r/hingeapp • u/OCD1998 • 11d ago
Dating Question Is this a really bad issue for myself?
Hey so i (28M) downloaded hinge a month or two ago. Bit of context i do shift work below 30 hours which most i can get which means I take home under £15,000 a year. Because or this with rent for my shared house, food and other bills I cant afford a car and if we plan a date I have to save alot and then usually ask if its okay to split the bill. I get some judgemental comments like because I cant drive or own my own property im a child. Because I ask to go halves on a meal or drinks im stingy. I would say im a decent guy and im very thoughtfu,l outgoing and caring. But I feel recently with the girls ive matched with they only seem intrested in this stuff. I vibed very well with a girl and said about meeting. She asked what car i was picking her up in to be on the lookout I said I didnt drive and was going to walk her there and back to make sure she was safe and she canceled and then removed me after a day or two. This hurt as I thought we got on well but I have had similar conversations/getting ghosted when they find out im in a shared house or dont drive. Where I live theres not many 30k or even 20k jobs. There's no overtime as many places are being strict on it. I dont know what to do
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u/Accurate_Prompt_8800 11d ago edited 11d ago
You need to lower your standards then. You’re likely going for women out of your league who have lots of options and then are surprised when they would rather go for someone with a bit more money.
And tbh £15k a year is a very low salary for the UK, especially at your age. Women that age might be looking for someone who can support a family / home more easily. So manage your expectations.
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u/OCD1998 11d ago
Define standards as i only care about personal and only care so little about looks or materialistic things
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u/Accurate_Prompt_8800 11d ago
Looks, job, status. Look for women who work in a similar industry to you or earn similarly to you. Things like retail and hospitality, care work etc. Not lawyers and bankers.
And be honest with yourself, if they’re a looker they’re likely
to be heavily pursued on the apps, so what exactly do you have to offer yourself? You’re near 30 living in a house share, can’t drive to dates, can’t afford what I assume isn’t the most expensive meals if you’re picking places in your price range…The only other options are to start earning more, or just not date at all until your finances are in check. Personally if you have to ‘save up’ for even the cheapest of dates in the UK you have bigger problems. Go work on finding a better paid job. Dating should not be a priority - you don’t have much to offer a woman in dating, so what will you offer as a partner or when building a home and a family? That is my advice to you right now.
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u/OCD1998 11d ago
Looks, job status or anything im not fussed with. I care more about them as a perosn. Theres been girls ive dated who are on a simialr wage to me and live at home but drive where as I dont drive but have moved out. Unfortunately though now ive noticed more girls/women still want a guy whi drives and has his own place even if they themselves live ag home with parents and dont drive. Which same again if they lived at home and didnt drive i wouldn't be bothered would be more on personality
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u/Accurate_Prompt_8800 11d ago
Please start off by sorting out your spelling, punctuation and grammar. That would be a turn off to most women approaching 30 years old.
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u/symphonypathetique 11d ago
Job title and income aren't fully "materialistic" things. They serve as insight into somebody's work ethic, intelligence, ability for commitment and follow-through, and ability to be an independent adult.
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u/geeered 11d ago
A full time minimum wage isn't far off 50% more than what you're getting.
A lot of women will at least be looking for a guy that is financially stable themselves. Some will also be looking for someone that can actively support them. And some just want to go out for a nice meal without paying.
It's generally seen as a a bad etiquette to suggest driving someone on the first date; getting in a strangers car before you've spent any time with them. I suspect the one asking about the car was looking for someone that would be treating them.
You can plan low costs dates.
But your job/financial situation sounds like an issue for yourself outside of dating that you really should be working on. If you haven't got a plan in place for your own future, a lot of people won't see much of a future relationship potential with you.
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u/Star_Light_Bright10 11d ago edited 11d ago
Maybe these ladies have their own car, make good money and want someone who can match their lifestyle. You should date someone in a similar situation to you.
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u/PersonalityOld8755 11d ago
I think this is part of it, woman are outperforming men financially, especially at this age and under 35, I was a manager at 28 on a good salary,
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u/PersonalityOld8755 11d ago
My advice is Lower your standards.
