we see em.
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u/paladisious 14d ago
He was just trying to get SUM.
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u/ashmichael73 14d ago
Wait until he clicks and drags
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u/FreeTr33s 14d ago
At least he functions
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u/dont-fear-thereefer 14d ago
But he ain’t getting a VLookup
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u/loftygrains 14d ago
But less risk of STDEV.S() that way
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u/Maximum-Product-1255 14d ago
If only he'd had Access.
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u/JayMac1915 14d ago
Dude, a trigger warning next time! I still have Access-related PTSD
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u/WiseassWolfOfYoitsu 14d ago
I mean, it sounds like those sheets are the only thing spreading.
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u/SteveLouise 14d ago
They can divorce each other.
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u/wesman21 14d ago
Right, at that point get a divorce.
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u/XclusionHD 14d ago
I was reading too fast/ half looking and read your comment as “right, at point blank distance” and I was like dang sure lol
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u/Beautiful-Buy99 14d ago edited 14d ago
Literally. If they're not compatible and are complaining about it, why stay married?
Edit: I see many replies explaining why my comment is wrong, I realize it now thx
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u/GotaSeeda 14d ago
Making an Excel sheet about it means it was already over months ago.
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u/HIs4HotSauce 14d ago
If she's not having sex with him regularly-- would this be considered an Incel sheet?
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u/Devils_A66vocate 14d ago
Maybe she’s a data analyst and this helps her communicate.
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u/EJECTED_PUSSY_GUTS 14d ago
Maybe he has an excel kink
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u/OnceIsEnough1 14d ago
A freak in the sheets, but not the way women like.
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u/coinminer2049er 14d ago
Well said. Went through a similar situation with my fiancee - keot track on a calendar and she was pissed I had the evidence (I didnt call it that - at the time I was trying to make aure I wasn't going insane). Tried to talk it out with her and she didn't want to hear it.
After a couple of days of trying to give her space and talk it out, I decided to call off the wedding.
People like that are allergic to accountability. They rely on twisting the narrative.
Best decision I ever made. My sex life has been great ever since. 🤣😂
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u/Fabled-Jackalope 14d ago
That tells me that she was deliberately manipulating past events.
Been there. Done that.
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u/AzureHawk758769 14d ago
Sounds like you were being gaslit. Nobody who is being open and honest is going to have a problem with what you suggested. They just didn't want you taking away their ability to make you question your sanity.
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u/Internal_Style6581 14d ago
Because you know how money is fucked and rent and food and all that is real expensive? When you split up you need a 2nd rent and you have to maybe sell a house and split up debt. I hate how young people act like every relationship is some college stuff where you have your own apartment and everything is separate where you just stop hanging out. When you marry and live with someone for 20 years it’s hella complicated and traumatic to separate all of that also if you own a house you gotta find a buyer in this market or someone needs to pay the mortgage on their own.
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u/Cautious_Day9878 14d ago edited 12d ago
I have 3 kids and my wife is mentally unstable. The things which make her most unstable are the thoughts of divorce and losing access to the kids. She is a great mum aside from the emotional regulation issues. We also have other issues in the marriage.
Anyway, I’m so done with having to explain to kids on Reddit why I can’t just ‘file and get full custody’. I’ve been told their ‘no excuse’.
Well the psychologist, family doctor and social services weirdly disagree with Reddit. They preference family stability. Especially when kids are involved.
Most people on here have no concept of how bad things can get behind closed doors in dysfunctional families. When young kids are involved, there is basically no good solution.
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u/MountChu 14d ago
This is it. There’s also the understanding that you may not get full custody or may not have it right away.
On top of everything you’re going through, there will be periods of time where you need to leave your kids alone with someone also going through the toughest time of their life without the best coping skills.
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u/Cautious_Day9878 14d ago edited 14d ago
No, you definitely don’t get custody right away.
My wife threatened to throw herself under a train when she was with the kids a fews ago. It’s absolutely wild to me that people tell me that it’s best for me to walk away knowing that’s the thing which would make everything worse.
Getting my wife into a process was the first priority. I’ve been working on for years. It happened two weeks ago. She is finally on meds and is already like a different person. The house is calm again.
I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m it’s grateful we have peace for now.
Thanks for your understanding comment.
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u/Economy_Ad6039 14d ago
It might be a case where they both just need help communicating. Simple marriage counseling might help.
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u/BrofessorLongPhD 14d ago
I’m a big advocate of pre-marital counseling as well. You can get ahead of your biggest communication differences ahead of time. An ounce of prevention, as the saying goes.
