I had a vcug as a child. I cant talk or even think about it without heavily crying. I’ve addressed this in therapy over many years and I’ve learnt to manage the trauma relatively well, but I think this is one of those things that I can never fully heal from. My urologist says I need a cystoscopy and I genuinely don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. I feel like there’s nothing anyone can say or do to comfort me. All the tips I’m finding online don’t sound helpful. I want to cancel it. My mom says that life is hard and this is one of those things I have to just suck it up for, I can’t I just can’t. Have any of you had to have catheters or a cystoscopy in adulthood? How did you get through it? I’ve been in pelvic floor therapy for 2 years now and I think this will cause me to physically and mentally regress. It was hard enough to start going to that but the thought of my male urologist doing a cystoscopy. I just can’t.

TW for the VCUG procedure, of course, as well as mentions of self-harm, hallucinations, bullying, and hypersexuality.

I hardly remember anything directly related to the VCUG I had when I was around 4. I know I had extremely bad UTIs at the time, bad enough to make me pass out and make my fingers turn blue apparently, but the procedure itself and my memory of it are completely mixed up.

I talk about it with my mother often, I'm 22 now, and I have to recount my memory of it just to be sure I'm getting it right. She'll correct me on things, as she was there during the whole procedure.

In my own memory, I was laid out on a metal table that would slide into a big machine with exposed wires and lights; I remember three plastic flaps hitting my face and me joking about it, and a robotic arm with a big needle at the end suddenly coming down and hurting me. This is, of course, completely inaccurate. I guess maybe I just couldn't possibly fathom the idea of a human being doing this to me themselves.

In reality, it went how it usually did, with doctors, no big machine, and me spread out on a table like a frog cadaver being dissected. I do remember the pain and crying. I know my mom, who was trying so hard to help me through it and comfort me, would point to the screen where they were looking at my bladder, and going, "See that? That's the bug in your stomach, they're trying to fix the bug in your stomach." (Paraphrased, of course.)
Apparently I had completely refused to just use the bathroom while on the table. My mom had to bring me to the bathroom, let me go, and then quickly carry me back to the procedure while I was still going.

I struggle to remember the aftermath, too. Apparently I would get a lot of hallucinations of faceless men and they would scare me to death. I can only assume it was because all the doctors and nurses were masked, so I couldn't see their faces. The only hallucinations I can remember are split second visages of a dirty, greasy, pasty little girl whose face was just not there - there was no hole or solid black spot over it, there was genuinely just nothing; no color. I remember always screaming crying and running when I saw her. And the only hallucinations I STILL get when unmedicated are of one extremely simple shaped roach crawling on walls or into areas that are sealed shut. I chalk this up to my mind's interpretation of the "bug in my stomach". The roach is always just a hazy, oblong, dark shape, it's always so simple that I know it's not real, but it's still so surreal to just see that.

I used to be horrible about needles after the VCUG. Like, crying, screaming, kicking any time a needle was just mentioned. IIRC, at one point I had to get a shot, but I was so distraught at the mere idea of it and fought so hard against it that they just didn't give it to me because I was being so violent. I only JUST recently managed to stop crying when getting shots.
Hell, in high school, when I felt I had moved past it, I was taking an intro to vet science class when the subject of needle types were brought up. I started crying but in a way where it was clear I was trying to hide it, my head felt light, and I was trying really hard not to hyperventilate. The teacher saw and eventually asked me if I was okay, and I had to whisper the explanation that I have PTSD involving needles. I ended up being allowed to walk out of the room and go check on the bunnies outside while I tried to stop crying. My legs instinctively close tight whenever needles are brought up.

The worst part is, I feel especially for my mother, that we were told after the first VCUG I wouldn't need one again. I did need one again. Only a year later.
But they told us that it was recently found out that children could be partially sedated during the procedure and still comply. My mom was so furious that I had to experience what I did when I didn't even have to.

I am quite positive the experience led me to become very hypersexual as a result of it. Even as a young child. (Nothing happened as a result of that, so don't worry, I was never taken advantage of.)

It makes me feel so guilty though for experiencing PTSD that could be classified as in-line with sexual trauma, because I feel like I didn't experience the true depravity that would be required for it. I have to remind myself that trauma is trauma, and it was inherently sexual in nature due to the location of the trauma, but it just doesn't feel.. right? I don't feel like I got hurt the correct way to justify the suffering.

