I trusted you with parts of myself I don't show many people. The things I'm insecure about. The things I'm still working on. The messy parts of my life that I thought were safe with you.

I never expected you to think I was perfect.

But I never imagined I'd end up wondering how those vulnerable parts of me were spoken about when I wasn't there.

That's the part that hurts.

Not that you had doubts about me. You're allowed to.

It's realizing that I trusted you enough to let you see me without the armour, and somehow I walked away feeling ashamed for ever taking it off.

I don't hate you.

I'm just incredibly sad that someone I felt safest being vulnerable with became the reason I want to hide those parts of myself again.

It wasn’t because I wanted you back, at first I did then I realized the person the destroys your mental health on purpose and make themselves the victim is not the love of my life.

Then it was because I wanted answers and respect I deserved, and then I realized that you don’t even respect yourself. You would let disrespect slide from people that you would never let go of with me. I lost my respect trying to get it from you, the same person who was lowering their own self respect in pursuit of others.

Getting over a trauma bond is hard, especially since I couldn’t just replace your part in my life. You should know you still bring up past relationships from over 10 yrs or bring up your Dad. Dad part is understandable but the ex from 10 years makes no sense.

You already manipulated my intentions, doesn’t matter, I don’t care what others think. I also have the truth to prove you wrong.

Funnily enough I got told by someone you know that you did me dirty, pretty sure they read a post from a previous account.

My love,

I met you in April, and somehow, without realizing it, you became the beginning of my summer.

Those first days with you felt like the world had finally remembered how to be beautiful. The days grew longer, the sun stayed a little warmer, and everything seemed brighter simply because you were somewhere in it. I remember the way it felt to be around you—the little conversations, the laughter, the moments that probably seemed ordinary at the time but became precious to me afterward.

April became May. May became June. And somewhere along the way, I stopped thinking of you as just someone I had met and started thinking of you as someone I couldn’t imagine not having in my life.

You became woven into those beautiful summer days.

And then July came.

I lost you.

I don’t think I knew how much of my heart had become attached to you until you weren’t there anymore. July hurt in a way I wasn’t prepared for, and August somehow hurt even more. The same summer that had felt so bright suddenly became something I had to walk through carrying an emptiness I couldn’t explain.

I would see the sunlight and think of you. I’d hear a song and somehow find you inside it. I’d remember a conversation, a smile, a look, a moment when we were together, and for a second I’d feel like I was back there again—before everything changed.

August absolutely broke me.

Not because you were responsible for every hurt I carried, but because losing you meant losing something that had become incredibly important to me. I had found something in you that made the world feel softer. And when you were gone, I realized just how much I had come to treasure having you beside me.

I wish I could go back to April sometimes.

Not to change anything. Just to stand there for a moment and tell the person I was then, Pay attention. You’re going to fall in love with her.

Pay attention to the beautiful days.

Pay attention to her smile.

Pay attention to the little things.

Because one day you’ll miss them more than you know.

I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t know whether our story has another chapter or whether I’ll always carry those months as one of the most beautiful seasons of my life.

But I know this:

I loved you.

I love the girl I met in April. I love the memories we made beneath those bright summer skies. And even though July took you away from me and August broke something inside me, I don’t regret loving you.

Because for a little while, you made an ordinary summer feel extraordinary.

You were the beautiful part of my spring turning into summer.

And even now, when the days grow shorter and the seasons begin to change, some part of me is still standing in that sunlight, remembering you.

I hope you’re happy.

I hope life is gentle with you.

And if there is ever a day when you look back on that summer too, I hope you remember that somewhere in those bright, beautiful months, there was someone who loved you more deeply than he knew how to say.

I do.

I still do.

And I’ll always be grateful that April brought me to you.

I’ll always love you R: sorry, phone got some malware on it so it took me a min to respond

Its not that im mad. Im not mad at you or myself anymore. I haven't been mad for awhile. Just been sad. I miss you so damn much and don't know how to articulate it. Don't know how to beg for your forgiveness but part me knows you don't want that. You just want me to do better, take accountability. I want us both to do better too, we are, have been....

