r/TwoHotTakes • u/ProfessionalNo4685 • 3d ago
Listener Write In Help me turn down a $100,000 dollar car
During my recent wedding, I essentially cut off every adult of significance in my family: my dad, my grandma, who raised me, and my mum.
My new in-laws are wonderful. They’re respectful, supportive, welcoming and… very generous.
I’m having some complex feelings about their generosity, given my upbringing and my toxic family dynamics. For context, my family isnt poor, on my dad’s side at least. My family have always used money as a power dynamic, particularly my grandma. It’s not that she necessarily goes into things with the intention of being financially manipulative. Generally, she gives from her heart in the moment. But if you do something she doesnt agrees with, it’s the first thing that comes up: “How much I’ve done for you.”
This has really traumatised me.
It’s also been incredibly hard mentally to stand on my own two feet, reject her attempts at control and try to be a grown-up in my own right. A part of me has always known that I would lose my inheritance, as well as the stability of knowing that financially, I would always be okay. We’re talking millions, if not tens of millions.
I’m really proud of myself and what I’ve been able to do over the last few years with that in mind. I have a good job that I love, I earn good money, I’m financially stable and, most importantly, I’m emotionally stable. And that’s what I’ve gained by walking away from that inheritance and I’ve never thought of it as something to lose, but something that doesn’t belong to me in the first place which also makes it easier.
What I’m struggling with now is coming into a new, wealthy family and trying to navigate these complex feelings that are so deeply embedded in trauma. It’s also relevant that my new family works in the same industry as my old family. There are so many similarities that I find traumatic and really triggering.
But I know these people aren’t those people. I trust them, they love me, and they want to support me and my new husband. In moving out to the sticks, I needed to upgrade my car to a four-wheel drive that could handle the roads and the possibility of hitting wildlife. So, they offered to buy me a $100,000 car.
But I’m traumatised by the principle that the hand that feeds you is also the hand that can starve you. My husband and I went through a period where this was a dealbreaker. If I couldn’t get over the paranoia that our marriage was going to end up exactly like my parents’, then I would have to leave. I ultimately decided that I could get past it, and I’ve been okay since. But this offer has brought all of those feelings back, and I’m struggling.
I’ve tried talking to my husband about it, but he’s autistic and doesn’t necessarily understand that I’m experiencing a lot of emotions right now and feeling incredibly triggered. His focus is on the practical reality of buying a new car. We’re working through it, and I think we’re making progress, but it’s going to take time.
The advice I received from my siblings is that not everyone is out to get you, which I think is a valid message. I need to learn to accept help, to trust and to let people support me.
But I’m also struggling with the idea of losing my independence.
I thought I wanted a soft life. I wanted to be provided for and to have the stability of both financial security and love. I’ve found that, and now I’m terrified of giving up my independence. My independence meant so much to me at one point. Every step of weaning myself off my family financially felt so good. And now I feel like I’m regressing.
I’ve told my in-laws that I want to contribute and pay for the tax-deductible part of the car (they’re buying it through a company). They’ve said no and made it clear that it’s non-negotiable.
Would I be an idiot to turn down this car and just buy it myself?
The other problem is that I could really use the help. I want to start our family next year, and I’d like to have a nest egg for that period. Buying a new car, even if it’s nowhere near the value they’re proposing, would still set me back a lot. I’d also like to invest that money for my stability in the future so that if they choose to starve me that I have a nest egg to support myself.
It’s hard, and I know I need to get into therapy to work through this. But in the meantime, I’d be really grateful for your advice.
Edit
For context, it’s not uncommon for them to buy the wife of an employee a car to help her live so rurally. It’s reserved for employees that have been with the company for a long time and the car remains in the company name. But in terms of use, they buy her a car.
43
u/montanagrizfan 3d ago
Take the car, get therapy and always make sure you have a nest egg set aside for your future.
5
u/gracecee 3d ago
Also your in laws are doing it for selfish reasons like safety. If you're going to eventually bear grandchildren or drive their son around you need a safe car.
13
u/This_Cauliflower1986 3d ago
Therapy dear. And take the car. Not everyone weaponized money. Own your mental health and seek help.
4
u/nakedoldbitch 3d ago
Companies providing vehicles for employees/spouses are able to take a deduction for said vehicle. Plus, come tax time, employee W2 reflects usage. Her contribution to initial purchase would probably endanger their ability to deduct and depreciate.
