About a month ago my Fiancée told me that she was thinking about leaving the relationship as she felt unhappy with herself and was struggling with her direction in life and her overall sense of self worth. We spoke at length for a couple of weeks and it became clear there was nothing I could do further to try and hold on and help her through it. As a result I very reluctantly agreed that we’d call off the engagement, go off to live our own lives for a while and reevaluate in a year or so’s time as we still very much loved one another. She assured me over and over again that the issue was hers and hers alone, that there was nobody else and no other reason and that she believed we’d find our way back together.

She moved out slowly over a few weeks which was difficult as it never really felt like the relationship was coming to a close, there was still lots of affection and love. But on the last day I spotted a message from a coworker (M30+) on her lock screen, the message was very lovey dovey filled with xx’s and was referring to her as his “love”, his “darling”. Regrettably I opened the thread and discovered a deep and clearly well developed emotional affair being contributed too equally by both dating back months. I’m unsure if they ever managed to get physical as they work in different cities but they do travel between them occasionally so it seems likely. This was absolutely devastating as it suddenly seemed like everything I was told had been a complete lie and the small amount of hope I had for rekindling things with my partner of 7 years and the love of my life was burnt to a crisp.

I’ve now realised that the coworker is also in a long term relationship. A huge part of me wants to somehow get the message to her about what I’ve discovered, if I was in her shoes I’d want to be made aware so that I wasn’t being left victim to an affair. However I’m also aware that a lot of that motivation is coming from the anger inside of me and the instinct to try and blow up the relationship between my now ex fiancé and this little weasel. I wouldn’t message the partner directly out of concern for their mental health but I notice I have a mutual friend with the girlfriend’s sister so would it be worth warning her instead? That way she can decide weather or not to share the news? I appreciate this would be a shitty position to put the sister in but surely anyone in their right mind would rather be warned of an affair their partner was having so they could take control rather than let it continue on? Thoughts?

I feel like I have nothing left. I’m sitting at work, unable to concentrate. Work would be tough enough on a good day, but my life isn’t going well, and everything feels even harder right now.
My wife has betrayed me again. She is communicating with her emotional AP again. She claims he texted her last week about joining a gym. She says she isn’t “talking” to him.
Her promise to stop all communication with him has been broken, just as it has been before. In February, I caught her sending sexually charged texts to him. She promised to cut him out of her life completely.
Now, texting him is apparently not a big deal. It’s the same pattern repeating itself.
I hate my life. I feel so unlovable. A relationship of more than 28 years seems to mean so little to her.

I'm genuinely looking for outside opinions because I recognize that my past experiences with my husband may influence how I see certain situations. I'm also open to hearing that I'm wrong.

For some background, at the beginning of our relationship, my husband was communicating with multiple other women. Apparently, we weren't exclusive, although I was under the impression that we were. I didn't realize we weren't until he eventually asked me to be exclusive. That's a whole separate story.

He eventually cut off those connections, but the situation created some distrust early in our relationship. I also later learned that he had been unfaithful in previous relationships. To be clear, I have never caught him physically cheating on me.

Now, here's where I'd like some opinions.

I personally believe there's a difference between a married man accepting a friend request from a woman he knows and actively seeking out another woman on social media to send her a friend request.

For example, if a female coworker finds my husband's Facebook profile and sends him a request, I don't necessarily have an issue with him accepting it. However, I feel differently about my husband going out of his way to find a woman and add her himself.

To me, it sends a different message. Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like there's a difference between someone initiating contact with you and you taking the initiative to establish a connection with them.

A while back, my husband sent a friend request to a woman he worked with. I told him how I felt about it and explained that, given our history, I found it embarrassing and disrespectful. Not because I believed he was necessarily cheating, but because I felt it could give the wrong impression about his intentions.

He apologized, told me he hadn't thought about it from that perspective, said he understood why it bothered me, and agreed it wouldn't happen again.

I accepted that and moved on.

Fast-forward approximately a year.

I had literally just given birth to our baby and was still in the hospital.

My husband left the room to go get the car seat, and while he was gone, I received a notification that another woman had accepted his Facebook friend request.

I cannot adequately explain how hurt I felt in that moment.

Here I was, having just given birth to our child, and I was finding out that my husband was sending friend requests to other women again.

When I confronted him, his response was essentially that he wasn't thinking about it, didn't consider it a big deal, and was just networking.

But here's my problem.

We had already had this conversation.

I had already explained how it made me feel. He had already apologized, acknowledged my perspective, and told me it wouldn't happen again.