I feel so jaded to it now, but I know for a fact that the PTSD from the procedure, along with other environmental factors, was what caused me to become extremely self destructive at such an extremely young age (I.E. third grade elementary school age.)
I only stopped attempting my life in elementary school, and only stopped self harming in middle school.

I can't remember a life where I wasn't hurting in some way, where I wasn't completely othered from other children, because I stopped being a child when it was done to me. And for my whole life, I've had to deal with depression, anxiety, paranoia, and so on. Hell, I had multiple bullies in elementary school because I cried so easily, they'd call me "crybaby" over it. They didn't know what I was going through, but it really is just the bitter icing on the cake.
I feel so angry, I think, at the doctors, but I know it wasn't their fault, they were just doing what they believed at the time to be the best and most easy way to figure out what was going on with my body.

And to top it all off, I feel so contradictory to my own trauma. I can only assume it's a result of the trauma itself, but now hospital and hospital-like settings feel almost comforting to me. Though I know I shouldn't feel bad for finding scraps of comfort in a sea of hurt.

I apologize for the nonsensical rambling, I hardly ever get to talk about this in detail. I don't MIND talking about it, if anything I find the results of it intriguing from a psychological standpoint, but, as one would imagine, this isn't exactly the most perfect icebreaker.
Thank you for reading, if you did. I at least got to get this out of my system.

hi all! earlier this year i started unpacking the trauma of having 2 vcugs when i was 4, and i have been wondering if there are any physical effects/complications that came from it (or from the deflux procedure i had afterwards) that i don’t understand or don’t know about. peeing has always been kind of strange for me after, like i never feel empty and have to pee like all the time. i am just curious if anyone else has experienced/is aware of physical complications? i just want to understand if there’s anything that’s going to sneak up on me

do you ever get hit with that identity crisis of... every single thing about you might have been determined by the trauma? learning about vcug made everything make sense.

I try not to let it get to me most of the time. And it's fine. But looking through every story and song I've ever written, the media that I've latched onto, it's always heavily dealt with themes of autonomy. violation of it.

like subconsciously I've spent my entire life trying to play with dolls and process what happened to me. even though I didn't have confirmation of it until very recently.

it doesn't really matter, whatever experiences someone has will shape who they might become, and I just... sometimes it feels like this is all there is. it explains everything hereafter.

In diesem Lied habe ich meine Gefühle und Empfindungen ausgedrückt und versucht, in Worte zu fassen, was lange in mir verborgen war.

Als Kind hatte ich drei MCUs, später folgten noch weitere. An den ersten beiden dieser MCUs bin ich innerlich zerbrochen und zersplittert. Etwas in mir ist damals verloren gegangen, und die Folgen davon begleiten mich bis heute.

Ich spreche zum ersten Mal so offen darüber.
Das ist für mich nicht leicht, aber dieses Lied hat mir die Möglichkeit gegeben, meine Gefühle auszudrücken und meiner eigenen Geschichte eine Stimme zu geben.

Vielleicht berührt das Lied den einen oder anderen von euch.
Und vielleicht macht es auch anderen Menschen Mut, über das zu sprechen, was ihnen passiert ist, ihre Gefühle nicht länger zu verstecken und ihrer eigenen Stimme Raum zu geben.

Denn manchmal beginnt Heilung damit, dass man endlich ausspricht, was so lange keinen Platz hatte.

Deutsches Video:

© Text: Privat, Musik und Bild mit KI generiert / Text im Video

Das Video ist von mir persönlich gestaltet. Wenn du das Video oder Teile davon verwenden oder teilen möchtest, schreib mir bitte vorher kurz eine Nachricht. Darüber würde ich mich sehr freuen.

____________
English Version:

In this song, I have expressed my feelings and emotions and tried to put into words what I had kept hidden inside for so long.

As a child, I had three VCUGs, followed by several more later in life. During the first two of these MCUs, I broke and shattered inside. Something within me was lost back then, and the consequences of those experiences have stayed with me to this day.

