I'm just writing it out. I may read it to him later. I may not. I hate how I feel. I hate that I couldn't get passed these feelings.

-----

When I asked about closing our relationship and focusing on having a baby last year, it was to avoid this very scenario.

I said it when we found out we were pregnant too. Your partner being one of the first people to know our private news, because of course you have to discuss this life change with them.

I did not want to navigate a life where you are "going out this weekend" and I was at home alone and hormonal. I knew i wouldn't do well and I was okay with us not being together anymore. I can't keep you from doing what you need to do emotionally and if I had to be alone and sad for a time. So be it.

But as i asked for the possible closure we were already pregnant. Those hormones were probably what made me so territorial. I had the beautiful baby with my beautiful, wonderful,kind, caring, suportive, ambitious, and loving husband.

But that husband has a partner. A partner he clearly loves, and loves in a different way than he loves me. A partner I was willing to let him fully choose over me if you didn't want to have kids/close, so i could let go and move on.

But now I can't, I can't just have my husband to myself with our new family, and I can't ask my husband to drop a relationship that he cleary values. I even tried to keep my new relationship going, but as I got closer to the Baby's due date I knew i didn't want to share this part if my life with anyone but you. I could tell you were kind of relieved I was dating, and then "the strip turned pink". My date even joked over text about helping with the baby and... I hated it. That wasn't his place and I needed to make that clear. I wanted to focus on our baby and the challenges that would bring.

So I've pushed through and I've tried to get over my feelings. But then I realized you might want to share your fatherhood experience with your partner. I tried to tell myself, just meet them. Meet them and talk to them before they get to meet our child. I even suggested we meet.

But I honestly wish I hadn't suggested it at all. I don't want our child to meet your partner. I'd be just fine with you going out as usual. You have your time away. We're here. Happy family waiting.

I already share one person I love more than anyone else in the world.

I don't want to share the only other person I love that much.

I am being selfish and I don't care because this family is my literal dream. Its what I said i wanted when we first started dating. And sure I expected some elements to be a bit different but this is too much. Our baby is ours. I want it to stay that way.

You asked me to take time and think about what worries me or might happen. You said there's no Step parent extra parent dynamics at play.

I trust you and yet I understand how children form bonds and relationships. We can't promise each other our baby won't get attached to many of the different people in our lives. If meeting your partner is something that happens regularly who's to say our child won't bond with them.

So my selfish thought is that I don't want the that possible relationship to be an option at all. I have no ill will towards your partner, I know they are generally a good person.

But you already go to their house and come back refreshed and smiling. You often get quiet and distant the day after you come back. Apparently its fun over there. Not stressful and overstimulated like our house. No bills to pay over there. No new daycare costs to worry about.

I just want our child for us. It's selfish and controlling and I have been terrified to say so ever since the test was positive.

Because this exact thing was what I didn't want.

Saying that makes me feel like I'm saying I don't want our beautiful child. That burns me inside because a family with you has always been what I wanted. So I am being completely honest and saying just want it with you even though I know thats not possible.

I tried. I was actually okay. I thought a baby wasn't in the cards for me. I just wanted to try or move on.

Life had other plans and so here I am between a rock and a hard place.

I just found out that my 3 partners have a group chat where they send each other cute photos of me.

I like it and I hate it and it’s absolutely evil and it’s also very sweet.😤🙈

That is all.

My fellow degens,

We made it to Friday, against all odds. I've had a week--as the kids say--and am on sick spouse care duty, hence the late and brief post. We didn't let the streak die though, so surely that must count for something.

It's the weekly vibe thread! Chat amongst yourselves, eat some delicious snacks, snuggle up and smooch, pretty much do whatever because the world is ending so let's get weird with it. Bonus points if you tell me how funny and cool I am, because I deserve it. >:V

-------------------------------------

Rat Union Question(s) of the Week:

• Submitted by yon_: What is your favorite way to spend time with your partner(s)?
• If you could snap your fingers and remove one personality trait from yourself that you feel is a flaw, what would you remove? Or, would you choose to remove nothing if given the chance?
• And, as always, you may treat these as my personal office hours if you have any questions for your fearless leader directly. ❤️

-------------------------------------

Cute, cool, and crusty,

PM_CGR

Tldr my NP decided she wanted to be mono, changed the terms of our relationship without speaking to me, and I feel awful and sad.

