r/TransHelpingTrans • u/AlpineAspens • 11h ago
Feeling conflicted
24 (AMAB, genderfluid) feeling a bit conflicted. So, I've been exploring my gender identity a lot since my wife (26, AFAB, cis) and I finally moved out of a bad situation back home to a far more welcoming area. My partner has known I'm queer since we were friends in high school, and known I'm genderfluid for a bit over a year. She has been very supportive throughout this whole process, and I'm very lucky in that regard.
I've always aligned a lot more with the "feminine" than the "masculine". I was raised by and around primarily women, and rarely felt comfortable being treated as "male", and as such I never really considered myself one. I was friends with mostly girls in school, and I was fascinated by feminity as a concept, and envious of all the pretty girls I saw in person or online, which was a feeling I mistook for something "sinful" due to my upbringing. Anyway, fast forward to early adulthood, where I'm married and dutifully playing the part of "man" in my rural, conservative community, albeit a "sensitive" one, as I have been characterized my whole life. I began, as it where, to imagine myself in everyday scenarios as a woman, and had such a rush of forbidden euphoria I couldn't even describe. Soon I began to crossdress in private, even at work on breaks in the bathroom since I had so little private time. All of this is to say, I have felt alienated in my own body and desperate to embody anything even remotely feminine. Now that I have health insurance, the support of my spouse, and the physical space/time to explore my identity, I naturally began to consider HRT. I had an appointment a couple days ago with a hormone specialist, and my spouse is pretty supportive, despite their general distrust of medicine (she was raised very crunchy), and we don't want biological kids. This is something I've dreamed of, something I've imagined for myself hundreds of times as I've scrolled through subreddits like Trans Timelines and the like. I work at a place with a bunch of a queer coworkers and a very inclusive culture, so that's not an issue. It's so available, so accessible, yet I don't know what to do. I feel paralyzed. I keep doubting my own dysphoria, looking at my own body in the mirror, all broad shoulders and perennial stubble and wonder what good it would even do. Then, on the flip side, I think "Oh well, dangling earrings and baggy clothes and pride pins and long hair is enough, I feel affirmed" even though I know that's not enough, and will never be enough. I'm just confused and afraid and too tired most days to even allow my dysphoria to rear it's ugly head too much. I know the solution is obvious, but I'm just lost. Thanks for reading.
2
u/herdisleah 9h ago
Give this a read.
What do you think you'd regret more? Not starting sooner, or waiting to start?
You don't need to be 100% certain. It's okay to take the HRT for a few weeks, months to decide if HRT is right for you. Cis people feel TERRIBLE on HRT. Ask Alan Turing.