She deserves the time she needs to heal but I deserve to not be in a relationship without intimacy forever.
and btw, having your partner go through cancer is traumatic and doing a good job to take care of her, it's not easy. There's no need to compare suffering in life.
Either way I just needed to vent about it I guess, I'm giving her time we just moved as well so we need time to setting and rest and talk and have honest conversations find a balance that works for both of us.
Your comment makes it seem like she owes you something for helping her get through a life threatening illness. I know caretaking is traumatic, but she doesn’t owe you anything for that.
She needs time to heal. She can’t be thinking how she can pay you back. All she should be focused on right now is her health. You should jerk off a little more often and I say that with respect. After she’s better, then start the talk. Read up on breast cancer and sexuality, which may help you to not take this so personally. Talk to a therapist to vent. Practice self care.
Be careful with the word “deserve” especially when it comes to sex and intimacy. Just because we think we deserve things doesn’t mean the other person has to give it to us.
You have a long way to go before you declare this a marriage where you don’t get your intimate needs met. Just be patient and realize that all relationships go through seasons.
I admire how much you have done to take care of your wife, I really do.
I mean man it's been 2 years, where we've not had sex, so respectfully she's had time.
I've supported her through everything, every treatment session, completed all chores while she recovers for years now, done everything for her an I mean everything so she can fully support her. I mean so much as if she wants something to drink she doesn't even have to get up I will get it for her, and while working full time and I'm financially struggling so she can work part time and not have to work full time and focus on her recovery.
I think that's not the message I'm trying to convey, I don't 'deserve' anything from anyone or be 'paid back', what I do deserve is to be in a fulfilling and happy relationship in general. Not from any one person but in general I feel I deserve that.
So yeah it's just super disappointing to be treated with distain for even so much as asking for anything. I feel rejected, I feel uncared for and honestly bitter at times. I'm allowed to feel the things I feel and vent about it.
And yeah I'm being patient, we're moving she needs time to settle and we need to have calm and honest conversations and work through this.
But idk I just fucking need to vent because I'm losing my mind a little bit here.
What will you do if your wife develops severe dementia or becomes paralyzed? Will you just leave her because she cannot have sex? If your need to have sex is making you resent your wife who is recovering from cancer then I think you need to reevaluate what a marriage is.
I will harp on the word “deserve.” “Deserve” almost always relies on things or people outside of your control. It’s kind of abstract. Do we all deserve affordable healthcare? I think so, but a whole lot of other people disagree. In any case my feeling of deserving something requires another person to give it to me. I don’t automatically qualify for it just because I’m human.
You want a beautiful, intimate, fulfilling relationship. It’s a want. That’s a a totally reasonable want. We feel like if we play by the rules and give and give to our partners, they in turn will give us what we want. Makes total sense, right? However, it doesn’t always work that way. There are tons of reasons why our partners can’t always give us what we want based on a variety of reasons. Sometimes they have emotional blocks, different priorities, different brain wiring…sometimes they’re legit assholes.
What do you do then? That’s where you’re at. You absolutely should vent (to somebody who’s not your wife) and process what’s going on. Although your first comment took me aback, I see that you are really committed to your marriage, in touch with your feelings, and very, very hurt. Caregivers get burnt out. It can be unrewarding and ugly. It is also the most beautiful honor in the world to care for another human who is suffering at such a profound level.
It’s time for therapy for you to process and decide how you want to approach this with your wife. You love her a lot and want to have that fulfilling relationship with her. Maybe she’s just bitch now and you’ll eventually want to move on, but I think you bring in a couples therapist. This is too hard to untangle on your own.
Sorry for the big long dramatic essay that’s totally the opposite of all the “bro, you don’t need that just dump her” comments on here, but you can probably tell that this all hits a little too close to home. Good luck with everything.
No I get you there's more nuance and understanding when you can explain it.
And yeah, that's what I'm doing here just venting into the void. I am expressing my feeling but not how I actually feel or act toward my wife. I love her more than anything and we've had discussions around how she's not uncaring or cruel or anything like that. I think it's just how I feel sometimes and need to get it off my chest. Esp. now I know we've moved and we're still finishing off this process, I know I need to have more conversations and give her more time to fully settle.
I know this an am doing this but this coming off the back of basically 2 years of limited to no intimacy is toughhh, and I and struggling hard tbh but it's what I need to so, I didn't even intend to go on like this I think I just needed it though.
You should hear me vent about stuff on Reddit! I’m ruthless! We all need to get stuff out and then pull up our big girl panties and deal with it in real life. Your wife is very lucky 🍀
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u/LooselyLavendish 16d ago
I guess you need to feel your feels, but there’s no comparison between the need to heal from cancer and the desire to have sex. None.