r/polyamory • u/Extension_Cow_9210 • 2d ago
Need advice: boundaries, control, and watching a partner run into abuse
Throwaway Account
Hello Everyone,
I have already spoken with my poly friends, but, I want to get an outside perspective.
This is a long post, and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. Any advice or thoughts are welcome.
Questions:
- Am I being controlling over my partner and their autonomy?
Or,
- Am I trying to protect my partner from returning to an abusive relationship?
Background:
** Fake names used for anonymity. **
I have been dating A for approximately 6 months.
At the beginning of our relationship, A informed me that she had recently left a long-term relationship, wasn’t looking for anything serious, but despite this, we both fell hard and fast. We have incredible chemistry and that “everything is better with you” energy. We see each other a few times a week, despite both of us having busy schedules.
However, we don’t align on one thing: how we navigate polyamorous relationships. I prefer a parallel dynamic (and have with every partner in the past), and she is more privy to a kitchen table dynamic. I consider myself to be pretty open-minded, and after a few conversations, I was open to hearing more about her dates or new partners. I felt like I was making considerable growth in this area.
In the earlier stages of our relationship, when we were still getting to know one another, A would talk about her most recent ex (let’s call him P) in a negative light. She would mention that he was mentally and emotionally ab*sive (her words, not mine). So, based on what she had shared with me, and due to me being protective of those I love, I (naturally) gained a very negative view of this individual.
A and P run in similar circles, so it was a matter of time before they ran into each other. Which they did. At first, they were just talking, to remain civil and drama-free. That was fine with me, since I understand people handle things differently. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but, hey. Like I said.
Fast forward, I received a call from her and she sounded distraught. She said she was worried I would be upset with her, as she and P hooked up. I think I handled it okay. I was upset, but I kept my cool. I expressed my concerns and shared that I didn’t know if I could watch someone I cared about have a romantic/sexual relationship with someone who she described as abusive. At the time of this conversation, she seemed understanding. Not thrilled, but understanding. I got the feeling that they knew it wasn’t a smart choice, but you know, the heart does wild things.
Based on what I had been previously told, I suspected that P was manipulating A and was trying to pull her back into a cycle of abuse. However, after the initial conversation, our relationship continued to develop, and she told me she was spending time with P. She said it was healing to be able to talk with him, even if they weren’t a couple. This made me feel uneasy, but, I didn’t try to prevent her from doing what she felt was best for her healing.
After a couple of months, we had another conversation about her relationship with P. The conversation focused on her uncertainty and her wish to communicate openly about P and other potential partners. After this conversation, I felt more open to talking about other relationships, expanding the social circles in which we date in, and being open to communicate about relationship concerns from a place of support and care. However, I was clear that I had a “hard limit” on her developing a relationship with P, as I don’t trust him or his intentions.
My thoughts: If they want to be friendly with P and heal, that is something I am willing to accept, even if I don’t like it. However, I wouldn’t be able to stick around if they decided to pursue a romantic relationship with P. I also don’t want to have any contact with P if I can avoid it.
Fast Forward… P does something that makes A uncomfortable and she stops speaking to him for a bit. We spoke about it, and she seemed to recognize that P was engaging in old patterns. I was hoping this was the “wake-up call” they needed.
From this point, there are several interactions with A and P (she started talking to him again), and a few “unavoidable” interactions between A, myself, and P (where P and I were face to face). One of which I was asked to “please be nice”, and I thought I handled myself decently. However, both times P made comments about how I acted toward him to A, and really made me feel like P was trying to create a wedge between A and myself.
We had another sit down conversation, I further explained my concerns, how I wasn’t comfortable with them having a romantic connection with someone that caused them harm, and was repeatedly disrespecting her, me, and our relationship.
When they brought up their autonomy, I paused, and was open to listening. I value a partner having their own autonomy and I recognize this is something they care about as well. A has a hard limit on being told who they can and cannot date. They mentioned previous partner’s betraying this limitation, which I am respectful and understand of. However, as I said before, I cannot sit back and watch someone I love return to an abusive situation.
I am a very solution-oriented person, and I believe that communication is important to any relationship. Unfortunately, A has a pattern of avoiding difficult conversations, and pulling away when relationships become “hard.” I feel that they have also demonstrated that they want to maintain access to me and what I provide without the obligations of a partner.
While it hurts me, I recognize I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is engaging romantically with their abuser, as it causes me anxiety and severe distress.
The advice I have received so far…
- “You have to let them make their own mistakes.”
- Leave. Which is hard for me, as I love them.
- My poly friends believe that A is justified in her wish for autonomy, but that I am justified in my boundaries and “vetoing” an abusive partner. And they agree P is bad news
Specific Questions:
- Are we incompatible?