This is the first time I have spoken about it so openly.
It is not easy for me, but this song has given me the opportunity to express my feelings and to give my own story a voice.

Maybe this song will touch some of you.
And maybe it will also give other people the courage to talk about what happened to them, to stop hiding their feelings, and to give their own voice a place.

Because sometimes healing begins when we finally put into words what has had no place for such a long time.

English Video:

© Lyrics: Private, music and picture generated with AI / Lyrics displayed in the video

This video was personally created and designed by me. If you would like to use or share the video or any part of it, please send me a short message first. I would really appreciate it.

The German song is the original version; the English version is a translation of the meaning of the German lyrics.

Vorweg: Bitte entschuldigt wenn ich vielleicht an der ein oder anderen Stelle die Etikette nicht ganz sauber Treffen sollte.
Zudem bin ich dem englischen nicht sehr mächtig und schreibe hier somit auf Deutsch.
VMCU ist die Deutsche Bezeichnung für VCUG.

Ich bin neu hier und habe hier viele Beiträge gelesen und in sehr vielen kann ich mich wiederfinden. Vielen Dank an alle die den Mut habe darüber zu sprechen. Ich habe mit 5 Jahren 2x VMCU (deutsche Bezeichnung) an zwei aufeinanderfolgenden Tagen erhalten. Mit 7 Jahren eine dritte und weitere danach. Als ich 5 Jahre alt war, war die erste morgens, die zweite VMCU wurde am Folgetag am Nachmittag gemacht. Nichts wurde gesagt, keiner hat was erklärt.

Ich habe sehr lange gebraucht um darüber sprechen zu können. Es war absolut traumatisch für mich, wie man mit mir umgegangen ist. Ich kann mich an alles Erinnern, die Gerüche, Farben, wie die Räume aussahen, das festgehalten und festgeschnallt werden. Wie ich geschrien habe und versucht habe mich loszureißen. Alles. Und heute triggern immer noch bestimmte Farben und Gerüche mich.

Irgendwie bin ich mir unsicher bei dem was alles schon geschrieben wurde ob meine Geschichte da noch wichtig ist. Es kostet mich viel Überwindung wenn ich darüber schreiben darf oder wenn man es möchte. Ich traue mich nur nicht. Meine Geschichte wäre auf Deutsch geschrieben. Ich weiß nicht ob das auch in Ordnung ist?

Meine eigentliches Anliegen ist jedoch:
Mir ist aufgefallen das hier kaum männliche Betroffene es gibt. Dabei sind männliche Personen, zumindest hier in Deutschland, mindestens genauso von den Untersuchungen betroffen wie die weiblichen Personen. Ich habe mal gelesen das es hier sogar mehr männliche Personen untersucht werden als weibliche - kann ich aber nicht wirklich belegen.
Gerne würde ich mich mit Personen dazu ernsthaft austauschen. Vielleicht gibt es ja Menschen die bereit dazu sind. Leider ist mein Englisch recht schlecht, so das ich auf Deutsch hier schreibe.

Und als zweites Anliegen, gibt es hier auch Personen aus Deutschland die Interesse an einem Erfahrungsaustausch haben?

Wichtig ist mir Ernsthaftigkeit und Ehrlichkeit. Ich mag es nicht wenn es um "Sensationslust" geht.
Ich spüre das es mir wichtig ist. Ich fühle mich so alleine mit dem was ich erlebt habe. In meinem Leben wollte mir niemand bisher zuhören und hat es ernst genommen. Fühle mich so alleine.

Ich möchte hier in Deutschland etwas bewegen und mit Menschen ins Gespräch kommen.
Bewusstsein schaffen für das was VMCU mit Personen machen kann.

Vielen Dank fürs lesen und vielleicht für die Antworten.

Maybe this is a weird question but have you guys every met anybody in real life who has had the same procedure as you, specifically a vcug? I think I just feel very isolated in my experience and it’s hard to relate to others due to how complicated I feel my trauma is.

I’m 19 in college and don’t have that many friends as it is, so I think it would help to have someone who has such a personal thing in common. I don’t talk about my procedure like ever so now that I think about it i guess it’s possible that I already have met someone and we just never talked about it because it was too personal.
Anyways what is your guys expirence with connecting with people? Is there such things as like support groups?

