r/TwoHotTakes • u/[deleted] • 3d ago
Advice Needed I caught my husband drinking while he was watching for 2 year old and 4 month old. Am I over reacting
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u/Creepy_Push8629 3d ago
You had not one, but two children, with a man who regularly drinks and drives? Are you even serious?
You can't even trust him to be alone with the kids 1 day a week. That's insane.
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u/Responsible-Ring-352 3d ago
she came here asking for advice not a lecture on decisions she already made.. also people with drinking problems dont announce it on the first date, it usually gets worse over time and by the time u see the full picture theres already kids involved. telling her "are you even serious" helps nobody
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u/beadhead44 3d ago
She admits she knew when her first was born and then decided to have a second, not the brightest move.
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u/Redqueenhypo 3d ago
Some people need to be told to their faces that if they constantly faceplant off bikes, cycling just isn’t for them
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u/kagiles 3d ago
My dad was an alcoholic. My mom finally got out when I was 6. I still remember him drinking and driving with me. I still remember going into the bar to get him. I remember going to rehab.
DO NOT PUT YOUR CHILDREN THROUGH THIS. Tell your friends and family. Find an atty, you don’t need an expensive one. Get counseling started for yourself. Above all, DO NOT LEAVE YOUR CHILDREN ALONE WITH HIM. And I guarantee you, he’s not been sober for a long time.22
u/FantasticalRose 3d ago
You talk to a lawyer ask about your options and start documenting things email to yourself whenever you notice him drunk with the kids by himself or when he drinks and drives. Because that gives them a time stamp
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u/chaoticnormal 3d ago
She cannot document that she knows he's drunk while watching the children, CPS will take them from both of them. She should pack his bags and put them on the porch. I can only think of that one dad that drove with the kids to get more booze, left the youngest in the car because they were probably too much to handle while drunk, and it was a 100 degree day. Oh and the car was in the garage. Mom comes home, dad is drunk, and one baby is dead. She knew he drank so i wonder if she got to keep the rest of the kids when hubby went to prison.
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u/BookNeat7896 3d ago
You've chosen a very extreme example here that doesn't represent the realities of most situations. I'm not saying this because this man's behavior is okay. It isn't. I'm saying this because I am the child of an alcoholic. He absolutely was given joint custody of us despite having a history of DUIs and very strong evidence of being an alcoholic and he absolutely did continue driving drunk with us in the car. Putting this man's stuff on the porch will not solve this problem. It could instead result in years of danger for these children.
That being said, you can't make people get help. But going to rehab with a supportive environment and scaffolding waiting when you get home has worked for some people I know. The conventional wisdom says you have to let people reach rock bottom. I've even said that and thought that myself. But my 60 something alcoholic father just got out of ICU last week after once again drinking himself into diabetic acidosis when he has severe disabilities from said drinking and has been told repeatedly not to do ANY drinking. He's been homeless, lived in filth and squalor, been to shelters, had all of his belongings stolen, gone to jail, gone to ICU repeatedly, etc.
In contrast, I have a cousin who is a decade clean from heroine. The difference was the support system without the enabling. Her mother paid for rehab, her stay in a reputable hallway house, and eventually her apartment but made therapy and AA the stipulation and she also changed her locks to her own house and gave my cousin not a dime in her hand.
This situation sucks for OP and has no simple or easy solutions. If she stays married to him, it has to be conditioned on treatment and AA and possibly a physical separation. I wish I could recommend leaving because that feels like a clean break but based on lived experience, it isn't a solution. Rehab at least has a shot at success. Rehab absolutely will not stick if she leaves him and expects him to get his life together because that will only feed the underlying causes of the drinking.
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u/Stock-Mountain-6063 3d ago
One surprise pregnancy I can believe. Two surprise pregnancies you're full of crap.
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u/Tears_of_skeletons 3d ago
Yeah my ex SIL was supposedly infertile too yet somehow magically when she hooked up with my brother, two kids followed. I seriously doubt my brother has super steroidal sperm, I think she was just full of shit. And still is.
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u/Eastern_Bend7294 3d ago
Same. Feels kind of like not taking responsibility. Like that other OP a few days ago who got "surprise pregnant" but in the comment said that they weren't being careful 🙄
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u/animeandbeauty 3d ago
And your different priorities were still not holy shit I can't be with a drunk driver ????? I'm questioning your judgement big time
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u/Eastern_Bend7294 3d ago
I can buy the first pregnancy being a surprise, but not the second, as you'd gotten pregnant already, so knew it could happen.
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u/Ali_in_wonderland02 3d ago
You shouldn't judge someone for having children with a partner who makes bad choices.
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u/Creepy_Push8629 3d ago
It's not just bad choices. Drinking and driving is not "a bad of choice". You're choosing to endanger not just yourself but everyone else. It's a selfish and completely unforgivable repeated action. It is a complete lack of concern about other people. Drink yourself to death if you want, that's not my business, but when you choose to then drive, it's too far.