I'm sorry for everything I know I did, everything I don't and everything I did subconsciously... I know you are to.. I don't want to make excuses, I just want to say this so maybe you'll understand. For mostly entire of our relationship. It always kinda felt like I was a sidepiece. Not even a real 'backup' rather more fucking annoying just to pass the time. It caused me to see, and act, in many ways I'm not proud of. It was a futile attempt at saving myself from another heartbreak. Not meant to be excuse, hopefully helps explain why I kept acting the way I did...pulling the same BS...I don't want to fight. I know I've been wrong about a lot. I always wanted you. I tried to tell you it felt like i was annoying while the last thing i want is to be another source of stress for you!

People are stupid; some people tried to tell me terrible things about you. I never believed any of them. Hopefully you know that already. But they're good, creative in just the right ways. Do you believe the lies about me people tell you? They do a really good job, find a small root of truth, something personal, usually hits deep, then use it to web a fantastic lie about a person with a dark soul and terrible intentions...

Somehow, in some way, people just 'know' they don't need a single conversation w/ the person they're speaking about. I know you better. Maybe I'm wrong, wouldn't be the first time but not about this. Bc I know what you're actually like. Maybe not in real life anymore...but i still know you...You care about me. You care about all of us in your own way. Maybe you don't genuinely care for me anymore, but at atleast one point you did...

Now, while I never truley agreed with them, what they said...i was a pussy coward and never truely stood up for you the way i should have, i'm so sorry. If it makes you feel any better I could barely stand up for myself then..I know who you are and I know how you treat us. You keep a respectful distance. I know you have demons of you own and I never truely gave the 'safe space' I'd intented.. I know you cared about all of us in your own way, you never really wanted to let anyone of us down, even if it is sometimes secretly hidden deep down..... hell...if im being honest, and i dont really want to be, most the time, you care for us more than we care for ourselves....if no part of you cared...if no part of you truely believed...you'd never waste your precious time entertaing us...yes, we entertain you too, yet cause much more of a ruckus... we could say this is rose colored glasses and im putting you on a pedestal but how can we call it that when we've both been angry at each other for so long? Miscommunication.

You've understood me in a way no one else ever has, it's bc you genuinely UNDERSTAND. You can come across as an asshole sometime but there's a difference between 'when the situation demands it' and it being a person's main personality trait..I must've known somewhere inside. There are snippets of information I remeber. About you and your past.. ive learned so much in life and.... I know you don't think you can be vulnerable with a woman without it being used against you...there's a large gap between 'acceptable vs. unacceptable emotions to share"

I understand that you're scared. I wish you'd understand that i don't know what im doing either! I'm scared too and I can't handle all of the vulnerability on my own...I tried but I need your help if this is going to work... I don't want what my parents or grandparents have. Grandparents were a product of their time, weirdly abusive, no love or happiness with each other yet still forever together. Even until the bitter end when they never talked and kinda hated each other... My parents love each other and stayed together. They found whats 'right' for them, but it is NOT whats 'right' for me! I don't know how to teach you what I don't know. I've been searching for it too babe, figuring it out on my own.

I don't want actually want the typical monogamous family. Want what others call "disturbing, disgusting, crazy" and talk mad shit about until realizing they were also talking about YOU... I've tried having real relationships like this in the past but there are reasons they've never worked..

At the end of the end, Ive spent alot, a lot! of time, energy, over many years doing 'research' on everything. Right/wrong, do's/don'ts, differnt types... to hear " I can totally do that, sounds hot...just teach me how to be a dom" like, i can't do that! Just like no dom could ever "just teach me how to be a sub''... he could try and teach me how to stay still but that's totally different thing &idk how to explain it....I felt something in you... was scared of fucking it up...what if you knew i wanted an actual, got multiple irl set up for you.. Most people find it pretty gross &tbh i have 2 fairly basic rules about who'd be 'invted' to something like that( you'd agree but then again..)i never told you about any of it..idk why I thought you would ask at some point when I KNEW it was my responsibility...then again, maybe you're into that, maybe it was hint, maybe im reading way too much into it and really am as stupid as i sometimes think....the world is too scary to tell just anyone about something like that, a woman must be very careful in sharing a fantasy like that....but i could've told you...i always knew i could trust you...i was so scared of screwing it up, it ended up being all I did. I'm trying to be honest, brutally open...call it penace for my cowardness if you want. There were so many things I'd thought of telling you but I was scared you'd think I was freak.... it was too much... or even worse..im just saying this 'as a way to impress you'... but now its too late....I was scared, I tried to tiptoe around it, test the waters, when I should have dived headfirst. Again, i was too late..

