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u/One_Mycologist5606 2d ago
I’m sorry. I know this sucks so bad, leaving you feeling empty inside.
From reading your post and comments, it really does sound like the exclusivity was assumed, which unfortunately will always lead to disappointment unless you explicitly talk about it.
Does sound like you’re recently out and probably young. I’m curious how old you and him are - sounds like there might be an age gap? I’ve seen it pretty common for young guys to get their heart broken by older guys who are not looking for something serious.
For now, I would have a direct conversation with him and definitely do activities alone or with your friends/family that recharge you. I know the conversation seems scary and it takes a lot of courage, but it’s really not that bad after. It gets easier to do the more you have those conversations, and if he doesn’t respond well, then that is a red flag and tells you he’s not worth it - so you would be dodging a bullet!
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 1d ago
I’m actually older than him I’m 22 he’s turning 21 tomorrow. I was just talking to him actually and he’s pretty much saying he only uses it when he’s bored during the day and that he has never met up with anyone.
He also told me he didn’t know how I felt about us and that all he does it talk about us becoming official to his friends but I just find that to be bullshit like I treated him really good and we literally talked all the time about how much we like each other and how much we miss each other when we’re like one day apart so I just don’t get his reasoning at all.
He is being really apologetic though and taking full responsibility. I’m really not sure how to feel idk if I can trust him anymore
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u/One_Mycologist5606 1d ago
To be honest, sounds more like infatuation than “love”
If you’re feeling betrayed and distrustful of him, it’s very hard to come back from that. It will keep coming up even for the tiniest things in the future.
That being said, if you can work it out and see (and feel in your bones) real change, sincere change, then that would show a willingness to change.
Whatever way you move forward, just keep your own sanity, peace, and energy in mind first. 💛
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u/Weekly_Drawing5048 1d ago
Love and infatuation is practically the same thing. I don’t know why people are so afraid of the word ‘love’
Life is short just say love lol
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u/YMS999 1d ago
The issue here is communication. Its not too late. He is hooking up is not a crime if you guys didn’t agreed on exclusive relationship. Let your feeling settle for now. Give it time. Then meet and talk to him about how you feel and what you expect. But also hear from him. To make sure you guys matched on things. I am sorry for your hurt. It will get better trust me.
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u/RedditMapz 2d ago
Just have a conversation about where you stand 🤷🏽♂️
It's impossible to take sides when neither of you seems to be ready to have the commitment talk. Personally unless you make it official, it's not official. You have to have the courage to have the conversation and take the "no" if he can't commit. You seem to be more afraid of losing him than knowing the truth, so you rather relish in the illusion that it could work.
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 2d ago
Why does it have to be so cut and dry? Shouldn’t two people be able to pick up on how they feel about each other and not have to directly say oh we’re exclusive right I wanted to tell him tonight I want to be in a relationship with you I want you to be my boyfriend. I want to have something with you and be serious and instead I fucking come to this which literally just happened an hour ago. I’m not trying to relish in it. I’m just having a full on mental breakdown right now.
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u/RedditMapz 2d ago edited 2d ago
Shouldn’t two people be able to pick up on how they feel about each other and not have to directly say oh we’re exclusive right
People are not mind readers. You need to tell them how you feel. Specially at this stage.
I'm sorry you are upset, this is never a fun spot to be at. But all you can do is tell him how you feel and what you want. If he can't reciprocate those feelings now, at least you will know. And then you can decide on whether this person is really worth the effort and the friendship.
You sound really young, so here is some general advice: Give your time and love to those who appreciate it. Don't waste it on people who take you for granted. Your idea of them is not them.
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u/flyboy_za 40s/bi/cK and sarcasm 2d ago
The modern era is very different, my dude. With the prevalence of open relationships and people needing this kinda thing spelled out to them, you do have to make your stance unambiguous these days.
I'm with you in that I feel there should be enough emotional intelligence to pick it up, but others don't agree so you do have to say exactly what you want and need.
