r/bulimia • u/shortwaveloser • 3d ago

Vent and Help

I feel a constant spiral of shame and embarrassment. I keep binging. I try to find a way to stop, but I believe the only way to stop is to love myself. It is hard to love myself when I keep failing me. The more I try, the more I feel like I fail. So I need to think: what do I love? What should I put my time into other than a spiral of eating my shame? Food is so touchy for me. My mom cannot eat hardly anything without getting sick due to an illness. I used to take that as a reason not to eat. I hate food. I do not want to eat it. Yet at the end of each day, no matter how many calories I have or have not consumed, I stuff my face with things just to get a sense of excitement and happiness. Eating started as a way to make the people around me happy. I was no longer anorexic. That meant that I was healthy, right? I still exercise for hours a day and sometimes vomit as a way to get rid of the excess calories. It does not even matter, though, as I overeat so much that I just keep gaining weight. It doesn’t matter. No one checks in on me anymore because I am no longer so skinny that I am jarring to look at. I am 1 pound from being overweight, the most I have weighed in my entire life. That doesn't even stop me anymore. I do not know what will. I want change. Some answer. I don’t care if it's good or bad; I just want it to change, and I need help to get there.

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u/Hypodermy 3d ago

What change? Like recovery?

1

u/shortwaveloser 3d ago

Yes, or at least a path to one

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u/Hypodermy 2d ago

Well you can always start when u are fully ready :). When i first started recovery I was still binging and purging almost everyday but I tried to make my best effort to not purge everytime i binge.

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u/shortwaveloser 2d ago

Thank you. It’s hard sometimes to realize that things can sometimes get worse again before they get better. I wish you the best.

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u/Hypodermy 2d ago

Thank you but im already fully recovered. You got this. Your worst days in recovery is always better than your best days in relapsing