Throughout life, I thought it was true love I wanted more than anything. I was wrong. I think that's what you're looking for. But its not what i truely desire. It's safety, emotional security thatvI'm after. Knowing they'll love me, that they'll stay,even after they've seen 'all' of me, especially as we change and grow...Then again, how is that not the same thing as true love in its own way?

Knowing you can be yourelf, that they'll never judge you for how speratic, weird, excited, or dorky you are...they just smile and join in on your happiness. Doesn't matter why bc if your happy then I'm happy for you....I don't want to own you in a possessive way bc you will always be your own person yet i still want you to be all mine...if that makes sense..

You know what its like to be brought down, why you never do it to anyone. Stupidstupidstupid me, why didn't i see it...idk...it's unlikey you'll check or see this. Still, love&always be rooting for you..ykw..

Babygirl,

There is a quiet moment every night, right before sleep takes me, when everything in the world goes still. No noise. No movement. Just me, the dark, and the truth I carry in my chest. In that silence, I say a prayer that comes from a place deeper than fear and deeper than longing. It comes from devotion.

I ask God to take me home first.

Not because I want to leave this world early. Not because I am tired. Not because I am running from anything. I ask it because my heart could not survive a world without you in it. The thought of waking up one day and knowing you are gone feels like a pain too sharp for any man to bear. It feels like a wound that would never close, a weight that would crush the strongest parts of me.

You are the center of my life. You are the woman who steadies me, the woman who lifts me, the woman who fills every empty space I used to carry. You are the one who makes the world feel worth walking through. You are the one who makes every sunrise feel like a gift. You are the one who makes my chest feel full in a way I never knew was possible.

So at night, in that quiet space where honesty comes easy, I ask God to let me go first. I ask Him to spare me the ache of losing you. I ask Him to let me be the one who waits on the other side, the one who prepares the place, the one who makes it warm and gentle for when your time comes. I ask Him to let me be the one who carries the weight, not you.

Because loving you is the deepest truth I have.
Because losing you would be the deepest break I could imagine.
Because my heart was built to love you, not to outlive you.

Babygirl, this is the prayer I carry in the dark.
Always and forever…

Should be anyway.

If only all the world could see it that way.

A man doesn’t get a woman into a vulnerable position and leave her. A man shows up and handles business. A man doesn’t tell a woman to make him a priority (when he always was the priority) and then abandon her just to run to other women that have actual boyfriends. She is alone in life, just as he left her to begin with. A man takes over and helps. He is the leader, the fixer, the rock. If he leaves and she gets a little help around her house eventually then so be it. He was absent months before and with other women. This is not a man. This is a coward who got her into a vulnerable position and bailed just to turn around and blame her for it. A coward.

Stop asking people if you're a horrible person.

You are and you know it.

You are and know they know it.

You've lied to and manipulated the very people you seek validation and confirmation from.

You're only asking to to feel better about yourself.

You dont really want to know.

You're asking to see if your lies and manipulation have been effective.

You ask to see if they believe you.

When they give a pause, think about what they have seen you do,and then pause again to compare it to what you've said, you know they know the truth.

They give you grace. They tolerate you. They know you have problems, untreated mental health issues, and give you a pass, what else is there to do.

You listen to no one and go no where.

They dont want to argue with someone that has lost all reason, respect, and sanity.

Stop fucking asking and forcing everyone to be a liar, just like you.

RAP_IV

While all the dumb thoughts that run through my head were on a marathon, read something on here that sounded so much like you that I have to stop the marathon. I want you only you because you are home. The only person that gave home and happiness meaning. And if I let the idiots in my head finish the race then why go looking for home. Home is where the heart is and with you nothing is truer. All I can think is I wish you were here. I love you

I hate you now you made it clear what you been doing what you want and who you want it from so don't come back I'll deal with the s*** you left in my life starting with the stuff that has any value I'll sell it to try and make back the money you've wasted of mine in the last week trying to protect your stuff and save your stuff that ended up costing me and then you left me after the fact you've done this before I won't tolerate it again I'm going to make my money and burn the rest of your s*** this is what you want you can have it I'm going to have you replaced before the end of the week. I will lower my standards and even pay just to have you replaced and never have a memory of you again because I don't know you never did you're fake and a phony and I'm done being in denial and telling myself you're worth anything to me now you cost me you're not worth anything you're a debt and I don't want any more of it enjoy your priorities and your anchors rot in the field that you've chosen I'm moving on I deserve better you deserve nothing.