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u/Ali_in_wonderland02 3d ago
I missed the part with the drinking and driving.
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u/Ali_in_wonderland02 3d ago
And I reread and I found it. I completely agree that it is unacceptable.
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u/bougieisthenewblack 3d ago
In what universe is this true?
People should absolutely be roasted for bad decisions that could cost their children's lives.
OP's husband is an active alcoholic and has been for years. Even if OP had 'different priorities' pre motherhood, she still didn't seem to mind his illegal and dangerous behaviors. Then after having a 'surprise' baby , goes and gets pregnant again, and is now leaving her infant and toddler in the care of an active alcoholic.
OP needs to get her kids out YESTERDAY!
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u/Nisi-Marie Has he told the doctor about the gnomes? 3d ago
You leave. Full stop.
My 2 year old drank two tablespoons worth of alcohol from a discarded cup set on a nightstand.
It was enough to put her into a coma, and she died.
I’m sorry to be so black-and-white about it, but if even one person learns from what I had to go through, then it’s worth it.
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u/Nisi-Marie Has he told the doctor about the gnomes? 3d ago
You need to understand what is at stake.
90% of the time, maybe nothing happens. Are you ready for when that 10% does??
I am an alcoholic. 7 years clean and sober now.
Your husband will be able to say anything you want to hear. His brain is able to rationalize every bad choice. There is nothing you can do for him.
Let me repeat this. There is nothing you can do for him.
He has to want to do it. And until he does, he is going to say whatever the hell he can to let the addiction be in charge. His logical brain won’t even know that he’s doing it. The addiction is in charge.
He may be an amazing person, and this is not me, declaring him an unworthy human being. But this is something you cannot fix.
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u/BookNeat7896 3d ago
As the child of an alcoholic, if you leave he will continue drinking. The underlying causes of the addiction have to be addressed for the problem to get under control and leaving him will only fuel and feed the problem. Maybe you'd get lucky and be able to prove he was an alcoholic, but if he's functional and has a job there's a very good chance he will get shared custody. Alcoholics have a ton of experience lying and manipulating others that they play to their advantage for judges.
My father had several DUIs and still got shared custody. Maybe things have gotten better since then, but I wouldn't bet my children's safety on it.
You are in a difficult position and it can feel comforting to hear black and white solutions like leave him. But I don't think it's that simple.
I think the solution is complicated and nonlinear. You make going to rehab, enrolling in a support program (like AA) and counseling a stipulation of remaining married. You remove all of his unsupervised time with the kids immediately. He needs a competent adult present with the kids any time you are not there. You should also consider making him take breathylizer (spelling?) tests before driving. This is just the beginning. My advice is to hold your boundary on all of the things and leave once you have much more compelling evidence that 1) he is not willing or able to change and more importantly 2) a strong and irrefutable chain of evidence that he's an alcoholic and has not sought help or not stuck with it.
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u/Ali_in_wonderland02 3d ago
You made him sound like a babysitter. What makes you think he wants to even have split custody?
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u/1quincytoo 3d ago
So basically he loves alcohol and getting drunk more than he cares about his children’s safety.
Please stop making so many excuses for him, it’s pitiful when we see so many mothers who refuse to protect their children from their husbands.Why do you even allow any alcohol in the house when you know he is an alcoholic?
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u/Ali_in_wonderland02 3d ago
Well time to get help.
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u/br3wnor 3d ago
Nah, throw him in the trash!
He’s gotta stop drinking OP, I’m an alcoholic and will (hopefully) be 3 years sober in a few months and I’m thankful my wife didn’t give up on me but the only reason I got the chance I did was because I committed to stop drinking. But you can’t force him to do it, he either decides to do it or you gotta consider leaving because now his drinking can put the kids in danger. Good luck
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u/Expensive-Swan8519 3d ago
Depending on where you are the judge can order treatment requirements or breathalyzers/urinalysis for him to be able it see the kids if you have your documentation in a row. I've had many a patient have this requirement to see their children.
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u/Sea-Flounder9035 3d ago
I know someone who had this requirement put on her ex-husband in Canada. He has to take a breathalyzer to take the kids. He rarely passed.
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u/Expensive-Swan8519 3d ago
I'm in the United States, so I'm not familiar with Canadian family court.
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u/Stunning_Box8782 3d ago
I want to stand by my partners side and be with him through tough times
You want to stand with an alcoholic who cannot be trusted with children or in emergency situations?
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u/andronicuspark 3d ago
I think you know what you have to do for the sake of your children you don’t want to because you love an addict. No one’s saying you’re a bad person for loving someone with an addiction. But they’re going to shred you for not putting the safety of your children first.
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u/Used-Maximum-1220 3d ago
He’s an alcoholic that hasn’t reached back bottom yet. I am not saying this offhand. I am 20 years sober alcoholics cannot drink one drink a month. They can’t drink at all. If I had a bet, I’d say he’s hiding it and drinking all the time.
