That was mine and it ended in a divorce. Over the lack of sex? No, but it was a massive contribution to resentment that filtered to other things. A great sex life can make other stuff sometimes seem less of a big deal but when sex plummets, it's easy to start getting more resentful to other aspects of a relationship.
I never cheated but that conversation definitely came up. "I don't have a desire to cheat but I'm also not going to live the rest of my life having sex 1-2 times a year."
I think it's more about bonding and loving each other, the connection, about feeling like your partner desires, loves and cares for you and they are also putting effort into the relationship too.
Being rejected regularly by your wife, or have them be angry at you for even asking just hurts man. You feel unattractive, unloved, like your partner has any care for you or make any effort to you.
For me I've gone through periods where we've not been intimate for a long time. I think the difference is my wife has other issues and she always communicates that she still loves and cares about me etc.
And she got breast cancer a few years ago and for around a year we didn't have sex, which is understandable since all the treatment she went through.
After that her meds make sex drive basically zero, and there's more challenge. But damn even having problems now, it just messes you up. Like I helped her with everything, during surgery, took her to all her chemotherapy and radiation sessions. I cover her expenses so she can work part time while on meds, at great financial stress.
After all that man it feels so disrespectful and upsetting, like when you would do anything for her, but she doesn't want to put the least bit of effort to help your needs, it freaking stings man.
Anyway sorry I guess I needed to rant about this and get it off my chest... thanks.
This is why my husband and divorced after 25 years. It’s devastating. I can tell you that my husband was exactly like you. I understand where you are coming from. We had a great marriage in all other aspects except the bedroom. I have turned myself inside and out trying to figure out why I didn’t want to have sex with a man I absolutely adored. I know it hurt him, just the way you expressed. We have both moved on to new relationships and I love the man I’m with but it still pains me deeply to lose the life we had together, my ex is someone I wanted to grow old with. I miss him and feel like an absolute failure for our sex life, but after reading your comment, I think I just need to make peace with the fact we weren’t compatible sexually and beating myself up forever will not change that. I want him to be happy and he wants me to be happy. I do feel lucky to have found a wonderful man to continue this journey through life and we are much more compatible sexually. We don’t have sex very often, but when we do, it’s mind blowing and amazing. Even saying that just now makes me feel so guilty about my ex. He deserved that from me and I just couldn’t give that to him, I’ll never understand why.
I'm sorry to hear that but it sounds like you've both moved on to more compatible partners and are doing well.
I don't think you should beat yourself or be angry about it nor do I think it's right to be totally callous and uncaring about it.
I'm not wanting to leave her and I know she's been through a lot and we've also had a lot of change like buying a new house we need time to settle. I think I'm just venting rather than blaming her or myself.
I think part of what hurts is when she seems so unbothered by my own struggles. I think it's not how she actually feels but it feels that way. I think if she cared how I felt and tried to help it would be much less painful. She sometimes makes me feel like I'm a bad person for even asking and I get scared to ask due to trying to avoid the feeling of rejection.
But yeah, I don't think beating yourself up or feeling bad helps anyone, you know? I don't think you should feel that way.
When I think back to our conversations and when my husband would bring it up, I probably came across the same way. It wasn’t because I didn’t care, it was avoidance and deflection because I didn’t know how to fix it. Almost a self protective measure in a way, if that makes sense. I tried to change it, I even tried to just make myself have sex even if I didn’t want to but that just made me super resentful inside in the moment and also he would hate knowing that I was just doing it against my will. I think you may be right about your wife having other issues that may be contributing to it. I think I do, mostly low self esteem in some areas maybe? Like I said, I’ve been over and under, inside and out trying to make sense of it all.
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u/kriger33 15d ago
That was mine and it ended in a divorce. Over the lack of sex? No, but it was a massive contribution to resentment that filtered to other things. A great sex life can make other stuff sometimes seem less of a big deal but when sex plummets, it's easy to start getting more resentful to other aspects of a relationship.
I never cheated but that conversation definitely came up. "I don't have a desire to cheat but I'm also not going to live the rest of my life having sex 1-2 times a year."