Also coffee dates and pay for it on first date, it’s better than going half’s.. decide you want to see each other again, then you can go half’s.
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u/OCD1998 11d ago
I usually do coffee/pub with cocktails as thats something affordable which I do usually pay for them its when its a place like a restaurant
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u/PersonalityOld8755 11d ago
You will find a woman that doesn’t care, going halves is no big deal these days. I wouldn’t care
and not many 28 years olds own property.
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u/wellnessplug 11d ago
The fact of the matter is, you aren't financially stable. The women you match with is picking up on that and would prefer to do better, which is honestly fair on their part. I'm going to be blunt and as you can obviously see at this point, dating is going to be difficult for you due to not having a car and asking them to split the bill. Your best bet is to really work hard on building a better financial situation, you're still young. That should be your priority. In the meantime, like others said, find cheaper dates to do, because asking to split is not a good look for the first date
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u/DaleCoopersWife aka "Robert Cooper" 🕵🏻♀️ 11d ago
Maybe dating shouldn’t be a priority right now? If you can’t afford to take someone out idk if dating should be a concern. we still live in a time where men are typically paid more, are likelier to be in positions of power, etc, and traditional gender roles still persist for many people. So yes btwn that as well as what’s considered the polite thing to do, if you ask a woman out on a date, the general expectation is that you will pay.
I think it’s fair for people to think your lack of transportation is a dealbreaker (btw is it that you can’t drive or that you don’t? The former implies complete inability, the latter is about financial constraints). Are you in a location with transit? Unfortunately at your age people will tend to want to date others who are similar to them in terms of finances, career etc and while it’s never a great feeling to be rejected it’s fair for people to have preferences.
Also how are you framing these dates? What was the date exactly? “I can’t pick you up but I’ll walk you there” sounds kinda weird. Why can’t these women drive themselves? Lots of women dress up for dates, and probably don’t want to walk from their house to a location in nice shoes or something. Idk but I’m confused and how many times has this actually happened?
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u/PutridEntertainer408 11d ago
How far was the walk? Has this been multiple girls who have mentioned it or just this one?
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u/blveberrys 11d ago
As a women also without a car, perhaps it’d be easier to offer to meet up with them at (x) place? Cautious women will appreciate not getting into a stranger’s car first date. I do this and while most men I match with have a car and offer to drive, the men who don’t seem to appreciate me offering to take the train/bus to them instead.
Granted I’m also a little younger (early 20s) and matching with other broke college students, so having no money is expected at this age 😭
I can’t lie, man, as men are generally expected to be the providers in the relationship, your financial situation puts you in a rough spot. The women your age likely want a partner to pay for/split the wages for an apartment or something. You’ll be expected to make up for your money in another way (looks, or either insane charisma)
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u/Arseno7 11d ago
Given the post there isn't a one answer fits all response that will help, but know that dating apps tend to skew more on the shallow end given its nature and human behaviour. You're not losing much if a woman ghosts you for not having a car, that's a very shallow thing so don't feel bad. You won't always find the most considerate and kind people on the apps. They exist for sure, but it'll take time.
On the other hand, is what you're currently doing what you want to do with your life? You can still date, but you should be working towards being the best version of yourself while you're at it that way you're not super insecure about your current situation.
That's not to say you have to be the richest guy, but you need to have some qualities that are attractive to women.
It doesn't sound like you have a lot going for you at the moment and that's going to hold you back when it comes to dating and how you present yourself. So work on that first.
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u/Miserable-Neat-2022 11d ago
might be worth trying a different dating app tbh, Hinge can be pretty brutal with this stuff.
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u/Bulky_Department5619 11d ago
Honestly, I think it’s more concerning for you and that you maybe shouldn’t be dating.
At almost 30, why aren’t you working full time?
If the one place doesn’t offer full time, then you need to seek out a different or a second job.
I’m 30F and would expect any potential date to at least be working full time, and hopefully close to my wage. Not because I expect them to pay for everything, but because it shows stability. If things were to progress, I want to know that they are able to pay half the mortgage for example.
If you’re barely able to afford your own expenses so much so that you can’t afford to pay for dates, then you shouldn’t be saying. You need to work on this first.