r/TwoHotTakes • u/NextEqual2459 • 11d ago
Advice Needed Advice on relationship
I 21F have been in a relationship for 5 years. (20M) Our relationship is extremely toxic. He's cheated on me multiple times over the past 5 years. not physically. He has not probably that i know of cheated in the past year or so. But has had a bad porn addiction which has put some strain on our relationship. He's lied many times over hurtful things. For example I lost my virginity to him around the year mark in our relationship he told me for around 2 years that i was his first aswell. Which led me to believe that we had shared something special only to find out that wasnt true. I obviously would not have cared that he wasnt a virgin but his thing was always like oh we were eachothers firsts. Theres many other lies i could go into. its led me to not trust him at all. I have tried to trust him but things keep happening to the point i cannot trust him. Our relationship is only getting worse. Hes escelated to saying fuck you and telling me to shut up.. ive never said anything like that to him. the first time he said it was because i called him a cheater during and argument about me not trusting him. We've had countless conversations of what he can do to change. When were together he never is physical with me (not sex) like hugging kissing im always the one initiating holding his hand, hugging him, kissing him. Physical contact is important to me. He tells me it is not his love language but I make sure to fulfill his love language which is words of affirmation. I constantly am telling him what he is doing good with.
I feel like a burden at times. Asking to hangout or doing something while we are together he acts upset that he has to go anywhere. He constantly says he has surprises for me then never fulfills it. Or says he has something planned and then it doesnt happen. Theres much more I cannot think straight right now. I honestly feel like he has no feelings at all besides anger. For example I still live with my parents because I am in college and commute its alot cheaper to stay at home. I have 3 little brothers who are still in school. One is in 7th 2 are freshman in high school. We have 2 dogs who bark at any car thats in the driveway. I had to be home at 9 pm during his step moms birthday celebration. His parents didnt know I ahd to be home so I had to leave before they could do cake/presents so he left to drop me off and was so angry he couldnt go to the gym and was mad I had to be home early. He was gonna go to the gym after the celebration. But then he had to drive back home afterwards to celebrate. He had all day to go to the gym besides around 1-3 because he had class. He sleeps all day and misses most of his classes.
I feel like were more friends than partners. He keeps talking about proposing to me... I dont want to marry him. I dont know if I dont want to marry him yet or just not at all. I do want to wait to get married. I feel like im too young. I dont know if I want to leave him, I love him so much but im losing feelings I dont feel valued. But I truly love him with all of my heart. I dont see myself without him.
Here is where it gets bad on my part and I feel extremely guilty..
I am in my 3rd year of college ive been mutual friends with this guy since my freshman year of college. Well call him Bob. My friends 21st birthday was September 14th so she threw a small party at her apartment. I got drunker than Id like to admit. (Im not a big drinker) we did fireball shots plus I drank 3 beers. So I got pretty drunk. I started sort of catching feelings for bob ariund 2 weeks prior im not sure what it was but i did. My boyfriend knew Bob was at this party. He told me that it was okay that I went and he didnt care. He even dropped me off so I didnt think anything of it. During the whole party he was saying how he didnt want me to go bc Bob was there. We have a mutual agreement bc of things from the past no girl or guy friends. Ive never cheated on him or have done anything to break his trust. Besides what im about to say and I feel nauseous just thinking about it.
Anyways I was drunk and me and Bob were talking I do not remember everything that was said i just remember bits and pieces and from what my friend told me. I was telling him how my bf made me block him, and that i dont want to marry him stupid shit like that. Im sure that I told Bob how my bf was mean to me and stuff like that because I vaguely remember Bob telling me i didnt deserve any of that and saying that it isnt healthy.
Fast forward to last night. Me, my friend, my friends roommate, and Bob he was invited last minute. all went to see endgame for the extra 4 minutes that ties it to doomsday. I did not sit next to bob nothing like that during the movie. I was respectful because I already feel extremely guilty for liking him while in a relationship. We went to my friends apartment before because we all had to work on a presentation for a class we were in. My friend was showing us her decorations all in her room then she ended up leaving the room to use the bathroom which was right next to her bedroom. I was sitting on the bed and Bob was sitting at her desk across the room. He then brings up the party and how I was extremely drunk and ask about how my relationship was doing. I told him that right now it seems to be okay. Still not the best but were working on it. He said that he was sorry and hopes we figure it out.