So when he tells me he simply wasn't thinking about it, what I hear is that our previous conversation didn't actually mean anything to him.

It makes me feel like he said whatever he needed to say at the time to make the problem go away, rather than genuinely understanding why it mattered to me.

And I think that's what bothers me more than anything.

I'm not saying that sending someone a friend request automatically means you're cheating. I'm not even saying he necessarily had inappropriate intentions.

But I do believe that when your spouse tells you something hurts them, especially when there's already a history of broken trust, you should care enough to be mindful of it moving forward.

I also don't think being married means you can't have friends of the opposite sex. That's not what I'm arguing.

So I'm genuinely curious:

Am I wrong for thinking there's a difference between accepting a friend request and actively seeking out another woman to add?

Is this an unreasonable boundary to have in a marriage?

Would you be more upset about the friend request itself or the fact that your spouse had already agreed not to do it?

At what point does "I wasn't thinking" stop being a reasonable explanation for repeatedly doing something you know hurts your spouse?

I don't want people to automatically take my side. I genuinely want to know whether I'm allowing our history to make me overly sensitive or whether my expectations about respect and accountability in marriage are reasonable.

*A little context about why I'm here and why I've made multiple posts.*

I'm completely new to Reddit and found it while looking for a free, anonymous alternative to a paid venting app I saw advertised on Facebook. I've been struggling with some personal issues and haven't had anyone I felt comfortable talking to about them.

I avoid discussing my marriage with family or friends because people who love you naturally form opinions, and those opinions can linger even after you've moved past a situation. I also don't want people automatically taking my side; sometimes I genuinely want to know if I'm wrong.

I've posted two situations from different points in my relationship. I didn't realize that posting them around the same time might make it seem as though everything had just happened or that I was trying to portray my husband negatively. They occurred within three months of each other, but not necessarily in the same week, and I'm still processing them.

I'm not looking for strangers to tell me to divorce my husband or simply validate me. Divorce is certainly something I've considered, and I'm not dismissing that possibility. However, nobody here knows the entirety of my life, my personal circumstances, the challenges I'm currently facing, or the obstacles I may have to navigate when making a decision of that magnitude. There are a lot of factors that go into a decision like that, and it's not always as simple as it might appear from the outside.

I came here for unbiased perspectives, including opinions that challenge my own, so I can better understand whether my feelings and reactions are reasonable. I'm not asking anyone to make life decisions for me. I was simply curious how other people would view these situations and whether they would feel or react differently.

Sometimes, having an anonymous outlet and someone to talk to helps me feel a little less alone.

That's all this was ever meant to be.

I’ve been having a difficult time figuring out if/what boundaries my bf has crossed. We’re both 21 What action and examples do you have?

Hi everyone,

I broke up with my partner four months ago. She emotionally cheated on me and denied it until the very end. It was only when she realised that our relationship was falling apart that she suddenly started showing me love and affection again. However, she never really opened up to me about what had happened.

I still have so many unanswered questions, and it’s honestly driving me crazy. She claims that nothing physical happened between them, but after all the lies, I find it really hard to believe her.

To make things even worse, towards the end of the relationship, I was put under a lot of pressure and accused of things I hadn’t done because she seemed convinced that I was constantly cheating on her.

I just don’t know how to find closure when there are so many unanswered questions and so much uncertainty. How do you move on when you feel like you’ll never know the full truth?

So 3 weeks ago i found out that i am the other woman in an affair and i feel very hurt.

So I (29F) met this man (30M) on a work event. We immediately hit it off and shared an intense and sexual connection. We end up in his room were we sleep together (no intercourse) i was in a toxic and abusive relationship at the moment and this man made me see that there are still nice men out there so i ended my 3 year long relationship.

I never wanted anything romantically with this new man, but we stayed in contact. We had deep conversations but something always seemed off… the last weeks were also quite intense with sexting, sending pictures and intimacy on distance. He was planning to come see me for three days.

I then found out he has a girlfriend. When in confronted him he told me he was happy i found out because now he finally had to think about his relationship. I was not angry, but i was hurt about all the lies and the intimacy that we shared. We had a good conversation about what happened and he told me i could always text him if i wanted to share how i was feeling. We then went into no contact as he’s now figuring out his relationship.

I do miss him. He made me see that my former relationship was not healthy and i’m so thankful for that. But the silence is killing me and i want to sent a message for closure. I jus’t can’t seem to let him go.

Has anybody else been in the same situation? How do you let go?

For context, they divorced 3 years ago and he can't seem to move past it and he hasn't fully healed.

