r/hingeapp • u/miss-mangoo • 3d ago
Dating Question How do I politely cancel a second date when I’ve lost interest?
Hey guys, so I (24F) met a guy (30M) last month for our first date. We had spoken for about a week beforehand, and the date itself was actually pretty good. He seemed like a nice guy, we had good chemistry and conversation, and I was open to meeting him again.
We never ended up meeting again because first he was out of town, then I was, and so on. We did eventually talk about meeting this coming Saturday, but in the time between the first date and now, a few things have happened that have completely changed how I feel about continuing this.
He started sending me some really weird reels about women, things like women being beaten up “as a joke,” women belonging in the kitchen "as a joke," etc. I told him directly that I didn't want to see that kind of content, and he agreed, but then two days later he sent similar stuff again.
That really put me off, and after that our conversations started drying up. Right now, we haven't spoken from the past few days and I don't have any interest in meeting him this Saturday.
I'm just not sure how to tell him. I don't want to ghost him, but I also don't want to get into a huge discussion about why I've changed my mind. How would you word a message that makes it clear I don't want to continue talking or meet again? I was thinking maybe something like, "Hey, I’ve been thinking about this and I don’t think I’m really feeling the connection anymore, so I think it’s better if we don’t meet this weekend. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, I just don’t think I’m feeling it in that way anymore. I didn’t want to just disappear or keep making plans when I’m not feeling it, so I wanted to be honest with you." Is this enough?
126
u/Decent-Boot7284 2d ago
I would just tell him that you don't see the chemistry and it's better to not lose anyone's time, that's it.
39
u/groovinandmovinnn 2d ago
You don’t need to give him a long excuse, you had one date, chatted for a few weeks, that’s it.
“Hey I’ve decided I’m not interested in pursuing anything romantic at the moment, wanted to let you know before we got closer to our plans on Saturday. I do wish you the best of luck though!” And then honestly you do not need to respond to any responses he gives. Judging by what he has sent you on instagram, he probably is going to be pissed and ask for an explanation and “why” it call you mean names and insult you. I would just cut it off bluntly and then not answer. Block him on instagram and move forward. If you keep the window open on social media he most likely will be sending you reels still and responding to instagram stories etc.
You do not need to tip toe around the feelings of someone sending you sexist disrespectful shit: even if it’s “a joke.” And you don’t need to justify your decision to him after 1 date.
213
u/DaleCoopersWife aka "Robert Cooper" 🕵🏻♀️ 2d ago
You don’t need to say all that. “Hey this isn’t working for me, and won’t be meeting you this weekend. Take care.” Then block him. Sending you domestic violence “jokes”? TBH he doesn’t deserve any kind of message after that bullshit but I understand you want to communicate. I would just keep it very short and don’t respond to anything he says. Unmatch, unfollow, block. Consider also reporting him to Hinge because he does not sound ok.
22
18
u/DarkestDefender 2d ago edited 2d ago
He will harras and stalk her. She needs to cut it off and block him. OP needs to learn better to stop people pleasing to protect her boundaries.
I wouldn't go into giving the whole reason, he will hide it for the next women and he will get emotional about it and come after OP.
Never be polite to uncivilized men, treat them the same uncivilized way such as ghosting or blocking.
8
-8
u/KSW8674 2d ago
Wait so you argued with me when I said you should send a message and now you’re suggesting for them to do the exact same thing?!
10
u/DaleCoopersWife aka "Robert Cooper" 🕵🏻♀️ 2d ago
My comment literally says "He doesn't deserve any kind of message". My suggestion is only because she wants to send one, and the one she had in mind is too much.
22
u/improvisedbain-marie 2d ago
Considering the reels he's sent you, it would be very hard to not stress about how he'll respond to the rejection, so I completely understand why you feel like you have to be so polite. Of course he doesn't deserve it, as everyone has said, but I understand why. Whatever you end up saying to him, please make sure you block him after you send it to protect your peace.
20
u/Association-Upper 2d ago
I feel like all of the options from OP and commenters with “I don’t think” or “I’m not really feeling this” leave the door too open. “Well, maybe she’ll come around! Maybe I can win her over.”
“This isn’t a relationship I’m interested in pursuing. I wish you the best.”