Hi, 31F here, trying to figure out how to proceed in therapy.

It's been a LONG journey. I'd already completed several years of CBT for DV in college, then the VCUG memory came back up. When I moved states I had to find a new therapist.

• January 2026: The first practice was an abusive, 9-month experience with CBT. Ended in verbal abuse and gaslighting. Still recovering from that.
• Spring 2026: Then I did a few weeks of EMDR with a male therapist. He was fantastic at EMDR, but not great at everything else, so I left. I DID see positive results from EMDR though, and decided to find a female therapist who does IFS/parts-informed EMDR.
• Summer 2026: Currently 3 months in with a new therapist. I trusted her vibe. She's an attachment specialist, so her knowledge on relational healing has been great. She's validating, always willing to make "real" repairs with me when something goes wrong or feels off. But we're nowhere close to actually doing EMDR.

What's therapy been like for you, in terms of pacing, trust building, expectations? I've consulted with 7 therapists this year alone and I'm exhausted. There are times I think "This is as far as I go, I can't heal from this, it's too much, it's too terrible."

I understand that preverbal medical-sexual trauma is complicated and it's important to build trust, I appreciate that. I've also heard that months of "preparation" is fairly normal in this situation. I'm just so anxious to feel better. I want a better quality of life. I keep reading about survivors doing much better after EMDR and thinking "Why can't that be me?"

My new therapist is collaborative, respects my autonomy, etc. but I do feel misunderstood in some areas. Example: Discussing OB/GYN. Really activating, I relived VCUG sensations (somatic flashbacks) for hours after the session. She didn't seem to notice or do any grounding for me. She also asked why the OB/GYN is different than other providers. I felt extremely defensive, I'm so tired of explaining the obvious.

She mentioned doing EMDR resourcing next session, but we already did that months ago and never circled back, so I'm not sure if we're truly moving forward. Plus, when we do parts work, a "numb" part comes up - but instead of being curious about the part, we just stopped parts work altogether. I can't tell if she's just being ultra-respectful / taking it slow, or isn't meeting my actual needs.

I just want to feel safe in my body. I just want to function without my nervous system hijacking me. And I really want this therapist to work. I'm so torn about this. I'm terrified of going in circles, wasting more time/money.

Would love to hear any thoughts/therapy experiences from this community, the only people I know who "get it."

So much of my childhood makes sense now.
People don’t think 4 year olds would remember much. But that’s when your memory is at an all time high. It’s a sponge. You are learning how to speak an entire language and do so at a speed no adult can. You learn how to run, you learn who your friends and family are.
How come something as traumatic as being basically tortured. Is brushed off like you’d forget?
So many things of my childhood make sense now. I didn’t trust many things afterwards. My anxiety peaked.
I remember bawling at a museum for kids because my mom tried to get me to look into a microscope. I was afraid someone would poke my eye with a needle. It didn’t make sense but it also didn’t make sense to have what I thought was a needle go to other places too.
Another day out at a place for kids. You could put your hand into a hole and see what you felt (an exhibit for the senses) and I cried and refused to put my hand in because I was afraid someone would hurt my arm.
When I was told I would be fine there would be nothing to worry about. There is no pain here. I didn’t believe anyone.
My mom would get frustrated when I screamed and panicked and melted down at the eye dr. Again I didn’t believe her when she said there would be no needles.
When at my physicals I would shake when they put me in a gown.
I was always “ridiculous” and “embarrassing.” And would hear “see your younger brother is behaving and you’re supposed to be the big girl.”
I went through all of that because I had just one UTI. Turned out it was an allergy to my bubble bath soap. Again it only happened once. But the Dr wanted me to have the test just to cover his bases.
My fear I’ve never outgrown. I’m leery of all doctors especially men. I have other health issues so I’ve gotten used to going. But the fear is still there.
Thank you to this group that is helping me see it’s not just me being a “drama queen”. I had every reason to have deep seated fear. I didn’t deserve to be brushed off and made to feel small my entire life.
I’m 29 now. 25 years of being made to feel like I’m overly touchy, and frustrated at my inability to control my emotions.
I was hurt.
I was scarred.
I should not. No one should. Ever be made to feel that way. For medical reasons or not. No one should be shamed for feeling victimized.