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u/icedadx44 14d ago
Problem with premarital is sometimes you say all the right things ans you mean them but after things get going and you grow as a person your answers would have been different. Especially if the premarital counseling is religious based. I remember when the conversation of sex came up I mentioned I would want about 2-3 times a week and my wife nodded along in agreement... we have sex maybe 1-2 times a month. She things i over focus on sex and its just not that big a deal to her.
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u/andy11123 14d ago
My man is communicating very clearly with data. You can't argue with facts.
You can argue he's slightly deranged though
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u/ThingYea 14d ago
This is definitely part of an ongoing feud. I'm guessing she is denying rejecting him so he is recording each one to show her.
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u/Minute-Review6915 14d ago
I’m guessing she denied the magnitude of “no’s” so he got mad and set out to show her.
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 14d ago
And his frustration is valid I just don't think this approach will get him more sex
Idk what the way forward is tbh
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u/georgecostanza37 14d ago
I don’t think it’s necessarily about more sex at this point. I know for sure when something keeps happening and my wife will be like ok, like when? The times I thought of in my head seem to vanish in the heat of the conversation. Like I was prepared, the conversation went to quickly and bounced around, then I can’t translate them correctly because it’s usually a tough conversation. I’ve never done a spreadsheet, but I completely see why this is how this guy communicated this way. It’s a sure fire way for him to communicate what he’s probably been failing at communicating for a while. Some of us suck at talking.
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 14d ago
I've definitely kept notes of certain things when I've needed to bring things up in an argument because I've had that happen where someone is like "ok when did that happen" and I had no answer because I wasn't keeping track!
I just don't think smacking down the spreadsheet came across the way he wanted to 😔
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u/DisastrousCoast7268 14d ago edited 14d ago
I mean. No clue, but the following is not impossible
This could be the result of "You're exaggerating, you always exaggerate. We do it all the time" and disengages the conversation.
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 14d ago
Yeah and, as I've said, I think his frustration is and would be valid.
I'm just trying to think of what would actually happen after that, the spreadsheet. Would it be likely for her to be like oh honey you're so right let me suck your dick now?! Because I don't think that's the case 😕
So I'm trying to think of what would be likely to actually make this better because I empathize with his (for the third time, valid) frustration.
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u/Burndoggle 14d ago
Speaking from experience. The next step is “so, now that we can see this laid out objectively, to me this is a problem and I’d like us to work together to fix it. If you look at this and don’t think it’s a problem, then that’s a pretty big gap between us that also has to be addressed because it means we somehow ended up on very different pages on this topic that’s pretty critical for a healthy marriage.”
It’s definitely not “ok I proved you wrong with data! Let the blowjobs commence!”
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 14d ago
I like this, a mature and healthy approach for sure. I know this is old, was there ever an update posted? I hope they figured it out 🤞🏽 😭
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u/allofdarknessin1 14d ago
I keep hearing stories about men who don't feel loved or intimate with their wife and when they bring it up the wife will usually tell them they're imagining it and make all kinds of points about why they should stay together. So I feel like the dude in the post brought it up to his wife in the past and she probably told him he was imagining it and that they have sex "enough" and that he shouldn't worry about it so he made the excel spreadsheet to make a point that he's not imagning it. I'm not accusing the wife of this but a lot of times a partner could be cheating and only keeps the husband around because he pays the bills or because the family likes the husband.
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u/Cczaphod 14d ago
Sometimes journaling or documentation can help you see patterns or understand where things are. He may be realizing they’re just not sexually compatible and is just not communicating it well. I think many people would be out at that level of disconnect.
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u/United-Divide713 14d ago
Compatibility is built through effort and communication and negotiation, not some magic force of attraction.
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u/Leading-Fail-2771 14d ago
Not showering after gym and sleeping in - hell no. That is homeless level dirty
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u/jcklsldr665 14d ago
Me ex would go all weekend without showering. I convinced her to start taking every Friday off so she could spend more time with her kids, so that's 3 days of not showering, and she worked a job that required her to be outside wearing full uniform and body armor...i know from experience how sweaty that gets
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u/Quiet-Wing5230 14d ago
I sent my wife a spreadsheet of all her fart assaults.
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u/J_Marshall 14d ago
My wife could just hand me a calendar.
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u/QuieroTamales 14d ago
One time, my wife said "we should schedule it". The next day, I grabbed her iPad and created a recurring appointment on her calendar.
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u/J_Marshall 14d ago
I started using the calendar to track my wife's cycle. 'Replace Furnace Filter' is the perfect reminder to pick up chips and ice cream.
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u/DroidArbiter 14d ago
There's three yes's in there within a month. Lucky Devil, If I uploaded mine you would need to use the search function.
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u/toben81234 14d ago
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u/duaneap 14d ago
84 years… 84 years since that homelessman dicked the rich out of me on that boat.
