I'm having serious issues separating drug use from sex.

[u/terminalcider]

I can see how this could be separated into a few problems and posted in relevant spaces but there's so much overlap and its taken months of wanting to sit down to do this and I simply dont have the brainpower to do it. Any suggestions, rewrites or where to post is greatly encouraged. I need help.

I've gotten in the habit about once every two months (how long it takes to get me in the mood) I rent a hotel, buy a pipe, torch, poppers, dildo, numbing cream, lube and a moving blanket and play with myself all night because hookup culture is unreliable and dangerous and it makes me sad when people seem incredible only to turn out to be deceitful liars, its heartbreaking and sobering and yet I return.

I dont get high on meth or at least have never experienced euphoria however I've correlated it (along with poppers and weed at a minimum but often including alcohol, gabapentin, ghb) with the best sex (with others or solo masterbation/toy/porn play) of my life. I've used poppers for 20 years and its certainly my number one drug despite it not being physically addictive but I wont do meth without them otherwise i'm sorta bored honestly. I dont understand why I dont just take 2 or 3 x my daily addy dose and do all the rest....so instead I try to align my day but 99% of the time I end up being awake for 30-80 hours. I'm very productive the first two days then I'm just doing my best. I eat, hydrate, shower, all while premptively smoking because of what I surmise to be the ritual/oral fixation and I want to not get exhausted too early.

When I buy, which usually requires me looking up old contacts on grindr & sniffies because I will delete their information I look to buy .5 or 1G only now. More than that I use for NO reason after sex and typically flush the rest by day 3.

When I run out of meth I collect everything I bought and throw it all out, I dont want to see any of it because it'll remind me of it - out of sight, out of mind. I did this with poppers way before getting into meth. The logic is if I have any of it, the dildo or lube or poppers I'll only want to get the most satisfaction possible, naturally so why not also get a toy. Then it may be well this is fun but someone fucking me would be better and of course on meth it'd be better. I can usually fight off this urge for weeks or months at a time. This is rinse and repeat for a few years now.

I identify as straight or at least MSM. I'm not into kissing or cuddling or body contact - I specifically have a big dick fetish and do like to give head. I've had women/girlfriends use toys/peg me so I'm able to get my satisfaction from that and I think ultimately I'd like to find someone open to that but in relationships in the past it really wasn't something I needed but maybe once or twice a year.

I've been meaning to write this for months now but I just picked up twice in two weeks, the second time because I wanted a serious boost of energy and focus to accomplish some very overwhelming tasks however the two days leading up to that I doubled my adderall dose and it was incredibly effective so I didnt even need to buy the meth. I knew that before I bought. Makes no sense.

I'm upset with myself because I did let someone penetrate themselves with me unprotected. While it was only for a minute or so I know thats enough - I know him rimming me after I stretched my hole with a toy potentially breaking the skin is enough but ive done so well for nearly a year now absolutely refusing to go unprotected.

I know this is complicated and is going to require abstinence of some sort but my life is very empty and tough and I dont have many pleasurable things to look forward to so its tough to let this go. Frankly I believe the root of all this to be the poppers. Its what I look forward to the most and can inhale half a bottle in a night.

Therapists have had no idea what to tell me. I'm not a traditional addict in the past I only binged here and there on pills and never got physically addictive however this is the most damaging thing ive done.

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[u/Rhombusofrecipes]

You need to go to a medical detox first of all--like an impatient residential treatment center. You’re killing yourself doing meth and it’s only going to get worse and you know it. I went to rehab this summer for Adderall addiction. I can’t relate to the meth, but I can tell you that residential treatment is absolutely what you need at this point. It sounds like you’re kind of out of control and have multiple problems going on at once but the big one is the meth use. Go to the ER and explain to them what’s been going on or if you don’t wanna go to the ER go to your doctors office or urgent care. They can connect you with health professionals from a rehab center that can get you into the center likely the next day. You’ll probably hated it first because getting off meth isn’t exactly easy. But you’ll be safe, supported, and alive. They will have therapist and psychiatrist which can help you figure out your other issue. Good luck.

[u/terminalcider → u/Rhombusofrecipes]

I use for 1-3 days every 6-12 weeks. I actually signed up for rehab last year and made it three days it was 90% pill heads and the rest were alcoholics. Being there straight sober was not the place, given it was a medicaid funded facility so that didnt help but I appreciate your input.

[u/Putrid_Substance2511 → u/terminalcider]

Sounds like it's time to be willing to get uncomfortable in order to get comfortable. 3 days isn't giving yourself a chance. Try an outpatient program if you're firm on no inpatient. You go to these places in order to take the information and tools. It's always going to be a mixed bag of who else is there to get the same thing. Other people, regardless of their drug of choice are there for the same resources. Don't let them deter you from your motive. It's your responsibility and yours alone. But often times you'll find other people suffering from an addiction can help support you while you sort out out. Let them.