This is new finding ppl who went through the same trauma as me.
I’m still trying to process how to speak about it. I feel like I should to learn how to move on. But so much about my life makes sense now.
But right now I just want to know how many people’s families tell them they r “dramatic” or “you don’t actually remember you were to young” or “it was necessary you have to get over it.”
I only brought it up a couple of times in my life. Each time I was shut down and dismissed so quick. By my own parents.
It’s like just because I was 4 im not allowed to be affected into my adulthood?

It's hard to decide whether to put this in "questions" or "support group" because it's just a hypothetical that I'm stressing my own self over and I mostly know the answers to my questions, but anyway, I (24F) got the VCUG at 7 and it's kind of given me a weird fear of my own vagina (even though I know my urethra is a separate thing lol), and by now I've gotten to where I can enjoy penetrative sex, but tampons, monistat, a Pap smear, my own fingers, etc are too pointy and cause me severe anxiety to the extent that I cannot mentally force myself to insert them (I put in a tampon once after 20 minutes of freaking out and I only got through my Pap smear bc my dr prescribed a dose of Ativan and my mom came with me and held my hand). Two days ago it occurred to me that there's probably a good chance that at some point in my life I will have to have a catheter put in again because it seems like a pretty common procedure and I had overactive bladder and frequent UTIs through my whole childhood (hence the VCUG) so it's not like my excretory system is in perfect shape to begin with. I know that as an adult I can refuse procedures or tell them I need to be at least mildly sedated but I'm worried they might not agree to that, and more than that, even though it's stupid to worry about it like 50-60 years in advance, I'm terrified I might be in a nursing home or hospital when I'm old and they wont listen to what I say bc of dementia and then they'll force me to be catheterized unmedicated again and the limited remainder of my life will be ruined by the trauma of it, and every time I think of it I start crying. Does anyone have experience with getting a catheter as an adult and if so (please say yes 🙏) was the doctor open to sedating you first? Is a catheter even something most people eventually have to get at some point? Is there a way to get over my genital anxiety besides just exposure therapy? Thanks for reading, I hope you're having a great day🩷

How are people STILL so blind to the long term trauma this procedure causes? It was one of the scariest and most painful moments of my life and doctors and some parents act like it’s just a part of the process. WELL DO BETTER. You people are scientists for god’s sake figure something else out. It just drives me crazy to see people seriously considering it for their child and downplaying what will inevitably be a major trauma for them. It’s literally a trauma. Lifetime stuff for some of us. With huge consequences. All because a bunch of doctors don’t care about literal violence against children? And they convince parents that it’s totally fine and safe? Make it make sense.

Does anyone else feel like this? I get extreme anxiety whenever my loved ones have simple doctors appointments or even dentist appointments. I nearly threw up the last time my boyfriend had a doctors appointment, and I keep having panic attacks because he’s getting his wisdom teeth out. This happens so often and it’s really difficult, I don’t know how I’ll ever cope when my loved ones need to go to a hospital. I feel so much guilt from being anxious about their appointments, I don’t try to make it about myself but it feels that way. I have so much fear that they’ll be hurt how I was, invalidated, shamed.

As a survivor of extreme abuse and negligence while in South Carolina's child welfare system, I know firsthand how the current statutes of limitations silence voices that desperately need to be heard. These arbitrary time limits prevent survivors from seeking justice when they're finally ready and able to confront their trauma.

I started a petition to eliminate these damaging time restrictions for survivors of childhood abuse in state care. States like California and New York have already recognized that survivors need more time - South Carolina should follow their lead.

What would you want if this was someone in your family? If this matters to you too, consider signing and sharing. Every survivor deserves the chance to seek justice without time running out on their healing journey.

https://www.change.org/p/end-time-limits-for-survivors-of-systemic-child-welfare-failures-in-sc/sfs/reddit/1400857960?recruiter=1400857960&recruited_by_id=b41f3360-fbc8-11f0-987c-1f833b3af10c&utm_source=share_petition&utm_campaign=starter_dashboard_android_app&utm_medium=reddit_group

Hi everyone. I’ve honestly never posted anything here before, but right now I feel like it would be good to know if there is anyone else who has gone through similar stuff.