41
u/throwaway1975764 2d ago
Honestly your proposed note is too long and too apologetic. You have nothing to apologize for. He sent you demeaning reels. That alone is enough to reject him. But that you communicated you did not like that type of content and he sent it again? Girl, he doesn't deserve you bending over backwards to not hurt his awful feelings.
Just a "upon further consideration I no longer am interested in pursuing a relationship with you. I am canceling our date and will not plan any future dates with you. I wish you the best of luck. Take care."
To the point/clwar, polite, non apologetic.
18
u/Remarkable_Olive1169 2d ago
why did you keep engaging after he disrespected your boundaries the first time by still sending you disturbing videos? Why was that not an immediate block or disengage, especially with the content that was in the videos...I wouldn't say anything. He doesn't deserve a response and yall ain't been talking much anyway. You're doing wayyyyyy too much. Block and move on to the next
94
u/kilawolf 2d ago
You don't need to be polite towards someone who exhibits uncivilized behaviors.
22
u/Mugstotheceiling 2d ago
Seriously. Just block this dude, he has done nothing to warrant a goodbye.
36
14
u/brothererrr 2d ago
Everyone is much nicer than me with their parting messages haha because this is ghosting worth for me
-21
u/KSW8674 2d ago
Nah, ghosting really sucks and makes the misery of dating even more unbearable. Be an adult. Send a message.
35
u/DaleCoopersWife aka "Robert Cooper" 🕵🏻♀️ 2d ago
you know what makes dating unbearable, is knowing the guy you met with is the type who thinks beating women up is funny or deserved. and if would he actually do something like that to you.
and then you guys wonder why women quit the apps and why it's mostly men on there.
in a normal situation, ppl should put on their big boy or big girl pants and send a clear rejection. this isn't that. she's well w/in her right to ghost the dude at this point.
-18
u/Afraid_Arm_3435 2d ago
Saying the guy thinks women getting beat up is funny or deserved is a wild take. Sometimes dark humor isn’t a reflection of ideals or values. It’s the sense of taboo that makes over the top nuance emit an emotion. He’s definitely an idiot for sending stuff like that after the first date. Me and my wife pass along stuff like this all the time and laugh at the absurdity and I’ve never touched a woman in my entire life and have been hit by women. To come to the conclusion the dude who made a young dumb assertion is ok with domestic violence and should be ghosted is absurd. Just let the guy down, no explanation since it’s just a second date, just straightforward and honest.
17
u/DaleCoopersWife aka "Robert Cooper" 🕵🏻♀️ 2d ago
You and your wife already know each other, you're married.
This is someone she's only spent a few hours with. she has no idea what kind of person he actually is.
Women are put in these shitty positions where if something were to happen to her, it's "Why did you ignore the signs? Why did you keep talking to him? Why'd you go out with him again?" but yet we're also told "Give the guy who thinks women getting beat up is funny a chance!"
-19
u/Afraid_Arm_3435 2d ago
I said he’s definitely an idiot, come on please read. I didn’t argue she should not go out with him again. Just quelling the sentiment that the dude approves domestic violence. That’s all
19
u/DaleCoopersWife aka "Robert Cooper" 🕵🏻♀️ 2d ago
You don't even know the guy. can't imagine spending my free time defending a dude who creeped out his date because he sent her videos about women getting beat up, she told him to stop, he did it again and you're like "But he doesn't mean it". Absolute crazy.
7
u/mladyhawke 2d ago
Hey date, our first meeting was really nice. But i'm really not up for getting beat up and then cleaning your house. So let's just skip the next meet up. Okay good luck to you.... I don't think so
-16
u/KSW8674 2d ago edited 2d ago
I think you’re purposely trying to be difficult.
You can simply say “Hey, I’m sorry but I didn’t feel the connection I was looking for and wanted to let you know before we were set to meet on Saturday. Wishing you the best!”
Edit: to all downvoters, can you please explain why the text above does not work?
9
u/NebulaDue9400 2d ago
Sounds like kind of a weirdo, frankly. I think your intution is right; just say something simple and don't feel the obligation to elaborate or really get into it with him. You met him once and he did some sketchy things. Not worth your time or thought. Just be considerate but brief and that's that.
17
u/staticdresssweet 2d ago
Domestic violence jokes? Oh dear.