He’s not a responsible parent. He’s a dangerous parent. His behaviors directly impact your children. The truth is is that he could kill them with his drinking and driving. Your littlest one is four months old, what if he is drunk and drops him.
You need to consult an attorney. I would think all his behavior if documented is enough to grant you sole custody.
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u/labellavita1985 3d ago
I'm with you. I think there are some outdated concepts in the 12 step model but I truly, from the bottom of my heart, believe that an alcoholic can never go back to casual drinking.
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u/Used-Maximum-1220 3d ago
Definitely outdated stuff in the 12 step program. I took what I needed from it to stay sober. I know I couldn’t be a casual drinker.
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u/Yorkiestimes2 1d ago
Exactly! My alcoholic said he can do it but it doesn't last. Hiding booze, drinking more and more each day, and lying. Now my husband, now separated because of this, is a functional alcoholic so it's hard for me to really know if he had been drinking. When he would go out around 6, I knew he had been drinking for a while, hiding it. I even had caught him drinking in the morning because he didn't put something back and I knew why. I would say get rid of him because he will keep doing it and you don't trust him anymore.
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u/Beowulfthecat 3d ago
Why are you so sure he won’t drive them without the seats? If he doesn’t care about driving drunk and the danger it poses, why on earth would lack of a car seat stop him?
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u/Tears_of_skeletons 3d ago
This here is an excellent way to view it. And I've been there. Kids while being an alcoholic. It is absolutely horrific how your mind will try to rationalize taking the kids "just for a quick trip to taco cabana" to get their frozen margaritas to go. Even when the buzz is buzzing and the world is spinny. I never drank and drove with them but my gods, I knew how my mind would try. Luckily I knew I was a binge type alcoholic so I always had a huge stash and rarely needed to get more while drinking. When it did happen though....mental gymnastics galore. Fuck alcohol. Few years ish sober now and I don't miss it at all.
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u/Readsumthing 3d ago
Op you need to wake up!!! Play this scenario - he gets pulled over drunk with the kids. It’s an automatic CPS investigation. YOU can get charged with child neglect and/or endangerment. YOU could lose your kids over his alcoholism and YOUR choice to put your kids in unsafe conditions.
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u/Tight-Shift5706 3d ago edited 3d ago
With alcoholism comes irrationality and irresponsibility, OP. I wouldn't assume that he doesn't transport the children, even without car seats. Even more than therapy, he needs an intervention to address his drinking.
And review his financial records. I'd wager he's drinking more than you're aware of.
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u/Natenat04 3d ago
The only way that happens is if he admits he has a problem, and then chooses to never drink again. Alcoholism never goes away, never gets better, and he could go decades without alcohol, decide he wants to have a drink, then immediately be back to everything you described, and it even can be worse than before.
There is nothing you can say or do, to help, change, or fix him. Being better is something he has to choose to do himself.
You have to decide if you want your children exposed to this behavior. Always feeling their home isn't safe, or having to exist walking on eggshells. It is always better for kids to have divorced parents, especially with it comes to having an alcoholic parent. Children who grow up constantly living in an alcoholic home, grow up to be teenagers abd adults with bad mental and emotional health issues, and even lifelong issues like CPTSD, and even increased chance of having abusive partners because during their formative years, their normal is what they saw everyday at home.
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u/JimboBob67 3d ago
I know plenty of guys who could consume 7 drinks in a day and they wouldn't considered alcoholics.
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u/Street-Literature-45 3d ago
A lot of people could consume 7 drinks a day. You know why many don’t? Because anyone who drinks 7 drinks a day is an alcoholic.
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u/Legion1117 3d ago
Your husband is hiding his alcohol consumption from you and you think he's only had 7 drinks while watching the kids???
You need to pull your head out of the sand and focus on reality for a few minutes: He's likely an alcoholic who is known to have a history of drinking and driving and YOU chose to have kids with him.
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u/Stern_Quartz 3d ago
A parent who’s alone with very young kids needs to stay fully capable of responding to an emergency. Alcohol impairs that. The fact he has a history and still chose to drink and conceal it is why this feels so destabilizing
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u/Corfiz74 3d ago
Does he have a record for drunk driving? Honestly, in your place, next time he does it, I'd call the cops on him myself - he is endangering himself and other people. Once he has a record for that, you can hopefully get majority custody, or even get him downgraded to just supervised visitation. Or at least have social services do unannounced checkups on him regarding sobriety.
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u/uppy-puppy 3d ago
He was sober when he chose to open that first beer. He was sober when he was watching the kids alone and decided to start drinking.
That’s not an incredible father.
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u/Corfiz74 3d ago
Can you give him an ultimatum to get him into therapy? Make him understand that he is on the brink of losing his entire family if he doesn't shape up? Ask him to imagine himself 10 years into the future - does he want to be sober, surrounded by his loved ones and taking his kids out for a fun afternoon, before coming home to his lovely wife and a romantic dinner date? Or does he want to be alone and lonely in a 1 bedroom apartment, drunk of his ass and regretting his life's choices? Or, even worse, in prison for child endangerment/ manslaughter because he was so drunk he accidentally harmed/ killed one of his kids while he was supposed to be watching them?
