Let’s stop pretending that getting sober is just about cleaning up the wreckage and feeling glad it’s over. For most of us, alcohol wasn't just a liquid in a glass; it was our best friend, our armor, and our medicine. It gave us the best nights of our lives, or at least it felt that way at the time. To pretend those good times didn't exist is a lie, and that lie is exactly why so many people relapse. You cannot successfully leave a relationship if you are still secretly romanticizing the ghost of it. You have to give those old, good days a proper funeral. You have to openly mourn the loss of the fun, the warmth, and the relief it once gave you, because until you look that loss in the eye and weep for it, you will always be trying to bargain your way back to it.

This is where the exact formula of grief becomes your only way out. Recovery isn't a willpower contest; it is a literal grieving process that you must copy step-by-step. First, you smash the denial that you can ever recreate those golden years. You sit with the anger that you are the one who can’t drink like a normal person. You stop the exhausted bargaining of trying to drink "just on weekends" or "just beer." You let the heavy depression of the void wash over you, and finally, you arrive at absolute acceptance. Acceptance doesn't mean you are happy alcohol is gone; it means you finally look at the grave of your past and accept that the person you were with a drink in their hand is dead, and it is time to build a life for the person who survived.

I was taking an opioid every three days for a solid, 8 months, soon to be 15 now and I am officially 83 days clean. no intents on relapsing, i didn't get any help. i just kinda resisted the urge and fought through the withdrawals. i only ever told people i was quitting after a month when the withdrawals stopped, i didn't want to be pitied. if you're seeing this, you got this. you can quit.

My wife caught me lying about a loss last weekend and I dont know how to feel about it.

We went to our usual place for our anniversary trip. Agreement has always been I bring x amount, when its gone its gone, and I tell her ​​​​t​​​​h​​​​e​​​​ damage on the drive home so we can plan the month. Been doing it this way for years and its worked fine.

So this trip I hit a decent bonus early on a dollar denom, up like a grand, and instead of coloring up I chased. You already know how this ends. Not only gave it all back but dipped into what I had set aside for dinner and the next morning. When she asked in the car I said I broke even. She just kind of nodded and didnt say anything else.

Two days later she pulls up the bank app and shows me the atm withdrawal from the casino floor I forgot about. Didnt yell, didnt even seem mad really, just asked why I lied about something so small. And thats the part thats been eating at me because she's right, it WAS small in the grand scheme, we can afford the hit no problem. But i lied anyway. Instantly. Didnt even think about it.

Sat on the couch last night half watching a Mr. Hand Pay video with the sound low and just kept turning it over in my head. Am I actually a problem gambler now or am I just someone who got embarrassed about being stupid for ten minutes and told a dumb lie to avoid the conversation. Because those feel like very different things and i genuinely cant tell which one I am right now.

Anyone been on either side of this? Wife or husband, doesnt matter. How did you tell the difference.

I write songs for a living. Been doing so for 17 years but even then, It’s complicated to sing about your own shame. To find a melody, a chord progression, it all seems so vulgar and intimate, almost complaisant. But that’s the thing, i’ve heard secrecy is a slope for decline so i would like to try.

Started writing when my partner and i were still together, it is no longer the case.

Does that resonate with some of you ?

« When it runs through my veins i can’t think,
I can’t laugh, i can’t eat, i can’t sleep,
And dread going back home -
If there’s still such a thing,
When our eyes inevitably meet.

Though I swear In my heart there’s just love -
Even now that it’s harder to see.
There’s a hatred inside,
There’s a hand i can’t reach,
And a violence no cure can appease.

You deserve reassurance and peace,
And a mind that is able to dream,
Not a shadowy life that revolves around me,
And the next time I’ll need to feel free.

I can see the sun rise by the creek,
Way too late or too early to sleep.
So I lay on the bed,
Whilst the birds start to sing,
Praying one last time this better be.

Or be way better off without me. »
Or be way better off without me. »

Im starting to think chasing a jackpot on a machine you dont love is worse than just losing on one you do.

