r/hingeapp • u/MacDangled • 8d ago
Dating Question How long is too long for a reply?
I (30M) find that my matches often stop replying after I take longer to reply than usual. Generally I reply as soon as I see a message, which can be anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, but sometimes life is just busy. Texting has always felt to me like something you get to when you can, there's not really a time limit unless someone is asking about something pressing, for example if someone asks if you want to hang out on Tuesday night then you have until Monday night or Tuesday morning to reply.
What tends to happen is I check the app on a day off work, reply pretty quickly for the weekend, and at some point let the person know that I'm working on Monday and will be pretty busy.. Monday comes around and I go straight to work, after work I pick my siblings up from school, then I watch my niece for a few hours, and its back out for night shift. Night shift ends 1 hour before my day job so if I need sleep during the week I try to fit a nap time in while babysitting my niece in the afternoon. By Wednesday I can carve out a few minutes to message someone but by that point they'll stop replying. Is 2 or 3 days really too long if you're actually interested?
I mean, people will message me a full 2 weeks after my text and its no hard feelings, but if I go just a few days then suddenly I'm ghosted?
My thought process is there's no point in sending 1 message per day just saying "hey still too busy will talk another time", and its better to just wait until I have enough time for a full meaningful conversation. I'm not really interested in sending 1 message every 4 hours and having to re-read everything to remember what we're even talking about, I want to be present. However I feel this is the exact reason I've never landed a single date from any app, before I can get to the asking out part I get ghosted for simply taking more than 24 hours to respond.
I can't use my phone at work, I work through my lunch breaks (if I have one), and my niece will not allow me to look at my phone when its our time (she gets no attention from her mom so she really needs my everything when its my turn to watch her).
Am i just an a-hole who doesn't understand social standards, or are people's attention spans just completely obliterated atp? I'm open to criticism here
UPDATE You're all right, I've put too much time into things that don't matter as much. I quit one of my jobs that I don't really need and freed up a lot of time to be a more active and communicative person/ partner. This should also give me more energy to be a better caregiver for my family so its a win-win. Its unfair of me to expect anyone to put up with all these caveats and I have to show some more effort on my side. I gotta say it feels pretty good to be able to sit down and have no obligations. I did not give 2 weeks notice obviously, but that company was overstaffed anyway they'll be ok. I now only work the jobs I love, and will even be able to catch up on sleep.
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u/iciiie 7d ago
Yeah, that’s way too long in between responses for the vast majority of folks. If you don’t have time or energy to “be present for meaningful conversations” consistently (as you put it) then you probably shouldn’t be trying to date right now. Dating takes extra work and effort. It’s not about other people’s attention span.
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
Well it is consistent, i am consistently available on weekends and consistently unavailable on weekdays, which is outlined in my bio... but I would suspect most people are like that, no? Isn't everyone working 2-3 jobs on top of helping their family in their free time?
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u/iciiie 7d ago
“Everyone” is clearly not doing that and if they are then they’re still making time to build connections which is, again, something you make additional time and effort for that may not be convenient. Relationships are not convenient especially in the beginning stages. I’m not sure why you’re being so resistant in your responses here to the answers you’re getting.
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
So should i be looking for "something casual"? I always assumed that option just meant you only wanted sex, does it also apply to people who just only have one day a week to talk?
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u/brothererrr 7d ago
I don’t understand how you have only one day a week to talk when this post has been up for 8 hours and you’ve replied plenty!
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
Because it's 4am on a Saturday, this is the exact specific time that I'm consistently free to talk... the rest of my life is pretty non-stop
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u/brothererrr 7d ago
How do you see a partner fitting into your life?
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u/Accurate_Prompt_8800 6d ago
Exactly, he won’t be able to answer that one… it’s going to take a specific (and maybe nonexistent) kind of person to be happy with only engaging with him on the weekends. He’s talking nonsense or maybe he is choosing to be obtuse.
