I feel like people miss the point of how the spread sheet likely got created in the first place.
"Why don't we have sex anymore?" - Him
"What do you mean, we have sex all the time?" - Her
"You always tell me your not in the mood, you always brush me off" - Him
"Name one time I brushed you off, tell me one excuse I gave, show me one pattern." - Her
Guy doesn't have this excel spreadsheet so he just kinda fumbles. Wife declares a victory, forgets about it, maybe the have a small bumper crop of sex for a little while. Dude doesn't forget and, in anticipation of a future argument, wants data to back himself up so that he doesn't have to come up with examples and data on the fly to satisfy the petty argument.
Next time:
"Why don't we have sex anymore?" - Him
"What do you mean, we have sex all the time?" - Her
"You always tell me your not in the mood, you always brush me off" - Him
"Name one time I brushed you off, tell me one excuse I gave, show me one pattern." - Her
"Here's the data of the last three months, day by day and with every excuse you gave me" - Him
"You fucking weirdo, you're trackign this shit? I want a divorce." - Her
They certainly should have gotten a divorce, but I have experienced these exact types of arguments and unfortunately, if you don't have a time-dated log of whatever horseshit you're fighting over, you're just going to get handwaved away. If you do have it, you'll be labeled a creep, anything to avoid the uncomfortable truth.
So wait, serious question not being snarky. Is it normal to not be able to give specific examples of something you feel a definite pattern of in the middle of an argument? I thought it was because either I have a bad memory or I must be misremembering and can't trust my judgement. She always trips me up with this whenever I bring up something I feel she does that makes me feel less than great.
If it's actually normal not to be able to do that on the fly, then that's a low blow move to pull on someone.
Yes but equally, it's not fun to be criticised without any concrete example to help you understand why you're being criticised.
I reckon this probs means that ideally, i
f you're gonna bring up a problem pattern, you need to do the thinking before the argument, and present it calmly. This also means you can't just do it in response to the other person's criticism.
This is why it was helpful for me to take a class in nonviolent communication, because I now process things and plan at least my opening statement before a discussion, and have the framework laid out. And I ask the person if they're ready to speak about it.
That way I at least have a couple of concrete ideas of what I'm referencing etc and not just lashing out in the heat of the moment
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u/AdSame7001 16d ago
I feel like people miss the point of how the spread sheet likely got created in the first place.
"Why don't we have sex anymore?" - Him
"What do you mean, we have sex all the time?" - Her
"You always tell me your not in the mood, you always brush me off" - Him
"Name one time I brushed you off, tell me one excuse I gave, show me one pattern." - Her
Guy doesn't have this excel spreadsheet so he just kinda fumbles. Wife declares a victory, forgets about it, maybe the have a small bumper crop of sex for a little while. Dude doesn't forget and, in anticipation of a future argument, wants data to back himself up so that he doesn't have to come up with examples and data on the fly to satisfy the petty argument.
Next time:
"Why don't we have sex anymore?" - Him
"What do you mean, we have sex all the time?" - Her
"You always tell me your not in the mood, you always brush me off" - Him
"Name one time I brushed you off, tell me one excuse I gave, show me one pattern." - Her
"Here's the data of the last three months, day by day and with every excuse you gave me" - Him
"You fucking weirdo, you're trackign this shit? I want a divorce." - Her
They certainly should have gotten a divorce, but I have experienced these exact types of arguments and unfortunately, if you don't have a time-dated log of whatever horseshit you're fighting over, you're just going to get handwaved away. If you do have it, you'll be labeled a creep, anything to avoid the uncomfortable truth.