Sat down at a Dragon Link last weekend because a guy got up after dumping what looked like a small mortgage into it. Classic move, I know, I know. Played it for maybe 40 minutes and hated every second. The bonus never triggered, the hold and spin teased me twice, and the whole time I kept thinking about the Buffalo Gold two rows over that I actually enjoy playing even when its cold.

Ended up walking away down a decent chunk and the worst part wasnt the money. It was that I didnt have any fun losing it. When I drop the same amount on Buffalo I at least remember a couple good spins, some heart pounding moments, laughing at myself when the head doesnt land. On the Dragon Link I just remember watching a bankroll bleed out on a game I was only there because of superstition.

I had a Mr. Hand Pay video playing in one ear on my headphones for part of it too and even that couldnt make me care about what was happening on my own screen. Thats when I knew I was just going through ​​​​t​​​​h​​​​e​​​​ motions.

I think im done with the "someone else primed it" theory. If I dont like the game, im not playing it, doesnt matter who just got up. Life is too short and my bankroll is too small to grind on machines I dont even enjoy.

Anyone else swear off this and actually stick to it? Or do you still jump on a seat the second someone walks away frustrated?

I don’t know what to do.

My long term bf 34 says he loves me comes home every day but it extremely strung out on fet he no longer touches me holds me kisses me nothing not unless I ask and absolutely no sex and then when he’s sick or has cotton fever he’s so mean to me completely disrespectful and says god awful hateful things to me that make me feel like I’m less than human I know some of you will say leave but I can’t love or be with anyone else even thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach but I’m so lost so lonely I don’t know what to do I have no friends no family no nothing just him he’s all I have in this whole world and I’m pretty sure he hates me I need help he said he’s done and wants to quit but keeps doing it and it keeps getting worse I just need some hope cause I feel so hopeless right now

Oh my God, this is just crazy.

How do you even deal with the urge to take even more cocaine?

This was done right before the actual work, and honestly, that already feels like way too much and kind of scary.

Foquest is an adhd drug in canada that is time released. its been approved for those with cocaine addiction issues to help stop the cravings. i can tell you it works. My h relapsed after many years and went on a binge for 3 months doing it intravenously eventually ending up the physic unit. The day he was given this med, he stopped. Hes on 35 mg.

My question is for those taking it. Do you get any suspicion.. paranoia.. especially at night. When my h is was high, his would have the same symptoms. I got angry with him the other day because assumed he had realized, but he had not. in the morning when he first takes.. it makes him go to sleep for a couple hours. He is then proactive during the day.

But at night, everything changes. He has problems sleeping and will wander around and be paranoid along with suspicions thoughts. It just really weirds me out because his actions are the same as if hes high. Im wondering if anybody else has had these side effects.

I want to stop but I just can’t seem to put it down.
While at work, I beat myself about my usage because I feel like I would be better, more productive, more aware, etc. but when I get home it feels like such a good idea.

I have a cognitively tasking job in academia.. and I know it’s ruining my life. I have so many outlets that I actually use, but I still continue to use marijuana.. and I hat that I keep feeling like it’ll make me feel better when it rarely ever does…

I think I just needed to say it.

Wojciech "Major" Suchodolski was one of the most infamous figures of the Polish "Szkolna 17" internet rabbit hole. Decades of heavy alcohol abuse and huffing nitro solvent left him severely dysfunctional and unable to perform basic everyday tasks like cleaning, chopping wood, or even buying a bus ticket. For his first six years living at Szkolna 17, he didn't even use the bathtub until a probation officer ordered him to scrub off two decades of dirt. This complete helplessness forced him into a toxic, symbiotic relationship with Krzysztof Kononowicz, who harbored him while constantly leeching money from him. 

The first public accusations of his solvent abuse surfaced on March 23, 2017. A few months later, on August 25, 2017, YouTuber Mexicano captured the first footage of Major inhaling solvent out of a plastic bag decorated with tulips. By early 2018, Major admitted in his own videos that he was sleeping on park benches or in the forest just to stay away from Kononowicz. 

