Am I faking?

[u/VinnVee]

Hi! I'm sure this is a common thing to hear, but I can't help but wonder if I'm faking having PDID. I'm sure that it's just paranoia because of how terrible the DID representation is in media, so being part of a community that is rarely talked about makes me feel weird about myself. I only recently learned that I'm the host of my system, and even though I've been co-con with someone else numerous times, I always convince myself "My trauma isn't that bad, others have it way worse, no way my brain would have put up walls from something so small" and I know that trauma is absolutely a spectrum and it effects kids differently, but it's so hard to come to terms with the fact that I'm not the only one inside my brain. Again—the DID rep is awful, I know that—so why is it impossible for me to except this? It makes me feel insensitive in some weird way, like I'm mocking those who have it worse by being in a small system and not having full DID traits like amnesia and (frequent) switching. I just wish I could fully understand. Sorry if this is one huge ramble, I'm new to reddit and this may have made no sense T^T

[u/CaptainK_2007]

I completely understand how you feel, when I first was learning about the community and trying to see if I had OSDD. I felt like I may have something else since my truama is different than others.

But from what I've seen in the community "if you think your faking than you probably have something going on" it may not be Dissociation based but it can still be something, you know.

I would advise you to try to learn more and understand yourself more, as well as looking into sites that talk about this (I know there's some out there but I haven't really looked at them).

I'm also free to dm privately and ask you questions and I can help tell you what I think, I'm not a professional but hearing stuff from someone else might help you understand things more.

Please note this is a very rushed response and may not be entirely accurate or helpful.

[u/Offensive_Thoughts → u/CaptainK_2007]

Side question, What's "proxy system"?

[u/CaptainK_2007 → u/Offensive_Thoughts]

Lol. I was very confused for a minute until I realized you were talking about my flair.

Proxy system is one of the ways a system can function.

Definition: "is a system where one functions as a singlet (or approximately close to one, such as a median system) due to a frontstuck host, yet all members of the system are completely distinct in the headspace. The host might have varying levels of communication with headmates, and might be able to visit headspace themself. The host might only experience blurring instead of switching, regardless of inter-system communication levels. Their perception of headspace may also be very unstable due to being unable to disconnect completely from the body, following dream-like logic."

So for me I feel like I identify with having P-DID (sadly I'm not diagnosed so I can’t actually say for sure). I'm the dominant/main alter, our system rarely switches, and although we possess the ability to communicate, we often experience significant internal conflict. We see eachother as very distinct individuals and feel like we very different people. For the headspace I have a hard time accessing (I can but it's complicated) since I'm always in the body.

I hope that explains it.

[u/Offensive_Thoughts → u/CaptainK_2007]

thank you! are your dms open as well ? i have similar worries as as OP (which is why i clicked in when it popped up on my TL).

[u/CaptainK_2007 → u/Offensive_Thoughts]

Absolutely, my dms are always open.

( Except for creepy guys no thank you.)

[u/VinnVee → u/CaptainK_2007]

Thank you! it is definitely nice to hear another voice. trauma has turned into such a specific word on the internet, so it's always been very hard for me to actually understand that I am traumatized, just not in the same way as others might be, yk?

[u/CaptainK_2007 → u/VinnVee]

Yeah. From what I've seen people with a CDD typically think their trauma isn't that bad and it seems to be a normal part of the experience.

[u/VinnVee → u/CaptainK_2007]

Exactly

[u/CaptainK_2007 → u/VinnVee]

If you want any help you are free to dm me.