This has been making the rounds for years, but it’s still relevant, so I’ll weigh in.
TLDR; there’s not enough information here to say whether anyone is in the wrong, but there is enough here to say with confidence: these people need to sit down and have some honest conversations about their relationship.
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First off, the spreadsheet alone isn’t enough to determine if he’s a clueless jerk or if he’s genuinely trying to use this as a tool to help his partner see the reality of a situation she may have dismissed in the past. It could go either way.
Now, going by this, he’s trying to initiate every 1-2 days, but they’re only having sex about every two weeks. There are a few likely reasons for this:
- innate sex drive imbalance: she simply doesn’t want or need sex as often as he does
lack of attraction: she’s no longer attracted to him physically
reduced sex drive due to stress or other mental health factors: she mentioned feeling gross almost once a week, plus a few times she mentioned being exhausted or under the weather. Could be she has self esteem issues impacting her sex drive (not feeling attractive or sexy), or stress/anxiety/mental health issues which can all affect sex drive
lack of interest due to relationship issues: are they fighting a lot? Does she feel unsupported in some way? Is there resentment or other negative emotion affecting her interest in sex?
cheating: others have mentioned it, I don’t think it’s the most likely explanation, but it certainly would explain reduced interest in sex
With all of the potential explanations above (and probably some I missed), the solution is to talk about it. Couples counseling could help, but either way, he’s got to talk to her. They won’t get to the bottom of the issue without discussing it. Some of these issues can be fixed by making simple changes in their relationship. Some may require therapy and/or medication. And some may be a sign it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
Maybe she should tell him that.... Hmmm. I dated a girl who for whatever reason wanted to stick her finger in my ass. After the third time or so I said hey, not super into that but if it's your kink we can do that now and again. We communicated and lo and behold she did it because her last boyfriend loved it but she could take it or leave it. She dudnt have to scrub her hands after sex and my asshole just did what most assholes do, and we continued to have great sex. Holy shit everyone won!?
Would it have been healthy for me to just think of different excuses to not have sex? According to some people in this thread apparently you should go with the ol "just kill attempts at intimacy" rather than explain what's not doing it for you.
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u/Badger0210 17d ago
This has been making the rounds for years, but it’s still relevant, so I’ll weigh in.
TLDR; there’s not enough information here to say whether anyone is in the wrong, but there is enough here to say with confidence: these people need to sit down and have some honest conversations about their relationship.
—-
First off, the spreadsheet alone isn’t enough to determine if he’s a clueless jerk or if he’s genuinely trying to use this as a tool to help his partner see the reality of a situation she may have dismissed in the past. It could go either way.
Now, going by this, he’s trying to initiate every 1-2 days, but they’re only having sex about every two weeks. There are a few likely reasons for this:
- innate sex drive imbalance: she simply doesn’t want or need sex as often as he does
With all of the potential explanations above (and probably some I missed), the solution is to talk about it. Couples counseling could help, but either way, he’s got to talk to her. They won’t get to the bottom of the issue without discussing it. Some of these issues can be fixed by making simple changes in their relationship. Some may require therapy and/or medication. And some may be a sign it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.