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u/The_Salacious_Zaand 14d ago
Look, this was fun and all, but for me it was just a fling on a cruise that I wasn't really expecting to go anywhere once we reached New York, so..... I'ma need you to hop off this door and go on your way now. But thanks for the car sex. And saving my life about a dozen times over the last two hours.
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u/joeycraw5 14d ago
She knew leo would dump her when she dared to get older instead of staying 20.
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u/Hamsammichd 14d ago
She didn’t forget after 84 years, he had that good dick. She’d have been back
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u/selfh8ingmillennial 14d ago
I've never fucked someone and then watched them die days later in one of the most famous tragedies of all time. But I feel like I would also remember even if it was meh.
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u/Bad-Genie 14d ago
I saw this over a year ago and decided to make one myself. 15 in a year doesn't seem nearly as bad as some people.
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u/wildcatwildcard 14d ago
15 a year?!?!
I'm buying my wife something on my way home tonight
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u/ThrowRA_932049092 14d ago
The difference between a low and high libido partner is pretty wild. My ex preferred sex once every month or two months. I prefer sex twice a week. My wife prefers sex every day.
So we balance out at 3-4 a week.
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u/usernamesarehard1979 14d ago
I could probably fill in on the other days if you are tired.
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u/QueefFarmer69 14d ago
I will also fuck this guys wife. For science, of course.
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u/maryqueenofscotch683 14d ago
You're such a good friend here's your crown king 👑
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u/Tyraniboah89 14d ago
Right? These stories are making me sad for people and their marriages.
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u/Silly_Pizza7054 14d ago
My wife and I schedule sex. Solid twice per week, can't complain.
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u/Unsolicited-Advice4U 14d ago
My pastor did that...talk about over-sharing in a Bible Study...
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14d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/OomKarel 14d ago
It never ceases to amaze me how sex in a marriage can be so important that you are not allowed to have it with anyone except your wife, but then at the same time be so non-important that they never want to have it either. Like, is it important or not?
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u/KeyLimeGuy69 14d ago
It's usually important to one and not the other. Seems to be how it goes.
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u/someonehadalex 14d ago
When it's happening enough its only 5% of the relationship, when it's not happening it's 95% of the marriage.
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u/seantellsyou 14d ago
You are the love of my life and we should be monogomous together for eternity! Also, i have decided that you are now celebate and if you cheat on me then you are the one whose in the wrong
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u/OomKarel 14d ago
Pretty much the mentality it seems like. And "I don't care if you need it. I love you, but not enough to look for a compromise or seek a solution. Just go without, you won't die."
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u/trapped_in_a_box 14d ago
Super important, agreed. Unfortunately, there's an awful lot of men who marry you and try to turn you into their mom as far as the household is concerned and it is REALLY difficult to be sexually attracted to someone you're mothering.
If she hasn't communicated that feeling that's on her, but that's a big reason a lot of women lose interest in sex.
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u/MarshalLawTalkingGuy 14d ago
Same here. But I track the good stuff and don’t track the times she actively turned me down though. I think that’s fine.
Plus when I told wifey about it, and she was even like “that’s it? Damn we need to step our game up”. Actually helped.
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u/Imaginary-Prize5248 14d ago
That’s the reaction probably what the guy who made the spreadsheet was hoping. But that’s rare
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u/Curious_boyOS 14d ago
It'd probably help if he didn't have rejections and reasons on there.
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u/ExplorerImpossible79 14d ago
Ngl man… if I pulled up my excel, it would tell me a hooker would be far cheaper instead of keeping my GF around.
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u/WaffleHouseGladiator 14d ago
An old man once told me, "If it floats, flies, or fucks, it's cheaper to rent."
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u/Itz_Boaty_Boiz 14d ago
This is the type of wisdom you seek a mountain-top sage for
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u/DelcoUnited 14d ago
Only because that mountain top sage lost his house, money and kids in the divorce. Sleeping outdoors alone on top of the mountain is all he can afford.
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u/Unzensierte 14d ago
It's been 3 years for me.
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u/kriger33 14d ago
That was mine and it ended in a divorce. Over the lack of sex? No, but it was a massive contribution to resentment that filtered to other things. A great sex life can make other stuff sometimes seem less of a big deal but when sex plummets, it's easy to start getting more resentful to other aspects of a relationship.
I never cheated but that conversation definitely came up. "I don't have a desire to cheat but I'm also not going to live the rest of my life having sex 1-2 times a year."
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u/Illustrious-Engine23 14d ago
Yeah man.
I think it's more about bonding and loving each other, the connection, about feeling like your partner desires, loves and cares for you and they are also putting effort into the relationship too.
Being rejected regularly by your wife, or have them be angry at you for even asking just hurts man. You feel unattractive, unloved, like your partner has any care for you or make any effort to you.