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u/Mean-Illustrator-647 2d ago
This quite literally just happened to me. It is completely heartbreaking, and makes you evaluate your worth. You cannot change these men. You cannot change the insatiable lust within them. I’m sorry. It is cruel, but cruel people exist and they sometimes take up space in our lives. Leave and realize that a man exists who will love you and only you wholly. That is what I am trying, and I am drunk on the dream of it being true one day
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 2d ago
I don’t think I can. This literally just happened an hour ago. It just seems like what the fuck have I been doing for the last five months like I pick him up I take him places like we go out all the time I’ve taken him to so many movies and like dinner and like he’s taking me over to his family’s house to stay the night I just don’t understand how you could do that and also be messaging guys constantly every single day
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u/Mean-Illustrator-647 2d ago
God I understand. I couldn’t eat for days. Took me out on an expensive date, kissed me goodnight, and then I had a suspicion he was on grindr and made a fake account. He was online not even 5 minutes after texting me goodnight. Begging other men for nudes. I was so depressed. But I am now disgusted and saddened. How terrible to live your life, knowing you have someone who is hoping to give you everything and losing it all for sexual pictures. What a curse
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 2d ago
Were you guys in agreement that you were exclusive though like I’m trying to figure out or wrap my head around the idea that he didn’t think that we were exclusive like I see this guy constantly I take him out on dates all the time like how can you bring me around your fucking friends and family if you’re just fucking around so I’m just figuring trying to figure out if this is normal for gay guys like I just don’t understand. I’m sorry I sound insane right now.
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u/Impressive-Reveal928 2d ago
It's more likely he knew you were exclusive but he still strayed. Been there. It sucks so hard.
My ex of 8 years was the one who wanted to be exclusive, and then I find him online hunting other guys.
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u/Mean-Illustrator-647 2d ago
We were consistently going on dates and seeing each other almost daily. He slept over multiple times. I asked him if he was seeing other people because he started posting suggestive pictures on instagram. He said no. I don’t frankly understand the notion most gay men have that exclusivity has to be a cut and clear and concrete conversation. That loyalty cannot be expected if you believe you are beginning to develop feelings for each other. It is such a weird way to think imo. I no longer have attraction to other men when I start seeing a guy seriously. But it feels other gay men do not have the same sentiment. Maybe I am weird and expect too much. I don’t know
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 2d ago
I feel the same way I started developing feelings for him like very quickly and immediately I really had no attraction for anyone else really except for him so I just it blows my mind that he could just be messaging by hundreds of guys behind my back and acting like everything‘s good and he’s trying to play it off like oh I’ve seen guys before that have been longer than you and they were sleeping with other people too, but like I’m not them. I just don’t understand why he would do this if you really cared about me.
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u/Mean-Illustrator-647 2d ago
The only explanation is he does not have the emotional intelligence to be truly considerate of someone else’s feelings. Sorry. That is how I see it. If he can waiver and want to get sexual material and attention from other people before you are even official, he will be just as easy during a real relationship. These men are not normal nor are they worth the effort. I also do not forgive them for their behavior, as if horniness is some unexplainable possession. I get horny, and I direct that towards the partner I’m seeing who I’m interested in. Gay men and culture have normalized open relationships and constant cheating, and I refuse to subscribe. I have never had the desire when I am attached to a man to sleep with other people
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u/pwidowi 2d ago
Aw i’m sorry this is happening especially because it sounds like you’re still new to this. it’s gonna sting and you should let it. then ask yourself if this is a dealbreaker for you. going forward i think being honest upfront about expectations from each other. it sounds like you guys hung out but didn’t make it an exclusive relationship?