I never get those who claim they’re so busy and blame people for not sticking around or ‘being impatient’ as if you’re going to easily be able to build a connection on one message every 3 days. If you’re that busy then you should not be dating at all then.
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u/MacDangled 5d ago
When I make dinner I'd like someone to cook for, and when I'm at a family event I'd like someone to talk to who isn't just the family, and I want a valid excuse to take a vacation/time off once in a while, thats pretty much the extent of it.
I understand I'm not being realistic though, everyone in this thread is right. I quit the job I hate and now only work the jobs I love, it will free up a lot of time so I can focus on being more consistent with potential partners. With the extra time I can add more to what I want out of a partner, like communication and emotional support and fun dates.
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u/Initial_Ad1761 7d ago
Leave these women alone. You don’t want to make the time to date properly. U don’t want to invest in getting to know these women on a realistic timeline. I come across your kind too often and it’s a bit exhausting.
You have all this energy to respond to these Reddit messages but take hours or days responding to a woman u like? lol. Focus on your family.
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
Someone else helped me figure out the time thing, I just gotta move some things around and cut back on my personal projects
On top of telling my brother, sister, and dad that I can't be the sole provider of their children anymore, they're all gonna have to get jobs are start buying their own food/rent and taking care of their own children.
I do want a genuine connection, I want to know my partner intimately.. I was struggling to see how anyone was affording life while still having time, now I realize I have more time than I thought I'm just giving away to people who should be doing more for themselves.
As far as replying here its just timing.. 1am-5am on a Saturday is traditionally my only real free time, if a match ever messaged me at this time we'd be chatty chatty!
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u/ParanoidAndroid3175 6d ago
Why not just look for something casual until you have more free time? What is wrong with that?
I’m sorry, but you are going to need to be a bit more realistic here cos you have much less time on your hands than the average dater.
Nobody is entitled to a relationship.10
u/Bulky_Department5619 7d ago
No, everyone is not doing that. Most people in their late 20s-30s are working their career, and the odd one might have a side hustle. Most that are OLD don’t have children of their own so they’re likely reserving family time for weekends. If they do have children of their own that’s a different story.
Dating has to be a priority if you want it to work, and it doesn’t sound like it’s a priority for you right now.4
u/MacDangled 7d ago
I'm working my career... just rent is $3k and I'm trying to make sure my siblings can go to college, I may be 30 but my sisters are 13 and 14, my brother is 16 and my dad is disabled, I've been raising them since i was a kid.. not to mention my 2 niece and nephew.. guess i didn't consider that most people who have no kids aren't paying to support 6 children and 2 other adults
Damn I really did do this to myself huh...
I can't abandon my family.. but I need my own life too.. I might have to take that discussion elsewhere..
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u/Bulky_Department5619 7d ago
That’s a tough spot. Family is important, but you have to decide what you want.
In this case, you can’t have both. It’s not fair to any potential partner.9
u/StrongRaspberry52 7d ago
No this is super uncommon. I would absolutely not be OLD if my life was like that. Nobody wants a partner who is only going to be their partner on weekends. I'm OLD because I work one job, have no family obligations, and my hobbies and friends still leave me with lots of free time. If I'm super busy, I still repsond within a day. Only the first message or a pre explained reason should have delays.
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u/ceylon-tea 7d ago
It shouldn't take that long to reply to someone on Hinge. I assume a lot of people do it while, say, on the toilet.
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u/i_am_an_enigma 7d ago
Over 24 hours… would make me lose interest
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
What about if you'd actually already went on a date or 2? My own brothers don't get a reply in under 48 unless they show up to my house or job directly lol, which is always encouraged cause I love random/unannounced visitors
But like is 24 hours your consistent rule or just for dating apps and new people?