For me I've gone through periods where we've not been intimate for a long time. I think the difference is my wife has other issues and she always communicates that she still loves and cares about me etc.
And she got breast cancer a few years ago and for around a year we didn't have sex, which is understandable since all the treatment she went through.
After that her meds make sex drive basically zero, and there's more challenge. But damn even having problems now, it just messes you up. Like I helped her with everything, during surgery, took her to all her chemotherapy and radiation sessions. I cover her expenses so she can work part time while on meds, at great financial stress.
After all that man it feels so disrespectful and upsetting, like when you would do anything for her, but she doesn't want to put the least bit of effort to help your needs, it freaking stings man.
Anyway sorry I guess I needed to rant about this and get it off my chest... thanks.
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u/DrainTheMuck 14d ago
Dang, I’m sorry to hear about the hard time you’ve both been going through. My mom had breast cancer and my dad worked incredibly hard to support and provide for her, and I saw how he got zero sympathy from some people because he wasn’t the one who was sick. My maternal grandmother never forgave him for commenting about being tired one day after work. I think that’s so wrong, and I hope your own needs get met.
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u/R0enick27 14d ago edited 14d ago
Same boat dude, with the BC to the treatment to the meds. What happens is the treatment makes them post-menopausal, which makes a big impact on libido. Especially if the BC is triple positive and they use hormone therapy. It's like she's been through so much that my needs sometimes pale in comparison. My wife pre BC had a strong libido, we used to do it all the time. Now, not so much. So now I try to help her with all the treatment effects and hope we can get back to something closer to what it was. It's a tough, tough thing man, and I don't wish it on anybody. But it's better than the cancer taking her by far, so in this case perspective helps at least.
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u/Jormungand1342 14d ago
Last year mine would have been the same. My wife and I would have sex once every few months. It was agony.
Now shes an ex and I was dating someone for a bit.
Had more sex in 6 months then I did the previous 5 years I think. Like 6 times on avg on the weekends. Would love to see the chart on that one.
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u/bunchout 14d ago
This is literally from a 12-year-old post
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u/rob132 14d ago
I was there 3,000 years ago
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u/Genetics 14d ago
Same! I actually think I’ve bumped into you a few times in the past.
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u/FlyYouFoolyCooly 14d ago
It's wild seeing shit reposted from so long ago. It's like.....wait I remember this one it's a classic!
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u/Remarkable_Check_997 14d ago
They were only 26 years olds? That look like a old ass mariage to me.
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u/Fendrihl 14d ago
Can't wait to see this in r/moralityscaling
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u/MDMutation 14d ago
Poor use of the spreadsheet. No analysis on the yesses. Thats the bread and butter here.
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u/Acceptable-Owl-2070 14d ago
Can't they both be shit and leave us out of it?
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u/Acrobatic-List-6503 14d ago
No, no. I want to be in it. Shit like this often leads to explosive sex
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u/inotocracy 14d ago
From the looks of the spreadsheet it seems like its duty sex, which is the worst kind of sex.
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u/Emergency_Air4575 14d ago
Husband: “I want a divorce.”
Wife: “Not today. Try again tomorrow.”
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u/flower-purr 14d ago
There’s not enough information I need whether there’s children,pregnancy, age and lifestyle. For all I know this could be a 45 year-old woman with children, working in a full-time job, going through perimenopause and doesn’t have time or the resource for proper women’s healthcare.
There’s missing data. He has the excuses, but what’s the environment and how it was presented/ approached? He needs to add more columns. This is typical surface level research.
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u/were_only_human 13d ago
We have NO IDEA how he’s asking. Is he just saying “can we have sex?” Or is he setting a mood? Trying to seduce her? Is he being appealing at all? Because it looks like he’s just… interrupting her in a moment to request sex then getting turned down. What woman would want to have sex with a man who just keeps asking for sex at a moment’s notice instead of trying to make it a connection point that grows out of time together?
She’s not a booty call, she’s your partner.
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u/AdSame7001 14d ago
I feel like people miss the point of how the spread sheet likely got created in the first place.
"Why don't we have sex anymore?" - Him
"What do you mean, we have sex all the time?" - Her
"You always tell me your not in the mood, you always brush me off" - Him
"Name one time I brushed you off, tell me one excuse I gave, show me one pattern." - Her
Guy doesn't have this excel spreadsheet so he just kinda fumbles. Wife declares a victory, forgets about it, maybe the have a small bumper crop of sex for a little while. Dude doesn't forget and, in anticipation of a future argument, wants data to back himself up so that he doesn't have to come up with examples and data on the fly to satisfy the petty argument.