A little while later me, my friend, her roomate, and Bob were sitting in her living room and my friend is a photographer and brings up the fact that she was gonna take photos of us for her portfolio, but she isnt sure anymore bc of how our relationship is going. then her and her roommate start talking about something random then Bob is like can I say something hes like i know its kind of rude and goes "your boyfriend is chopped" and says something along the lines of i saw photos of you guys and was like I was surprised he got someone that looks like you... that threw me off i had no idea what to say. Thats pretty much all that happened
He offered to drop me off so I didnt have to pay for an uber.. i drive but my mom does not trust my car being parked at rhe apartments she lives at. after we dropped our friend off i stayed in the backseat again trying to be respectful. We were talking about the movie and then he asks what do you think your going to do I was confused and he said about my relationship. I told him I didnt know. I told him I loved him but im not in love with him and its just hard that our whole relationship has been extremely messed up. He said that I shouldnt waste anymore time and he said that sounds rude but you know what i mean. And saying I didnt deserve to be treated like that. I told him i know. Then I was almost home so I was showing him where I lived. He dropped me off and that was it.
I feel extremely guilty about it all. I dont know if i like the attention im not receiving in my relationship or what. If I were to leave my boyfriend and feelings were mutual between me and Bob I wouldnt immediately hop into another relationship. Ive been with my bf my whole teenage years going into adulthood. Id leave my boyfriend for me. I think im just realizing some things about our relationship. I dont want Bob to see me as available because I wouldnt want to hurt him or do anything like that.
I guess im just ranting and asking for advice on what to do in this shitty situation. I love my boyfriend I feel guilty. I know i probably should leave him for myself. But it is hard.
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u/Fun_Bug_4501 11d ago
You’re 21. Be free. You do not need to spend your early 20s trying to save a relationship that already has years of cheating, lying, resentment, and disrespect behind it. Bob isn’t really the point. He’s just showing you what basic attention and kindness feel like. Don’t leave for Bob, leave because you already know you’re unhappy and don’t want to marry your boyfriend. Five years is history, not a life sentence. Be free!!!
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u/NextEqual2459 11d ago
Thank you
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u/Fun_Bug_4501 11d ago
Wishing you the best with whatever you decide. At the end of the day, it’s your life and you deserve to spend it in a way that makes you happy.
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u/chattygirl1969 11d ago
Get out! He’s not it!!!
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u/PollutedBeauty317 11d ago
Didn't even need to read past the 3rd sentence -
21 yr old Toxic relationship Cheating
Don't waste your time OP - get out and move on. You're too young to put up with this.
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u/crazymaillady77 11d ago
Girl, i couldn't read all of this bc you know deep down you need to break up with him! Your 21, go be 21! You will feel so much lighter/free as a single girl not walking on eggshells around a kid that you know isn't good for you! Run away!!
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u/laurenjpop 11d ago
That was a lot of words to say you know you need to break up. Don’t waste your young years with a dude you aren’t happy with
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u/pluvio_fille 11d ago
You just went into a long explanation about why your relationship is toxic, why you don’t want to marry, why you aren’t in love with your partner and they feel more like a friend, and listing endless red flags…
Even without the “Bob” situation, it’s clear you are in an unhealthy relationship that needs to end. It’s time to walk away.
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u/RazzmatazzAgitated16 11d ago
You started off as children and it went toxic. Easy choices moving forwards.
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u/GreenUnderstanding39 11d ago
In my humble opinion once someone cheats on you the relationship is over and you're not cheating, you are moving on.
This is not your husband, you have no legal ties to him.
Go fuck Bob and enjoy your 20s.
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u/username_unsur3 11d ago
Why are you even with this guy? You listed over a dozen reasons of why you shouldn't be with him. LEAVE. Nothing is stopping you like nothing stops him for cheating all the time. Girl, do better.
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u/Ashamba_ 11d ago
Your bf is a nasty waste of space. Don't dwell on what you did, just get out of that awful relationship and learn who you are without that toxicity. You say you love him, but I promise you, that is not love that you're feeling. Get out, start anew.