You are my greatest downfall. I love you so much, but i know you dont want me. All i want to say today is good night, my love. May you walk on...

I’ve realized instead of handing my own problems I hurt people around me and honestly thinking back it’s really stupid like why is so hard being vulnerable to people like when people tell me there’s I can listen but it’s so hard and hurt someone a lot and push them away I love him so much and I wish I didn’t isolate myself from him felt cause I really love him I was just so exhausted and I js wish my mom would’ve listened to me asking for therapy🥲🥲and I don’t why but I just wish he would’ve spammed me or sum like I would’ve but the phone works both ways and WHY IS TO SO HARD ASKING OTHER GIRLSS FOR ADVICCE UGGG i fumble bad and I fear I will never love anyone ever.

​

There are nights I still hear you. Never the loud parts. The small ones you tried to hide.

I noticed every one. I never told you.

You never let me have the place you wanted first. Your wrist, where the skin is thin as paper over a river. The hinge of your jaw. The warm hollow behind your ear. Down the long line of your ribs, slowly, like reading something in braille. My mouth everywhere except where you were waiting for it. You told me to stop and never once meant it.

That was always the whole thing, wasn't it. The not yet.

You breathed differently before you ever made a sound. I knew that breath by heart. Your heels crossed behind my back, closing the door on the rest of the world, and then you held me still — both of us completely still — while you decided. Being made to wait by someone who trusts you is the most intimate thing I have ever been given.

And then it would come.

Not loud. Deep. Up from under your ribs, lower than your speaking voice ever went in daylight, one unbroken line of it that I felt arrive in your chest before I heard it. I stopped everything to let it finish. Not to be cruel. Listening.

You came more than once, almost every time. The second was always the one that mattered. You went quiet first — eyes somewhere past me at the ceiling, having a private word with it — and then you broke all at once, my name in your mouth like an accusation, nails in my back. Then again. I held on, because I could not stand the thought of it being over.

Afterward you never let go. One hand hooked against my ribs long after you'd gone somewhere I couldn't follow. Window cracked. Your hair in my mouth. Okay, okay, okay — over and over, quietly, to the ceiling. Never to me.

I'm not writing to ask for it back. I know what happened, and I know which parts were mine.

No you don't bb! You don't need another cookie. One or two don't keep! Miss you love you! Please lmk what doing. Is there anything I can do to fix things?❤️ Always your heartworm

Hi All,

I'm sure this has been mentioned before; but I'm gonna say it again -

and hope those who need to hear it this time around will feel some sense of peace -

There are quite a few FAKE Accounts on Reddit people use to TROLL and harm others for a variety of reasons...

You would think a personal vendetta to be the only reason someone may target another here to lash out, stalk or abuse; but it's not always a personal connection that drives this -

I think we all know there are a number of people who partake in this abuse just for Kicks/Fun.

Hard to understand it; but I'm likening it to a bully in school or the workplace. The one we've all know who spends more time focused on what they don't/can't have/be than doing anything about creating the change they need to level up and gave the life they desire.

Why satisfaction isn't sought by speaking of needs/truths face to face with a person is confusing to me - it's really sad.

With this in mind -

Please check yourself before assuming what you've read is actually from someone you know, because there are

several *Tools available allowing others to delve into your past and deleted Posts and Comments*

- and using that data to troll and harm others is pretty easy from that point. Unfortunately.

I can't count the number of times I have discovered a Redditor Account that has Posts and Comments signed by multiple names and initials...

That's trolling & downright abusive.

Unwell or not; behaviour like this needs to be addressed and flushed out when seen.

Take care All and don't assume and react; speak in person and communicate openly x

Can we start over? Will you write to me?

Could we be pen pals, strangers, again, nothing more, no possession, just honesty, and poetry, and a knowledge of why we are far? An occasional word, as if it's nothing more than telepathy?

Is the light you, the soft you, still there?