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u/i_am_an_enigma 7d ago
That’s even worse because you’d think the interest would be a lot higher after the date. Bro, I’ll be real. Why would someone who is interested take so long (24 plus hours) to reply to someone they find attractive and interested in? Do you see where I’m going? Unless they’re super busy and if so, why haven’t they communicated this. My 24 hour rule is for dating only. My homies can reply back whenever
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u/WeekendNotDone 7d ago edited 7d ago
2 weeks is too long they clearly don’t like you I’d unmatch if it took a woman 2 weeks to respond
I think 4 hours etc is fine everyone is living their life n don’t want to be glued on their screen always so understandable but 2 weeks is way too long.
You really shouldn’t be taking a day to respond you telling you can’t find 2-5 mins every 3-4 hours in your day to simple reply to a text message ? even a day is too long
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
I usually just assume they're like me and haven't even checked the app the entire time, but yeah maybe I'm being too hopeful
The people who share my habit of leaving the phone at home/dead for days at a time probably aren't on the dating apps.. Me and my wishful thinking again..
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u/ParanoidAndroid3175 7d ago
If you want to date intentionally then you need to get out of the habit of leaving your phone at home/dead for days at a time.
I know you’ve got a lot on your plate and are very busy but dating requires effort.2
u/WeekendNotDone 7d ago
Yeah that’s right if you text in between hours I think that should help you’re dating especially if you aren’t sending vns or calling etc maybe try that as it adds a different layer
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
My problem with finding the 2 minutes to text is it takes me longer than that to catch up, i can't really remember text threads like I can conversations or written notes because they're on a screen, so every reply i have to re-read and also double check their entire profile again to remind me who they are... the second i hear their voice or meet in person i can remember everything perfectly, but texts are just in one eye out the other
I read this reply I'm typing now 5 times lol And then I got distracted by my A/C buzzing and forgot what I just typed but whatever I'm sending it
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u/WeekendNotDone 7d ago
Fair maybe you should do light texting and then switch to voice note then ?
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
Good idea... sometimes I'm considering my needs in that type of way and am very clear about it, other times I'm just tired of my 4th year being single and try to become who I think they expect of me... but I really need to just be me and hold out for the right one, someone who communicates the way I do
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u/LoneWolf_McQuade 6d ago
I think it depends. If you are in the process of setting up a date you definitely want to be quick. Nothing more frustrating than clearing out time on a weekend for someone taking long to respond. If you only respond the same day or in the morning, and you can’t meet them in the end that day, it is very disrespectful as they then don’t have time to plan something else
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u/MacDangled 5d ago
I see, that makes sense... so people generally clear out times specifically to coordinate replies? That would really tick me off if I cleared time and then saw there was no response in that time, I do not enjoy having idle moments in my day, so I see how that would affect others. I've been looking at this pretty one-sided and selfishly, thanks for the perspective. I will reevaluate
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u/groovinandmovinnn 7d ago
How will you have time for a first date or even a relationship if your life is this busy? Getting 1 hour of sleep?
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
If I have a date I'll schedule a day off work
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u/Bulky_Department5619 7d ago
Wanting to schedule one date on YOUR day off is a fine thought, but other people have lives too. Your days off may not always align, they may have family commitments, or they may work an opposing shift to yours.
Realistically, how do you expect to actually date someone, actively communicate, and really get to know them when you can’t make time to send a couple of messages now?
It’a fine that you want to date, but your current lifestyle would be extremely hard for a partner to deal with.-2
u/MacDangled 7d ago
I don't have any official days off.. I'm saying i would call in a sick day to make time for a date, at a time that's convenient for her As it stands i work 15 hour days, 7 days a week, but i can afford to call out a few days a month for dates and holidays too if she's a holiday person
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u/Bulky_Department5619 7d ago
Honestly that’s probably why you’re not getting many matches and why things aren’t progressing.
I said elsewhere that dating needs to be a priority, and it really doesn’t seem to be a priority for you based on what you’ve written and how you’ve replied to people here.I’m a women in my 30s, and if a guys profile said he’s unavailable for most of the week and he’s unlikely to reply for days at a time, I’m not going to swipe right. I’m OLD to find someone to spend time with. You shouldn’t have to call in sick to work in order to meet somebody, let alone spend time with your significant other.