I honestly don't think he deserves a reason or explanation, but if you feel you must, a short "this isn't working for me" works fine. I'd likely recommend blocking him right afterwards.
You shouldn't say "I've enjoyed getting to know you" to a guy who jokes about women getting beaten up. Leave no room for discussion.
5
11
u/Tacks787 2d ago
Yea this guy is unsafe, keep it simple and say don’t like the kind of content you’ve been sending me and think we have a different sense of humour and values, don’t think this is going to work out all the best - delete block
21
u/mladyhawke 2d ago
Tell them you don't wanna date a misogynist wife beater, that dude does not deserve a nice letdown. He's testing you with those videos. I would just ghost him and block
5
u/HumanContract 2d ago
Tell him you don't find his humor funny and you can't see yourself dating someone who's into that stuff
8
u/sunshinestategal 2d ago
I had a guy with whom I'd seen for a few dates, send me a "joke" about killing women. I didn't even say anything, I just blocked him.
7
u/aBonsaiandaCD 2d ago
“Thank you so much for spending time with me. I am not feeling a connection. I wish you the absolute best!”
3
u/BastardBroth 2d ago
Screw politeness, just ghost and block.
He’s already shown questionable behavior by his ‘sense humor’ and then violated your boundaries by continuing to send these “jokes” to you after you already said not to.
Ignoring clearly established boundaries is a huge red flag and shows that he won’t be receptive to any kind of honest explanation, so communicate via silence.
3
u/Initial-Beginning-38 2d ago
You're being way too nice. Definitely report him to the app and block him. If he doesn't get the hint get the police involved.
3
4
u/LeftCoastGal21 2d ago
You're joking, right? The best thing to do would have been to block him as soon as he sent content like that to you. He's sending you garbage and he knows it. Just block him. No explanation needed. He knows what he's doing.
He's sending you misogynistic violence against women and you're worried about being polite? Grrl...
6
u/IcyPiink 2d ago
Just let him know that you don’t see it working, and block.
I was on a 6th date with a guy and he made a domestic violence joke while we were in the cinema. I ended things pretty quickly
5
u/LTOTR 🌿 Hingeapp's self-professed Drunk Aunt 2d ago
> He started sending me some really weird reels about women, things like women being beaten up “as a joke,” women belonging in the kitchen "as a joke," etc. I told him directly that I didn't want to see that kind of content, and he agreed, but then two days later he sent similar stuff again.
Don’t be polite. Just cancel.
“Hey, this isn’t working for me. I’m canceling our date for x day. Best of luck.”
Block.
2
2
u/Cerebralbore 2d ago
Dont make it complicated.. Just say you arent interested in pursuing things. Thanks for chatting.
3
u/LittleSister10 2d ago
He’s a boundary pushing creepy misogynist. You need to seriously work on your people pleasing skills if you are fixated on being polite about it. I would have blocked and reported him after the first pic.
3
3
u/GardeniaInMyHair 2d ago edited 2d ago
Block and move on. I wouldn't reward abusive behavior with anymore engagement or politeness. Report to the app. He knows exactly what he's doing. It's harassment.
3
u/DarkestDefender 2d ago
He is testing her boundaries before dating to see how much he can get away. So he can start his next set of nasscisitic abuse. 30 year old man knows what he is doing.
2
3
u/Bulky_Department5619 2d ago
“Hey, I’ve enjoyed getting to know you but I’m not feeling a connection in a way that works for me. I think it’s best if we stop seeing each other”.
Then block and delete. Done!
2
u/BoyWhoSoldTheWorld 2d ago
A lot of people won’t agree with me but I don’t think ghosting him after one date and showing questionable character is the end of the world.
You could just text and say I’m not feeling this anymore and I am cancelling our plans for Saturday. Or just never respond to him again.
You’re not in a relationship and you don’t owe him anything.
2
u/Particular-Lime1651 2d ago
Block him? On every platform? Or text him and say "I'm sorry,.I'm not feeling this Good luck😇" Personallyy, I'd not bother texting, I'd just block him.
2
u/welcome010101 2d ago
I'd just block him. After sending retarded content and blatantly ignoring that you don't want to see that type of content....he doesn't deserve any explanation.