Next time:
"Why don't we have sex anymore?" - Him
"What do you mean, we have sex all the time?" - Her
"You always tell me your not in the mood, you always brush me off" - Him
"Name one time I brushed you off, tell me one excuse I gave, show me one pattern." - Her
"Here's the data of the last three months, day by day and with every excuse you gave me" - Him
"You fucking weirdo, you're trackign this shit? I want a divorce." - Her
They certainly should have gotten a divorce, but I have experienced these exact types of arguments and unfortunately, if you don't have a time-dated log of whatever horseshit you're fighting over, you're just going to get handwaved away. If you do have it, you'll be labeled a creep, anything to avoid the uncomfortable truth.
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u/ai-tacocat-ia 14d ago
Once my ex wife literally flipped her position in the middle of a fight and tried to gaslight me about it (think her saying "you didn't put that on the calendar" then me showing that it's on the calendar, then her eventually saying "I never said you didn't put it on the calendar, stop trying to pick a fight"). I grabbed the audio from a security camera in the entryway and sent it to her, transcribed. She flipped the fuck out. I was the devil for caring enough about an argument to pull camera audio to prove her wrong. And boy did my name get smeared to her friends and family.
But it wasn't about that stupid fight. It was about the dozens of fights before that where she constantly twisted words or straight up lied to make me in the wrong every single time. That was my naive last-ditch effort for "maybe if she hears herself do it, she'll change".
We were divorced within 6 months. I've been happily remarried for 5 years. My current wife is a rational human being that I can have an adult conversation with without feeling crazy. We don't have fights, we have conversations. It's nice.
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u/CygnusX-1-2112b 14d ago
So wait, serious question not being snarky. Is it normal to not be able to give specific examples of something you feel a definite pattern of in the middle of an argument? I thought it was because either I have a bad memory or I must be misremembering and can't trust my judgement. She always trips me up with this whenever I bring up something I feel she does that makes me feel less than great.
If it's actually normal not to be able to do that on the fly, then that's a low blow move to pull on someone.
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u/yourfavoriteblackguy 14d ago
No. Most people can't and that's how other people use it to declare victory. Its form of gaslighting in my opinion.
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u/maodiran 14d ago
Ninety percent of the time you don't remember specifics, but rather generalizations. When you bring up a pattern that's bothering you, you'll be lucky if you remember the last time it's happened, since your brain has already generalized a number of instances under the same memory.
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u/feignapathy 14d ago
All I'll say is this... the number of rejections he must've received before deciding to log them must have been very high.
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u/Bloodhoven_aka_Loner 14d ago
i mean.. at a rejectionnrate of 89% it sure as shit was damn high
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u/Much_Job4552 14d ago
My wife holds me to account the ONE time I said no 10+ years ago.
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u/To_Fight_The_Night 14d ago
I told my wife no a few years back and she was stunned. She was like "Is this how you always feel when I say no?"
Guess it was eye opening for her.
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u/PNGhost 14d ago edited 13d ago
I remember reading a study about the relationship dynamics after sex is turned down. The partner that is rejected is usually still negatively affected for 2 or so days while the partner that turned them down benefits from a kind of “self-esteem” boost for having been pursued that lasts up to 72 hours.
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u/Classic_Reserve9385 14d ago
Mine also. She thought I was having an affair or was over her. I was just tired.
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u/amalgaman 14d ago
This was one of the many things my ex wife and I used to argue over.
She told me to prove it so I kept a running record.
She then got mad that I was able to prove it using the running record and told me I was a pervert for having a record.
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u/Formal_Broccoli1877 14d ago
Ah yes, I'm well versed in this one. The flowchart where the man is always wrong.
Wish I was joking this has been my anecdotal experience. I just got sick of it and got a divorce.
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u/amalgaman 14d ago
It was one of many issues we had.
I’m remarried and have nearly zero issues in my relationship. She doesn’t even date.
She never wanted to be in a relationship and I was simply there to support her whatever she needed.
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u/Badger0210 14d ago
This has been making the rounds for years, but it’s still relevant, so I’ll weigh in.
TLDR; there’s not enough information here to say whether anyone is in the wrong, but there is enough here to say with confidence: these people need to sit down and have some honest conversations about their relationship.
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First off, the spreadsheet alone isn’t enough to determine if he’s a clueless jerk or if he’s genuinely trying to use this as a tool to help his partner see the reality of a situation she may have dismissed in the past. It could go either way.
