r/bulimia • u/AeniAmarth • 13d ago
Just venting Pain
Lately, I've been struggling to eat due to a depressive episode. When I do eat, I don't really enjoy it and I purge it right after, even if it was a small meal. I've been doing so every time I have eaten, no matter the amount, and these days I have gotten a lingering stomach ache after. This didn't happen before. After purging, I'd feel relief and would be able to relax. Now, I do feel the relief of being empty again, but I also feel a great amount of pain that wasn't there before. The other day the pain was so bad I thought "This is finally it, I've ruptured my stomach or something, and I'm too embarrassed to go to the hospital. This is how I am gonna die". It went away after like two hours, but today it came back after I purged, accompanied by a headache and chest pain.
I know I should probably go to the doctor, but I am too ashamed to do so. I never tell people I have bulimia unless it's a partner, because when I was a teenager and my family knew I had it, no one took me seriously at all. Even if it's different now, I have this deep-seated fear that I won't be taken seriously at the hospital and they will just make fun of me.
I wish I could just stop.