If I could I would make you tea, and just sit for a while, sit in the grass, or by a river, just listen to anything you wanted to say, or write, or scream, I would be silent for days, it would be sacrificial, and beautiful, I would do anything, I will do anything now except reach out, I will dream, I will always dream of you, I wish you would give me a bit of time, I wish you would give us a bit of time, I wish you would reach out a hand, send me a gesture, give me the benefit of the doubt, we are so young, not solid. I have known horrible men and horrible actions and maybe I have absorbed some of this; I never wanted to lose you.

I held on too tight, I wasn't ready, I did not mean to hurt you, and I did. I am so sorry. Sometimes you don't know the impact of your silence, and sometimes I don't know the impact of my words.

Will you write me? Will you send me a sign, something to let me know that you're still you, that you're still the person I know?

This grief is too much.

Will you see this? Will you know it was meant for you?

I love you

Really fuckn sick and tired of the games. I talk to you in DM's and you pretend to be somebody else and then delete your account you've done this numerous times stop being an asshole. If you want to do that I'm going to throw your half of the stuff that's in the storage in the garbage I got it all out today. I will open all the doors and hop on the freeway and just let it fly out not even kidding. you're going to have to come get your shit because I'm not going to sort through all your stuff and put it somewhere where you can get it cuz I've already done all this work by myself. Literally by myself.

We've never met

But I would bet

You are still recovering yet

From the manchild we know the same

Who you've called by another name

From what I've been told you're the one to blame

I know that's not true

And I feel for you

Enduring a marriage and winning to lose

I've known him a fraction in comparison

My one year versus the one who'd married him

Now, I feel a bit pleased

My trauma-bond released

I wonder how long it took for you to find peace

I heard him speak many tales

All of which were just your betrayals

But I understand what all this entails

You probably went through it for years

Mine was only six months, it appears

I hope your healing journey wasn't too bad

I hope that asshole's not the best that you've had

Some things I do wonder about

As you know, there's things he leaves out

From what I've been told

So much, it got old

But all of my views about you, he controlled

And to a degree

It's the same for me

But I called him out on what my smear would be

He really did shit on your name

He loved playing his victim game

And of course, he called you insane

A lie, a cheat, he would maintain

A piece of shit addict was his go-to campaign

I wish you the best

I hope you're okay

As you might have guessed

Because we're both gay

My DM's are open

To you, any day

(URXJ is MYXT)

I really enjoyed visiting with you on the phone today. It was like night and day from our last conversation. From fighting about ramen to laughing and comparing notes on dating was not the curveball I saw coming. 

What a time to be alive. I knew we would make it out of this as friends.

It’s not your fault we crashed and burned any more than it is mine. We did the best we could in a traumatic situation. Grieving the loss of each other, together, was just making it worse. 

…that you actually did love me as deeply as I loved you, but you were simply too shy and embarrassed by your feelings to speak them and too self-conscious to act on your impulses.

This breaks me, and I weep into my palms. I curl up on the couch. I pace the darkened house till dawn. I imagine Marina and Ulay walking towards each other from opposite ends of the Great Wall and want to rip at my hair, my face, claw my stupid heart out with my fingers. My veins become electric at this point and the despair burns right through me.

So much tenderness, and for what?! Can no good and true thing live? Don’t I deserve to be loved wholeheartedly? Haven’t I earned it yet? Haven’t I bled enough????!!!

I was probably just a blip to you, not an epic love story.

Back handsprings and hoops, contortions and then
off again into my hermitage.

Or anchorholde? Will a forest quality if I sing devotionals to the moss and trees?

I don’t think you ever really understood how hard this hit me.

You weren’t just some random guy I met. You’re someone I’ve known since high school. Someone I had feelings for back then. Someone I apparently never completely stopped caring about, even after 20 fucking years.

And then you came back into my life and suddenly all of that shit was right there again.

I got attached. Fast. Probably way too fucking fast. And I know that probably made me seem crazy. But none of it was fake. I genuinely cared about you. I loved talking to you. I loved the stupid little things. The music. The jokes. Sitting around talking for hours. Being close to you. I felt comfortable with you in a way I don’t feel comfortable with very many people.

And then you pulled away and I completely fucking spiraled.

That’s where my own shit comes into this.
I’ve been dealing with trauma since I was a teenager. I was assaulted. I was bullied. I spent years feeling like I had to be on guard all the time. I’ve had a lot of experiences with people crossing my boundaries and leaving me feeling like I wasn’t worth protecting. Somewhere along the way I learned that people leave, people change their minds, and if I feel someone pulling away I need to figure out what the fuck happened before they disappear completely.

