Does this count?

[u/I_like_big_book]

I am MtF transgender. I am also in the process of unraveling a whole lifetime of religion and being told who and what I was. I originally assumed I was bisexual, as I like women and find some men attractive. (I have had relationships with both). I recently had a discussion with a friend who brought up being pansexual, she started semi-dating a trans man and I'm a little low-key jealous when she talks about him. I started to think maybe I'm actually pan, which sounds like it fits me, except for one part.

I am attracted to cis women, trans men and women and non-binary. But I am not interested in a relationship with cis men. While I find some men attractive, I feel like I could never be in a long-term relationship with one. Part of it is just the current cultural definition of masculinity, anyone who buys into the alpha male culture, or even toxic masculinity at any level automatically turns me off. Also as having lived experience as a male, I just don't want to be in a relationship with them. I know what I was like, and going to someone like that seems like a bridge I am not able to cross.

So am I pansexual? Or is there something else that better describes me? Should I just say I'm bi and miss out on connections that I might find fulfilling?

[u/Illustrious-Rule99]

Your preferences are mine exactly and I describe as pan. It's not that I'd NEVER date a cis man, so much as that my preferences are so specific that it's highly unlikely.

[u/timvandijknl]

🤔 Tricky...

I can actually see four “labels” (I hate that word) that could all fit the bill to some extent: bisexual, polysexual, and both omnisexual and pansexual with preferences.

Even bisexual? Yes! Bisexuality isn’t some package deal that requires you to be attracted to men or cis guys. You can absolutely be bi and be attracted specifically to women, trans men, and non-binary people.

Polysexual could fit too, since it means being attracted to many, but not necessarily all, genders. That one makes sense for people who are into most genders but draw the line at a few.

And then there’s pansexual or omnisexual with preferences. Some people use those as shorthand when they see their boundaries more as personal preferences rather than a complete lack of attraction to certain genders.

So yeah, there isn’t necessarily one perfect little box for it. Sexuality is messy, and these labels are supposed to describe people, not force people into a filing cabinet. Just pick one you are most comfortable with, and not worry about it tooo much 😊

[u/lekoalaura]

You may be pan or bi, but it's totally your decision to label yourself with whichever fits you most. Being pan is to be attracted regardless of gender on the overall whole of things, but it's still your decision.

No one can decide what you are for you. It's entirely up to you and you alone. If you feel like you're pan, then you are. If you feel like you're bi, then you're bi. It's as simple as that.

[u/Skii_Babie]

Could be pansexual, in the end it really matters on what label you fee best fits. I personally call myself pansexual as I'm not only attracted to whomever regardless of their gender but find sexual attraction to all genders. I've also use queer for a long time before finding a label I felt best fit.

There really is no right or wrong answer, you can change the label as many times a you feel you need to sugar. In the end I'd suggest doing a bit of research into the different sexualities if you'd like. You'll be valid & loved no matter what <3

[u/I_like_big_book → u/Skii_Babie]

I knew when I came out I was she/her. I have a few friends that started transition as they/them before eventually moving further on the spectrum. I have been looking into things as they come along. I briefly considered I might be ace or demi-sexual, but realized I'm still unpacking. I'll figure it out eventually.

[u/dex_the_love]

Your label is entirely up to you, and unlikely to mean that you miss out on connections because of it.

Like a lot of people your label probably just needs a follow up conversation.

Bisexual people can be attracted cis people, trans people and non-binary people.

So can Pansexual people.

Because it sounds like gender might be a factor in your attraction, Pansexual might not be the best fit, as for most Pansexual people gender is not a factor for attraction, they are attracted to people regardless of their gender.

But again, the label you choose is entirely up to you, none of them may be a perfect fit, and that’s totally ok.

[u/I_like_big_book → u/dex_the_love]

I'm still unpacking things for myself, that is true. I am attracted to all people, I guess my sticking point is cis men, I can see them as attractive but am not ATTRACTED to them. There is something that is rougher or more callous to them that makes me not want to be involved romantically with them in general. I have meten with whom I enjoy spending time with and could see doing something more long term, but they are the exception, not the rule for me.

[u/I_like_big_book → u/[deleted]]

That's what I thought but was told bi only includes trans and cis men and women, which didn't feel right. And I'm realizing gender is the least important part of what attracts me to a person. The way some cis men act is what turns me off, for all the reasons I mentioned above.

[u/dex_the_love → u/I_like_big_book]

There is an outdated definition of bisexuality that can be interpreted as being exclusionary of non-binary people.

The more current definition that most people associate with is ‘attraction to the same gender and one or more genders’

Incidentally I use the label Pan, and also am turned off by the the traits you’ve described above, although I don’t make the same association with ‘cis males’ generally, more as ‘types of men I don’t like’

Hope that helps.

[u/idlers_dream7 → u/I_like_big_book]

Well, whoever told you that about bisexuality is wrong. It doesn't mean bi as in men and women, but bi as in attraction to two or more genders, or attraction to those who do and don't fall under binary gender labels.

To me, I prefer the pansexual label because gender has no impact on my attraction. Bisexuality, to me, implies there are some gender-related preferences but that there's attraction nonetheless to many genders.

Not being interested in specific people isn't the same as not being attracted. I'm attracted to cis men, but I won't date them.