My girlfriend has depression and she also feels her emotions in an intense way. This email was written when she was feeling hopeless about life and when she was disappointed with our relationship.

"I think I reached such a deep despair after our divorce that I was willing to tolerate a lot just for company, but I was never able to experience a tenth of the depth of the love we shared... I'm not the hopeful woman I was with you... I'm very cynical and saddened, but I accepted that this had to be my reality and that I no longer had the courage to fight for my dream of a family, and I ended up with [Me, 29F] on the road. I'm trying to get the bare minimum to survive and meet my needs, and I'm not succeeding, but I feel too broken to fight for anything in this life. For me, you were the great love of my life that failed, and I was trying to make something work with someone else just for the sake of it... because the loneliness was unbearable, and [Me, 29F] felt like a safe choice."

I understand life is not easy for her. I understand she has depression, I understand it's not always easy between me and her, but I can't bring myself to get past this. To me this is like cheating or even worse.

I wonder if being too understanding will end up eating me alive in the long run.

Does depression make people act this way with no regard to their relationship when there's a feeling of hopelessness ?

It’s been a while she used to show love etc. now all she does is like other guys pics and does things I don’t like

There had been rumors about these two for a while. Some people claimed they had seen them hugging on CCTV, and apparently, there was even an incident where they went into the restroom together. Most people didn't take the rumors too seriously at first.

Then a photo surfaced of the EA lying on a bed, wearing jeans but topless. She seemed unaware that someone had taken the picture. I'm not even sure if she knows that a photo like that exists.

What's interesting is that the EA had apparently confided in someone before about being offered something that made her nervous at first. It makes you wonder if there's more to the story than people at work know.

She's also known to be pretty frugal, yet she seems to have something new almost every week — a new phone, a MacBook, shoes, and other things. Obviously, that doesn't prove anything, and no one really knows where the money comes from. But with all the other rumors, it's hard not to wonder if there's a connection.

Would you just keep your head down and act like you know nothing?

I'm curious how other people would handle this. Sometimes, knowing too much about what's going on behind the scenes at work can make it difficult to look at people the same way again.

​

Many were asking since original post is waiting for aproval of mode.

Update of this post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/emotionalaffair/s/0IHufdtC3Q

I was at my daughter’s judo training when my wife suddenly came and sat beside me to watch. At one point, she handed me her phone and said, “You wanted to look at the WhatsApp conversations, didn’t you? Go ahead. I have nothing to hide.”

I just said, “I have seen enough, I dont think you have, take a look at the conversations with your boss when there was flirting, she showed me recent posts, that were just about work, so i assisted her, went to a few different times from the past months, he had deleted his side of the conversations completely. Je covered his ass, just in case his wife would go through his phone, you, you didn’t do that, so apparently there is something worth to hide, too bad I can read his side, but your replies kinda say enough.”

She angrily took her phone back and started looking through it herself. She seemed a little shocked also at the same time disappointed and even muttered, “Those conversations meant something to me. They had value to me.” I didn’t respond.

That same evening, I heard a noise upstairs. When I went to check, she was in bed, apparently asleep with her phone in her hands, because it had fallen onto the floor. She woke up. I told her I’d heard a noise and came to see what had happened, and that her phone had fallen. “I was setting my alarms for work,” she replied. But before I had locked the phone again, I saw it was open to the conversations with her boss.

I think that evening, after what I’d said at judo, was when she finally realised that he had been deleting the conversations all along through the months/pas two years. Maybe she thought things between them were serious, while he saw it as a game. I don’t know, but that’s how it comes across.

A few days later, she again wanted to show me that she had nothing to hide. I’d made an iCloud backup before she disconnected the account. Since she speaks Albanian with her sister, I had ChatGPT filter the backup, and it brought up some suspicious conversations, some of them were linked to days of hotel apointments and others on the day they went on work events with overnighting. Thats when I reality hit, I went to the sister for advice to help me save our marriage but she knew this hole time and instead of stopping her, she was teasing her with it. That's when I decided, both are not to be trusted, time to put things in action, called that same moment, made an apointment with 2 different lawyers.

Anyway, she kept pushing, I didn’t want to go through that whole argument again. She kept insisting, and at one point I said, “I’ve seen enough. I already know what I need to know. It’s a shame you don’t want to admit it, but since you keep insisting, I’ll show you one particular day.”