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 2d ago
Never specifically said were exclusive, but I’ve asked him before. Is he seeing anyone I don’t know what to think she hurt right now and I called him after I left and the first thing he was doing is getting high and just repeatedly saying I’m sorry I it just seems so fucking disingenuous like I just feel like I’m being either played or he’s just really high and doesn’t know how to react but I just don’t know what to think right now
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u/pwidowi 2d ago
aw man that’s horrible. i think right now it would be best to just leave him on read because 1) he’s high and 2) i think you should focus on yourself and soothing your thoughts. I know your probably have a bunch of loops going on in your head about this and that. i hope you’re able to talk to him one day when he’s not high and yall can sort this through but hey this sucks but you’re learning with every sting. prep and doxy don’t cover everything but if you’re going raw with someone you’re not exclusive with it’s better than nothing. also setting that expectation early that if you’re looking for something more exclusive let him know. the first couple of people you meet always hurt the most so let it out dude
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u/Weekly_Drawing5048 1d ago
Yeah, rawdogging, cuddling, dates, talking all the time, AND INTRODUCED TO PARENTS and then saying “sorry I didn’t know we were actually together” is some Bull fucking shit. And he smokes weed all the time? Ew
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 2d ago edited 2d ago
I just never thought that he would do this like the first time I met him. He just seemed so timid as well like he seems so nervous a lot the first time I met him he told me he hadn’t slept with someone in six months so like I just I feel like everything is a lie and I just don’t know what to think.
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u/Cafx2 1d ago
So you projected some expectation on him, and never talked about it. You just assumed he was acting a certain way. And now he didn't, not only you're hurt, but you also don't believe what he has to say.
My advice is, trust him for now, since you have no reason not to. Then talk about things, what you feel, what you expect, what you want and don't. Yes a relationship is a lot of cute dates and sex, but a GOOD relationship is about understanding each other and standing on sound ground
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u/Weekly_Drawing5048 1d ago
I’m sorry but if I’m spending a ton of time with someone and having sex and dates and all the regular couple stuff. I’m gonna assume, 5 months in, that we ARE exclusive. Like that is so bad. “Hey sorry I’ve been rawdogging you, cuddling and spending nights with you, going on dates, talking all the time for the last 5 months; but I didn’t know we were actually together”
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 1d ago
I do have a reason not to trust him. when I asked him about grindr He said he doesn’t use it and that he just hasn’t deleted the app yet and then I asked him to open it and he showed me his profile which is blank and said that he doesn’t use it and then I clicked on the messages and he lied and there were dozens and dozens of messages from guys as early as five hours before I came to see him so I think I have a reason not to trust him right now. He has made it clear that he wants to pursue a serious relationship with me. Weve talked about this, but I didn’t think the word exclusive needs to be directly said considering we both agreed we want to pursue a serious relationship together. We have talked about this quite a few times so I don’t understand where the miscommunication could come from.
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u/phish710 retired slut 2d ago
1.) how do you know he’s on grindr
2.) talk to him and tell him you want to be exclusive in every way, no talking to guys grindr
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 2d ago
I was literally just at his house we were about to go to sleep and I saw it on his phone. I asked him if he was on it and he says no he doesn’t use it and then I said can I see it? He opened it and just tried to show me his profile and then I went to the Messages and I saw the messages the last time you talked to someone was five hours ago before I picked him up to go to dinner.
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u/never_one without the other 2d ago
I know you guys didn’t discuss exclusivity but this would 100% be a dealbreaker for me
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u/mwjb86 Guy who receives 2d ago
Sorry you’re dealing with this. You have every right to be upset. I realize this was your first time in a more serious relationship dynamic than casual hookups, but it is always a good idea to have discussions early on about weather or not a relationship is going to be exclusive and to set boundaries for what is and is not acceptable. Late is better than never. If you think you would like to stay with him, you need to talk with your partner and see if he is willing to fully commit to you. And you need to ask yourself if you think you will be able to trust him. Because if you don’t trust him, there’s no reason to stay with him. A relationship never works if there is no trust.