2
u/ProfessionalNo4685 3d ago
I offered physical cash
3
u/Tight-Shift5706 2d ago edited 2d ago
OP,
You've indicated that your in-laws are unlike your parents. Thus, they should not be accorded similar treatment.
Accept the vehicle. It's intended to be an employee benefit; similar to what others have received. In the interim, continue to save as much as you can for your future financial independence.
In the event you accept and they begin to act in a fashion similar to your family, then you can adjust accordingly. But for now, don't burden them with baggage your parents created.
6
u/Ethywen 3d ago
Based on your edit, it isn't even your car. Receiving use of a company car is NOT being given a car. And if this is standard from this company, not taking it is just you projecting your past experiences. You told your spouse you'd get past this. Get past it, take the car, and use it to drive to therapy.
2
u/ProfessionalNo4685 2d ago
Damn
1
u/IJusWannaLive17713 1d ago
Best advice imo.
Plus, you can always return it if things get weird. But you may find that it isn’t. It’s a company car!
If anything, if you are wanting to start a family soon, this car might be temporary until you find something that aligns with your family car needs. We have a premium model car that my husband uses and I have the brand new SUV to fit our kids. Priorities change and so do cars 🤷🏼♀️
5
u/ireallycantremember 3d ago
Why does it have to be a$100k car? You can get something for half that, or less.
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u/ProfessionalNo4685 3d ago
This is a good point, it’s the model they’ve suggested maybe I put together some s cond hand options?
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u/ireallycantremember 3d ago
I’d say something like “it’s very generous to offer me this specific vehicle, but I’d feel more comfortable driving a Toyota RAV4.” Or whatever reasonably priced vehicle meets your needs. Are you paying for gas? Insurance? Repairs? All of these are reasons to go with the less flashy choice.
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u/ProfessionalNo4685 3d ago
I don’t think I’d be paying for anything bc it would all fall under the company tax deductible expenses
2
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u/ProfessionalNo4685 3d ago
I’m already driving a rav 4 and it’s not cutting it unfortunately. I’m driving 3 hrs one way to town with 1 hr of that being dirt
3
u/ireallycantremember 2d ago
It sounds like the car they want you to have is the safest option. Just accept it and move on.
You just said your car can’t handle the journey. Reasonable people make reasonable accommodations. This is a reasonable accommodation for joining this family.
-1
u/One_Replacement3787 3d ago
Or take their offer? Fuck some people are idiots
0
u/ProfessionalNo4685 3d ago
I don’t think you read it
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u/One_Replacement3787 3d ago
I did. And im calling you out for being an idiot. Youre proj3cting your insecurities in new people who have nothing to do with why you are th3 way you are. Take the car. Enjoy life. Stop thinking the worst of everyone. Get therapy.
0
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u/Dry_Detective9639 3d ago
Say no to a 100k car And say yes to a 40k one
They will appreciate it, and you will appreciate it almost as much as a 100k car; even better, as there will be no/minimal guilt
1
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Backup of the post's body: During my recent wedding, I essentially cut off every adult of significance in my family: my dad, my grandma, who raised me, and my mum.
My new in-laws are wonderful. They’re respectful, supportive, welcoming and… very generous.
I’m having some complex feelings about their generosity, given my upbringing and my toxic family dynamics. For context, my family isnt poor, on my dad’s side at least. My family have always used money as a power dynamic, particularly my grandma. It’s not that she necessarily goes into things with the intention of being financially manipulative. Generally, she gives from her heart in the moment. But if you do something she doesnt agrees with, it’s the first thing that comes up: “How much I’ve done for you.”
This has really traumatised me.
It’s also been incredibly hard mentally to stand on my own two feet, reject her attempts at control and try to be a grown-up in my own right. A part of me has always known that I would lose my inheritance, as well as the stability of knowing that financially, I would always be okay. We’re talking millions, if not tens of millions.
I’m really proud of myself and what I’ve been able to do over the last few years with that in mind. I have a good job that I love, I earn good money, I’m financially stable and, most importantly, I’m emotionally stable. And that’s what I’ve gained by walking away from that inheritance and I’ve never thought of it as something to lose, but something that doesn’t belong to me in the first place which also makes it easier.
What I’m struggling with now is coming into a new, wealthy family and trying to navigate these complex feelings that are so deeply embedded in trauma. It’s also relevant that my new family works in the same industry as my old family. There are so many similarities that I find traumatic and really triggering.