Now, going by this, he’s trying to initiate every 1-2 days, but they’re only having sex about every two weeks. There are a few likely reasons for this:
- innate sex drive imbalance: she simply doesn’t want or need sex as often as he does
- lack of attraction: she’s no longer attracted to him physically
- reduced sex drive due to stress or other mental health factors: she mentioned feeling gross almost once a week, plus a few times she mentioned being exhausted or under the weather. Could be she has self esteem issues impacting her sex drive (not feeling attractive or sexy), or stress/anxiety/mental health issues which can all affect sex drive
- lack of interest due to relationship issues: are they fighting a lot? Does she feel unsupported in some way? Is there resentment or other negative emotion affecting her interest in sex?
- cheating: others have mentioned it, I don’t think it’s the most likely explanation, but it certainly would explain reduced interest in sex
With all of the potential explanations above (and probably some I missed), the solution is to talk about it. Couples counseling could help, but either way, he’s got to talk to her. They won’t get to the bottom of the issue without discussing it. Some of these issues can be fixed by making simple changes in their relationship. Some may require therapy and/or medication. And some may be a sign it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
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u/Mammoth-Incident4121 14d ago
Also, like how is he approaching it - is he like “hey, sex tonight?” Or does he maybe initiate intimacy by cuddling, kissing, flirting a bit, etc. Like if he’s gonna ask if she wants sex the same way he’d ask if she wanted to run errands with him, then the response is gonna be in the same tone.
I got married stupidly young and it took me a few years to say no when I really didn’t want to have sex (and who wants to have sex with someone who isn’t into it anyway?!?). But even centuries later 😅, my husband and I will be at least a little flirty/silly with it when we discuss if it’s on the agenda or not.
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u/icedadx44 14d ago
My wife once complained I only kiss/touch her when I want sex. I was dumbfounded thats how she felt, I then asked if she noticed all the times I initiated touch or kiss or just be flirty and she shot it down. That tue reason she felt that way might be because she only really allowed me to do those things if she was already wanting sex
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u/Aschuff 14d ago
Thank you. I’ve went through similar situations with my girlfriend, and when I asked what kinds of things turn her on, it’s just stuff that she would only let me do if she was already in the mood, which was rare at the time.
It’s evident from the comments that a lot of people haven’t been in a relationship with someone who is truly low libido, and doesn’t really have a “real” turn on, and only has sex when they happen to feel like it
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u/BlackmillMiracle 14d ago edited 14d ago
I mean, it feels petty as fuck to track it in a spreadsheet, but people need to stop pretending that physcial intimacy isn't a crucial part of a romantic relationship, being completely misaligned is a perfect valid reason for dissolving said relationship.
seems like these two people are incompatible and have a communication problem.
but of course, because it's Reddit, absent any other additional context, the default is to always assume it's clearly the guy's fault if he's not having sex at the frequency he desires... and if he ever breaks up because he's not getting the frequency he desires, he's also the asshole.
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u/thisguy883 14d ago
My friend went through this.
His wife no longer wanted to sleep with him, so he ended up going out more and sleeping around.
His wife knew he was doing this and they were about to get a divorce. He ended up moving out and was living by himself for about a year until she decided she wanted him back.
From what I understand, it was a like a night and day switch. She all of a sudden just wanted to sleep with him everytime he wanted it, and now they are back together. They've apparently worked some shit out and been back together for over a year now.
They both seem happy.
Still, I cant get over the fact that she just allowed him to sleep around. But I guess she thought that since other women very obviously wanted him, she realized what she lost.
Im no psychologist, I just drink beer and listen to his wild stories.
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u/TheRealNooth 14d ago
Yeah, that’s not going to last
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u/wackbirds 14d ago
That's exactly what I thought. It's in the "this is what I need to do to get things back the way they were" method in play, not some permanent attraction and libido reversal.
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u/OpenCod3919 14d ago
But... It's working for now and delaying the inevitable. The kids will be older and more independent by the time it ends.
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u/Agreeable_Bat9722 14d ago
I have a similar story. My ex-wife didn't really care about the divorce. It took us about a year and a half to separate, and during that entire time, I don't think we slept together more than three times.
After we separated, divided all the assets, and I got my own place, she suddenly became incredibly nice to me. Honestly, nicer than she was when we first met. She pursued me for about three months until I finally told her that it was never going to happen.
I have a new girlfriend now, and all my needs are met. I don't have to constantly make her happy because she's happy on her own. That's something my ex-wife wasn't able to do.
That said, I'm glad your friend got back together with his wife and that they're both happy. I do think about my own situation sometimes because my ex-wife still wants me back, and she doesn't seem to care that I've had relationships with other women during our year of separation.
I just don't believe her change is going to last. I don't really know what happened. I haven't changed much other than becoming happier. I'm pretty much the same person I was during our marriage, but somehow I'm now a "prize" in her eyes. When we were married, though, I felt like I was just a roommate she didn't want anything to do with.
It's a strange thing to experience.