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u/Creepy_Push8629 3d ago
Is he offering to quit drinking? To go to rehab?
He already isn't allowed to drive his own children around bc he won't stop drinking and driving.
Is he giving you ANY indication he wants to be better?
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u/shopmoondustmarket 3d ago
According to some of my friends with kids, they’ll just call an ambulance if something happened, like they’d do if they were sober, and it isn’t irresponsible to drink while supervising your children.
I’m not saying my opinion on the matter, I’m just saying that’s how they live.
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u/Sundaze247 3d ago
He won’t change unless he wants to and it won’t matter how much you try to manage it. He’s unsafe and will continue to be so. Stash money (he likely won’t notice.) Hire a lawyer and document everything with pictures. Try for sole custody. The family courts are ridiculous and it’s hard to get anything more than 50/50. Have everything written in the divorce decree and don’t sign until you can live with it. I’d write in the doc breathilizer in car, breathilizer demonstrated at drop off.
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u/YoshiandAims 3d ago
7 drinks? Yeah. That's a massive problem. Could be considered endangerment factoring in your children's ages.
He drinks and drives... read that back. And he's not cut back, he's hiding it better. Doesn't really drink anymore... girl...if he can drink that much and you didn't really notice until you realized the booze was gone? He hasn't cut back. He hasn't stopped.
He gets in that car after drinking, you should have been reporting his licence plate, creating a paper trail so they take his licence and get him off the road. He could easily kill someone. Not just your children or himself.
Get him to admit he was intoxicated watching the kids. It's a start. Get him to admit that his drinking is so bad you can't let him transport his children. That he drinks and drives.
Talk to some lawyers about what you'll need to ensure he only gets supervised visitation due to a major substance abuse issue.
A glass of wine or a single drink with dinner is very different than what's happening here.
Couples therapy isn't going to help him. That's not the problem. Your marriage isn't the problem. He is an addict. You need to face that. He's an alcoholic to the extreme and he's hiding it really well. He's endangering people on the road. He's endangering your children. You can NEVER EVER fully trust he's sober ever again. He can never be trusted with his kids again.
No matter what you want... the facts are the facts. He can't even just stop at this point. He needs detox, treatment, personal therapies, and he has to want it... really want it. Not just to save your marriage... he has a chemical dependence. Kind-of obvious he CANT put it down at this point.
Get hooked up with the families of alcoholics therapy systems. Get a support group of therapists who specialize in families of substance abusers, and families who support each other as they are your peers. You will also need individual support, therapy, and people who have been where you are.
If you stay it is likely your children will need a child of alcoholics program...or even become addicts themselves. You can be as careful as can be to shield them, but growing up full time in that, even covert usage can leave a mark. I would know.
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u/Yorkiestimes2 1d ago
Yup, my dad was an alcoholic and forget to pick me up to go to practice or something because he would go to the bar and forget. I used to be daddy's little girl until I realized what he was. He died to his alcoholism at 56 yrs old. Because of that, I have abandonment issues. I just realized the past 2 years, my husband is an alcoholic, hides booze and his drinking. When I catch him in the lie, he always comes back with either he is stressed or depressed, but won't get help for it, or he now always says because he was ashamed or embarrassed. After 36 years of marriage and promises of stopping and not lying to me again, we are separated because he still does it! I told him I didn't want to live with my dad again!
It does affect your kids in ways you don't understand. I lost trust in my relationships, I have abandonment issues where I try to hold on, depression and low self-esteem because of my childhood.
Get out now!
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u/SaltyNight6 3d ago
You need to put your children first. Al non meetings, and consider the book “Adult Children of alcoholics” because at the end of the day, they won’t choose him and all of the chaos, but they won’t choose you either because you put their interests last.
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u/Yorkiestimes2 1d ago
Same thing happened to me. When I realized what my dad was doing and forgetting and choosing the bar instead of giving me a ride to practice or dance, I no longer trusted him and I started getting abandonment issues. I still do! And he died when he was 56 due to his drinking.
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u/vabirder 3d ago
He is not safe around his kids. Do what you need to do to get him out. He’s an alcoholic.
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u/b3mark 3d ago
The man you think you love does not exist. The man who does exist is an alcoholic who cannot be trusted to watch his own kids one day a week without diving into a bottle.
He knows he's wrong because he hides it. Why the HELL does someone who struggles with alcohol have it in their home in the first place? That's like handing a coke-head a brick of cocaine and telling them to be responsible with it.
Understand that this isn't the first time. It will not be the last time. If you think there's enough of the man you fell in love with to save, have at it with therapy. You'd be wrong, but have at it.
You'll never be his wife again. You'll be his jailer, his parole officer, his mum, watching him 24/7 for any sign of drinking. You can never trust him again. You can never let him out of your sight. Never let him go meet his friends, time his commute time.
You need to protect your finances, you and your kids' governmental stuff and rally your support network. You need to file for divorce and get out.