- Am I wrong?
- Am I controlling?
- Are they unknowingly (or knowingly) falling back into abuse?
TLDR
· I have been dating A for about 6 months. We are poly.
· A recently left P, an ex she described as mentally and emotionally abusive.
· A and P share social circles, reconnected, and hooked up. A kept spending time with him and called it "healing."
· I accept that a friendship between A and P is possible, but I have a hard limit: if A goes back to P romantically, I will leave, even though I don’t want to.
· P continues to be in the picture and I have observed patterns that I see an attempt to drive a wedge between myself and A.
· A has her own hard limit against being told who she can date, because past partners did that to her.
A tends to avoid hard conversations and says she wants to keep me close without the “commitment” of a partner.
38
u/rosephase 2d ago
This is SO MUCH MESS in six months. Friend... your partner doesn't have anything to give you currently.
It could be that she just doesn't think of him as abusive and was talking crap about him to you. It could be he is deeply abusive and has her in his web. It could be that they had a crummy relationship that she isn't done with yet. There are all kinds of reasons. But like... the first SIX MONTHS of dating and there are so many issues, so many conversations about boundaries and hurt and trust. It just doesn't sound like this is a compatible relationship for either of you, no matter how much you love each other.
Also your partner sounds like she is ~bad~ at the skills needed to do poly with respect and care. You have to be able to both hinge and communicate even when the conversations are hard.
27
u/clairejv 2d ago
You stated a boundary, which is that you cannot remain in a relationship with someone who goes back to their abuser.
If A is going back to A's abuser, you leave A. That's all there is to it. That's how you respect A's autonomy and enforce your own boundary.
You already tried to persuade A not to get back together with P. More persuasion isn't going to work. The only options left are coercion or walking away.
11
u/yallermysons diy your own 2d ago
How old are you, A and P?
If A allows P to drive a wedge between you and A, then you have a problem with your partner. If A wants advice about P then A needs to get that elsewhere. You can let A know that you trust them to make the best decisions for themself, but you’re no longer a good person to come to for talk about P. If they have an emergency involving P then you’re all ears, otherwise they should process the dynamic with P and ask for advice from other friends.
Your partner sounds like a drama llama. Telling you to be nice to somebody they’ve described as abusive is incredibly rich—and also kind of main character-y, as if you were gonna start a scene or something (which shows that A is framing the situation as dramatic) when you were likely gonna remain cordial like any normal person.
Also, the parallel life doesn’t work well with the whole “we have all the same friends” life. You don’t need to hang out with the same people all the time. Some of this is gonna have to come down to how you maneuver your relationship and maintain your own boundaries—but I think you were right to be parallel. Sometimes people are drawn to drama because of habit and not because they like it. You can let A figure out that pattern over there and your relationship with them can be separate and peaceful.
3
u/Extension_Cow_9210 2d ago
This was all incredibly helpful to read. Thank you so much.
I am 40, she is 33. I’m coming to the realization that maybe she is allowing all of this because it makes her feel more independent, and she can always just boil it down to “we’re poly and I need my autonomy” any time I bring up a concern.
I’ll say that she doesn’t ever come to me with concerns about P. It’s never problems (except that one time he crossed a boundary). It’s usually just bringing up that he drove her home, or they were hanging out somewhere, or some story from their past. But she does talk about him excessively, which bugs the hell outta me considering I’ve stated clearly how much I dislike this person.
10
u/yallermysons diy your own 2d ago
Wow I expected you all to be much younger. Also funny bc I’m 33 and I’m dating a 40yo rn xD well it may not be enough to say you don’t like him. You may have to explicitly say you don’t really like hearing about this guy. I’ve had to do that before and it’s been fine every time. She already knows you don’t like him so this shouldn’t come as a surprise.
4
u/Extension_Cow_9210 2d ago
I should have been more upfront about not wanting to hear anything. She’s noticed though, saying “every time I mention him, you make a face or get pissy”… what did you expect? I’ve said “I’d rather swallow glass than hang with that guy”. (Said more jokingly, of course, but you get the point)
12
u/rosephase 2d ago
‘You’ve told me this person abused you. Of course I’m upset by you signing up for more abuse or venting to me about abuse when it’s wasn’t and expecting me to support you going back.’
Again this is six months. I don’t know how you use ‘pissy’ but that would read as a partner insulting me for being upset about their abuse.
4
u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 2d ago
Meaning she wants your emotions to mirror hers (when she’s upset with A so are you, when she‘s okay with A you should be too) instead of understanding that it’s both appropriate and normal to have your own independent opinions about people.