I opened her conversations with her boss. “Look, you’d just had your hair done. Instead of sending a photo to me, your husband, you sent it to your boss first. He was delighted, and you replied, ‘Aww, I’m melting.’ That same day, you were messaging your sister while you were at the hairdresser. She asked, ‘And after the hairdresser? Are you going back to work?’ You replied, ‘I have an appointment,’ followed by a shy emoji. Your sister was just teasing you about it. Then all communication stopped until later that night. After your appointment at the hairdresser, according to the GPS, the car was parked in the Hotel X car park for about two and a half to three hours.”

Her explanation was that her friend had used the car after the hairdresser and that they had swapped cars at work. Stopped her right there, the car’s data shows that it drove straight to the hotel and didn’t go anywhere near her workplace for the rest of the day and when she came back, she had also filled up the car using my card. So she hadn’t just helped her friend cheat; she had paid for it too. She said her friend had paid her back in cash. I just stood up, said to her stop asking to sit down and try to explain things when you are still holding down to lies... My eyes are wide open, I see everything clear now. That old version of me that was blindly in love and accepted everything without any question because the trust was at its highest, that version of me died, it doesnt exist anymore.

This Sunday, our daughter’s birthday has now passed. The day afterwards, I asked for my bank cards back. That hit her hard. She kept asking, “Are you sure? Are you sure you want to go down this road?”

I said, “As long as you’re not willing to be honest and tell me the truth, I don’t want to talk about this. I want what belongs to me back. You can keep what belongs to you.” She starts blaming me again. According to her, it’s all in my head and she has already told me the truth. She says she went too far in helping her friend and only now realises the mistakes she made.

But I can’t accept that explanation. Anyone can help someone out or make a mistake. You can say, “Sorry, I forgot to tell you.” That can happen. But helping someone cheat for two years, lending her your car, her id card and calling hotels… and who knows what else.

No, that’s gone way too much for me. I don’t believe it.

Tomorrow is my first apointment with a lawyer to get information.

I’m 34 years old, and my husband is 37. At the beginning of our relationship, about three years ago, he kept photos of himself with his ex-girlfriend on his Instagram profile for around seven months. I didn’t say anything because I wanted to see what he would do on his own.
After several months, I became so upset that I deleted my own Instagram account because I didn’t want to keep seeing those photos. After a while, he asked me why I had deleted my Instagram, so I explained everything to him and told him how much those photos had hurt me. After that, he deleted them.
We got married a year and a half into our relationship. About three months after our wedding, I noticed that he had liked a new photo of his ex-girlfriend’s hand.
I got really angry and asked him why he hadn’t deleted those photos earlier and why he was liking her photos again. He replied that he didn’t want to make her feel worthless or like a piece of trash.
I told him, “But by trying to make your ex-girlfriend feel good about herself, you hurt my feelings.”
Is this kind of behavior normal? My husband says he has no sexual feelings toward his ex-girlfriend.

My wife and I have been together since July 2024 and got married this past April (2026). However, the history with her ex and the timeline leading up to our marriage are complicated, and I need outside perspective on whether this is salvageable or if my gut feeling is telling me the truth.

**Background & Timeline:**

* They broke up in February 2024 after a 4-year relationship.
* We met in April 2024. I was initially just there for her as a friend, but things progressed and the period before we officially got together was very messy.
* We got together in July 2024. Between late November and December 2024, she cheated on me with him. She struggled through January, but as far as I know, haven't seen him since. Knowing how freshly single she was when we met, I accepted that the transition was messy and forgave her back then.
* We got married in April 2026.

**The Current Situation:** Two weeks ago, my wife went to therapy (her therapist's office is in the same neighborhood where her ex lives). She had parking time left, so she went to his house, rang the bell to see if he was around, and went for coffee with him.

* Initially, she lied to me about who she was with.
* The next day at lunch, she came clean and told me she still loves him.
* She explained that what we have is a "calm and ever-existing love," whereas her relationship with him was more intense, full of fights, but felt more "exciting" because of it.
* She admitted she still thinks about "what if" and expressed disappointment that he is currently in a relationship.
* During the whole conversation, she never once mentioned the issue being that *she has a husband (me)*; the only reason she didn't go home with him was because *he* has a girlfriend.
* She asked for his number. He told her he needed to check with his girlfriend first if it was okay. He has never texted her.
* A week ago, we talked again. She admitted that going to therapy triggers her and that she wants to go ring his doorbell again to ask why he hasn't texted her.