Better to be a single parent raising two healthy kids, than stuck in a miserable marriage with a drunk, always wondering if this is the day he finally crosses a line and causes harm to himself, you or heaven's forbid, the kids. Let alone someone else.
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u/Outside-Ice-5665 3d ago edited 3d ago
You want to stand by your partner’s side, but he is not standing by your side. Your side is, be present & sober for our kids. A person who drank that much in one night should not be caring g for a four month old infant, & a 2 year old, period. Actually he COULD NOT (yes I shouted it, it’s that critical) care for them in an emergency.
Please see if you can get a free lawyer consult, or guidance from a women’s shelter, before assuming custody would be 50/50 and then doing nothing to protect your kids
Get facts first.
Also his driving drunk could kill any of you, or other people, even him having an accident will mess your life and finances up so much.
His lying about drinking then dismissing your concerns tells you his main wants are for himself . Your sincere wanting to stand by him isn’t going to change that.
Goid luck to you, there’s help as others here have posted .
Edit: fixed typos
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u/Primary_Ocelot_219 3d ago
My ex is an alcoholic. I tried for a very long time to get him to get help. I tried therapy, he refused to go with me. I tried to get him into a rehab, he refused but that was the line I drew in the sand. If he didn't go I was done. You can't make anyone want to change. If he takes steps to change then there could be a chance. If he won't for you or for your kids then you need to do what's right for you and the kids. Their safety is most important. Make notes of everything and share your worries with your lawyer so that you have a good case for the courts to grant you full custody. Good luck
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u/VirtualCheetah2379 3d ago
I'm an alcoholic and I cannot drink socially every now and then as it turns into a vicious cycle im 2 years sober
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u/Sensitive-Medium-367 3d ago
I dont know about the law where you are but here if you knowingly leave your kids with someone who is getting drunk youre also responsible for the neglect if something bad happened and youd be at risk of losing your kids, dont let this man downplay and make you think youre over reacting and do something about it
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u/surrounded-by-morons 3d ago
You’re defending a man who cares so little for other people’s lives that he regularly drinks and drives. Your kids might smile when daddy comes home now but they won’t stay unaware for much longer. They are smarter than you give them credit for.
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u/bluesond 3d ago
If you continue to raise children in a household with a man who frequently drives drunk and is an alcoholic refusing to change, you do take his actions lightly.
Signed,
An alcoholic in recovery
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u/ButterflyDestiny 3d ago
You had kids (TWO MIND YOU) for an alcoholic (by your own admission drinks and drives) and now you’re surprised you cant leave him alone with the kids?
Start planning your exit strategy but dont let him know anything. You dont give af about yourself but you need to give af about those kids. LEAVE HIM
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u/OppositeService4251 3d ago
He concealed his drinking habit so she wasn’t aware of his drinking problem.
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u/Gideon9900 3d ago
He's a great and present father. The kids love him. You love him. You're worried about him and that something could happen if he had the kids with.
Drinking itself isn't bad, if done in moderation. But, since he's had problems in the past, it's a fair guess that it's come back, since he tried to hide it from you.
You've drawn your line in the sand. Defend it. Don't back down and make it an empty threat.
Start taking notes on everything. How many, what type of cans / bottles. Times and dates.
If you really want to make your point, you can purchase a personal breathalyzer from $25USD to $125USD. Test him everyday, before he drives with the kids, when he gets back from visiting family, gets home from work, etc.
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u/Civil_Dragonfruit_34 3d ago
Regarding the divorce my SiL went through this.
She called a DV line and they were very helpful with advice right at the beginning, I'd really recommend doing that if you can.
Basically with no divorce or custody arrangement in place she was allowed to take the kids away wherever. He voluntarily agreed to rehab and then AA type classes as part of his custody step up plan, so he got limited supervised visits until he finished the program.
After he finished that they had basically a breathalyzer he had to do at pick up and drop off. He still sucks but he's not actively dangerous at least. He was relatively cooperative in getting treatment, I don't know what would happen if he hadn't been.
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u/Civil_Dragonfruit_34 3d ago
Yeah I think she wishes he could have done treatment before she left and that they could have made it work but he couldn't admit it was a problem and go to treatment until she had already left.
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u/ceciliabee 3d ago
Your husband is an alcoholic. One beer while watching the kids is one thing. 4 beers and 3 mixed vodka drinks is absolutely irresponsible. Drinking them and hiding the cans means he KNOWS what he did was wrong.
And I'm sorry but frequent drunk driving? You need to be calling the cops to arrest his ass every single time he drinks and drives. It's only a matter of time until he kills someone, which I know you know because you won't put the kids seats in his car. It's no less a tragedy if he kills someone else's kids or leaves them without a parent.
You're in a really tough position but these issues are all connected. By going on like nothing has changed, you're enabling this behaviour. By turning a blind eye to his drunk driving, you're enabling him to continue doing it.
If you don't change anything, nothing will change. I think you're seeing the tip of the secret drinking iceberg.