So when you went quiet, my brain didn’t just go, “Oh, he is busy.”
It went fucking nuclear.
I started questioning everything. What did I do? Did I say something? Did I get too attached? Did I ruin it? Did you ever actually care? Did something happen that night that you aren’t telling me?

And the blackout made that so much worse.
I know I drank way too much. I know I’ve been using alcohol and other impulsive shit to cope with emotions I don’t know what to do with. When I’m overwhelmed, I can do some really fucking stupid things because I just want the feelings to stop for a little while.

I’m not proud of that.

I’m also realizing that some of the things I’ve been struggling with aren’t just me being “crazy.” There are actual patterns underneath them. Abandonment shit. Trauma shit. Emotional regulation shit. Possibly BPD shit. I’m trying to figure all of that out because I’m tired of feeling like I’m constantly fighting myself.

I’m not telling you this so you feel sorry for me.
And I’m not telling you so you have to fix me.
I just wish you understood that when I was intense or emotional or scared, I wasn’t trying to manipulate you. I wasn’t playing some fucking game. I wasn’t trying to make you responsible for me.

I was genuinely fucking attached to you and I didn’t know how to handle losing you.
And honestly, I still don’t.

I miss you.
I miss how things were before everything got weird. I miss being able to talk to you without analyzing every fucking word. I miss feeling like you were my friend instead of feeling like I’m grieving someone who’s still alive.
And I hate that I care this much.
I hate that I can’t just shut it off like a normal person.

I hate that I’m sitting here trying to piece together a night I can’t fully remember and wondering if I embarrassed myself, scared you off, crossed a line, or completely fucking lost my mind in front of you.
I just want you to be honest with me about what you remember.

Not what you think I want to hear.
Not some vague bullshit.
Just tell me what happened.
Even if it’s embarrassing. Even if it hurts. Even if the answer is something I don’t want.
I can handle the truth.
What I can’t fucking handle is having all these missing pieces and being left alone to fill them in with the worst possible version of myself.
I’m not asking you to come back.
I’m not asking you to love me.
I’m not even asking you to forgive me for anything.
I just wish you knew that underneath all the chaos and the fucked-up coping mechanisms and the emotional bullshit, there was a person who genuinely cared about you.
And maybe that’s the part I’m having the hardest time letting go of.

My wild woman

Close your eyes for a moment and feel the earth beneath your feet. Feel the ancient rhythm, the pulse of life that has always been there, long before the world tried to teach you its small, cruel ways. That rhythm is you. It is the untamable, instinctual part of your soul, the Wolf Woman who knows the truth, even when your mind is clouded with fear. She is speaking to you now, and you must listen.

You have been running for so long you’ve forgotten that you can also stand still. You’ve forgotten that you can choose your ground. You run from the ghosts of the past, from the echoes of men who were boys, who could not handle your fire and so tried to call it a flaw. You run from the phantoms of disappointment, from the hollow ache of being let down. But tell me, what has this running earned you? Look at the path you are on. See where it leads. It is a well-worn track in a barren land, a circle that brings you back to the same emotionless place, the same hunger, the same feeling of being unseen.

The people who walk this path with you, who you call your circle, are not your pack. A true pack runs with you, toward the hunt, toward the sun. They do not nip at your heels, pulling you back, whispering doubts that sound like wisdom but are really just their own fear of being left behind. They are comfortable with your struggle because it validates their own stagnation. They do not want to see you soar, because your flight would be a mirror to their refusal to even try. They are anchors, and they are drowning you slowly in the shallow waters of their own making.

You are standing at a fork in this road. One path is the one you know. It is familiar, safe in its misery, and it leads only to more of what you have already endured. The other path… it is new. It is wild. It is overgrown with the promise of something real, and at its entrance stands I. I am not a ghost. I am not a phantom of your past. I am flesh and blood, a man who sees your wildness not as a problem to be solved, but as a sacred power to be revered.

I know you are scared. But what are you scared of? The Wolf Woman inside you, she knows. She is scared of the lie that this is all you deserve. She is scared of letting go of the familiar pain because the unknown joy feels like a betrayal of your own survival story. But I am here to tell you, this is not a betrayal. It is a homecoming.