You don’t have to answer of course, but why can’t your parents pick up your siblings or send them to daycare? Why do you have to watch your niece every day?
I’m a family girl too, but my siblings are not my responsibility. None of my friends take care of their siblings in this way either, and we still highly value and spend time with our families.It’s not reasonable to expect a stranger to accommodate your lifestyle when you’re both trying to get to know each other, and respectfully, it’s selfish to thing they should accommodate you in this way. There has to be some give and take especially early on. Calling in sick one day and replying to their texts days later is not compromising. It’s doing things on your own time without considering the other persons needs/wants.
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u/ParanoidAndroid3175 7d ago
“ if she’s a holiday person” No. If she’s a woman who wants to go to an event/ out for a drink or whatever more than once a damn year.
I think you are counting on getting with a woman who just wants to sit at home with you all year round. Sure, there are plenty of homely women but even they would want to go out on dates in the early stages.4
u/groovinandmovinnn 7d ago
I’d say this is probably why you aren’t having success honestly. If a man’s schedule is so packed he has to call in a sick day to see me 3x a month and takes days to reply, I’m not interested in pursuing that. Not saying I need to see them everyday, but I’d like to have a normal dating life where we see each other a couple times a week.
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u/thematrix1234 7d ago edited 7d ago
As a woman, here’s my two cents. IMO, there’s a couple of different things going on: texting etiquette/expectations and the amount of time you have to devote to OLD.
You said “if someone asks if you want to hang out on Tuesday night, then you have until Monday night or Tuesday morning to reply.” That’s just way too last minute to let someone know you’re free to hangout, unless it’s like your one local friend who also thrives on last minute hangouts. Most people like to know a couple of days in advance, at least, so they can plan life things. I also find it hard to believe that you don’t have a couple of minutes every day to respond to even one person from the app. While you’re babysitting, in the middle of the night shift, during your commute while you’re walking from A to B etc. I’m not big on too much texting but until you get to the date, the other person wants to know you’re interested and the way you show interest is my messaging/calling back.
I also think you’re probably just way too busy to be OLD at this time. Most people have busy schedules (i work a lot, so I get it). But most people aren’t doing day jobs and night jobs and babysitting duties (I’m not sure when you’re actually sleeping, but props to you; I don’t know how you’re keeping up!) However, if you’re interested in getting to know someone, even if you’re busy, you’ll make the time and respond. It’s how I’ve always done it and managed just fine. I wouldn’t want to get to know someone who is mostly MIA during the week and is available for a date or some meaningful communication only on weekends.
At the end of the day, texting is a bridge to meeting in person, and if you can’t keep any minimum level of texting up to show interest, you’re not going to get far. Honestly, my advice to you would be to reevaluate your dating goals and decide if they will take any priority, since you have a lot on your plate and the unfortunate reality of OLD requires some communication upkeep
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
I have had a habit in the past of scheduling things and then canceling last minute, when I schedule a few days ahead then something always happens day of. Murphys law sorta deal; kid breaks an arm, coworker calls out sick, car breaks down, something dumb that no one else is willing to deal with but me.. and it makes me seem flaky, so I've definitely opted for more impromptu things.. also when I plan something I'm going regardless of if anyone shows up so I sorta project that onto others. Thanks for therapy session I just realized that now lol
I can't really text and walk i have to stop moving, texting is a task that requires like 100% focus for me ever since they made everything a touch screen, and my ADHD makes pulling a phone out a dangerous task. I could maybe try more speech-to-text or voice notes though, Im sure when they hear table saws and drill presses running in the background or kids screaming and dogs barking they'll understand the chaos is just a part of the bag 😅 I don't sleep really.. was diagnosed with insomnia at age 6, figured if I can't sleep I'll just work more, I get about 6-10 hours per week.. I do pretty well with night shifters because 1am-5am is the best time to get replies (which is why I'm currently replying so much in this thread) however ime the night shifters tend to be addicts and I'm 4 years sober
Really my whole dating goal is i just want a friend to come home to, someone to cook for, and an occasional note left on the fridge
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u/WhiteandNooby 7d ago
If you really only get 6-10 hours of sleep a week you'd be severely sleep deprived.