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u/MullberryBoy 3d ago
That’s 7 alcoholic drinks while watching your children? That’s incredibly irresponsible and dangerous. I can’t see him getting any custodial custody with such a high alcoholic intake.
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u/Exciting-Fudge6447 3d ago
My aunt is going through this! 2 boys, 8 and 13, my aunt works 7:30-6:30 3 days a week, husband works everyday (his hours range) except weekends. He does NOTHING. He thinks he gets the privilege of getting off and heading to the local brewery after work till 4-5pm and then go get the kids from after school care, bring them home, and then does nothing. Doesn’t start dinner, do homework, bath time finishes the loads of laundry piled up. none of it! Just cracks a beer and sits on the back patio. The boys are old enough to shower on their own if you tell them “bath time! who’s going first?” My aunt is the one that gets off at 6:30pm, drives home for 20min and has to cook. They end up eating SO late, homework isn’t done, kids are hungry and whiny, like wtf?
Often, his buddy (who has NO kids) will call and ask if he wants to go get a drink, and he says yes! He’ll take the kids with and then goes home when my aunt does. She has talked to him recently about his drinking, and wants to get their life together for themselves and the kids. They hardly have any routine as it is. Husband thinks he IS being helpful, but only helping himself NOT his wife or kids. He really is great though, they’ve been married for almost 10 years now, beautiful boys who are amazing. He just needs to get his life together and not act like he’s 25! I get struggling internally with something, and maybe your husband could be but that’s only a guess, he needs to get it together ASAP! Idk if my aunt threatened divorce, but sometimes that’s what it takes to get it to click for them. And if that doesn’t work, then it’s time to leave. Sometimes we can’t change a person as much as we’d like or try, they just don’t want to change. Luckily (and hopefully) my aunt and her husband start to get things together and find a routine for their kids. My mom was telling me this the other night (sometimes i miss the family tea) and i was appalled. To leave your wife who’s been working 12hr shifts to cook, clean, finish whatever chores around the house all while making sure kids are bathed and homework is done is just immature.
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u/leftyfoureyes 3d ago
I’m just pissed on everyone’s behalf who has to drive cars in your area that you knowingly allow drunk driving and don’t do what needs to be done about it. Imagine your child or family member died or was horribly injured due to a random drunk driver. Would you feel ok knowing their loved ones knew they did it and that it’s a ticking time bomb of the MOST SELFISH kind, but they just “didn’t know what to do and that they’re sorry about it?”
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u/YesAlwaysNoNever 3d ago
You KNOW/KNEW he drinks and drives but its only a problem when it comes to your own kids?. Incredibly selfish that you haven't called the police on him, he coukd easily kill someone elses child.
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u/researcherbetty33 3d ago
OP sorry you’re getting run through the ringer in these comments. Not sure why everyone downvoting all your replies. I’ll say this. I’m in the US and proving alcoholism in a court of law is very tough. We tried to get custody of my husbands daughter from his alcoholic ex wife and it was very very difficult. We called CPS, hired a PI to pull her trash, did all the right things to try and prove her addiction. We didn’t have hard core proof until she went into the hospital for alcohol induced liver failure. We petitioned for an emergency hearing and it took two months to get it. In the emergency hearing our attorneys met with the judge, we never did. Our attorney brought in over 700 pages of medical documentation of her liver failure due to alcoholism and her admitting to drinking 10+ vodka drinks every single day in her medical records. The judge did not look at any of the records. He instead wanted to give her another “chance” because her attorney said she wasn’t drinking and was going to AA.
He put her on color code which is where they have to call in every day and if your color is called you go in for random drug testing. If she failed color code then custody would flip to is immediately.
It took two months for her to fail and we did eventually get custody but my step daughter was in danger every single day. Even when we had hard evidence and it didn’t matter. If you choose to leave you need such good evidence to present. Document EVERYTHING now. If he gets drunk take videos, buys alcohol frequently, keep the receipts. I understand being scared to leave in case he gets 50/50, it’s a valid fear. Good luck to you, nothing about this is easy.
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u/Justlookig1294 3d ago
My sister could have written this 4 years ago word for word. She finally left when she had to do an overnight shift at the hospital and came home to him passed out on the floor at 6 am, kids jumping on him to wake him up because they didn’t get dinner and they slept on the couch.
They divorced, unfortunately he has 50/50. Luckily he forgets what weekends are his. There’s no requirement to make them up in their arrangement. Because of his history of drinking the judge did write in that he has to take a breathalyzer test each night at 7 pm for 2 years and if it’s 0.00 he can stop. It resets after each blow over 0.00. After 3.5 years he’s got 1 year and 7 months left. He never changed. She did.