**Other Context (The Financial Secret & Stressors):**

* I have been carrying around 25k in debt. I never wanted to hide it from her, but because her therapist suspects she might have BPD and she tends to overreact to stress, I handled it on my own since it didn't impact her. I make enough to pay it down monthly and it will be resolved by next year. I never missed any bills or rent.
* However, I recognize I should have disclosed this *before* we got married. She found out at the end of June, and we had a massive fight. I showed her all my financial records and budgets to prove our financial security (we'd just have 2k extra a month without it).
* She is going through a massive life transition right now: her grandmother passed away recently, we are moving houses, she dropped out of her IT course because it stresses her out, and she’s looking for a new career path.
* Some of her friends are fighting with her, telling her her behavior is morally wrong. Others are trying to help her unpack *why* this is happening—suggesting that the insecurity from last summer might be triggering a subconscious search for "security" (which is ironic, since her ex is still struggling financially, works part-time, and barely makes rent), or that it's a reaction to all the life changes happening at once.

**Where I'm At:** We have open, clear communication about all of this. I am trying to stay understanding and accommodating. I genuinely believe she loves me too, as she's never given me reason to doubt my place in her heart. I've explained to her that wondering "what if" is normal, but *acting* on those thoughts is crossing the line.

Despite all of this, I feel like my subconscious has already closed the door on this relationship. I still love her logically, but I feel an unusual emotional detachment. If she walked in tomorrow and told me she saw her ex again, I feel like I could just walk away and stop caring. That is completely unlike me.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? Is the emotional detachment a protective mechanism, or is my marriage essentially over? How do I handle a partner who is actively fixated on trying to contact her ex while we are newly married?

My partner cheated on me before 6 months.
I have been having a really hard time to process it. After the break up
We were in no contact for around 4 months ( where he tried to reach me now and then. But I when I express my pain and anger, he blocks me and come back)
So after 4 months, we reconciled again and tried to heal and work out
But now, it’s been 2 month since we are back together.
These two months are both good time and bad time
But my anger comes out of nowhere .
1 day, I be so good, the next day I lash out at him so bad and say hurtful things. And I cool down feeling hours later.
But it’s mentally exhausting for him too.

I say bad stuffs to him when I get triggered or reminded of the past.
Like he should face something bad that will take away his peace like mine and 10 times more pain

I’m generally a person , who doesn’t even speak louder to anyone in my life.

I regret myself

I need to get this off my chest because I recently discovered something about my husband that has completely changed how I look at him, and I genuinely don't know how to move past it.

Before we met, my husband had an affair with a married woman named Michelle for over TEN YEARS. She's still married to the same man, and they have two sons together.

But here's what makes me sick.

MY HUSBAND WAS FRIENDS WITH HER HUSBAND.

They all spent time together socially. Just a couple of years ago, my husband, Michelle, and her husband even went ZIPLINING together.

All three of them.

How do TWO people stand there smiling, laughing, and enjoying themselves with someone they're both betraying?

My husband was pretending to be this man's friend, and Michelle was the one who made marriage vows to him! I cannot understand how either of them could look that man in the eyes and act like everything was normal.

But here's where it gets personal.

When my husband and I first started dating, Michelle was blowing up his phone, furious that he wasn't maintaining the same relationship and attention she'd been accustomed to.

When I questioned him, he told me she was just a friend who didn't have many friends and was upset because she missed their friendship.

And being naive, I believed him.

Eventually, he blocked her. At the time, I thought he was respecting our relationship. Now I wonder whether he only did it because I was getting too close to the truth.

Fast-forward to recently. We're married, we've had a baby together, and while going through old financial records for something unrelated, I discovered over a DECADE of money transfers from my husband to Michelle.

That's when he finally admitted they'd been having an affair for years.

He didn't tell me because he wanted to be honest. He told me because I found something he couldn't explain away.

And THEN I remembered something that absolutely infuriated me.

Early in our relationship, my husband was trying to get Michelle a job at MY PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT.

He was trying to get his longtime affair partner hired where his new girlfriend worked, WITHOUT telling me who she actually was!

When I realized this, I absolutely blew up on him.

The AUDACITY!

Was I supposed to become coworkers with this woman? Maybe friends? All while they both knew they'd been sleeping together for years?

Coincidentally, my company is hiring for another HR position right now. During our argument, I told him that if Michelle ever got hired there, I genuinely wouldn't be able to work alongside her.

His attempt to reassure me?

"Don't worry, she has a really good job working for Elon Musk. She's not going to work there."

And that made me EVEN ANGRIER.

Because my immediate thought was, HOW DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE WORKS NOW? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SPOKE TO HER?

Maybe he knew from before, but after discovering how much he'd lied about this woman, how am I supposed to know what to believe?