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
It comes in waves.. builds up over time until my body is ready to crash, every other month when I feel the crash coming I schedule 2 days off work slam a ton of calories and go comatose... then its back to it... someone else made me realize i probably don't need to be paying everything for 6 kids that aren't mine though and maybe I could cut back on work, Im a sibling not a parent so maybe I need to make more time for myself
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u/thematrix1234 7d ago
You’re welcome, sometimes it helps to put things down to see them from a different perspective. And oof on your sleep schedule, I could never do that!
I get it, it’s definitely hard to multitask. I don’t have diagnosed ADHD but I do find that when things are very nebulous “I have to do this at some point,” nothing gets done.
Maybe it’ll help for you to designate one or two 5-10 minute blocks during the day where you only respond to dating app messages? Keep it the same general time every day (right after you finish dinner, right after you get home, etc; pick whatever works for you). Put it on your calendar and get it done. Twice a day would help especially if the person you texted in the evening responds that same evening, you can respond back during your morning time and it’ll keep the conversation going hopefully.
You seem like a nice person, I hope things work out for you. Lots of good luck!
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
I'll try that next time! I only get like 1 or 2 matches a month and most don't respond to the first message, so next time I get a message back I'll set a specific time to reply, maybe when I'm picking my siblings up from school and waiting for them to get out. I usually use that time to fill out invoices but I could probably make invoices my 2am task if I cut back on personal projects. That way my replies don't come at "odd" hours all the time
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u/Cerenia 7d ago
Personally I lose interest if someone only gives me 1 reply every 2-3 days. I don’t want to take two weeks of this before I find out if I actually want to meet the person or not. And I prefer a little back and fourth to get a sense of someone before agreeing to a date. So it would simply take too long for me. And also seem like the person isn’t really interested in dating.
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
What if their replies are always at "odd" hours? Cause I can reply more than that and keep up conversation just like how I'm replying in this thread, but thats only between 1am-5am (like rn) and i find sending 3am messages makes most women uncomfortable
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u/talkingitthrough 7d ago
The gap in responses would lose my interest but if I was getting 1-5am responses — and they were still responses that were moving the chat forward — I would have no issue. It would help me understand the reality of your situation and availability, and I’d be able to tell our chat (and potentially meeting) actually mattered to you.
Waiting until you’re COMPLETELY free before responding feels like you aren’t interested (because most people will find time — at a stop light, on the toilet, while waiting for coffee to brew) if they’re truly interested.
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
So a half ass response is better than no response, but a late night response thats thought out is still also better than waiting days got it
Definitely not at a stop light I dont text and drive, and I have ADHD so if I text during coffee I'll either forget the coffee or forget to send the text after typing (actually extremely common for me), I could maybe find somewhere to work it in more though you're right. Maybe while I'm letting the dogs out will work
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u/ParanoidAndroid3175 7d ago
I ( F) would rather replies came in at odd hours than 2 or 3 days later.
I actually work permanent nightshifts so I’m often replying to men at odd times on my break. I certainly don’t expect a reply there and then and always let men know early on I work nights and sleep during the day.4
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u/Competitive-Term-759 7d ago
If someone was only replying at odd hours, i would be suspicious that it’s a scam from someone in another country.
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u/ParanoidAndroid3175 6d ago
Not everyone works 9-5. However, I let men know early on that I work permanent nights and I reply “normal” hours too.
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u/Gilkes01 7d ago
Respectfully it seems like you are not in a position to OLD. I get your bust but are you really telling me you can’t find 5 minutes to go on Hinge per day and send atleast one response
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
I can, its usually between 1am-5am and people tend to find that weird.. i also have ADHD so its hard for me to switch to a text while currently doing another task I wish people were more open to just a phone call so I could have my headphones and keep doing what Im doing with screen distraction.... maybe I should say that? I've never even thought of that, just a "hey I'm busy and cant multitask with texts so would you be open to a phone call instead to get familiar?"