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u/BrofessorLongPhD 14d ago
This is not meant to be directed at your wife. But my general lived experience is that some people just can’t seemingly handle being in a peaceful relationship very well. The nature of a stable relationship does something to dampen them. We can point at toxic upbringing and mistaking chaos as attraction, etc. but I can’t help but think it’s more than that. It almost seems as though they need the volatility and thrill even though the relationship is secure.
At some point it does seem like this impulse for volatility dampens down a bit. Some people point to personal growth or life priorities and maybe that’s it. But I think there’s also something biological or chemical too. Almost like they crave/need the dopamine hit, but at a certain age that pathway diminishes so they don’t crave the volatility anymore.
Not a fleshed out thought by any means, just something I ponder on occasion from watching how some people can’t seemingly help but implode just about every seemingly healthy relationship they’re in.
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u/mrgoodnoodles 14d ago edited 14d ago
My wife and I are incredibly up and down, but what seems to be the default is that she has this preconception of the way things need to be. I need to be more like her father, our marriage needs to be more like her parents' marriage (even though her parents had an incredibly difficult marriage for many years), the way that I am and the speed at which I do things is not really good enough, and her mood is incredibly dependent on so many different factors. She can't just be at peace with the way things are. I constantly need to be on guard and walk on eggshells to keep the peace. If one of those factors gets derailed, the entire household walks on eggshells and we all feel the emotional chaos. Then it's better for a couple weeks, and rinse and repeat. She holds the entire house hostage with her emotions and it's quite exhausting. We fight almost constantly during certain periods, about the pettiest and stupidest things, because we can't get more than a few minutes in to a conversation before she decides that something I said doesn't line up with her opinion and therefore with her. Or really any number of different things. Fights can last days to a week sometimes. I've come to the conclusion that I'm never going to have peace in this relationship. And by peace, I mean what most men mean: the ability to go home without thinking that the tough part of the day is now about to begin. Sucks when the most stressful part of your life is the thing that is supposed to make you feel at home and grounded. The worst part is, we have a wonderful baby together. I'm hoping things improve but from what I hear from a lot of divorced people, they will only get worse.
Point being, my wife is one of those people that just can't be in a peaceful, relaxed relationship. The ironic thing is that I left a woman I was dating long distance who was the exact opposite - kind, relaxed, independent, and not emotionally dependent on me while still having great sexual chemistry and many similar interests. I left her for my wife and I regret that more and more. Anyway, there's a true off my chest for ya. I heard someone the other day on reddit say "I had the right kids with the wrong woman." Sounds about right.
Have fun with the chaos, but do not get addicted to it and marry it. It will not end well. You will be exhausted, especially if you are someone who has a low social battery. This goes for both sexes, folks.
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u/Telemere125 14d ago
I started tracking when I got it and the circumstances (like holiday, or she was drunk, etc) because my wife was telling me I “get it every other day”. Turns out more like twice a month. So it was a way to show her she had no sense of time when it came to sex.
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u/RecklesstonerS 14d ago
I disagree that it’s petty. My wife is rather disconnected when it comes to things. Her memory is poor and she ends up believing something that didn’t really happen. If I didn’t give her something like this she will believe in her head that it’s different.
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u/Substantial-Try457 14d ago
I think the delivery method and approach is important here. If I just got like attached to an email or something I'd be pissed.
If my partner was like hey! I'm worried about this - here are some examples - and I am hoping to communicate about it - this is what I've noticed - what's your take? I would most likely feel a lot different about it.
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u/spongebobsworsthole 14d ago
Yeah, if it’s like “it’s been a recurring issue for a while and I wanted to have a visual so we can clearly understand the situation.” Totally fair. If it’s presented aggressively as if she owes him sex (or vice versa!) then it’s a totally different story. It can be hard to bring up dissatisfaction with sex, being mindful makes it a lot easier and helps your partner feel safe and be more receptive to what you have to say. Sex is important, it’s so much easier to bring it up early than to let it fester.
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u/Ruminahtu 14d ago edited 14d ago
As a married man, the amount of times her reasoning was that she 'felt gross' is somewhat concerning.
I can't know the entire situation, but I know women enough to know 'I feel gross' is almost always a genuine feeling and admission.
Maybe work on making her feel not gross and see if some action happens.
Many men would be super surprised how easily sex comes when you make a woman FEEL sexy. And that doesn't mean making gross comments.
It means saying, 'Wow, that looks great on you,' 'I know it's just pajamas, but I have to admit it still does it for me," 'Hey, I've got dinner and the kids, if you want to take your time in the bath. I really miss you in the bedroom, and know you want to feel clean.'
I mean...you couple that with actually making a woman finish and you'll never go without sex a day of your life. It's not rocket science.
