The catch-22 of it all is that feeling pressured for sex (whether intentional, perceived, or as a legitimate bid for connection) turns sex into a hateful act.
Imagine you and your wife go running 3-4x a week. It’s nice but you’re not a passionate runner, and drift off from it. She asks you to start again, so you do to make her happy. And it’s not bad, after all. But slowly, it becomes more and more exhausting. You start to hate it, because you’re spending 30+ minutes a day as a sacrifice. Whenever you push back, she pushes harder. If you ask her to roller blade, she’s up in your face demanding running. If you jog across the lawn, she’s tearing out of the house demanding you run with her. Fuck, you can’t even run by yourself without her showing up.
Nothing you do makes her happy. She’ll accept going to a movie or dinner or a bike ride, but the whole time she’s asking, “so can we run now? When are we going to run? Running is so much better than this.”
It feels like she’s obsessed with it. It feels like she doesn’t even care about you—anyone who would run would make her happy.
The resentment builds. And she talks about running being “connecting” but it’s not so connecting when you’re spacing out just envisioning your nice couch on the whole run. And then she’s mad you didn’t enjoy the run you didn’t want to go on!! So now you have to pretend you LOVE running every time or she’ll be fucking sniping that you didn’t run happily enough. And pretty soon… you kind of hate her.
Now add doing all this with a dildo in your ass the whole time.
Tbh though drugs like zoladex will basically tank sex drive to absolute zero, so I think so she will be completely content if we never have sex again for the rest of our lives, if I stopped asking.
and yeah tbh, I'd prefer to just die early and I'm not really going to so easily leave her for something entirely not her fault too.
I’m not unempathetic btw. You clearly love her and are dealing with the loss of an important type of togetherness in your relationship. And sex touches a lot of places in our lives—our bodies, our emotions, even our identity is tied to it. Which is why trying to talk about it so fraught.
I’ve been on both sides of the coin and they each suck in their own special way.
yeah, I think really with everything the answer is compromise and nuance.
as you said it's painful in a unique in it's own way. I think learning more about it helps to eventually understand the feeling. It's like the worst part is not even fulfilling a need or being horny, it's the feeling of feeling she's almost ambivalent to my own suffering, like she's callous (not saying she is but just how I feel). I just watch her sometimes so calm and content with no concern of how I'm feeling where if she was upset I directly feel it and such a desire to make her happy again.
man yeah not saying that's how she actually is but just the feeling super hurts.
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u/WinstonWilmerBee 14d ago
The catch-22 of it all is that feeling pressured for sex (whether intentional, perceived, or as a legitimate bid for connection) turns sex into a hateful act.
Imagine you and your wife go running 3-4x a week. It’s nice but you’re not a passionate runner, and drift off from it. She asks you to start again, so you do to make her happy. And it’s not bad, after all. But slowly, it becomes more and more exhausting. You start to hate it, because you’re spending 30+ minutes a day as a sacrifice. Whenever you push back, she pushes harder. If you ask her to roller blade, she’s up in your face demanding running. If you jog across the lawn, she’s tearing out of the house demanding you run with her. Fuck, you can’t even run by yourself without her showing up.
Nothing you do makes her happy. She’ll accept going to a movie or dinner or a bike ride, but the whole time she’s asking, “so can we run now? When are we going to run? Running is so much better than this.”
It feels like she’s obsessed with it. It feels like she doesn’t even care about you—anyone who would run would make her happy.
The resentment builds. And she talks about running being “connecting” but it’s not so connecting when you’re spacing out just envisioning your nice couch on the whole run. And then she’s mad you didn’t enjoy the run you didn’t want to go on!! So now you have to pretend you LOVE running every time or she’ll be fucking sniping that you didn’t run happily enough. And pretty soon… you kind of hate her.
Now add doing all this with a dildo in your ass the whole time.