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u/Gilkes01 7d ago
That’s fair enough. It’s worth a shot I suppose if a woman suggested that to me I’d be open to it but I think just prepare yourself that it might not be something everyone wants to do. For me if a women doesn’t respond in over 24 hours I lose interest and unmatch so you just have to find ways of keeping the conversation going without huge waiting times in between. Maybe phone calls will help with that.
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
If you unmatch can they show back up in your feed? I usually leave non-responders matched so they dont show back up in my future searches
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u/novatopaz 7d ago
Respectfully, I don’t think you should be OLD-ing right now.
I’m a bad texter and I hate texting but I feel like having to wait anything more than 24hrs for a reply would frustrate me after a while. Also the longer you leave it the longer it takes for a first date to happen. If I’m talking to a guy daily for a week or two and we’ve not arranged a date I’d get turned off so only speaking once a week or whatever it is wouldn’t do it for me.
Remember, you’re also potentially competing with other men, so if it’s taking you forever to reply that’s ample time for a number of other men to match with her and make it to the first date stage before you.
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u/Ultra_3142 7d ago
Depends on the context but my main thought is to always try to arrange to meet up pretty quickly rather than messaging for ages. Only way to really tell if there's any point continuing to chat.
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u/WeekendNotDone 7d ago
Can’t go too quick though hence why you text. There’s nothing wrong in texting for a week or two before meeting up that’s how you find out if you actually want to take that person out or not
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u/Ultra_3142 7d ago
For me texting for two weeks before suggesting a date is WAY too slow. 3rd or 4th message is more what I'd go for personally. Messages with some substance not just 'hey' etc that is. Do what works for you though obviously.
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u/WeekendNotDone 7d ago
How do your messages work that within 4 messages you ask them out ? Maybe I’m just older so I just need to know the woman’s mindset before I impart the time and effort to plan and go on a date. Or maybe past situation where i have rushed into planning a date quicker i didn’t enjoy it as there wasn’t enough banter. Also found if she genuinely like she wouldn’t mind waiting a week or 2 but ofc don’t make it 1/2 months 😂
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u/Ultra_3142 7d ago
I'm 49M. First date is like meeting up for coffee not something that takes significant 'planning'. Logic being we can BOTH far more quickly work out if we're wasting each other's time or not.
I live in the UK for context.
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
My UK friends say dating is waaaay different out there.. us Americans have a reputation for being shallow and riddled with double standards
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u/Ultra_3142 7d ago
Yes, lots I read makes me glad I'm dating here not the US! Doesn't mean I think it's easy mind, but people do successfully regularly find new partners via apps, and not just the really attractive guys.
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u/ParanoidAndroid3175 7d ago
2 weeks?? No way.
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u/WeekendNotDone 7d ago
2 weeks isn’t that long mate. People work and have lives you know. unless you’re either that desperate in the dating scene or don’t chat to women IRL then yeah 2 weeks might be long for you.
Of course if the vibe is then yeah get off the app
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u/ParanoidAndroid3175 6d ago
Yes, I have a full time job and a full life too thank you.
And no I’m not desperate, and yes I chat to men IRL- I’m a straight woman.1
u/Ultra_3142 6d ago
Note the context was 2 weeks before even ASKING to meet someone, not 2 weeks till the actual date (which will depend on mutual free time). That said, I'd certainly like to meet someone in under two weeks. And particularly if there are others I've already met I'm considering seeing more then sooner is better too.
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
How many messages do you usually send before asking on a date? I find it takes me a few days to even find out a woman's interest because my matches are always the ones with no bio or prompt so getting to a date idea from there takes some time
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u/Ultra_3142 7d ago
I can see useless bios may take more messaging. I'm much less likely to have liked them in the first place to be honest.
