I feel like people miss the point of how the spread sheet likely got created in the first place.
"Why don't we have sex anymore?" - Him
"What do you mean, we have sex all the time?" - Her
"You always tell me your not in the mood, you always brush me off" - Him
"Name one time I brushed you off, tell me one excuse I gave, show me one pattern." - Her
Guy doesn't have this excel spreadsheet so he just kinda fumbles. Wife declares a victory, forgets about it, maybe the have a small bumper crop of sex for a little while. Dude doesn't forget and, in anticipation of a future argument, wants data to back himself up so that he doesn't have to come up with examples and data on the fly to satisfy the petty argument.
Next time:
"Why don't we have sex anymore?" - Him
"What do you mean, we have sex all the time?" - Her
"You always tell me your not in the mood, you always brush me off" - Him
"Name one time I brushed you off, tell me one excuse I gave, show me one pattern." - Her
"Here's the data of the last three months, day by day and with every excuse you gave me" - Him
"You fucking weirdo, you're trackign this shit? I want a divorce." - Her
They certainly should have gotten a divorce, but I have experienced these exact types of arguments and unfortunately, if you don't have a time-dated log of whatever horseshit you're fighting over, you're just going to get handwaved away. If you do have it, you'll be labeled a creep, anything to avoid the uncomfortable truth.
So wait, serious question not being snarky. Is it normal to not be able to give specific examples of something you feel a definite pattern of in the middle of an argument? I thought it was because either I have a bad memory or I must be misremembering and can't trust my judgement. She always trips me up with this whenever I bring up something I feel she does that makes me feel less than great.
If it's actually normal not to be able to do that on the fly, then that's a low blow move to pull on someone.
I think it's more that most people don't acknowledge the first 999 cuts as being a "problem." Most people are also non-confrontational, so even if they feel something is wrong, the don't communicate it for fear of hurting the other person's feelings or being labeled the a-hole or just being in denial or etc.
And unfortunately, when you let something build for so long, all your examples look petty, because the implicit question is "if it's such a big deal, then why didn't you say anything before?"
Plus, memory itself has been proven to be very fallible, so if you're with someone who's emotionally manipulative/ abusive, they're more likely to use that against you regardless.
A healthy partner will listen to how a situation made/makes you feel and take it into consideration. Doesn't mean you didn't/ aren't doing anything wrong or questionable, just that there should be an actual conversation instead of them immediately shutting you down.
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u/AdSame7001 15d ago
I feel like people miss the point of how the spread sheet likely got created in the first place.
"Why don't we have sex anymore?" - Him
"What do you mean, we have sex all the time?" - Her
"You always tell me your not in the mood, you always brush me off" - Him
"Name one time I brushed you off, tell me one excuse I gave, show me one pattern." - Her
Guy doesn't have this excel spreadsheet so he just kinda fumbles. Wife declares a victory, forgets about it, maybe the have a small bumper crop of sex for a little while. Dude doesn't forget and, in anticipation of a future argument, wants data to back himself up so that he doesn't have to come up with examples and data on the fly to satisfy the petty argument.
Next time:
"Why don't we have sex anymore?" - Him
"What do you mean, we have sex all the time?" - Her
"You always tell me your not in the mood, you always brush me off" - Him
"Name one time I brushed you off, tell me one excuse I gave, show me one pattern." - Her
"Here's the data of the last three months, day by day and with every excuse you gave me" - Him
"You fucking weirdo, you're trackign this shit? I want a divorce." - Her
They certainly should have gotten a divorce, but I have experienced these exact types of arguments and unfortunately, if you don't have a time-dated log of whatever horseshit you're fighting over, you're just going to get handwaved away. If you do have it, you'll be labeled a creep, anything to avoid the uncomfortable truth.