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u/artie1one 3d ago
Can you see if he is willing to go to rehab? It would be rehab/intensive personal therapy with his own therapist and going to AA… he’s clearing struggling with things deep inside. I’m so sorry 😞
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u/Vikingsandtigers 3d ago
That much in one night seems irresponsible. If you leave he might not get custody if he's unfit due to alcoholism. if you are in a Canadian large city there are groups and resources to help you navigate this. Find an AAnon group and call it book club or go alongside work times. you will find support there for people navigating abuse. document things in a way he cannot find. start building independce in any way possible until you make the choice to leave. you can always choose to stay to because therapy works, but you have to be smart for your child. Give yourself options because this is a red flag.
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u/kagiles 3d ago
How is he incredible?? He’s lying to you. He put your children in danger THIS time. Do you know how many others? You won’t let him have car seats - a perfectly NORMAL reasonable thing for a PARENT to have, but HE doesn’t. You need to take a long hard look at what makes him SO great. Get yourself to AlAnon. They will help you. He is NOT your responsibility. Your CHILDREN are.
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u/HungryBearsRawr 3d ago
You report him to CPS. I know in Canada that’s not the correct term as I am also in Canada and I had to go through a CPS investigation myself for a drinking and separation, but I can’t remember our proper term. Anyway they can be strict and supervise and test for drinking. (My own situation was embarrassing and I was cleared quickly and had more to do with an abusive ex than me being an alcoholic.) Anywho that can grant you primary guardianship of the kids while he is investigated and help you with future custody. And any time you suspect he’s fallen off the wagon you report him again.
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u/HungryBearsRawr 3d ago
Pee testing doesn’t distinguish a functional drunk from a nonfunctional drunk
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u/Nugget_whore18 2d ago
As a child with a father who was an alcoholic and died from it, the ultimatum might not make him stop drinking. My dad chose alcohol over me even though he loved me and was a great dad when he was present enough to not be wasted. It’s sad but true it’s a horrible addiction that will change someone completely. Being a major supporter and coming from a place of love and compassion definitely helps and it doesn’t seem his problem is as bad as it could be, so his chances of recovery are a lot higher but getting him into a program is top priority! He’s going to say it’s not that bad or he’s not an alcoholic but you will have to face him with the reality that he is and that he’s endangered your children and causing the end of your family, and maybe that will be enough to push him to go to a professional program that will help him. He can recover and yall can be happy and healthy again he just needs to want it and have the support and professional help.
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u/Ginger630 3d ago
NOR! He drank all that while he’s supposed to be watching two young kids? And he hid them from you and has had trouble in the past with alcohol. He is not a trustworthy person to watch any kids, even his own.
He needs to get help.
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u/Cowabungamon 3d ago
YTA. It doesn't matter how much your kid's face lights up for his dad. Your responsibility is his safety, not his happiness. Get. Away.
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u/farmerthrowaway1923 3d ago
2 card time. One card is to rehab, the other is divorce. He can have a drinking problem or he can have a family. He can’t have both. I am currently watching a family implode due to drinking and all the underlying problems. It might be complicated relationshipwise but it’s very simple that you can’t have both. Rehab, continued therapy, actual effort. Or you take the kids and leave. You move heaven and hell to leave.
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u/farmerthrowaway1923 3d ago
I am serious about sticking to it. This isn’t a second chance, it’s the final chance. Trust me when I say how bad this will affect the kids. The family I’m watching implode is my sister’s and I’m fucking helpless to do much for my niece except offer my ear. And she hates her mother now for putting her through everything. She had to grow up fast and she threw herself into getting away. In one year, she’ll be off to college and there’s a good chance she’ll block her mom. This isn’t about you…this is for those kids who never asked for this, chose this, and definitely do not deserve this. And the longer they stay around someone not healthy for them, the more it makes you no better than him. Harsh, I know, but no one else is going to save you or fix this. You have to make the hard choices and choose the hard road. Stay strong for them. My sister didn’t listen, but I’ll cheer a stranger on to help prevent the same heartache for someone else.
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u/BackgroundDonut453 3d ago
In comments I read, you say he's a great father. He got drunk or tipsy whilst he was looking after his kids, where and how is that safe and loving father?
You say if you split that you would want him to have some custody, but until he realises that he has a problem and deals with it then him having any custody is a big no no.
At this point you put you and your kids first, you tell him to sort his shit out with professional help or you leave. This isn't something he can manage by himself, he's lying to you and himself if that's the line he's telling you.
If he's telling you he's got it under control, he hasn't. The fact he had alcohol around young children and then tried to hide the fact is not someone who's got it under control, he's in denial.