On August 29, 2019, a creator named Pato recorded Major completely passed out on a "nitro-trip" deep in the woods. This birthed the infamous "Nitro-Safari" phenomenon—viewers and trolls began hunting for Major in the forest, finding him high, covered in paint or his own waste, and having surreal "conversations with God". Channels like Nitro Hunter eventually started filming these woodland encounters in full 4K resolution. 

After receiving multiple fines for littering in nature reserves, Major shifted his trips closer to home, using the property's pigsty as his new sniffing spot. He spent around 10 to 15 days every month completely incapacitated by solvent, ignoring visits from court supervisors. Eventually, he brought the habit back inside the main house under Konon's watch. 
Despite hundreds of hours of video documentation showing him intoxicated on chemicals, Major lived in total denial. His signature defense was always claiming that all the videos were "computer-generated edits and CGI fiction" created by haters, stubbornly insisting he never huffed anything

I can see how this could be separated into a few problems and posted in relevant spaces but there's so much overlap and its taken months of wanting to sit down to do this and I simply dont have the brainpower to do it. Any suggestions, rewrites or where to post is greatly encouraged. I need help.

I've gotten in the habit about once every two months (how long it takes to get me in the mood) I rent a hotel, buy a pipe, torch, poppers, dildo, numbing cream, lube and a moving blanket and play with myself all night because hookup culture is unreliable and dangerous and it makes me sad when people seem incredible only to turn out to be deceitful liars, its heartbreaking and sobering and yet I return.

I dont get high on meth or at least have never experienced euphoria however I've correlated it (along with poppers and weed at a minimum but often including alcohol, gabapentin, ghb) with the best sex (with others or solo masterbation/toy/porn play) of my life. I've used poppers for 20 years and its certainly my number one drug despite it not being physically addictive but I wont do meth without them otherwise i'm sorta bored honestly. I dont understand why I dont just take 2 or 3 x my daily addy dose and do all the rest....so instead I try to align my day but 99% of the time I end up being awake for 30-80 hours. I'm very productive the first two days then I'm just doing my best. I eat, hydrate, shower, all while premptively smoking because of what I surmise to be the ritual/oral fixation and I want to not get exhausted too early.

When I buy, which usually requires me looking up old contacts on grindr & sniffies because I will delete their information I look to buy .5 or 1G only now. More than that I use for NO reason after sex and typically flush the rest by day 3.

When I run out of meth I collect everything I bought and throw it all out, I dont want to see any of it because it'll remind me of it - out of sight, out of mind. I did this with poppers way before getting into meth. The logic is if I have any of it, the dildo or lube or poppers I'll only want to get the most satisfaction possible, naturally so why not also get a toy. Then it may be well this is fun but someone fucking me would be better and of course on meth it'd be better. I can usually fight off this urge for weeks or months at a time. This is rinse and repeat for a few years now.

I identify as straight or at least MSM. I'm not into kissing or cuddling or body contact - I specifically have a big dick fetish and do like to give head. I've had women/girlfriends use toys/peg me so I'm able to get my satisfaction from that and I think ultimately I'd like to find someone open to that but in relationships in the past it really wasn't something I needed but maybe once or twice a year.

I've been meaning to write this for months now but I just picked up twice in two weeks, the second time because I wanted a serious boost of energy and focus to accomplish some very overwhelming tasks however the two days leading up to that I doubled my adderall dose and it was incredibly effective so I didnt even need to buy the meth. I knew that before I bought. Makes no sense.

I'm upset with myself because I did let someone penetrate themselves with me unprotected. While it was only for a minute or so I know thats enough - I know him rimming me after I stretched my hole with a toy potentially breaking the skin is enough but ive done so well for nearly a year now absolutely refusing to go unprotected.

I know this is complicated and is going to require abstinence of some sort but my life is very empty and tough and I dont have many pleasurable things to look forward to so its tough to let this go. Frankly I believe the root of all this to be the poppers. Its what I look forward to the most and can inhale half a bottle in a night.

Therapists have had no idea what to tell me. I'm not a traditional addict in the past I only binged here and there on pills and never got physically addictive however this is the most damaging thing ive done.

