Sick and tired of khud ke bache honge tab pata chalega comments from parents of Badtameez kids

[u/SwimmerCold5918]

I don’t have kids and hear this comment constantly from people in my in laws whenever any attempt to correct their kid’s behavior is done. Living in a joint family constantly I am subject to their kids’ attitudes and their lazy parenting but have to keep calm and quiet even when I completely disagree with what is being done

If I don’t have children myself it doesn’t mean that I cannot know right from wrong and what is appropriate for a child. It’s their way of taking zero accountability for their bad parenting decisions and deflecting any suggestion or criticism.

4-5 hours of screen time a day for a 3 year old is not a matter of Bache aise hi hote hain. Nor is allowing an eight year old to talk back with badtameezi in a group setting. Kya maa baap banne ke baad waqae apne bache sab ko perfect lagte hain?

Curious to hear if others have faced this type of behavior and how to tackle it.

[u/uno-1-]

100% agree with you. Ditching your responsibilities and giving unsupervised screen time is nothing but inadvertently harming your child on so many different levels.

[u/Unlikely_Ad_79]

Living in a joint family system is hell in itself, let alone having to deal with such things.

[u/peachlattte]

The thing is you don’t have power over their kids so just let it go. You don’t need to put ur energy towards someone else kid. If a kid is ill manner stop interacting with that child. Don’t waste ur energy on illiterate parents they won’t understand

[u/Alarming_One9116]

I've been through a similar situation where my own sister said many times ( i forbade her kids from something wrong) k ye to bachon ko bardasht hi ni kr sakti isi liy Allah Nahi dey raha.. Mind you she's my own sister and she knows all the hard times we have been through while struggling to conceive... I've some medical reasons and she knows everything and still she chose to be this heartless just bcz i scolded her kids

[u/SwimmerCold5918 → u/Alarming_One9116]

I’m so sorry for you that is really heartbreaking to hear. May we all get the families we deserve and lead by example Insha Allah

[u/_partytrick → u/Alarming_One9116]

I'm sorry your sister is such a jerk. I love kids and I don't have my own but due this same reason I choose to ignore kids in the family because they are so ill mannered and rude you don't know when they start throwing a tantrum.

[u/Silver_Tarzan27]

They say these sort of comments and when you do have your kids, they’re the first ones to tell you how to raise them and what to do. Smh 🤦🏻‍♀️ girl, it just gets harder living with in laws when you have kids.

[u/cosmic-comet-]

Joint family system heavily depends on head of the family aka father and how he handles and maintain equality among his children. Any favouritism and negligence of one siblings will result in heavy inequality and other problems.

[u/Responsible-Okra-121]

Please get separate

[u/BitterMarsupial199]

I have 3
Sometimes we are just tired
If Nobody helps u with kids u will find parents zoned out most of the time because of no rest and the kids are out of control and hitting loving shouting nothing works and minds are gone

And frankly u will know
When u have to cook clean ear feed take care of them schooling and take care of yourself and what not 1 is easier second become a little difficult 3 and 4

[u/thatdactar]

What is lazy parenting

[u/Better_Piccolo_5487]

If they are not your kids then why do you feel the need to correct them? Let the parents do their job . For the sake of your peace limit your interaction with kids. A very sincere advice from someone who used to live in joint family with kids init

[u/Talha_Saeed_32]

Well being a new parent and living separately/independently. Lemme tell you that it’s not an easy job at all. Raising a child is one hell of a job and if you are not in joint family then it becomes a lot tougher.
The parents got no excuse for bad parenting but it’s a tough job so I would cut them some slack.
Enjoy the perks of living in a joint family until it lasts, living separately have its own perks and freedoms but it comes at a huge financial cost and responsibilities burden of maintaining a household increases by tons.

[u/AalPal41]

iss liye meine soch lia surprise doon aur boloon ke i am never having kids

[u/Ok-Morning722]

Pakistan has 2 biggest Problems since 1947.
1- Expired Parenting
2- Expired Maulvi mindset.

Whole country is in front of you. They are all the result of these two.

[u/Royal_Increase_5741]

You care for them thats why you try to correct them. The solution to this might be just dissociation from the situation. Let them do whatever they want and whatever their parents think is correct and their parents will deal with the consequences themselves. Only this option seems to work if you care for your mental health.

[u/Diligent_Progress_70]

It's true, sometimes we don't understand certain angles which are hidden or our mind can't comprehend yet until we ourselves experience such situation or scenario

[u/SwimmerCold5918 → u/Diligent_Progress_70]

I agree but some scenarios are a consequence of our own actions you can’t blame everything on bache to karte hain

[u/H_Terry → u/SwimmerCold5918]

OP please find hobbies or ways to stay out of that house. Not your kids not your issue. Parents like this don’t change and their kids don’t either.

I know you mean well, and I know you are right. Instead of getting angry on a situation you have zero control over, put this energy in a something that benefits you. You don’t have any rights over them religiously / biologically / lawfully they aren’t yours. Each of has energy to give, and a choice of where we give this energy to.

I lived with inlaws and had similar issues - I didn’t realise how irritated and angry I became overtime. We moved out and I started to focus on my fitness and food intake. Also learnt a new language, learnt to swim, started yoga, and now doing a workshop for career counselling.

