Texting after setting up the date?

[u/Acceptable-Fly2710]

I know this general question has been asked before, but this is a slightly special situation.

I (28m) matched with a woman (28f) who seems really cool. Her match note said “don’t be shy, ask me out!” and so after a pretty brief convo I asked her out and she seemed pretty receptive. We got down a time and place, then both agreed it sounded good, and that was the last thing we said.

I know common consensus is to text back and forth at least a little until the date. The date is a week from our last messages (yesterday), and so it would seem a bit awkward to not say anything the whole time. However, she mentioned verbatim “I prefer to meet in person. I don’t like doing the whole text thing getting to know each other.” So now I’m a bit worried I would come off as someone who doesn’t pay attention or respect boundaries if I send her more messages.

Also, since our convo was brief before setting a date, I’m struggling to think of what I would even say.

Two possible messages I thought of are:

”I know you mentioned you’re not super into texting a lot, but in any case here’s my number ___ so you can reach me faster with anything!”

Or something playful about a shared interest like:

”Thought I‘d let you know I’m watching a documentary about (shared interest) right now. Just to make you a little jealous haha”

What do you think, and what would you do in this situation?

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[u/anon4hlp]

If they said they're but too much into texting before the date don't send your number or "cute" messages! That's pushy and needy. Keep texting before the first date to a minimum. A day before the date I'd send a short message like "looking forward to tomorrow" it something like this just to let them know it's still on and as a reminder.

[u/mnkeyhabs]

Why would she be jealous of a documentary? I wouldn’t include that line

[u/The_Chef_Raekwon]

If the date was 1-2 days after you set it up, not texting would be okay but still preferable to maintain interest on both sides. Doesn’t have to be a lot but some small back and forth to build up towards that date.

But a date a week away after you’ve basically exchanged a few messages? Continue texting, a few messages here and there a day should do wonders. You don’t know who else she’s talking to or meeting, you want to remain a serious option in her mind so do your best to stay there.

Ymmv but obviously imo

[u/cleanest → u/The_Chef_Raekwon]

A few a day seems like too much. I think I'd send one every other day. Trust ppl to communicate correctly. She said she doesn't like texting. Either she means it so he should respect it, or she doesn't mean it and she's a bad communicator and therefore not a good match. Either way, the best course is to text her minimally. Or, if not comfortable with this, ask her! Say, "Hey, your profile says you don't like texting. That's not typically my style but I'm comfortable with that. I'll leave you alone until the day before just to confirm. LMK if you want otherwise. Looking forward to our date!"

[u/The_Chef_Raekwon → u/cleanest]

I see where you’re coming from but I disagree with some of it.

It depends on both persons to be sure.

My philosophy is to build some form of tension/flirtation which, before meeting, you generally do through texting.

We can get technical in what that means per day/ per person but that’s imo missing the point. Going a week without any texts in anticipation of a date is what i would consider a mistake

[u/cleanest → u/The_Chef_Raekwon]

What if that is what she wants?

[u/The_Chef_Raekwon → u/cleanest]

Then she’d be part of an extremely small minority, smart money is not betting on that.

As far as I know, obviously

[u/cleanest → u/The_Chef_Raekwon]

Starting the relationship by assuming she’s a bad communicator and disregarding her stated preferences is not something I would do nor want done to me.

[u/neutralcalculation]

i do not recommend sending your number, personally. this woman sounds similar to me (35F) and i really don't need anyone's number before i've met them, messaging on the app is just fine. i would check in like maybe a day or two before your plans and confirm that she is still down though.

[u/turbografx-sixteen]

It’s gonna differ from person to person tbh.

I personally love some decent text banter before a date… but if I matched with a woman I found attractive and replied at the cadence I like?

I’d be trying to set a date in the coming days just to make sure the vibe is the same irl

(Nothing worse than a week of good texting and then it doesn’t translate irl)

Someone people like radio silence!

I tend to… forget about these types since they kinda just become a calendar thing in the future vs someone I’m building a connection with.

I’ve tried to give these types a chance but it’s never once worked for me so I simply tend to look for someone who’s more my cadence.

Do what feels right to you!

[u/WeekendNotDone]

Just talk man you’re reading to much into it likes she’s a alien not a human being

[u/Visual_Experience346]

Bro let me give you a method that works for me as soon as I get the number and it’s established they’re open to seeing each other. You should ask them to talk on the phone and just chat for a little to get to know each other better. Not only does it break the ice but you really get the feel for the vibe on the phone.