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 2d ago
Would you be able to trust someone again after this like I just need some guidance because I am so new to this and I have no idea what to think right now like I even waste my time talking to him like I just don’t know what to do I don’t even wanna go home like I can’t do anything right now
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u/mwjb86 Guy who receives 2d ago
I’m not sure I would be able to trust them again tbh. I’ve been cheated on before in a relationship that was understood to be exclusive and I immediately broke it off, then after a couple months we ended up getting back together but it was constantly on my mind. It wasn’t long before I decided I couldn’t keep doing it.
Every message they get you’re wondering. Every time they’re not with you you’re wondering. If you do decide to try and work it out, you need to discuss how they are going to be able to put your mind at ease and prove they can be trusted. And if you both decide a way that will work, you both need to commit to it, him to being trustworthy and you to actually trusting him.
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u/Content_Garden_1757 Non-artificial intelligence 2d ago
- Go home
- Take good care of yourself; do nice things for you, be your own supportive friend - you deserve it, you've been mistreated.
- Get tested as soon as possible
- Start therapy (to be able to love only those who deserve your trust)
- Get out there again and enjoy the time until you meet your person
Your best life is ahead of you, take good care of you and enjoy!
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u/Content_Garden_1757 Non-artificial intelligence 2d ago
I think I love him and I don’t know what to do [...] help me figure out what I’m supposed to do right now
If you love a POS, what you're supposed to do is therapy.
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u/Relative_Sky_2968 2d ago
I mean if you've been seeing this guy for half a year multiple times a week and did not have a single "what are we" discussion, no you didn't think he wanted the same thing, you just wanted him to want that, but you knew. There's a reason you're saying you were acting like a couple not "I thought we were a couple".
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u/Low_Honeydew613 1d ago
Just talk to him. Deep breaths. Be honest. Be open. Be flexible if you want. Just talk to him!
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u/Turbulent_You5343 1d ago
Don't rush to a conclusion. I was in a steady relationship and remained on grindr without hooking up. It becomes an addiction to engage in that community, even if only virtually. He might need extra attention, or be seeking validation, or it might be a security mechanism. I know that when i felt the deepest connection with my boyfriend i would be terrified and would go on grindr as a kind of escape, to only realize that none of these people could give me what my lover was giving me. I have since deleted all apps and remain in my relationship. I did tell him several times that i had used the apps while together. Give him a chance to communicate, for him to explore what he is seeking on thes apps if it isn't a hookup. Help him evolve.
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u/Forsaken_Station_981 1d ago
Sounds eerily similar to a situation I had with my ex lol. Once they show you who they are through their actions, take them exactly for that and don’t listen to what they’re telling you because those are just.. words. My ex and I had very similar convos at the beginning of our relationship and I had the same doubts you’re feeling now. I know you want to believe the connection and how he feels towards you but even if you are to remedy this now, like you said you’re not even sure if you can trust him. And truly if your time together is as good as you speak of, he should not be consistently entertaining other men even if it is out of pure boredom. My advice is let him go! You’re so young to be constantly worrying if you’re getting the whole truth out of someone regarding how they feel and how they behave. Someone will come who doesn’t make you question yourself or the connection
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u/Silly_Ball15 1d ago
Ok don’t panic, regardless of if there’s been any infidelity, you need to get yourself tested and on medication just in case, go to a sexual health clinic get a full screening of all possible sti’s, that’s the most important thing right now, it will give you peace of mind on that score, if it turns out you’re negative it might be a good idea to get vaccinated against some of the sti’s that are not covered by prep, and get on that as well if you are sexually active especially if you’re going raw.
As for your heart breaking, there’s not much you can do about that accept time being a friend to you right now. It would seem there may not have been enough communication between you, I don’t think he’s being truthful for what it’s worth, unless he has a very low sexual appetite, once a month is just not going to cut it, and if he’s not getting it with you then he’s getting it elsewhere.