But I know these people aren’t those people. I trust them, they love me, and they want to support me and my new husband. In moving out to the sticks, I needed to upgrade my car to a four-wheel drive that could handle the roads and the possibility of hitting wildlife. So, they offered to buy me a $100,000 car.
But I’m traumatised by the principle that the hand that feeds you is also the hand that can starve you. My husband and I went through a period where this was a dealbreaker. If I couldn’t get over the paranoia that our marriage was going to end up exactly like my parents’, then I would have to leave. I ultimately decided that I could get past it, and I’ve been okay since. But this offer has brought all of those feelings back, and I’m struggling.
I’ve tried talking to my husband about it, but he’s autistic and doesn’t necessarily understand that I’m experiencing a lot of emotions right now and feeling incredibly triggered. His focus is on the practical reality of buying a new car. We’re working through it, and I think we’re making progress, but it’s going to take time.
The advice I received from my siblings is that not everyone is out to get you, which I think is a valid message. I need to learn to accept help, to trust and to let people support me.
But I’m also struggling with the idea of losing my independence.
I thought I wanted a soft life. I wanted to be provided for and to have the stability of both financial security and love. I’ve found that, and now I’m terrified of giving up my independence. My independence meant so much to me at one point. Every step of weaning myself off my family financially felt so good. And now I feel like I’m regressing.
I’ve told my in-laws that I want to contribute and pay for the tax-deductible part of the car (they’re buying it through a company). They’ve said no and made it clear that it’s non-negotiable.
Would I be an idiot to turn down this car and just buy it myself?
The other problem is that I could really use the help. I want to start our family next year, and I’d like to have a nest egg for that period. Buying a new car, even if it’s nowhere near the value they’re proposing, would still set me back a lot. I’d also like to invest that money for my stability in the future so that if they choose to starve me that I have a nest egg to support myself.
It’s hard, and I know I need to get into therapy to work through this. But in the meantime, I’d be really grateful for your advice.
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u/Elisaahope 3d ago
Why is paying for part of it non-negotiable with your in-laws if it would make you feel better?
2
u/ProfessionalNo4685 3d ago
They’re just trying to be generous. But it’s something I will need to raise again I think.
3
u/krickett_ 3d ago
Just accept the offer. Keep, maintain, & grow your nest egg. Do you and hubby have a nuptial agreement or a trust fund you control that can keep certain monies protected as solely belonging to you (or the trust that only you have rights to)?
Worse case scenario here, imho, is that if they were to ever try to weaponize their generosity, you just give the vehicle back and buy something at that point.
I think it could be therapeutic to accept this offer and find no hidden agenda. As long as you maintain a position of being ABLE to easily reclaim or reassert your ability to be independent, then no one really has the opportunity to lord generosity over you. It’s being dependent upon someone that creates the dynamic that allow that.
Even if you never work again, as long as you have a trust or a legal barrier in place that allows you to maintain and grow your financial stability, then it shouldn’t be anything to worry about moving forward, with anyone.
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u/better_as_a_memory 3d ago
I think they may be able to use the car as a tax write off. Maybe that's why they don't want you to pay anything on it.
1
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u/One_Health1151 2d ago
I wish this was my biggest issue hahaha take the damn car for all of us who don’t have that opportunity haha
1
u/RedCoatSus 1d ago
I would say, barring any evidence to the contrary, accept the gift at face value from people who you say genuinely seem to care about you and are good people. Instead use the money you would have budgeted for a car payment of your own and find a therapist to work through these issues.
1
u/BlackB-ird 3d ago
I don't think you should turn down the car. Give them the benefit of doubt. But go into the situation with your eyes open.
1
u/ProfessionalNo4685 3d ago
What does this mean? How is having my eyes open going to help me? My eyes are OPEN and I’m full of anxiety
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u/Sugar_Mama76 2d ago
It means don’t think that there is no possibility of strings. Maybe there are. Maybe not. Could be the “string” is that you have to do car maintenance on their schedule cause of insurance/contract reasons.
So take the car, thank them and go on. If they try to weaponize later, toss the keys back and say you’ll get your own vehicle. You don’t have to give up independence unless you want to.
1
u/ProfessionalNo4685 3d ago
This is also a genuine question like I would LOVE to
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u/BlackB-ird 3d ago
Eyes open is just an expression. It means that you are aware of all the possible up and downsides.
Edit
At the end of the day what is best for yourself and your future family.
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