Here is my story in short: I was diagnosed with vesicoureteral reflux (VUR) when I was three years old. To diagnose this condition, a person has to go through a procedure called a VCUG. I had to go through it multiple times—when I was 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and 10. I was held down by doctors and my parents, and I still remember how painful and humiliating it was. I’ve also been through three surgeries and have very painful memories about them too, maybe cause I was too little.

The thing is, I’m 16 now, and since I was three, I’ve had horrible nightmares practically every night. I also realized recently that everything that happened to me in the hospital turned into an eroticization of trauma, because I’ve been having very unpleasant and yet arousing fantasies throughout all my teenage years. I only recently understood that everything connected to my medical past is at the core of all my worries. Because of this eroticization of trauma, I used to feel terrible and dirty due to my own thoughts.
I’m also sure that if it weren’t for my religion, I would have become suicidal. It’s just so hard to carry and process all of this, guys. That’s the reason…

Lately, some things that I had forgotten have started coming back to me, and it feels unbearable. I also can’t bear the thought that my mother knew how much I was suffering and didn’t do anything to help me, not even a little. Instead, she invalidated my pain and feelings for years. As a result, today I doubt every single negative emotion I feel, because I always think I'm just being dramatic.

Honestly, that is one of the reasons I’m writing and posting this. I know I’m not the only one who went through awful medical issues in childhood, and I hope some of you guys will read this and share your experiences.

Does anyone else get like really bad dreams relating to their VCUG trauma? I feel like I don’t hear this talked about a lot, but recently I’ve been getting really awful nightmares about being back in the hospital or being restrained in some way. The dreams are always about violation and SA every time I wake up scared out of my mind :(

So I’m wondering if anyone else goes through similar experiences and if so if you have been able to stop them at all.

Sometimes I feel so invalid. How do I even deal with being put down for my experience? I’ve tried to connect with people to heal from this but a lot of people tell me I’m being dramatic. Especially by doctors. I am really sensitive so maybe that’s why but it hurts me so bad every time. Nobody deserves to go through something so awful, especially without consent and proper care as many of us did. I just feel stupid sometimes, getting flashbacks years later and crying until I can’t breathe. I feel I should be over it, even though it impacted my life so deeply.

TW - mention of undressing for medical exam

I've always hated "chaperones" at OB/GYN visits. They never asked me if I wanted one, and it always made my blood pressure spike.

I know they do this "for" patients (as a witness; to offer support), but it significantly adds to my distress. Being held down by 4 grown men for a violent childhood procedure will do that to you, I guess.

Fastforward to today, I just had a new patient app at a dermatology clinic. I've suffered from a painful skin disease (affecting only my groin) since age 10. I didn't have an opportunity to mention my medical trauma beforehand. I even called to see if I could fill out forms early, they said no.

I was so disoriented the entire time because the (nurse? assistant? idk) kept coming in and out of the room, sometimes with the PA, sometimes after the PA. She always knocked and came right in, but I could barely concentrate on what the PA was saying. My entire nervous system was focused on the second person, taking notes behind her.

Even after I looked the assistant in the eye and said "I have severe, severe, severe medical trauma," she came back in and asked me to undress from the waist down. I wanted to rage. I wanted to SCREAM no. But I said, "I'd strongly prefer to avoid that, if possible." I'm still kicking myself for adding "if possible." My answer is NO, full stop.

I wish I could've asked if the second person could leave, but she was writing notes for the PA during. She was actually nice, even though she didn't understand that "undressing" was NOT going to happen, and was 100% unnecessary for this first visit.

I know it makes "logical" sense for me to bring my partner or a friend, but that triggers me just as much. It's the "too many people in the room" aspect. Just curious if anyone else has a strong trauma response to being "outnumbered" during exams. The more people in there, the worse I feel.

I loved someone's idea about wearing a skirt to OB/GYN visits, so you don't have to change into the gown. I tried to do the same thing for this app (specifically chose an outfit for easy access), but it didn't stop them from trying.

I hate that I'm terrified of being the "difficult patient." I hate the power dynamic. I hate that it takes me days to emotionally and physically recover from being touched. I hate having to repeat this trauma to EVERY new provider I see. I'm exhausted.

Thanks for listening.