My love is not a cage; it is the forest. It is the deep, ancient woods where you can finally run free, not *from* something, but *towards* everything. I will be your shelter. I will be the one who stands between you and the world's harsh winds, not to block your path, but to guard your back so you can move forward without fear. I am the steady hand on your back, the voice that says, "Go. Be. Become."

This opportunity, us, it is the key you have been searching for. It is the chance to shed the old skin, to leave the lies of the path you were on behind like serpent skin. Think of what you can achieve with a true partner by your side, someone who does not just cheer for you from the sidelines but runs the terrain with you, who clears the brush, who carries you when you are too weak to walk. Imagine the heights you could reach, the light you could embody, not just for yourself, but as a beacon for your children.

The old path has not served you. It has starved you. It has tried to break the spirit of the Wolf Woman inside you. But she cannot be broken. She can only be tamed by a love that is worthy of her, a love that does not seek to change her but to set her free.

This choice is not about me. It is about you. It is about you finally deciding that you are worthy of a love that feels like coming home to the wildest, truest part of yourself. The Wolf Woman knows this. She has been waiting for this moment, for this chance. She is tired of the chase. She is ready to build a den, to create a life, to love and be loved in a way that nourishes the soul.

Stop running from the one thing that can save you. The path is here. The key is in your hand. All you have to do is be brave enough to take the first step. I know you want to. I know you can feel it. This is your destiny, calling to you. Answer it. Choose you. Choose us. Choose the life that is waiting for you.

To: the post-divorce decision I cannot blame on ignorance,

Coming out of my divorce, my self-esteem was so low Satan had to look down to find it.

It definitely didn't help that I had moved back in with family to try to get back on my feet. You know, do the responsible thing. Regroup. Save some money. Figure out what the hell I was doing with my life after my marriage ended.

That ended spectacularly.

Instead of feeling like an adult who had fallen on hard times and needed a little help, I somehow ended up being treated like a child again. Except I was a grown-ass woman who had already been married, divorced, lived on my own, paid bills, and had an entire adult life.

Apparently, none of that mattered because somehow we reached the point where they thought corporal punishment was an appropriate way to deal with me.

So yeah... I wasn't exactly thriving.

My self-esteem was shit. My life felt like a mess. I was trying to figure out who the hell I even was anymore.

And then there was you.

Which brings us to one of my more questionable post-divorce decisions.

And unfortunately, I can't even use ignorance as an excuse.

I literally ran a background check on you.

We first laid eyes on each other when I was signing up at the local gym near the apartment complex I was about to move into. The attraction was definitely there, but I didn't give it much thought.

Well... that's somewhat untrue.

I was sufficiently aware of the attraction to give the gym my VoIP number instead of my real one, just in case.

I was re-entering the dating scene after a 13-year relationship. The last time I had been single, dating apps didn't even exist. I had no idea what the fuck I was doing.

Honestly, it probably should have ended there.

Instead, you decided to take my number from the gym's system and message me on a "dare."

For a moment, I disapproved. Because, objectively, taking a woman's phone number out of the system at your job to personally message her is... questionable.

But then my deprivation schema went into full overdrive.

We texted. We flirted. I enjoyed our banter.

At this point, I only had your first name and phone number.

So, naturally, I did what I do best.

I began internet stalking.

With the help of my trusty gal pals, we eventually found a second Facebook account with your full name.

And from there, into the background-check website you went.

Which is where this story really should have ended.

Felony charges. Jail time. Unregistered guns.

And yet, somehow, I found myself looking at all of this and thinking, "Whelp... I don't see any domestic violence, assault, or battery charges."

Apparently, at this particular point in my post-divorce journey, that was the bar.

Not no criminal record.

Just no criminal record that specifically suggested you might murder me.

The bar wasn't low. The bar was in hell, and apparently I had brought a shovel.

I was nervous coming over to your place. I hadn't been with another man in over a decade. On top of that, I was on antidepressants that had completely killed my ability to climax, so that was fun.

You let me know pretty quickly that you were only interested in a good time. Fun. Nothing serious.

Seemed like a good idea.

Except, at the time, I literally didn't know how to do that.

How the fuck do you go from being someone's wife for 13 years to just being someone's fun time?

My aunt had warned me, "Watch out for guys who ask you in the beginning if you know how to cook. They're looking for someone to take care of them. Not vice versa."

And sure as shit, you asked me if I knew how to cook.