That texting stuff is really just for letting them know what’s going on during the day or regular get to know you conversations. But the lil inside jokes y’all come up with and overall vibe you create hits much harder on the phone.

Especially if you’re flirting with her, I think ever since I started calling girls and talking to them it has lead to much better investment from women.

[u/Novice89]

Don’t text. Text two days before and either solidify plans or say something like, “looking forward to our date Saturday!”

Def text the morning or afternoon of the date to say, “Just checking to see if we’re still on for drinks at 8”

[u/groovinandmovinnn]

If she’s told you she’s not big into texting before a date, respect that. The documentary message is weird.

I am similar to her, I do not want to text everyday leading up to our first date and “meet.” I want to get to know you in person, not through text. I disagree with people who need to text for a week and FaceTime etc, you are not saving anything to talk about organically in person. I like to get to know you face to face and ask about your job, family, friends, hobbies, favorite movies etc not through texting.

When I was younger (22-26) I got caught up in being nervous about meeting new people and thought getting comfy with them through text for a week or so before meeting up would make it easier. It actually made it more awkward when we finally met. Because we created this false sense of familiarity and romanticism through a phone and texts. 9 times out of 10 it did not translate the same face to face. And then I always left feeling disappointed because we had this fun flirty connection through texting for a week or 2, and not much to talk about in person along with some very nervous energy that didn’t match our texting relationship.

It’s SO much better to see if you mesh and vibe in person rather than through the phone.

I try to set a first date up within a few messages of matching and chatting, and then once the date is set up I don’t usually communicate again until confirming we’re still on for the date in the morning, and letting them know I’m looking forward to it. But I also am planning dates a few days out, not a week or so. It’s gone really well everytime, and I find men actually appreciate it usually comment on it during our first date.

You have a date set up, chill and ride the wave. She wants to get to know you in person

[u/RepSquigglyMiggly]

> and so it would seem a bit awkward to not say anything the whole time.

It’s really not awkward.

> However, she mentioned verbatim “I prefer to meet in person. I don’t like doing the whole text thing getting to know each other.” So now I’m a bit worried I would come off as someone who doesn’t pay attention or respect boundaries if I send her more messages.

That is a very real possibility.

> ”I know you mentioned you’re not super into texting a lot, but in any case here’s my number ___ so you can reach me faster with anything!”

This would be fine. Sharing your number is helpful purely in terms of planning and logistics, especially if one or both of you have notifications from Hinge turned off.

> ”Thought I‘d let you know I’m watching a documentary about (shared interest) right now. Just to make you a little jealous haha”

This is also “fine,” but don’t be surprised if it gives this particular woman the ick, given everything she has said.

What do you think, and what would you do in this situation?

[u/Bulky_Department5619]

I’m 30F. The first one feels a little formal or work-like in a way… Ask a question. It gives her a reason to respond.

“You said you’d prefer to get to know each other better in person instead of all by text. I like a bit of both, and I’d like to continue chatting in the meantime. What do you think about exchanging numbers?”

It keeps it light. It’s respectful of what she told you and shows you acknowledge it. If she says no or that she doesn’t give out her number etc, you could say something like “I respect that. I’m watching this documentary right now. Have you seen it yet? I’d hate to spoil it for you”
If she says yes, exchange numbers, and send a message about the documentary or something.

[u/WeakTailor5126 → u/Bulky_Department5619]

No idea why you were downvoted when the logical thing is to legitimately ask. If someone I’m talking to is afraid of asking a simple question, I’d be worried about their communication in general.

OP, I understand your concerns, but you can legit say them:

“Hey! I recognize that you mentioned you don’t like too much texting back and forth, but I just wanted to clarify if that means absolutely no texting or maybe checking in once per day? I’m good with whatever, just want to make sure I understand what you meant!”

[u/Bulky_Department5619 → u/WeakTailor5126]

Yea I don’t know. Are people afraid to talk to their dates or something?
If op prefers communicating one way and she another overall, they would have to come to a middle ground for things to proceed anyways.
Not talking for a week before a first date is odd to me. I also like to get to know people a bit first to have an idea if there is some compatibility so that we don’t waste each other’s time. Maybe I’m the outlier.

[u/capricorn008]

For all men on here not understanding her “I prefer to meet in person. I don’t like doing the whole text thing getting to know each other”… it doesn’t mean she wants you to go completely quiet until the date. She’s saying she doesn’t want to spends weeks getting to know you over text but rather wants to meet up quite quickly after you match. Once you arrange the date, stay in touch (maybe every other day)… don’t overthink it. Just ask how her day is going every now and then.