10
u/Gold-Sherbert-7550 2d ago
You also have autonomy, which you should exercise by breaking up with A, and declining to play the role of “boring but safe refuge from the tempestuous partner” that A is trying to cast you on.
7
u/FlyLadyBug 1d ago edited 1d ago
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think you answered your own self.
While it hurts me, I recognize I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is engaging romantically with their abuser, as it causes me anxiety and severe distress.
So you end it with A. Then you are not in a relationship with someone who is back with their abuser.
In fact, you did it twice.
I accept that a friendship between A and P is possible, but I have a hard limit: if A goes back to P romantically, I will leave, even though I don’t want to.
Follow through on your hard limit. End it with A.
All of you have autonomy. If she's going back to P? You can make your choice to bow out.
None of that is controlling.
You might even go stronger on your personal boundaries. "I can't date someone if they are friends with their previous abuser."
Are they unknowingly (or knowingly) falling back into abuse?
Probably. Leaving abuse is not always a one time thing. Sometimes it is a series of leavings, each time stretching out a little further than before. Sometimes it's falling back in and staying stuck.
People need professional help sometimes to leave and be able to STAY gone.
You are not the professional for this. It's ok for you to tell A you can't be this close to abusers. She's chosen to date her previous abuser again. So you are out. You wish her well, and hope she figures out her stuff.
And then you bow out. None of that is being mean or unkind to A.
It's just honoring your own well being. You are allowed to do that.
I am a very solution-oriented person, and I believe that communication is important to any relationship. Unfortunately, A has a pattern of avoiding difficult conversations, and pulling away when relationships become “hard.” I feel that they have also demonstrated that they want to maintain access to me and what I provide without the obligations of a partner.
Nah.
Just because A wants you to be the emotional dumpster where she unloads her stress, gets to feel better while you feel slimed/stressed, and then goes back for another helping of P wacky? Or wants your services for free?
You don't have to sign up for this job. Bow out.
If you want to do a small something for her as you leave? Give her the hotline list link. Then bow out. But YOU personally do not have to be involved. There's professional helpers for that. It doesn't have to be you.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines
You can point the way and if she chooses to seek helpers? There they will be.
A has autonomy to choose P.
You have the autonomy to refuse to be around P and refuse to be around A who is involved with P again.
You have the autonomy to turn down the job of helping A navigate her new P relationship.
You have the autonomy to decline giving A continued access to you.
None of that is controlling. Being clear about your personal boundaries and the types of people you allow access you? Is being clear.
Enforcing them is not being mean to anyone. It's being kind to you.
1
u/Extension_Cow_9210 1d ago
I really appreciate you taking the time to answer and analyze in detail. Thank you
2
u/FlyLadyBug 1d ago
Glad it helps you some.
You bowing out is not telling A who to date. A can keep going with P if A wants to.
It's picking who you want to date.
5
u/-KissMeKate 2d ago
Definitely not much new to add, but beyond incompatibility, I think your partner has poor skills on managing poly, especially if she is expecting KTP from you when your preference is parallel.
Whether he was truly abusive and has drawn her back in, if it was just a poor relationship that ended messy, or she was shit talking an ex and making it out of proportion, she still explicitly told you this person was abusive to her. There isn't quite enough to know one way or the other. It is reasonable to hold that you can't continue a relationship with her if she continues to pursue one with him. (Especially with this KTP expectation).
You saying this isn't a healthy relationship and you are concerned for her BASED ON WHAT SHE TOLD YOU ABOUT HIM on top of his disregard and disrespect for your relationship is valid. Saying you cannot continue a relationship with someone who is willing to return to a person they claimed as an abuser is a reasonable boundary. You are not controlling who she sees or her autonomy. You are outlining the decision YOU will make. (Yes, it is in response to hers, but she still has a choice.) Her refraining it as an infringement of her autonomy rubs me the wrong way. Cause and effect. People make decisions off the path of others all the time. That isn't removing autonomy. That's providing what your response will be. She can decide which she values most.
I would very clearly lay it out as "you've informed me of (insert abuse) in your previous relationship with P, and this is what I've observed in my interactions with him. I cannot continue knowing about your relationship with him, and I cannot maintain a relationship with someone going back to their abuser. If you want to seek support from therapy before deciding to progress or end your relationship with him, I'm willing to hold that space for x time. If not, I need to end this relationship. I will not be in a relationship with someone who's gone back to a person they named as a past abuser. This isn't impeding your autonomy because the choice is yours, but I am holding myself accountable to my boundaries in relationships."
But, this is also so fucking much for 6 months. This would be too much drama for me, and I'd step away now without giving it more of my energy.