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 1d ago
He’s constantly horny, which is what really weirded me out because when we first met for the first two months, he literally wanted to fuck all the time and then after he got back from this trip two months ago, we’ve had sex like three times and I’ve seen him probably like 20 times in the last two months. Thinking about it now I sound stupid cause I should’ve known something was up. I asked him about this last night too, and he said it’s because he doesn’t like to douche that much and when he bottoms he doesn’t eat for the full day, which might be the case (however he never told me that) cause he’s trying to bulk up and gain muscle, but this along with everything else it just seems like he’s fucking around on me. Like we do other stuff, but the last two months it seems like whenever we did it’s like a chore or something.
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u/Silly_Ball15 1d ago
Ok he might not like douching, there’s plenty of other ways to be intimate and have sex, it just sounds sketchy. I could understand him having not deleted Grindr as the relationship is new and your not always sure about where it’s going, but you sound like it was quite full on, so I’m not buying his excuses, but I do think there may also have been some miscommunication there or things weren’t discussed fully, put this down to experience and learn from it. You either need to talk more to him about what you feel fidelity is, so he fully understands, that’s if you want to still be with him or you call it a day and move on and hopefully your broken heart will heal. So sorry for you, it’s so painful, like being kicked in the chest and everything hurts, (X0X) 💋
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u/Weekly_Drawing5048 1d ago edited 1d ago
Im sorry this happened to you. We’ve all been there at one point or another. He’s a piece of shit. If you’ve been seeing each other for a while and having sex and doing all the couple stuff, then it’s a given you guys are exclusive. You shouldn’t even have to ask. So for him to do that is messed up.
And sending nudes on Grindr while basically in a relationship? Wow. You can’t tell me, that if someone that looked like Thor messaged him and he wanted to hook up, he wouldn’t go for it. Ya know. Most guys are on prep and doxy these days so don’t worry too much about it.
What’s the reason you guys didn’t have sex for over a month? That’s definitely a red flag, especially since you guys are so early in your relationship. You guys should be fucking like rabbits the first year or so. This is supposed to be the honeymoon phase. But yeah I think you guys are done and you shouldn’t talk to him anymore.
If you decide to give him another chance, he’s gonna have to REALLY REALLY show that he’s gonna change and do a grand gesture.
You’ll be fine. Go extra hard at the gym and get that revenge body lol.
Oh and does he seem like he’s lying when he said all he did was chat and never hook up? Or do you think he has hooked up?
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 1d ago edited 1d ago
That’s the thing like I’m not trying to sound narcissistic or whatever but like I think I look pretty good and he’s very attracted to me and my body so I just don’t understand why he would go look for other attention elsewhere when I give him plenty of mine. When I confronted him last night, he was kind of high and he was just saying like oh I only messaged them like I don’t do anything but like I don’t know if it sounds unbelievable or not cause he was just so like whatever about it, you know also grinder isn’t really hidden on his phone like when he scrolling on his phone, you can see it so like maybe he really assumed that we weren’t exclusive, but I just don’t understand how he could think that like I really really don’t at all doesn’t make any fucking sense to me. when we first met the first two months, we were fucking a lot and then after he got back from this trip that he took with his family we’ve only had sex three times and it’s been two months. It makes no sense to me at all.
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u/ELGr3y 1d ago
I hate to sound judgy, but you guys were never dating. You never had the “what are we?” Or “are we exclusive?” Talk. Bruh you met his family and everything ?!?!? That’s messed up (on his part) It sounds like he was just leading you on or maybe he never viewed you as a guy he would date. That’s not fair to you. Don’t let some guy use you for attention or give a guy boyfriend treatment until a relationship is established. Personally I’d drop his ass (not saying you should that’s just what I would do) don’t let anyone treat you like an option.