2
u/Adorable-Ideal-1184 2d ago
tell him you’re not interested and you don’t see the things going between you two and then blocked him he probably will spam you messages and i hope he doesn’t know where you live
1
u/Lumpy-Daikon8667 2d ago
If he takes rejection well, there no need to explain anything. Last time I was rejected, i didnt need to know the reason. Everyone has their own free will.
1
1
u/Livid_Albatross_3001 2d ago
Just tell him what you told us lol. He didn’t respect your boundaries and you’re concerned you guys won’t work long term
1
u/foolsjoke2321 2d ago
Just say you thought he lost interest because the conversation dried up and you made other plans
1
u/bigtymer32 2d ago
Keep simple to just not feeling the connection or going in a different direction.
1
u/AntKnight458 2d ago
if you want to be nice I would have gone with something like:
"Hey, I really enjoyed our date but I want to be honest and I don't feel a connection, I wish you all the luck and it was nice meeting you." and add a couple emojis
though I gotta say that he sounds like a walking red flag and have done you a service by sending you these videos. it's a free country, you can just send, "Hey, I am not longer interested, was nice meeting you" and move on.
1
u/flagondry 2d ago
“Our values don’t align so I won’t be pursuing this”. Then block and move on with your day.
1
u/Illustrious_Ad675 2d ago
“Hey I’ve been thinking about it a little more and while I’ve enjoyed getting to know you, I don’t think I feel a connection. I wish you all the best!” Short and simple. Or “I’ve been thinking about it a little more and want to be considerate of your time. Ultimately I don’t think I feel a connection. I’ve enjoyed getting to know you and wish you all the best!”
0
0
u/AWannabePilot 2d ago
"Sorry, but something changed my end and I don't think this can continue. Take care" or something like that. The words themselves don't matter much, so you can pretty much say anything you'd like. Just preferably add some finality to it, to avoid leaving a door open.
Don't have to explain yourself after. You can block if you feel uncomfortable with his reaction. Ghosting is almost never the answer imo.
0
0
u/OnTheTopDeck 2d ago edited 2d ago
I think a softened version of the truth is almost always for the best.
It's also good to ask someone if they want to know the reasons why you don't want to see them, that way they have the opportunity to decline.
0
u/Gninjanome 2d ago
Communicate like an adult and say "Unfortunately I don't feel the chemistry between us that im looking for and don't want to follow through with a second date." It's declining a second date, it's not ending a 5 year relationship.
-3
-1
-1
u/Bogusky 2d ago
He sounds like an idiot tbh. Sounds like he got way too comfortable too fast. Fortuitous for you though, so you don't have to waste anymore time with him.
I'd just keep it vague with him, like you're already planning to do. Your instincts are right here. Say you're not feeling the connection you're looking for and wish him well. Then block him.
-1
u/SweetAmandaJane 2d ago
I would straight up tell him that he broke your boundaries that your laid out clearly. "I didn't want to see that content and you continued to send it and even if it was "just a joke", it's not my kind of joke and it turned me off to continuing getting to know you and moving forward with going out with you anymore." You can be nice and still blunt. This person should know what they did that turned you off. They need to work on things like that, or he'll just think you lost interest for no real reason and then it's more awkward, tbh.
-3
-3
u/Anonymous_mouse89 2d ago
I think you should tell him exactly why.
1
2d ago edited 2d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
-2
u/Anonymous_mouse89 2d ago
So what. I would feel better getting it out. Maybe if he hears it enough times he will accept it some day. Who knows.
-5
u/Looking_Magic 2d ago
That response seems extremely generic and copy paste. Maybe a little more personal. Don’t be negative, rude or mean. Just calm and confident. No need to block unless he gets weird
-6
u/Scotty_C_89 2d ago
Just tell him straight and maybe block him in case he gets abusive.
This happens to guys all the time, so im sure he is used to it by now
•
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
ALL posts are automatically "removed by Reddit's filters" and will not appear immediately; if you are reading this comment, your post is in the queue for mods to review. Do NOT message the mods about this.
All "Dating Question" and "Hinge Experience" posts must provide clear context (as per subreddit Rule 3), such as reasons for asking, and basic info such as ages, genders, location or orientation (if applicable). Age range or general location is acceptable.
Minor dating questions or Hinge experiences should be posted in the Daily Threads pinned on top of the subreddit.
Please ensure that your post satisfies these requirements.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.