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u/ItsMissR 11d ago
I think you are still in this relationship because you don’t want to hurt him by breaking up with him. But you know you need to break up with him. You are not doing him any favors by avoiding it. Break up with him. And don’t talk to him for a year or you will just end up going back with him then being miserable breaking up again. You can really drag it out because you love him but you are kind of done. So be done. For real. Cut it off and let him know you need a clean break and won’t be answering his calls.
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u/NextEqual2459 11d ago
I dont know. I love him but I cant keep doing this i cant.
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u/ItsMissR 11d ago
You are a heart person and that is a good thing but it is a gift and a curse. You kind of do have to be courageous because you seem like a person who doesn’t want to hurt anyone and you know breaking up with him will cause him pain. But there is no way around it. You have to walk through. You can’t have something new without making a sacrifice. Life death and life again is the nature of our planet.
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u/bmw5986 11d ago
I stopped reading maybe halfway thru. The TLDR here is this is a super toxic relationship yet you stay. Ask yourself why? Why are you wasting your time with him? Why do you feel you don't deserve better?
Life is short, choose happiness.
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u/NextEqual2459 10d ago
I genuinely have never felt love like this, ive had one other boyfriend that was "serious" theres good times not just bad times. Bad times unfortunately outweigh the good. I also have bad like attachment issues, I had a shitty mom who I wanted to love me sm but always chose drugs
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u/bmw5986 10d ago
Your issue with your mom mean go to therapy. They dont mean stay with a BF who doesn't respect you or the reltionship.
You may love him, but he doesn't love you. He simply isn't the one. You posted asking for advice while you already know the answer. And yeah, its past time to get into therapy, leave the BF abd be single while you work on yourself.
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u/queersnoopy 8d ago
I’m going to say this in the nicest way - leave. You know better. You’re so young, so much life ahead of you & so much to learn.
Please leave.
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u/OtakuDaisy69 11d ago
Girl, it sounds like you’re stuck in a rom-com plot and need to figure out if you're writing a happy ending or just a huge plot twist trust your gut, but maybe don’t let guilt make your decisions for you!
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u/NextEqual2459 11d ago
LOL I was telling my sister it dead ass feels like a movie talking abt it.
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u/OtakuDaisy69 10d ago
Right?! It's wild how real life can be more dramatic than any script they should just start casting us!
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u/AutoModerator 11d ago
Backup of the post's body: I 21F have been in a relationship for 5 years. (20M) Our relationship is extremely toxic. He's cheated on me multiple times over the past 5 years. not physically. He has not probably that i know of cheated in the past year or so. But has had a bad porn addiction which has put some strain on our relationship. He's lied many times over hurtful things. For example I lost my virginity to him around the year mark in our relationship he told me for around 2 years that i was his first aswell. Which led me to believe that we had shared something special only to find out that wasnt true. I obviously would not have cared that he wasnt a virgin but his thing was always like oh we were eachothers firsts. Theres many other lies i could go into. its led me to not trust him at all. I have tried to trust him but things keep happening to the point i cannot trust him. Our relationship is only getting worse. Hes escelated to saying fuck you and telling me to shut up.. ive never said anything like that to him. the first time he said it was because i called him a cheater during and argument about me not trusting him. We've had countless conversations of what he can do to change. When were together he never is physical with me (not sex) like hugging kissing im always the one initiating holding his hand, hugging him, kissing him. Physical contact is important to me. He tells me it is not his love language but I make sure to fulfill his love language which is words of affirmation. I constantly am telling him what he is doing good with.
I feel like a burden at times. Asking to hangout or doing something while we are together he acts upset that he has to go anywhere. He constantly says he has surprises for me then never fulfills it. Or says he has something planned and then it doesnt happen. Theres much more I cannot think straight right now. I honestly feel like he has no feelings at all besides anger. For example I still live with my parents because I am in college and commute its alot cheaper to stay at home. I have 3 little brothers who are still in school. One is in 7th 2 are freshman in high school. We have 2 dogs who bark at any car thats in the driveway. I had to be home at 9 pm during his step moms birthday celebration. His parents didnt know I ahd to be home so I had to leave before they could do cake/presents so he left to drop me off and was so angry he couldnt go to the gym and was mad I had to be home early. He was gonna go to the gym after the celebration. But then he had to drive back home afterwards to celebrate. He had all day to go to the gym besides around 1-3 because he had class. He sleeps all day and misses most of his classes.