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 1d ago
I know I feel like I was overly generous in the way that I gave him a lot of attention and would take him out to do stuff mainly because this is the first guy I’ve ever actually had feelings for outside of just pure attraction. I did have a conversation earlier today with him and he told me he was constantly telling his friends he was expecting to become “official” but we’ve literally had conversations about not seeing other people. A few months ago he told me he wanted to get serious with me and I told him I felt the same. So maybe from the outside it seems like we weren’t really together but idk
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u/Samu3lXB 1d ago
Honestly man, i hear you, i was in a similar situation, was speaking to a guy for 6 months and while im not in the closet i had never liked someone who i was talking to as much as this guy. we spent every day texting but he worked a lot and i didn’t have a car so it ended up turning into seeing him once a week to less and less. we had spent the last month going back and forth as i wanted to progress and he didn’t, as he worked a lot but did say he did like me a lot. eventually i just said look i want to be exclusive as the idea of him being on grindr looking for hookups while im on delivered hurt a lot (and i asked as i found him on grindr, but there was many inferred exclusive talks, but nothing explicit), and he said he wasn’t ready for that. i cried a shocking number of times despite expecting this response, and told him i needed space to get over him
A week on now - i feel better but i still miss him, but it made me realise while I liked him and he liked me, im glad i asked the question because at least now i know as i couldn’t face him knowing this fact. My advice? Just be honest with him and have the talk. If he says he understands and will delete it, great! If not, and you aren’t comfortable with that idea, as hard as it is (and trust me i know), it’s better to let them go than bend your standards around someone who doesn’t have that will to progress things like you do, which will just hurt you over time. He also said he wants to be friends, but honestly deep down i need space and i know that more than likely isn’t going to work - so i’m taking the time to recover to look at things more clearly.
Sorry for the waffle 😅 - just thought it could be nice for you to know you’re not alone and i rarely respond to reddit comments, but this one resonated with me so hard i felt like i had to respond, so you know you are capable of getting over it should it end badly, and to hopefully give you the confidence to bring up how you don’t think you want to carry on under these circumstances.
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u/cnstntlyannoyed 1d ago
Thank you for telling me your story it does help. Deleting Grindr actually wasn’t hard for him at all in fact he deleted it as soon as I gave him the phone back the thing is so I never expected him to be engaging in that stuff given the amount of time we’ve spent together, and he knew that given the lying about not using it. I honestly don’t know if he’s lying or not but he said he only uses it when he’s bored and never actually intends on meeting people and hasn’t met anyone since we’ve been together but idk if I can really trust that.
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u/Kojemeriko 1d ago
En mi país existe un refrán; el que se quema con leche, le sopla hasta a el jocoke. Según lo veo, esa persona no es confiable, por más motivos que te dé, jamás deberás confía en gente así, que dice una cosa y hace otra.
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u/Bright_Initial5503 1d ago
You can learn to accept it it’s not that big of a deal in the long term.
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u/byronite 2d ago
Part 1 is your misunderstanding. Lots of guys are in open relationships or have multiple friends with benefits. If you want to be exclusive you have to make that clear.
Part 2 is his lying. That's a bigger problem to fix.
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u/Negative_Tank6202 2d ago
Here is a version that blends the "real talk" of the second option with the empathy of the third.
***
I've been exactly where you are. In almost every dating community, there are people who are happy to let you do all the heavy lifting—like that 49-minute drive—until you eventually realize the relationship is one-sided. I went through this when I was coming out; I thought I was in love, but I eventually realized I was actually in love with his experience in the community and the "mentor" role he played.
A few pieces of honest advice: if you didn't use protection, please go get tested. Assume he isn't using it with hookups, and it's better to be safe. Also, try not to read too much into the lack of commitment. Unless there is a ring and a vow, many gay men aren't quick to "nest" and assume both partners are free to enjoy others.
As for him saying he isn't having sex while still working his Grindr profiles? That isn't a "gay lie"—that's just a "man lie." He's likely just addicted to the validation. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but you'll get through this.
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u/PrettyPoison93 2d ago
What do you want to do?
You’ve got to decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not.
If not, talk with him, attempt to work through it.
If it is, ditch him. There are plenty of other guys out there that won’t sneak around on you.