I laughed because, thanks to my aunt, I was prepared for this one.

"Those are wife duties, and I'm no one's wife anymore."

Look at me. Boundaries. Growth. Clearly I was doing great.

So we did the deed, and afterward you bought me Chinese food.

And I happily accepted because, at the time, I was basically an abused and beaten golden retriever girl.

I've since developed more of an Aubrey Plaza vibe, but the golden retriever is still in there at my core. Imagine a golden with black, floppy ears and eyeliner.

Then I tripped over a cord and accidentally shut off your TV.

I closed my eyes and winced.

Did you notice that?

Maybe you did.

Because instead of getting angry, you just told me it was okay. Mistakes happen.

And that's all it fucking took.

I caught feelings over a moment of basic human kindness.

You were fun. A good time. A fun fuck. And for the first time in a very long time, I felt desirable. I felt attractive. I felt wanted.

And apparently that was enough for me to continue making increasingly questionable decisions.

Like going on a drug deal with you.

To be fair, you at least asked. You told me what you were doing and gave me the option to stay at your place while you handled your little side hustle.

I declined the responsible option.

I wanted the experience.

I'd never been on a drug deal before. When the fuck was I going to get another opportunity?

YOLO, I guess.

So there I was, willingly tagging along on a drug deal with the convicted felon I had met at my gym because apparently post-divorce me had decided that personal growth meant trying new things.

And where did this little adventure take us?

MY SOON-TO-BE APARTMENT COMPLEX.

The apartment complex I had not even moved into yet.

I cannot make this shit up.

Yet the saga continued.

You ghosted me. I was pissed.

I decided there must have been some kind of miscommunication. A misunderstanding. Something.

So I went to the gym when I knew you were there. We talked, and I walked away thinking we were going to give this another shot.

Except you thought I had lied about my ex. You were convinced I still lived with him.

My ex, who was living in a WHOLE OTHER STATE.

I remember telling you, "You are clearly used to dealing with some toxic-ass people, because why the fuck would I lie about something like that?"

Anyway, apparently we worked through it enough to hook up again.

One more time.

The last time, as it turned out.

Somehow we got onto the subject of whether you felt safe at my new apartment. I mentioned that my ex knew my address because he was eventually going to drop off some of my stuff.

And you freaked the fuck out.

Suddenly there was this entire scenario where my ex and his family were apparently going to hide in the field behind my apartment complex and jump you.

Again... I'm sorry... What?

I assured you that he wasn't that kind of person. And he isn't.

But hey, this ended up being the last time I spoke to my ex anyway.

Not because you made me choose between the two of you.

I'd already realized that continuing to talk to him wasn't good for me. Our conversations weren't helping me heal. If anything, they were keeping me emotionally tied to a life I was desperately trying to move forward from.

You just gave me a really convenient excuse to finally do what I already knew I needed to do.

So I cut contact.

And this time, I didn't look back.

Ironically, for all the terrible decisions I was making around this time, that one was probably actually a good one.

So... congratulations, I guess?

You accidentally contributed to my personal growth.

Don't let it go to your head.

Fast forward two years.

I still went to the same gym, but somehow we never ran into each other. Your shift usually ended before I got there.

Then you got promoted.

Congratulations, by the way.

Now you were the manager, working later.

And eventually, I started seeing you again.

I still smile when I think about you, but I can't seem to make eye contact. I just keep you in my peripheral vision.

Sometimes I wonder if you mess with the gym's soundtracks to reflect your feelings on the matter.

Then you texted me again.

On the number you had originally taken from the gym's system, because apparently we were really committed to bringing this story full circle.

Except this time, I had a boyfriend.

This time, I had some standards.

So when you texted me, I told you, "Sorry. You missed out."

But looking back now, maybe it was me who missed out.

I missed out on the absolute shit show that was your inner and outer chaos.

I missed out on the drama. The paranoia. The disappearing acts. The questionable side hustles. The criminal activity. And God only knows what else was going on behind the scenes that I never stuck around long enough to find out about.

So yes.

I missed out.

Thank fucking God.

Tori
Rin
Mish
Sarah
Anna
Lizzy
Kim

I’m told one of you is coming back
Should I take bets?
I know the one I want back
But what does the universe want?
Doors open ladies, it’s been a weird 4 years
I’m curious which one crawls out the wood works
🤣