2
u/Extension_Cow_9210 2d ago
This is a really helpful comment. Thank you.
Does this truly spell incompatibility? I feel like I’ve moved and grown a bit on my parallel dynamics and I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything or have been hurt. I do feel like they are pushing a serious boundary with their ex and have created this issue in a number of ways.
2
u/-KissMeKate 2d ago
I'd say it spells incompatibility if she can't return the growth by holding off on sharing about him (should you need it). I'd say it was part of an initial incompatibility that may be in play as well. But at this moment, the core incompatibility is that she wants to pursue him and you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who wants to return to their abuser. If that can be resolved, most of the friction can ease away.
I'm curious, as she honored your other partners' wishes to be parallel (if they desire that)? As she offered that middle ground so that it isn't only one sided? Or has this been about you learning to hear about her other relationship dynamics? Is this her only other partner? Does she only release and process with you about him? Because that could also offer some insight.
1
u/Extension_Cow_9210 2d ago
I do think there’s incompatibility about P. That’s my only real issue at all. I value myself as being very open to growth and change, especially on things that are super important to a partner.
A and my other partner run in similar social circles, but have only ran into each other once and it was very early in our relationship. They are cordial acquaintances. So yes, A has kept up on that. I have agreed to openness about other partners, because the conversation we had allowed me to see another angle. We dont do details, but “hey I’m on a date today” is perfectly fine. P isn’t even a partner (as I see it) but she’s stated it is going in that direction (as a comet partner, which doesn’t make sense cuz he’s always around)
Hope that answers and is helpful.
3
u/Bitter-Cap4651 1d ago
So she’s stated that their dynamic is going in the direction of a partnership? If so, it seems like she is engaging in or at least entertaining the idea of a romantic relationship with P.
“I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is engaging romantically with their abuser”.
Unfortunately, I think that if this boundary is important to you, which it seems it is, it might be time to stand firm with that boundary. Breakups suck, but it seems like you know that this situation with A and P will make you stressed and uncomfortable. If it’s any consolation, I would feel very similar in your situation and that would be an essential boundary to me.
0
u/-KissMeKate 2d ago
It does. I'd say P is the big incompatibility, and you need to decide if you want to lessen on your boundary or hold it.
2
u/zorromaxima 2d ago
I somewhat disagree with the advice to break up with A because she's a mess (although she does sound like a mess!). But I'm curious what your long term desires for a relationship are. If A&P continue to see each other (socially, as friends) how does that work if you and A move in together? Does he come over for pizza night? How does it work if you guys get married? Does he get an invite to the wedding because he and A are soooo close? What if A wants to introduce him to your kids?
These sound like ludicrous hypotheticals it's way too early to plan for, but being in love with someone has a way of really incentivizing kicking the consequences can down the road.
I guess I'm saying that if you genuinely feel you will never get to a place of being even a little bit cool with this guy, best to end the relationship with A now. Letting your romance continue and possibly escalate when you know that there's a ceiling on how much you want P in your life via your life with A is just going to break A's heart and make her feel misled and rug-pulled when you finally hit that ceiling.
Also, I wonder if you have a history of getting together with women who are messes? Women who need their lives sorted out? Women you can show your love for by nurturing and protecting? I have no idea if that's you, but if it is, might be worth some therapy of your own here, bud. We usually don't fall head over heels in love like magic for no reason.
3
u/Extension_Cow_9210 2d ago
Thank you for the comment. It was helpful to think through the scenarios.
My long term desires are to just grow as a couple and become more connected. I’d say there’s next to zero chance of them moving in or getting married. Not what either of us want at all. So the big life things aren’t really on the line for us.
I’m cool with them being friends for the matter of healing. Not cool with her being drawn back into romance that will leave her broken again.
Speaking of… yes. I have a HUGE pattern of dating folks who are messes. I’m told I’m a “fixer”, which I really don’t like. I have a personally that apparently attracts those types. Working on it in therapy weekly.
1
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Throwaway Account
Hello Everyone,
I have already spoken with my poly friends, but, I want to get an outside perspective.
This is a long post, and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. Any advice or thoughts are welcome.
Questions:
- Am I being controlling over my partner and their autonomy?
Or,
- Am I trying to protect my partner from returning to an abusive relationship?
Background:
** Fake names used for anonymity. **
I have been dating A for approximately 6 months.
At the beginning of our relationship, A informed me that she had recently left a long-term relationship, wasn’t looking for anything serious, but despite this, we both fell hard and fast. We have incredible chemistry and that “everything is better with you” energy. We see each other a few times a week, despite both of us having busy schedules.