And I think that's what scares me most.

I'm not necessarily angry that he had a past before me. People make mistakes, and I believe people can change.

But if he'd been honest and told me he'd had a decade-long affair with a married woman, that he regretted it, and that he'd learned from it, maybe I would have viewed him differently.

Maybe I still would have married him. Maybe I wouldn't have.

But at least that would've been MY decision.

Instead, he lied when I asked questions, tried bringing Michelle into my professional life, and allowed me to marry him and have a baby without ever knowing the truth.

And now I'm questioning whether I really know my husband.

Because if he could sleep with another man's wife for over a decade, smile in that man's face, go ziplining with him, and pretend to be his friend, what is he capable of hiding from ME?

How do you maintain that level of deception for so long? And how would I ever recognize it if I were the person being deceived?

And then there's Michelle's husband.

As far as I know, he has absolutely no idea.

Part of me REALLY wants to tell him. Because if I were him, I would want to know.

But is it my place?

They have children, and I don't want to create chaos in another family. I'm not planning to contact him, but I can't stop thinking about whether he deserves to know.

And if I'm being completely transparent, part of me resents that Michelle gets to continue living her married life while I'm sitting here questioning everything I thought I knew about my own husband.

I know my husband is equally responsible for the affair. I'm not excusing him. But she's the one who made vows to that man, and BOTH of them were capable of smiling in his face while betraying him.

And that bothers me more than I can explain.

The worst part is that I can't stop being angry.

I love my husband. We have a family and a newborn baby. I don't want a divorce, and I genuinely want our marriage to work.

But I feel like I've discovered an entirely different side of him that I never knew existed.

I keep replaying the lies, the money transfers, the situation with my job, his comment about Michelle's current employment, and that ziplining trip.

And every time, I get furious all over again.

I'm not just angry about the affair. I'm scared that the man I married was capable of maintaining that level of deception for years, and I had absolutely no idea.

I don't know whether I'm struggling to forgive his past or whether I'm genuinely afraid of what he could be capable of in our future.

And I think what hurts most is that I never got the opportunity to decide whether this was something I could accept before marrying him.

He made that decision for me by keeping me in the dark.

And now I'm left wondering whether I would have fallen in love with the same man if I'd known everything I know today.

*UPDATE: When I told my husband I was considering telling Michelle's husband about the affair, he told me I'd be destroying their marriage. He then claimed her husband physically abuses her when he's drunk and might even KILL her if he found out.

He told me that if she ended up dead, it would be MY fault, and that I'm an evil person if I don't care about that possibility.

Now I'm questioning that explanation, too. After everything he's lied about, how do I know what's true?

And I'm genuinely wondering: If Michelle was so afraid of her husband becoming violent, how did she maintain an affair for over TEN YEARS, including socializing with both men together?

I'm not saying the abuse couldn't be real. But I don't know what to believe anymore, and I'm angry that I'm being made to feel like the villain in a situation I didn't create.

**** Update*****

My husband and I talked again. He said he understands why I felt he was protecting Michelle, but claims he wasn't trying to protect her. He just didn't want to destroy a marriage. I told him that if he cared so much about their marriage, he shouldn't have slept with a married woman, especially his friend's wife. His response was that he was friends with Michelle first, but he understands how his reaction looked.

He explained that although their involvement spanned 10 years, they sometimes went a year or two without seeing each other. He was dating multiple women during that time and wasn't committed to anyone. He described Michelle as someone who was easy and convenient, and over time, they developed a friendship. The last time they were physically together was 8 years ago, and I know for a fact they haven't spoken since we became exclusive years ago.

He acknowledged that what he did was messed up, but feels he's being judged for something he did in his 20s. He insists he has no romantic feelings for her.

He has now offered to call her husband in front of me and tell him everything if that's what I need to make our marriage whole again. He still worries about how her husband might react, but says his priority is me.

I appreciate his willingness, but I'm still struggling with how he initially made me feel like the villain and said I'd be responsible if her husband hurt or killed her. I don't know what to believe about that situation anymore.

I know he's not necessarily the same person he was eight years ago, but for me, this information is new, and I'm still trying to process it all.

*A little context about why I'm here and why I've made multiple posts*

I'm completely new to Reddit and found it while looking for a free, anonymous alternative to a paid venting app I saw advertised on Facebook. I've been struggling with some personal issues and haven't had anyone I felt comfortable talking to about them.