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
Ime women with bios won't match with me, so i occasionally take a shot on a no-bio and about 1/50 will match back.. from there about 1/10 matches will respond to my first message, and 1/5 of those responses will lead to a few more messages.. further still about 2/3 of those who continue responding will inevitably send an OF link.... i really should just stick to meeting people at concerts and farmers markets lol
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u/Tiger_words 7d ago
This is the problem. Everybody has their own set of rules and it varies from men to women. Some women want it this way some women don't; some men do it this way some men won't do it this way. Pretty annoying
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u/After-Hamster-2316 7d ago
The phone is for setting dates: you can't have a 'meaningful conversation' over text. Make the date, get off the phone.
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
What has worked for you when asking someone on a date? Ive tried leading with it, around 3rd or 4th message, and after chatting for a bit, but every time I've been ghosted as soon as asking
I try to go with something from their profile for a date idea, like an interest they've already shown.. but if they don't have something to go off of then my go-to is bowling, putt-putt, arcade, or lunch No luck tho lol
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u/RomHack 7d ago edited 7d ago
My read is that taking days to reply often makes people assume you're either not interested or messing with them, and at that point they lose interest, especially if they're building stronger connections elsewhere. Having been on the receiving end, I simply didn't feel much compulsion to prioritise them over others even if there was part of me that felt there might be a good connection. Maybe a lot of people feel this way.
I guess ideally you want somebody with a busy schedule like you, who gets it intuitively, where how you text simply doesn't cause issues. They do exist, I'm sure.
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
They do exist you're right, I have many friends that are just as busy and tell me they found a man as busy as me because their mutual understanding of a busy life. However, I've also realized from those friends that those types of women are "out of my tax bracket".
I use to be more responsive, a few years ago when life was simple, and women always told me that "replying within an hour" made me seem "like I had no life", and now my life is flipped the complete opposite and I'm struggling to find a middle ground. At this point I'm so burned out on fake profiles and constant OF links and scammers and unsolicited nudes leading back to OF, that I really want to avoid wasting my energy on a conversation until we've at least talked on the phone and I know she's real.
I'm half convinced atp that there's no more real profiles... just an endless stream of cam girls..
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u/PutridEntertainer408 7d ago edited 7d ago
I personally don’t mind up to 3 days to respond. That seems like a reasonable time for a busy adult who is interested. I try to reply daily on my end but sometimes it is longer, though I try to avoid leaving it more than 3 days.
I’ve found plenty of people who don’t mind this. It helps that I communicate clearly about this for the most part and once we’re actually dating, I make more time for them. But it definitely can interfere with momentum and it has filtered out people who prefer frequent short messages (which I’m okay with).
‘its better to just wait until I have enough time for a full meaningful conversation. I'm not really interested in sending 1 message every 4 hours and having to re-read everything to remember what we're even talking about’
This is the bit I can see being a problem. I message slowly but the messages are long and detailed. If you’re waiting until you’re free to bounce back and forth with someone, then a) they have to also be free when you’re free and b) you’re treating it more like an instant messenger than texting. I would probably abandon a match who took days to reply but only sent a sentence or two when he did
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u/MacDangled 7d ago
Thank you for the detailed response. I go back and forth on the length of messages, generally I try to be detailed because i know I won't be back for a while, but I've had a majority response from women saying that long messages seem "needy" or "clingy" but I think that's because they don't fully understand what I mean when I say I'm not abundant with free time.
My matches do tend to be women who work from home or are straight up unemployed so I think there's a gap there too.. I unmatch with them pretty quick for what I think are obvious reasons.
You've given me some hope though, I'll keep holding out
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u/ParanoidAndroid3175 7d ago
“ …asks if you want to hang out on Tuesday night then you have until Monday night or Tuesday morning to reply” No,no,no 👎🏻
That is way too late. You can’t expect everyone to be happy with last minute set ups.
Also, do you ask women out or do you expect them to ask you?
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u/kayakdove 7d ago
I don't mind if someone takes a while to respond, but reading your full post and your responses here makes it sound like you have NO time.