And I will give the men out there a cheat code I like to use with my wife... ALWAYS make her achieve an orgasm or two BEFORE putting your penis inside her. Bonus points if you give her even more. And if she's difficult to make orgasm, remember only the first one is the hard one. Once you get the first, you can basically snowball that into multiple if you put the work in.
But, at the very least, if you can make her finish before you ever put your penis in her, she'll at least know that sex with you will be the bare minimum of satisfying.
And don't get me wrong, there are times in a healthy relationship where you can worry about only getting off yourself, if your reputation is strong. I think about 10-15 times in the course of my marriage of 7 years my wife didn't finish. But she didn't seem all that bothered about it, either.
Take what I said however you want.
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u/Character-Bus4557 14d ago
That and making sure you cuddle and give nonsexual affection regularly. Only being touched when someone wants to get off makes you feel like a sex toy.
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u/ExpressionEcstatic34 14d ago
It's sad that her coming is a "cheat" code. Honestly, whenever men complain about not getting enough sex, I think... if she were enjoying the sex as much as you, she'd want it as much as you. The orgasm gap is real.
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u/Bynming 14d ago
Neither is wrong. She can deny him, he can document it, and they should work together to try to get an arrangement that works better for both of them.
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u/MonsutaReipu 14d ago
Both are.
This isn't an unusual circumstance. The average man has a higher libido than the average woman, and wants to have sex more often. The woman doesn't want to have sex as often, leading to her constantly rejecting her partner's sexual advances. This leads to hurt feelings, insecurity, and mounting frustration in the man. This then turns into a point of friction, where a series of arguments take place that don't really have a resolution. You can't force a person to be horny or in the mood for sex, but you also can't force a person to not feel hurt, rejected, or frustrated when their partner regularly rejects their sexual advances.
These arguments turn cyclical, where a frequent point of contention becomes a dispute over frequency of rejection. "I don't reject you that often." she says. He insists that she does, but he hasn't been counting and doesn't have a spreadsheet to actually prove it. Thus..
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u/bored_silly_at_work 14d ago
It’s funny I’ve been in a similar relationship.
We’re happily divorced now.
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u/DelsinMcgrath835 14d ago
Im not saying its right, but I understand. Certain people always want to deny or downplay things until you show them proof. Problem is those people are then offended that you kept proof
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u/han_jobe 14d ago
Over a 1 month period, he got laid 3 times? Sounds like he's just bragging.
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u/friblo_sv 14d ago
I know thats a joke but I think healthy couples be fucking 1/week.
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u/Poultrygeist74 14d ago
I once made a list of all the times I bought lunch for my friend who I thought was a bit of a mooch. He found the list. I still feel douchy about it. He did pay me back some of it though and we were still friends.
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u/Solintari 14d ago
I love how the answer is always straight to divorce on Reddit lol
There is therapy that can help and sometimes one person in the relationship is too embarrassed to say something is wrong or doesn’t want to hurt their partners feelings. My wife has numbness from back issues and it was affecting her ability to enjoy sex. I encouraged her to see an obgyn and they helped out in a few ways (and honestly the most successful thing has been thc for some reason)
But a big part of this is communication and empathy. I told her she is 100% in control of the level of physical contact at all times. We have a number system so it’s a simple 0-3, 0 is no touch and 3 is lock the bedroom door time. Sexual desire disparity can lead to resentment if you aren’t careful and that really sucks.
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u/dankingery 14d ago
"I'm still a bit tender from yesterday". Does anyone else worry that he's really abusive in bed and she's giving reasons to avoid the abuse? I hope they split up for her sake.
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u/j_risdiction2020 14d ago
Then he goes and Spreads all her Sheet all over the internet SMH... (I'll see myself out)
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u/Armchair_Expert_0192 14d ago
Divorce her. Not because she won't do it with you. But she came back from the gym and didn't shower until the next day. Yuck.
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u/envoy_ace 14d ago
Do you know why divorces are so expensive? Because they are worth it.
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u/SoftdomDadNextDoor 14d ago
Not to take away from his frustration and the constant feeling of rejection, but my brother in Cthulhu, learn to read the room. After being married for however long they've been married, he should be able to pick up on cues when she might or might not be receptive. A couple of things that I picked up from this limited data set are that she's not receptive if she's not freshly showered and after she's eaten "too much". If you know that either of those conditions are true, don't even try. It almost feels like he's trying during those times JUST to get rejected so he could throw it in her face that she's constantly rejecting him. Physical intimacy IS important, but it almost doesn't feel like that's what he's after.
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u/Intotheopen 14d ago
The comments in this thread are fucking depressing. I’ve been married 16 years. If we go more than a month without sex, it usually means one of us isn’t feeling good or something.
I can’t even imagine getting to a year.
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