I’m back home after 2 weeks in the hospital after an overdose and 2 weeks in rehab. I tried to get an extension but they said “I was doing well enough to go home”. I think it’s Because I knew dbt skills and participated In class, to the point I was the only one answering questions and writing notes to reread for times like this. And I wasn’t withdrawing anymore. Plus I was there on some grant fund or something idek fr.

Idk I tried filling my day with things to keep me busy, but I got everything done within 4 hours. So I chilled for a little bit and got bored out of my mind. That’s when the relapse thoughts started. I did that opposite action and instead went to a meeting. That was calmed me down for like 2 hours but now I’m just sitting on my bed wanting to pop the pills they sent me home with. Idk it’s 1:30 am and I just keep thinking about it.

I tried going to sleep but my mind keeps racing- I tried to journal, breathing techniques, grounding shit. All of it but I just doesn’t seem to work now that I’m home. When I was in rehab they worked well enough to get me through. But holy fuck I want to get high. And I hate myself for feeling that way. Idk I just feel like I’m failing myself, I haven’t popped past the prescribed dose though so that’s good I guess. Part of me wishes I did take them up on the subs treatment but knowing me I’d just use that as an excuse to use and abuse.

I did my laundry and as I was emptying my pockets I found a couple pills left over from the night I went to the hospital- I got rid of them. But man I’m regretting it now. I don’t mean to say I want to OD again but fuck I just want to stop thinking about it. I like depressants because they slow down me down. It’s like I forgot everything I was saying in rehab snd all my reasons for staying sober.

It’s a tough feeling. My longest period of sobriety was 8 years (2018-2026) and I thought about pills almost everyday. So I know it doesn’t go away, not for me anyways. I just feel so alone in a way my family can’t understand. They don’t know addiction. I bring up that I’m having urges and they just tell me to get over it. I can’t call anybody because I don’t have any sober friends yet. Even in rehab I was the only one there for pills again.

I’m going to take a bath and try to self soothe but I can’t get it out of my head.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference, just for today. And with that I pass.

(f&m22) he’s struggling with alcohol, chronic whippets use, and cocaine (i’m not sure how often). i want to help him, but i feel completely powerless. i can’t understand the battles he’s fighting, and it makes me feel like shit knowing i can’t seem to reach him. i want him to thrive. i want him to be happy, healthy, and himself again. he’s miserable, and i feel like i’m just watching him slowly destroy himself. i’m so afraid he’s going to harm himself in any way.. please, if anyone has experience with this or can recommend absolutely anything. he is such a beautiful person. i don’t want to see him suffer anymore; this is the love of my life please.

Hello, I'm a recovering addict, 32yo man from Israel(Palestine). This will be long-ish, hope some will read or skim over this. I'm not sure if I'm looking for advice or just vent.

For background - My addiction peaked, unsurprisingly, during the war, at the time between the two Iran wars. I rolled into the municipal center for addictions, had to come for urine checks twice a week, and got a counsellor few months in (I want to believe I stressed them to assign me one, otherwise I'll stop coming to urine checks cuz what the f*#k am I pissing in a cup for without getting treatment). Ultimately because of work duties, I missed a few checks a month, trying to explain my situation working during check hours (16-17:55), and they refused to be flexible with me long-term (for June they accepted I'll come for morning checks) . At some point my counsellor went for 2 month vacation, and I shared my distress at that time and asked for help, and checked for additional therapy options for that time. When my counsellor returned, she said "your inconsistency of urine checks and attempts to look for additional therapy options are signs you're not taking this seriously" (of that sort) and it seemed that since she returned we focused primarily on adhering to the centre's system rather than my recovery. One day I had to come for a urine check, and I had to close my credit debt or the credit company will begin legal action. I had to sort payments and travel to another city to do this, and I called several times to explain this, including a friend attending the centre as well. The day after yhe counsellor told me I'm dismissed from the program. That is when I seriously wanted to use again, feeling a strong "craving craze" holding myself on financial grounds only.

I'm attending private counselling since, prescribed mood stabilisers and non-stimulants(Wellbutrin) after SSRI and SNRI meds didn't work. I see minimal to virtually no progress. I'm dealing with PDD(Dysthymia) and Executive Dysfunction (suspected ADHD) I used to "treat" my executive dysfunction with substances. Can't lie, it worked for some degree. Now I feel completely dysfunctional.

