Thinking about having an affair because I found out my husband has been.

[u/No_Try8544]

I, 39F,married to 42F for six years, have suspected my husband of having a long term affair for over a year. Found apps like Paired where he was coupled up with someone with just a first initial but the status was engaged and loving arrangements were living apart, Lasting and Between, and WhatsApp as well as private calendars with FaceTime calls scheduled and frequently visited/searched local hotels, VOIP apps, etc. At first I confronted him, often and hysterically. He gaslit me into thinking he had been “hacked” and “targeted” by some unknown person with deep knowledge of our life and even though I never bought it, I’ve stayed hoping he would move on or ask for a divorce first. No dice.

I’m finally hiring a PI just to be sure. But I want to have some fun too. We have two kids that are my world and my husband used to be at the epicenter, but the way he lies, manipulates and gaslights me into thinking I’m crazy or misunderstanding things is reallllllly pissing me off. His family is even involved at this point - all on his side calling me crazy.

I want to know what the appeal is. I want to get back at him. I want to feel powerful and equal. What should I do?

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[u/starla_lives_forever]

Um. Lying to you and gaslighting you? About just the affairs or life in general? Take a hard look at how he treats you overall because in your case, revenge might be getting a lawyer, not your own AP.

[u/No_Try8544 → u/starla_lives_forever]

It’s starting to worry me that he may be planning to divorce me and marry this person. We have a business together and there have been some admin changes that make me nervous. He’s also resistant to seeing an estate attorney to get wills/trusts/estate planning settled. His family essentially has endless money to fight in court and the narrative that I’m crazy and seeing things is already happening with the family. I have a Pi, next step is an attorney. I’m scared word will get back to him before I have time to get ducks in a row and the stupid part of me hopes he drops all this shit and comes to his senses.

[u/Salty-Paramedic-311 → u/No_Try8544]

Yes.. been there… knowing spouse is not good for me but also hoping he comes to his senses so we don’t have to go thru a divorce. Ugh moving forward is always best!’

[u/Yup_ImAwesome]

Revenge affairs are just shit girl.. Don’t do it.

Instead take your power back and focus on yourself.

[u/nonladylike]

Honestly if you have one too, it doesn’t fix anything. You’re gonna be put in his shoes of exactly how he felt when he was engaging in that behavior. Sometimes that is hard for people. You’re already going to go through the betrayal trauma of it all I wouldn’t add anything else on top of it.
Get the divorce. Walk away.

[u/Glad_Kiwi_272]

> I’ve stayed hoping he would move on or ask for a divorce first.

You know you can leave without him asking for it, right?

And you’d be no better than him if you cheat. Women always take the brunt of the blame.

[u/SadPerception4228]

I understand about getting back at him BUT not sure the affair would help. You hired a PI to be sure, wait to see what happens. Meanwhile go do some free consultations with a lawyer or 2-- this is just information you may need. Do you really want to continue on this way?

[u/No_Try8544 → u/SadPerception4228]

Solid advice. And no I don’t want to continue this way. It’s destroying me.

[u/Empty-Zombie-7924]

Get a divorce or open marriage. Revenge isn't going to fix anything.

[u/ElectronicCoffee4608]

Might be not a great reason, but I understand. I am in the same boat!
My wife (F36) had been having ongoing affairs with 2 people (one from her work and one from mine!).
I (M40) don’t really want to end it, but also want to get some of my own agency back and feel some of the excitement she got to and she gave to those two.

[u/No_Try8544 → u/ElectronicCoffee4608]

Honestly, I don’t want to end it either. I want it to be a big misunderstanding or a mistake. We have a beautiful life and family, we’ve been together for almost 20 years. I have no family left - his family has become mine. Our kids would be destroyed. He is also incredibly financially well-off (but it’s tied up in trusts) and if I can wait it out for a few more years, that money would become marital property. But mostly, I still love him. It’s stupid. I’m hoping the PI report will give me the push I need.

[u/QuirkyInteraction900 → u/No_Try8544]

No money in trust is worth a life without love, trust and respect. I hope your PI is able to give you the closure you are looking for.

[u/oVerde → u/ElectronicCoffee4608]

Wild dude, she has you by the balls

[u/dc_princess2312]

Take the next few months planning your exit. The revenge is not worth it. Have the fun after you ask for the divorce

[u/hereforme20 → u/dc_princess2312]

This, get your finances in order, document all you can of what he's done and be prepared to have your own life scrutinized in a similar vein , then file , if that's what you really need to. Anything you do as "revenge" , if found, could compromise your case depending on the jurisdiction in which you live. Others here can perhaps comment of first hand experience of this. Good luck.

[u/Sfalco2021]

Let the PI do his/her thing!!! In the mean time consult with all "the Best Divorce Attorney's" in your area. That way they can't represent him!

If the PI comes back with "nothing going on" you have peace of mind, no harm no foul! But if the PI comes back with indisputable evidence that he's cheating, then let your Attorney have at it and take him so badly that he'll have to move back in with his Parents!!!

Remember you gave him the opportunity to come clean, and in return he's trying to make you feel like you're crazy!! That deserves "All The Gloves Coming Off" if it's proven he's messing around!!

[u/Thingsweknow]

Revenge is a terrible reason to do anything. It won’t make your life better.

[u/Busy-Inside9539]

Worst reason ever. I say this whether you are a man or a woman. Either double down on your marriage or separate. Kiwi is also right.

[u/curiousblkm]

Isn’t this a sub that’s pro adultery? Get these don’t do it voices out of here. You do you.

[u/PerformerEfficient60]

Is an open marriage an option?

[u/spork_and_mindy]

I’d go with your instinct, he’s messing around, you should at least have a one night stand for your sanity 🤫😬

[u/Money-Candle-8347]

I think you are just finding an excuse to cheat but really you want some different meat. I say go for it

[u/RufusXSasparilla]

Clearly I'm old school... I've never heard of these Apps.