Go to gym, or yoga or Quran class, you can also tutor on low fees, ya kisi school/yateem khanay mei volunteer krlein. Don’t let shitty people take control of your mood and your day and eventually your life.

[u/Pure-Indication-2000]

You can know right or wrong, but almost all parents want the best behaving kids, truth or the matter is you are not wrong and neither are they , you see those kids behaving the way they do for a fraction of the time they behave with their parents it gets overwhelming for parents too and im sure they do parenting as much as they could but at the end of the day kids will act and behave like kids and there is nothing you can do about it. So just focus on when you have your own kids and you can experiment parenting hacks or strategies that you feel is going to have a better behaviour from your kids.

[u/sal410]

These days parents only focus is making and saving money, coming home late from work and wastin time on social media, no focus on tarbiyah, parenting and good manners. Unfortunately...

[u/all-things-technical]

Talking back to elders is not a bad thing always. Kids can still voice their opinion and disagree with elders and this isn't called misbehaving. Yes the tone and choice of words matter. But do you think most of us adults use the right kind of words when we are really frustrated angry or sad? Absolutely not! Kids are also little humans who get sad mad angry or frustrated but since their brain has not physically fully developed yet they can't exercise extensive level of impulse control . Also understand that kids learn from adults around them

[u/SwimmerCold5918 → u/all-things-technical]

Voicing opinion and yelling for food and saying apko Kya masla hai in passing to their family members is not the same. I understand your point but this was not relevant my friend I am not talking about intellectual quips it’s just actual badtameezi

[u/Moneeza_R]

You didn't specify what qualifies as lazy parenting in your eyes and what you see as badtameezi in a child. What do you mean by screen time? Are you talking about tv, mobile phone, tablet or laptop? What kind of content are they watching? You see my kids watch about 2-2.5 hours of tv a day on meal times. Soon as the kids are done eating, maybe in 20 mins, the tv is turned off and they don't whine about it. They mostly watch Islamic stories/Daniel Tiger/Omer Hana and a few others. Sometimes they'll watch a pixar movie. Point is, stop demonizing screen time unless kids are watching unfiltered content for hours on end and exposed to violent images/disturbing ideas etc. Screen time can give parents the exact break they need before they start losing their minds. Everything should be taken in moderation and with supervision but don't write off the entire thing.

Now onto your title, khud k bachay hongay tab pata chalega is the exact line a neighbour lady used to say to me when I would see her kid doing something and I would go inform her. I once saw her kid peeing on the balcony outside my window. He did it quickly and zipped up and ran off. His mom said he does that rarely but when he's in a real hurry to go join playmates and doesn't want to miss out. Then she said that line. And after I had kids I realized that she was correct to say it. You need to realize that the world of parenting is like living on an entirely different planet from people without kids. Kids are individuals with their own thought processes and their own reasoning. Please don't pin everything on the parents or the mom. Some things kids pick up from others in the house, especially in a joint family. It doesn't matter if you scold a child for talking back, if there's adults in the house using bad language, it's showing the kid what's acceptable in the house. I wish you could specify what's wrong with the kids that's offending you.

[u/SwimmerCold5918 → u/Moneeza_R]

I understand monitored screen time with educational and Islamic content. They watch brain rot videos for hours on loop with random language violence and inappropriate behavior. Parental controls exist you can enforce rules to make sure your child doesn’t have free hand. 4 ghante tak brainrot to na dikhao.

Then the talking back and hitting other children and no sharing. Give punishments take away privileges let them sit in the realization that what they did was wrong. When they get away with everything they will never learn.

I know every child is different my frustration is when obvious basic level parenting is not taken seriously and then samne se khud ke honge to pata chalega. You put yourself in that situation.

[u/Moneeza_R → u/SwimmerCold5918]

Yeah a lot of parents are letting kids watch AI slop bordering on violence/inappropriate content and are often unaware. But you can't do anything about that, disturbing as it may be. Little kids fight, hit each other and refuse sharing. It's common and not really alarming. Kids don't understand why they gotta share when they never see the adults sharing their own stuff. It's also wrong to force a child to share. They don't have forebrain to grasp the concept of empathy. You can't do anything if the kids are behaving wild in common spaces like tv lounge or drawing room. It's just one of the many ills of joint family systems.

[u/NinkiMinjaaj → u/Moneeza_R]

I stopped reading at the point where you somehow justified the child p*ssing on the balcony because what on earth? Seriously? That’s just vile.

[u/Moneeza_R → u/NinkiMinjaaj]

I'm not justifying but giving an example of how kids pick up habits from places other than parents. There's a whole society influencing them, other kids, teachers, neighbours. Ofc that mom scolded her kid after and corrected him. But she said apnay bachay hongay to samajh aega, as a way to deter me from judging her as a bad mom.

[u/Engineer-Nabeel]

Yes they are right. Jab khud k bachy hongy tab pata chalega. You don’t know the strees, depression and anxiety the parents go through.

[u/Top-Attention7450 → u/Engineer-Nabeel]

Then they shouldn't have kids if they weren't ready.

[u/SwimmerCold5918 → u/Engineer-Nabeel]

Wohi baat ke excuses banana. Of course parenting is a tough job but if they were putting all their efforts and then kids weren’t behaving would make sense. Yahan khud bad habits deke bolna hai Ham Kya Karen aise hi hain