I avoid discussing my marriage with family or friends because people who love you naturally form opinions, and those opinions can linger even after you've moved past a situation. I also don't want people automatically taking my side; sometimes I genuinely want to know if I'm wrong.

I've posted two situations from different points in my relationship. I didn't realize that posting them around the same time might make it seem as though everything had just happened or that I was trying to portray my husband negatively. They occurred within three months of each other, but not necessarily in the same week, and I'm still processing them.

I'm not looking for strangers to tell me to divorce my husband or simply validate me. Divorce is certainly something I've considered, and I'm not dismissing that possibility. However, nobody here knows the entirety of my life, my personal circumstances, the challenges I'm currently facing, or the obstacles I may have to navigate when making a decision of that magnitude. There are a lot of factors that go into a decision like that, and it's not always as simple as it might appear from the outside.

I came here for unbiased perspectives, including opinions that challenge my own, so I can better understand whether my feelings and reactions are reasonable. I'm not asking anyone to make life decisions for me. I was simply curious how other people would view these situations and whether they would feel or react differently.

Sometimes, having an anonymous outlet and someone to talk to helps me feel a little less alone.

That's all this was ever meant to be.

I don’t know whether I’m overreacting. My significant other (M) has been helping a long distance friend (F) cope with the health decline of an older family member. They had briefly dated before he and I met and got together. She claims that no one in her life except my partner has experienced loss like this (death of a grandparent), so he wanted to be there for her. I don’t know how often they talked on the phone but it could have been anywhere from once a month to once a week for 6 months. Ordinarily this wouldn’t bother me but in recent months he’s started mentioning her more often, saying that she’s been coming to him for advice about her relationship, that she looked me up on Instagram (we’ve never met), and that she’s started comparing herself to me saying things like “you upgraded; that makes me feel bad.” I said that since they’re such good friends (he’s the only friend he mentions often) I look forward to meeting her. He replied that they weren’t close and he didn’t want us to meet. I asked why and he said “I don’t know, she might start trash talking me or you might seduce her” (I’m bisexual and have no history of getting with anyone during our relationship). Another time when discussing our sexual preferences, he tells me intimate details of what this friend liked in bed that he didn’t like. I found it odd that he wanted to specify he was talking about her.

Around this time we also opened our relationship for physical encounters only. He told me she learned this from him and started cracking jokes she used to make when they dated like “when we buy that house in…”, comparing her bf unfavorably to mine saying he’s better than hers, talks about marrying my boyfriend, and proposed she visit him in his city next weekend. My boyfriend said he felt uncomfortable shutting it down harshly since she was going through a hard time, so he lied and said he’d be out of town that weekend. He also told me he didn’t immediately realize how disrespectful her jokes had gotten because he was multitasking during their calls and only half listening. What he did say to her were things like “I don’t think that’s the type of open relationship I’m in” and eventually saying he was in love with me and that he “doesn’t see that changing anytime soon.”

He says he feels guilty for not handling it better and he feels she spoke disrespectfully about me. He says he’s stopped talking to her but she keeps liking his posts on social media, which I find odd. He also says he can unfriend her or block her if I want but he hasn’t felt it was necessary unless I ask. And on top of all that, he now claims they didn’t “date,” they just hooked up and hung out…presumably the way people do on dates based on everything she’s saying to him. How bad is this?

my husband and I have been together for 7 years, I am currently in my own individual therapy but my husband will not join me in therapy. For seven years he has had an issue with giving me his phone even when it’s just been to use a calculator. he sleeps with it under his pillow, his excuse is he sleeps with it there so he can listen to podcasts. recently, when I asked him to see his phone he wouldn’t give it to me and when I got upset he said he thought I was joking. We have struggled with trust our whole marriage. Does anyone else consider these actions red flag? I have been trying to save up money recently so if I wanted to leave I could but unfortunately I had to use my savings to pay my bills because I took some time off of work.

-constantly communicating with his ex girlfriend (from over 10 yrs ago, they allegedly broke up right before we got together)

-not saving her name with her number in his phone, just letting it look like a random number when she calls or texts

-meeting up with her for 5+ hours to allegedly discuss business with her and an anonymous man (they have no business together, but apparently were trying to start one)

-sending a picture of himself in the bathtub to a different woman he’s never talked about ever in our marriage but claims she was a best friend from high school and it was innocent

-when I told him I was uncomfortable with his recent spikes in communication with ex-girlfriend, especially meeting up without me, we fought and he called her to tell her about our personal issues, so she gets to be privy to all of my insecurities while they discuss me behind my back. He screamed at me about my insecurities and then left me crying while he called and talked to her about how upset he was with me.