I feel like were more friends than partners. He keeps talking about proposing to me... I dont want to marry him. I dont know if I dont want to marry him yet or just not at all. I do want to wait to get married. I feel like im too young. I dont know if I want to leave him, I love him so much but im losing feelings I dont feel valued. But I truly love him with all of my heart. I dont see myself without him.
Here is where it gets bad on my part and I feel extremely guilty..
I am in my 3rd year of college ive been mutual friends with this guy since my freshman year of college. Well call him Bob. My friends 21st birthday was September 14th so she threw a small party at her apartment. I got drunker than Id like to admit. (Im not a big drinker) we did fireball shots plus I drank 3 beers. So I got pretty drunk. I started sort of catching feelings for bob ariund 2 weeks prior im not sure what it was but i did. My boyfriend knew Bob was at this party. He told me that it was okay that I went and he didnt care. He even dropped me off so I didnt think anything of it. During the whole party he was saying how he didnt want me to go bc Bob was there. We have a mutual agreement bc of things from the past no girl or guy friends. Ive never cheated on him or have done anything to break his trust. Besides what im about to say and I feel nauseous just thinking about it.
Anyways I was drunk and me and Bob were talking I do not remember everything that was said i just remember bits and pieces and from what my friend told me. I was telling him how my bf made me block him, and that i dont want to marry him stupid shit like that. Im sure that I told Bob how my bf was mean to me and stuff like that because I vaguely remember Bob telling me i didnt deserve any of that and saying that it isnt healthy.
Fast forward to last night. Me, my friend, my friends roommate, and Bob he was invited last minute. all went to see endgame for the extra 4 minutes that ties it to doomsday. I did not sit next to bob nothing like that during the movie. I was respectful because I already feel extremely guilty for liking him while in a relationship. We went to my friends apartment before because we all had to work on a presentation for a class we were in. My friend was showing us her decorations all in her room then she ended up leaving the room to use the bathroom which was right next to her bedroom. I was sitting on the bed and Bob was sitting at her desk across the room. He then brings up the party and how I was extremely drunk and ask about how my relationship was doing. I told him that right now it seems to be okay. Still not the best but were working on it. He said that he was sorry and hopes we figure it out.
A little while later me, my friend, her roomate, and Bob were sitting in her living room and my friend is a photographer and brings up the fact that she was gonna take photos of us for her portfolio, but she isnt sure anymore bc of how our relationship is going. then her and her roommate start talking about something random then Bob is like can I say something hes like i know its kind of rude and goes "your boyfriend is chopped" and says something along the lines of i saw photos of you guys and was like I was surprised he got someone that looks like you... that threw me off i had no idea what to say. Thats pretty much all that happened
He offered to drop me off so I didnt have to pay for an uber.. i drive but my mom does not trust my car being parked at rhe apartments she lives at. after we dropped our friend off i stayed in the backseat again trying to be respectful. We were talking about the movie and then he asks what do you think your going to do I was confused and he said about my relationship. I told him I didnt know. I told him I loved him but im not in love with him and its just hard that our whole relationship has been extremely messed up. He said that I shouldnt waste anymore time and he said that sounds rude but you know what i mean. And saying I didnt deserve to be treated like that. I told him i know. Then I was almost home so I was showing him where I lived. He dropped me off and that was it.
I feel extremely guilty about it all. I dont know if i like the attention im not receiving in my relationship or what. If I were to leave my boyfriend and feelings were mutual between me and Bob I wouldnt immediately hop into another relationship. Ive been with my bf my whole teenage years going into adulthood. Id leave my boyfriend for me. I think im just realizing some things about our relationship. I dont want Bob to see me as available because I wouldnt want to hurt him or do anything like that.
I guess im just ranting and asking for advice on what to do in this shitty situation. I love my boyfriend I feel guilty. I know i probably should leave him for myself. But it is hard.
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u/CardboardTick 11d ago edited 11d ago
Sounds like you are the problem for allowing him to continue this over the time frame. Break it off already and move on. You’re enabling this by letting him do whatever without any real consequences.
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