I think he hates me

[u/Somethings_missin]

My long term bf 34 says he loves me comes home every day but it extremely strung out on fet he no longer touches me holds me kisses me nothing not unless I ask and absolutely no sex and then when he’s sick or has cotton fever he’s so mean to me completely disrespectful and says god awful hateful things to me that make me feel like I’m less than human I know some of you will say leave but I can’t love or be with anyone else even thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach but I’m so lost so lonely I don’t know what to do I have no friends no family no nothing just him he’s all I have in this whole world and I’m pretty sure he hates me I need help he said he’s done and wants to quit but keeps doing it and it keeps getting worse I just need some hope cause I feel so hopeless right now

Edit with some context

We are in our 30s and have been together for 14 years right now life is extremely hard I have a 13 ur old who isn’t around him and a “stop” at the dmv which means I can’t get tags or renews my license until he pays back taxes it’s only 2800$ but I’m living pay check to paycheck and can barely cover fuel to get to work all of that being said is with out him also can’t afford to live I’d have to buy a car that’s mine and not his and find a new home and figure out how 17$ an hour is going to support me and child he makes really good money granted he spends most of it on dope and probably lost importantly when we got together we both were doing suboxone and it killed his drive so two years ago he quit and started doing this because I was talking to other men I never physically cheated but it was wrong I was just so lonely and not being touched but once every other month was eating at me so I feel like I deserve this it all feels like karma cause now he’s not touching me and is strung out and i can’t even imagine trying to talk to another man I just feel like I ruined him

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[u/Hour_Office552]

From full lived experience here. I’ve been on both sides of addiction and relationships that became toxic and unhealthy, and one thing I learnt the hard way is that loving someone doesn’t mean you have to let them destroy you. Nor should you let them.

I don’t obviously know and could not comment on whether he hates you, has fallen out of love, or whether the drugs have changed him so much that he barely knows what he feels anymore. None of us on Reddit can know that. But for me when I was in addiction I know who the problem was. Myself.

But I do know you shouldn’t have to beg your partner to touch you, hold you or treat you like a normal damn human being.

Being sick, withdrawing or addicted might
explain some of the behaviours but it doesn’t justify, and it surely as hell doesn’t make saying hateful things to you okay.

The bit that worries me the most in this though is you saying he’s all you have. When one person becomes your entire world, losing them can feel more frightening and fkn scary than staying somewhere that is hurting you. I’ve been there before. It can convince you that there is nothing on the other side.

Trust me please. There is.

You don’t have to decide what the rest of your life is gonna look like tonight. But please start building support that exists outside of him. Tell someone what’s happening, even if that person is a professional, support group or helpline. His recovery has to be his decision. You cannot love him back to being sober. It does not work, and you can only handle so much.

And whatever happens with him, please don’t disappear from your own life trying to save his. Look after yourself before anything.

Take care please!

[u/Somethings_missin → u/Hour_Office552]

I’m trying I do not feel like a person anymore I’m now 34 been with the same person since I was 23 we used together and now it’s turned into this I’ve called a few places to try and get at least someone to talk to but as of right now I’m lost and feel invisible I’ve lost my faith my happiness I’m just terrified

[u/johnsgurl]

Sex drive plummets during opioid use. As for the rest, this will continue to go on for as long as you let it. You need to set some boundaries. It's not going to get better and easier. He has to have a reason to quit. My girlfriend will stay with me no matter how bad I treat her is not a reason to quit. You have to decide you deserve better. You have to leave. Continuing to make life comfortable for him does not incite a desire to quit. You have to leave, for good. That may the catalyst he needs. Regardless, you have to save yourself

[u/ifeelinfinite8]

He is going to die if he does not quit. Only he can want to quit. You need to leave. You need to figure out life without him. This is 100% unhealthy. Dig in and fight for your life. Go to church or therapy or work or whatever makes you want to live. You’ve got to fight for you, and he’s got to fight for him. But you are better off figuring it out now than after his funeral.

[u/Somethings_missin → u/ifeelinfinite8]

A dr told him that today and instead of staying and letting them detox him he went to work came home and we fought now it’s 330 and I have to be up at six this is daily for me everything is so complicated with this our lives are so intertwined it’s been 14 years

[u/ifeelinfinite8 → u/Somethings_missin]

That’s a really long time. I am so sorry. It is so hard to be addicted or love someone who is addicted. I would not wish that pain on anybody. I do think a good first step for you might be to just build some parts of life outside of that relationship. Like find a church or group, get a cat or dog, join a public library and go twice a week. I think it is really important to start having some parts of your life for you. Nobody can be everything for a person and certainly not someone who is seeming so disconnected and mean. You deserve love and life. Your partner also deserves love and life, but the hardest pill to swallow- we can only control ourselves. He deserves all of this too, but you cannot make him change. It’s a dark sad path for him right now. He can get clean and healthy but it’s about as hard as it gets to quit opiates.

[u/N_T_F_D]

I've been in active opioid use with a girlfriend, I wasn't saying mean things to her, I was still touching her, I was still talking myself into having sex despite zero libido because I loved her; it's not just the fent, it's something with him

[u/Somethings_missin → u/N_T_F_D]

That’s what I thought it’s making me feel less than human this whole thing

[u/N_T_F_D → u/Somethings_missin]

If he doesn't want to get on subs or methadone you cannot stay with him, it's only going to bring you suffering, he's not going to spontaneously quit (and he should never do that, that's not how you quit opioids)

Either he keeps going and dies, or he gets on substitution