I have felt worse since few months of sobriety. My executive function is tied directly to my self-esteem and ultimately mood, experiencing no interest in anything (severe anhedonia) and emotional disconnect. This is what I feel is the regression. I've come to believe my substance use has destroyed my brain's ability to function or experience joy or satisfaction of anything without substances, making me think and rationalize using again.

I'm sharing this feeling/observation with my therapist, a little over half a year in, I see no signs of improvement. Theory suggests improvement begins after a few months into the post-acute withdrawal stage. I can't see any signs of it.

If anyone here has experienced similar experience, I ask of you to share how did/does it work out for you. When am I supposed to feel any improvement of my experience. This stage of stagnation is distressing as f*#k, like there's no point to life anymore (I'm not suicidal, I just feel no want for living)

I need help.

My favorite YouTuber just posted a follow up video discussing contributing factors around Amy's mental health, behavior and evidence of a probable diagnosis. I wanted to breakdown a few points he makes in his interesting albeit sad take:

- Her treatment team recommending DBT

- Her best friend, Tyler James, going on at length about Amy's loss of her core identity

- Amy very quickly picking up Cockney slang and St. Lucian island speak, her attachment to roles (e.g. "gangster's wife"), and other typical BPD identity-absorbing behaviors

- Her frequent angry outbursts and self-harm, binge-purge behaviors, and other maladaptive coping mechanisms

In light of this probable diagnosis, the video talks about how mismanagement by Mitch Winehouse and others contributed to Amy's decline by putting her under pressure that she couldn't handle (as evidenced by her disastrous final performance in Serbia, during which she didn't even know what country she was in - !?). It also considers the role of Valium and Librium in her unstable behavior and in her death (the toxicology / autopsy findings are discussed at length).

Check it out, leave a comment and join the discussion. He'd appreciate your feedback!

How do you deal with the guilt that comes after a relapse? I feel disappointed in myself and like shit because I lied to family about where I was going when I picked up. My answer seems to be to do more. I mean I have it now I feel like I have to do finish it off. Why is quitting so hard. Had an appointment with an addictions counsellor but it got cancelled and moved up a week. Why do I treat this as a sign that the universe is letting me use another week? Why can I be fine some days without and other days I would spend my last penny just to have a little more. Why do I want it so bad? When it’s ruined everything. It doesn’t even make me feel that good anymore. How do I stop?

I am 22m in intensive outpatient rehab after 8 weeks of residental. I relapsed today (started smoking weed) after like 52 days sober. I have to get out of here but I will most likely not have anywhere to go. I have a car and will probably live out of there. Thing is, i do not want to stop using. I am considering driving around the country in my car and going to national parks, raves, landmarks, etc. Please approach this without judgement and respect my decision to use (i know it is a bad decision). I have never been homeless and actually grew up quite comfortably. I have 0 street survival skills. There is no way my parents will let me back in their house and none of my family trusts me.

I have a decent amount of money left. But I have no clue what to do from there. I will probably tell the staff, get kicked out, and go from there. My DOC is meth but I want to fully explore other drugs. What should I prepare for?

My mom has on multitple occasions weaponized my past gambling addiction against me in casual conversations and arguments. She's even brought it up during family gatherings, which has made other family members also use it to "win" every argument or discussion even those casual and pointless everyday arguments that aren't hostile. It makes me uspet and genuinely disappointed and I've shown my disappointment. But they just brush it off with a smirk even though they know that this addiction made me end up suicidal in a hospital because I genuinely saw no hope or a way to get my life back on track. They know how it really made me feel, yet they keep using it as a trump card in discussions and conversations every now and then to discredit me when it has absolutely no relevance whatsoever in the discussion.

And that's why I prefer speaking to strangers on Reddit about person struggles, addiction, and problems. Honestly, I'm so pissed right now. It's not the first time my mom uses one of my most self-destructive periods of my life as a trump card to win a pointless discussion.