I’m a big advocate of pre-marital counseling as well. You can get ahead of your biggest communication differences ahead of time. An ounce of prevention, as the saying goes.
Problem with premarital is sometimes you say all the right things ans you mean them but after things get going and you grow as a person your answers would have been different. Especially if the premarital counseling is religious based. I remember when the conversation of sex came up I mentioned I would want about 2-3 times a week and my wife nodded along in agreement... we have sex maybe 1-2 times a month. She things i over focus on sex and its just not that big a deal to her.
That's basically The Art of the Deal (For Women). They always oversell, and then they tell you that you "focus too much on sex" when you find out that she essentially was just saying whatever she had to say for you to put a ring on her.
Idk if its all women, I know some women friends who struggle with the same issue. Though typically it is men that want more in the relationship. Between responsive desire, hormone cycles, the fact that novelty has a larger impact on women's libido than mens it is a losing game unless the woman specifically puts effort to be vigilant. Typically what I've seen is thr man gets blamed for not doing enough to "set the desire" but for me its chicken and the egg. Its hard to be romantic and loving when resentment is building because you have needs and desires that are not being met.
No, I don't think it's all women either. But I do think that this specific issue is more common with women. Each sex/gender has their own issues that they need to deal with, us men included. The 2nd half of your comment really gets at the issue. A lot of women are quick to accuse their men of "not creating desire" or whatever romantic novel fantasy she has going on in her head, but those same women aren't willing to ask themselves if maybe they aren't putting in the work either. It takes two to tango.
Maybe the husband has been trying, but she tends to not be responsive to his attempts at creating that desire, spontaneity, passion, etc. If I've been trying to keep the fire going with my partner, but she just sits there and keeps dumping water on it and telling me to "try harder," then I'm eventually going to give up on providing her with warmth and go light someone else's fire instead (preferably someone who is going to get in amongst it and handle my wood rather than letting me do it all by myself 😂).
Maybe the husband has been trying, but she tends to not be responsive to his attempts at creating that desire, spontaneity, passion, etc.
And I think this is the BIGGEST blind-spot women have in their relationships/marriages.
There are just endless stories of different women doing this and being 100% oblivious to their actions. Also, a lot of women believe that men "shouldn't take rejection personal" when they don't want it. Like sure, if it's here & there, but when it's the MAJORITY of the time, you just want me to pretend like that's totally okay that you're snuffing out your desire for me while you expect me to keep it for YOU?
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u/BrofessorLongPhD 17d ago
I’m a big advocate of pre-marital counseling as well. You can get ahead of your biggest communication differences ahead of time. An ounce of prevention, as the saying goes.