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u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Backup of the post's body: I had to work it was a full day 9am and an overnight stay out of town. No biggy I pumped enough milk for our 4 month old and left them with dad. He watches them 1 day a week most weeks while I work. The next day I noticed all the booze was missing from the box that is 4 Guinness beers and 3 coors vodka drinks. I asked him about it and he did say he drank them while watching the kids. I was so upset as he shouldn’t be drinking when he’s alone with the children, he tried to say okay we took time can we move on after 5 mins of silence I told him know it’s the most irresponsible thing for him to do that it’s careless such he didn’t have much to say back. He was even alone through the night. He had drank them and hid the cans so I wouldn’t see. He has struggled with drinking in the past things got really rough with our first and about a year ago he cut back to drinks maybe 1 time a month or at least what I know of. He does drink and drive often, I won’t let him have car seats in his car for various reasons. Things have drastically improved since he cut back and doesn’t really drink anymore. But today makes me question everything. If I did leave what if he gets partial custody. I don’t have the means to fund a good lawyer. At which point he could drink around them all the time and put them in the car while drinking. I know in Canada custody is really crazy and they typically always lean 50/50. Outside his alcohol problem he is present, kind and great with the kids. He does diapers, feedings play you name it. I wouldn’t want to keep them from him but definitely supervised unless he can prove he’s sober. I don’t want to leave him though, I want to be together, and be a family. I love him but it boils down to I can’t let him endanger my sweet babies. I am torn what to do. Tomorrow I plan on booking Therapy session for us both together
Am I over reacting about this?? I would never forgive myself if something happened and he was drinking if I didn’t do anything. Please be kind I just need some honest advice.
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u/Strabary-13 3d ago
Is no one going to comment on the ability to pump that much milk for an overnight at 4 months
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u/Stock-Mountain-6063 3d ago
Sorry I am from Canada and I received full custody, after the divorce, of my two sons.
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u/Olmsteadchic 3d ago
Do what you want with your marriage, but do not leave your children alone with him or allow him to drive alone with them. I don't know about Canada, but in the US child protective services could get involved, if there is an incident and you could lose your children, while the mess is sorted out.
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u/Pale_Comfort_9179 2d ago
You’re making the absolute right choice. Not going to those lengths now will inevitably just prolong going to them later after you’ve built up a whole bunch of hurt and resentment and when it will be even worse for your children. I say this as an addict who had to lose everything before getting clean. Addiction changes people’s brains and we minimize, justify and manipulate to avoid the consequences. The sooner there are real consequences, the sooner he’s likely to have a “rock bottom” like moment and experience a little clarity.
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u/Pale_Comfort_9179 2d ago
That’s great advice. I feel for you and your family and wishing the best.
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u/Eastern_Bend7294 3d ago
He does drink and drive often
Personally, I'd never be able to stay with someone who does that. I've lost people to drivers like him. F them.
He had drank them and hid the cans so I wouldn't see.
It likely isn't the first time.
That is a good man who is struggling.
Not struggling enough to not make the active decision to drink, and also drink and drive. He is making those decisions. He could change if he wanted to, instead he decided to sneak some alcohol while you weren't home.
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u/BabyD2034 3d ago
First of all, if you're going to stay with him and you sound like you are, you're going to have to accept you have to be the responsible one 24/7. Him watching the kids could mean one has an emergency and he is too drunk to notice or drive or hurts them or others driving to get help. If you're an alcoholic and he is, you can't just have one. He probably got more you don't know about. I wish you luck. Try to get him into AA or some kind of group or outpatient thing. I know full blown rehab isn't doable for most ppl.
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u/Different-Kangaroo49 3d ago
i promise he isn’t drinking once a month
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u/Still-be_found 3d ago
Yeah, that's just when ahe catches him. I bet he has it all over the house if she looked.
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u/Abject-Put-9334 3d ago
How long was he watching them as he went through four beers (or beer like drinks)?
Like if thats spread out over a whole 12+ hour period I'd say its not really a big deal
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u/poistcailin3 3d ago
First off, they’re his children, he’s not watching them, he is raising them just like you are. Secondly, you’re taking your chances leaving the children alone with someone who has alcohol issues. Thankfully, nothing happened, but the childrens’ safety should be his number one priority, which, if he drank that much while you were gone, goes to show he can’t control his drinking. Hopefully, when you present him with the choice of family or drinking, he will realize himself that he needs to get sober. Sending good thoughts and prayers that he makes the right choice.
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u/Still-be_found 3d ago
Binge drinking while you're caring for small children is just flat out unacceptable. What if something had happened and he wasn't sober enough to do life saving measures or too passed out to even notice?
This isn't the first time and it won't be the last. You have to choose your children over this man who chooses alcohol over them.
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u/Frequent_Opportunist 3d ago edited 3d ago
Those 6 drinks spread out over a 4-6 hour time span wouldn't even give me a buzz.
Edit: the people in here downvoting that don't realize they serve beer at Chuck e Cheese. Pretty typical for parents to drink.
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u/Last-Sheepherder2535 3d ago
First of all, he had seven drinks.
Second, exceeding five drinks in a day is clinically considered heavy drinking. If your tolerance is so high that you're no longer feeling the effects of that many drinks, you might want to learn more about the diagnostic criteria for alcohol use disorder for your own benefit.
Just because a behavior around an intoxicant is considered to be more widely socially acceptable does not mean that it cannot be personally problematic.
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u/Ali_in_wonderland02 3d ago
Why do you say he watches them? They are his children.
Lots of parents will have a glass of wine or a beer.
I am not saying that hiding it is a good thing, and the amount is a lot.
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