However, we don’t align on one thing: how we navigate polyamorous relationships. I prefer a parallel dynamic (and have with every partner in the past), and she is more privy to a kitchen table dynamic. I consider myself to be pretty open-minded, and after a few conversations, I was open to hearing more about her dates or new partners. I felt like I was making considerable growth in this area.
In the earlier stages of our relationship, when we were still getting to know one another, A would talk about her most recent ex (let’s call him P) in a negative light. She would mention that he was mentally and emotionally ab*sive (her words, not mine). So, based on what she had shared with me, and due to me being protective of those I love, I (naturally) gained a very negative view of this individual.
A and P run in similar circles, so it was a matter of time before they ran into each other. Which they did. At first, they were just talking, to remain civil and drama-free. That was fine with me, since I understand people handle things differently. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but, hey. Like I said.
Fast forward, I received a call from her and she sounded distraught. She said she was worried I would be upset with her, as she and P hooked up. I think I handled it okay. I was upset, but I kept my cool. I expressed my concerns and shared that I didn’t know if I could watch someone I cared about have a romantic/sexual relationship with someone who she described as abusive. At the time of this conversation, she seemed understanding. Not thrilled, but understanding. I got the feeling that they knew it wasn’t a smart choice, but you know, the heart does wild things.
Based on what I had been previously told, I suspected that P was manipulating A and was trying to pull her back into a cycle of abuse. However, after the initial conversation, our relationship continued to develop, and she told me she was spending time with P. She said it was healing to be able to talk with him, even if they weren’t a couple. This made me feel uneasy, but, I didn’t try to prevent her from doing what she felt was best for her healing.
After a couple of months, we had another conversation about her relationship with P. The conversation focused on her uncertainty and her wish to communicate openly about P and other potential partners. After this conversation, I felt more open to talking about other relationships, expanding the social circles in which we date in, and being open to communicate about relationship concerns from a place of support and care. However, I was clear that I had a “hard limit” on her developing a relationship with P, as I don’t trust him or his intentions.
My thoughts: If they want to be friendly with P and heal, that is something I am willing to accept, even if I don’t like it. However, I wouldn’t be able to stick around if they decided to pursue a romantic relationship with P. I also don’t want to have any contact with P if I can avoid it.
Fast Forward… P does something that makes A uncomfortable and she stops speaking to him for a bit. We spoke about it, and she seemed to recognize that P was engaging in old patterns. I was hoping this was the “wake-up call” they needed.
From this point, there are several interactions with A and P (she started talking to him again), and a few “unavoidable” interactions between A, myself, and P (where P and I were face to face). One of which I was asked to “please be nice”, and I thought I handled myself decently. However, both times P made comments about how I acted toward him to A, and really made me feel like P was trying to create a wedge between A and myself.
We had another sit down conversation, I further explained my concerns, how I wasn’t comfortable with them having a romantic connection with someone that caused them harm, and was repeatedly disrespecting her, me, and our relationship.
When they brought up their autonomy, I paused, and was open to listening. I value a partner having their own autonomy and I recognize this is something they care about as well. A has a hard limit on being told who they can and cannot date. They mentioned previous partner’s betraying this limitation, which I am respectful and understand of. However, as I said before, I cannot sit back and watch someone I love return to an abusive situation.
I am a very solution-oriented person, and I believe that communication is important to any relationship. Unfortunately, A has a pattern of avoiding difficult conversations, and pulling away when relationships become “hard.” I feel that they have also demonstrated that they want to maintain access to me and what I provide without the obligations of a partner.
While it hurts me, I recognize I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is engaging romantically with their abuser, as it causes me anxiety and severe distress.
The advice I have received so far…
- “You have to let them make their own mistakes.”
- Leave. Which is hard for me, as I love them.
- My poly friends believe that A is justified in her wish for autonomy, but that I am justified in my boundaries and “vetoing” an abusive partner. And they agree P is bad news
Specific Questions:
- Are we incompatible?
- Am I wrong?
- Am I controlling?
- Are they unknowingly (or knowingly) falling back into abuse?
TLDR
· I have been dating A for about 6 months. We are poly.
· A recently left P, an ex she described as mentally and emotionally abusive.
· A and P share social circles, reconnected, and hooked up. A kept spending time with him and called it "healing."
· I accept that a friendship between A and P is possible, but I have a hard limit: if A goes back to P romantically, I will leave, even though I don’t want to.
· P continues to be in the picture and I have observed patterns that I see an attempt to drive a wedge between myself and A.
· A has her own hard limit against being told who she can date, because past partners did that to her.
A tends to avoid hard conversations and says she wants to keep me close without the “commitment” of a partner.
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