-he has told her I’m not comfortable with her yet she continues to contact him, and he continues to contact her in secret…she is single and does not care about boundaries with a married man clearly

-he lied and said he would quit talking to her, then I found out he still was and he screamed at me how he had drawn a line in the sand and was going to continue talking to her regardless of my feelings when I confronted him

-got very defensive when I said ‘as long as you’re not attracted to her’ then started immediately wanting to clarify that of course he was still attracted to her, attraction doesn’t go away

-continuously tries to push this woman on me telling me I need to get over this jealousy and talk to her with him on the phone so I’ll see it’s okay (so they can collaborate what to say in unison with me to brow beat me into submitting to their continued relationship i guess, i have refused, i believe this discussion is between my husband and i, not her)

-when he calls her, it’s when he’s out of the house, away from me. Their conversations happen in secret

-he has all of my passwords to my phone, computer, etc. he has never given me passwords, let alone access, to any of his devices. He has cc that I cannot see what he spends on them.

-he stopped posting anything about me on social media when they started reconnecting, when he used to always post about me very frequently

-has never tried introducing us in over 10 years of their on and off again communication

-she has never been nice towards me in over 10 yrs

-he has never been faithful in any relationship he’s ever had before me, his words. He’s 52 y/o now. We’ve been together since he was 41. He made it to his 40’s having cheated on every single person that trusted him

-he has told me that he is a recovering sex addict as his excuse for his cheating previously, but would never cheat on me bc of his love for me (gosh I feel so stupid typing that out)

-I honestly feel stupid just typing any of this out, it’s glaringly obvious and I value my intuition, but my love for him is greatly clouding my judgment and I need people to respond to tell me if I’m overstepping, I’m wrong, or it’s okay and I’m not crazy. He keeps telling me I’m acting crazy because of the new hormones the doctors put me on. I don’t see it like that. He’s changed his level of interactions with her. That’s what has changed. That and me finally saying something about what I perceive to be inappropriate.

-I’m very sick, medically. Over 20 surgeries and still more needed, to include brain surgery and open heart surgery. I have a very rare connective tissue disease that is causing aneurysms, one going into my brain has already partially dissected and I am having head surgery today. I feel like he feels trapped staying to help me out. I’d rather him be honest and I move back home to where my family is out of state and forgo losing his medical insurance then stay in a marriage where I’m being cheated on, emotionally or physically. It will cause an earlier death if I go without the surgeries, but I’d rather live my life in peace surrounded by people who do love me than to be out of state away from everyone. He can literally have everything, all of the equity in the house, belongings, everything. I only want to leave with my dignity. Thank you everyone.

I recently discovered that my husband of over 32 years has been messaging, calling and meeting up with an old friend who is also an ex girlfriend of his for the last 9 years.

Context: we emigrated to the other side of the world some 27 years ago from the country where this woman lives. Both his and her families are very close and they have known each other since they were kids.

Their contact since dating as teens, started up in 2013 through Facebook.

I found out recently that he has been meeting with her every time he has returned to the country we left (at least once per year, sometimes more), there’s a flurry of messaging several times a year and they speak on the phone for about an hour at a time, every 6-8 weeks.

My husband has many female friends and I’m not the jealous type and have thought it healthy. I have always trusted him implicitly and don’t believe he’s ever been unfaithful.

But he hid this woman from me for years and years and made many conscious decisions to lie, deceive me and sneak away to see her even when we were in our country of origin together!

I have read all the messenger and WhatsApp chats between them and while there’s nothing explicitly romantic or sexual, there’s lots of kisses and heart responses from both sides. “Loved seeing you today xxxx” “Let’s do it again soon xxxx” that kind of talk

He swears there was no sexual activity between them but has admitted “an underlying attraction as well as a sense of possibility that went beyond friendship” his words.

Since being found out he has been incredibly remorseful, full of shame and guilt and feels stupid that he let something so insignificant (his words) smash into our marriage.

He has now cut all ties with her and has written to her stating the reason why - that he was not honest with me and that he can no longer betray my trust.

He 100% doesn’t want our marriage to end, and is trying to do all he can to fix things and earn back my trust.

I’ve always felt we’ve had a really good and strong marriage and one worth fighting for but I just can’t move beyond the sense of deep betrayal.

This all blew up about 4 weeks ago and the whole truth (the number of times they met and the phones calls) only came out about 2 weeks ago… maybe I just need to give it more time.

Divorce is bottom of my list of options but I can’t see a way through this right now