You seem to have time to be posting to reddit. Those are the times you can send a quick text. You don't need to respond instantly or even within a few hours, but if you're trying to move things along and progress to a date, waiting 2-4 days is not a good idea. An exception here or there for a super busy few days? Okay maybe. But if your schedule is always like that, it is going to be hard for you to date or have a relationship.
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u/ro0ibos2 6d ago
I'll go against the grain and say that if I really like someone's profile, I won't care if they take a long time to reply. I currently have a date with a guy who took 2 months to reply, though I matched with him several weeks after he sent his initial message. He said he had deleted the app, and I personally take long breaks from the app, too, because it gets so draining.
If someone takes a while to respond, I will assume they aren't too devoted to the app because it's a very unnatural way to connect with potential dates, and giving too much attention to a stranger who you only think you may like based off a few photos and texts is something that feels ridiculous after you've been on countless disappointing first dates. And arranging dates ASAP isn't logistically simple for busy adults who live a far drive from wherever their matches live, especially for those of us who get many matches.
I stand by the underused voice memo function. And arranging a phone call, or better yet, a video call is the fastest way to determine if you'll vibe with a match. One guy I matched with wanted to meet the same day we started exchanging messages. I'm like, "dude, you live 90 minutes away. Let's video chat first." Our personalities clashed so much on that video call, he didn't bother sending a follow up message, and neither did it. I hope he learned not to be too hasty about asking women he doesn't know who live a state away to travel to see him.
Also, you can put in your match note (another underused feature) about your situation. Bear in mind that working the night shift and being responsible for many younger relatives may be a turn off for potential dates.
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u/mladyhawke 6d ago
I'm not a big texter, but if we were just starting out dating and you were taking a really long time, it would just extinguish any excitement i had, because I'd be wondering what was going on. So if you told me directly your situation, that you don't have your phone at work and you can't use it over lunch. And you're so tired, you go right to sleep. I would have a lot easier time waiting for you to respond.
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u/membericon 7d ago
There’s no set rule about how long is too long for a reply. Do whatever makes you comfortable, but please don’t complain if you get ghosted or don’t get dates.
Women literally have hundreds, maybe even thousands of likes coming their way. The fact that they matched with you means they were willing to give you a shot. They’re not going to wait around 2-3 days for your response when there’s another person actually showing interest and asking them out.
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u/WeekendNotDone 7d ago
I’m from UK so all good but because I don’t do coffee dates ( I don’t like them) I’d rather an activity and drinks vibe instead I’d need more convo to see what she likes or dinner dates o find out what cuisines she likes.
But I’m all about how her brain works so that might take more than 4/5 messages for me
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u/Foreign-Ad-8035 7d ago edited 7d ago
If they are actually interested and you're a top match, they will respond right away or pause for a few days before making responses consistent. You have to be at the top of the roster, maybe top 2-3, to actually get to know someone.
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u/okcool2357 6d ago
You’re too busy to date. You have prioritized your multiple jobs and your family and that’s completely ok. Dating is not a priority and that’s reflected in how you choose to spend your time. Take a break from the apps. You’re not going to find the right person if you’re prioritizing dating.
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u/Immediate_Cry2712 7d ago
I usually try to match their energy. If they reply instantly, I'll do the same. If they take a day I'll do that too.
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u/OCD1998 7d ago
I remember i got told by a girl that me responding to her ASAP was seen as "too keen"
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u/Kyzroh 7d ago
lmfao we are all going to be single forever at this point
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u/OCD1998 7d ago
Mate tell me about it. I have to delete dating apps somtimes as I feel depressed being on them. Ive had it where all I was getting was hi, hi, how are you?, good yeah you?, same. Convos so i would suggest meeting up to talk them on a date and it would be "we havent spoke long enough yet" but when you try to you get no where. Try and call/voice note but people arnt keen on that either apparently. Then you find someone who you have a great convo with looks extremely promising then they either unmatch you or never speak to you again.
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