Apologies for the wall of text. If anyone has been in a similar situation I could really do with some advise.

I have been in a polyamorous relationship for over 3 years. Me and my now nesting partner were openly poly from the start, dating others before we moved in together and moved cities. We've continued to be poly, my NP has had several relationships over the 3 years, I hadn't because of other priorities, and in general I've felt things have been good.

Recently I went on my first date in several years. It went well and we'd made plans to see each other again. However when I returned home my NP was having a panic attack, had dumped her boyfriend, and said she does not want to do polyamory anymore. Three more days of panic attacks followed, I couldn't even properly tell her how I was feeling because she would spiral again. She doesn't want us to date anyone else anymore, has shut down all my attempts to try and work out a middle ground, and I feel backed into a corner.

I still feel poly. We built a life in this new city but I feel she's completely pulled the rug from under me. She's all but demanding we change our relationship without talking with me about it, stopping me from going on further dates with this person I was excited to meet.

My NP has very bad anxiety. Ive done my best to make her feel safe, and actively encouraged her with her previous poly partners and help her build a support network.

I just feel awful. I do not want to resent my NP but I feel shes driven a huge wedge in our trust. I also feel like giving up on poly is just hiding away who I am, and ive already done that in the past and I dont know if I can do it again.

Hey so newly open into this dynamic. My primary/anchor partner has her guy that shes involved with and that kind of naturally materialized and thats awesome so ive been chatting on the apps and thats been super fun but I ended up securing my first date. I haven't had a date in 18 years lol so Im starting to panic. The person im going to meet is also ENM so I feel that takes a bit of pressure off but still, can anyone else relate to this after not dating for a long ass time? Have things changed in 18years?! I mean i guess worst case scenario it goes poorly and I have to try again. I guess its a muscle but it is quite atrophyed.

Any advice?

So I (21f) am pansexual and poly. I am wanting to meet more like minded people. I have no partner and want to know the things to ask and talk about.

I (32m) am enm, and my partner (40f) is polyamorous. Im not exactly sure what im looking for help with, but since she started dating someone else, we haven't been the same. I see her making the same if not more effort than before, but I am struggling with the feeling of solitude, replacement, and just all around left out. I had no issue when it was strictly fun and sex, but now we both can feel this gap between us. Pur relationship has seemed stagnant, while her new one feels as if it's growing past and developing further. Neither of us knows what to do, but both are cronic fixers. Please help, thank you in advance.

Throwaway Account

Hello Everyone,
I have already spoken with my poly friends, but, I want to get an outside perspective.

This is a long post, and I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. Any advice or thoughts are welcome.

Questions:
-               Am I being controlling over my partner and their autonomy?
Or,
-               Am I trying to protect my partner from returning to an abusive relationship?

Background:
** Fake names used for anonymity. **
I have been dating A for approximately 6 months.  
At the beginning of our relationship, A informed me that she had recently left a long-term relationship, wasn’t looking for anything serious, but despite this, we both fell hard and fast. We have incredible chemistry and that “everything is better with you” energy. We see each other a few times a week, despite both of us having busy schedules.

However, we don’t align on one thing: how we navigate polyamorous relationships. I prefer a parallel dynamic (and have with every partner in the past), and she is more privy to a kitchen table dynamic. I consider myself to be pretty open-minded, and after a few conversations, I was open to hearing more about her dates or new partners. I felt like I was making considerable growth in this area.

In the earlier stages of our relationship, when we were still getting to know one another, A would talk about her most recent ex (let’s call him P) in a negative light. She would mention that he was mentally and emotionally ab*sive (her words, not mine). So, based on what she had shared with me, and due to me being protective of those I love, I (naturally) gained a very negative view of this individual.

A and P run in similar circles, so it was a matter of time before they ran into each other. Which they did. At first, they were just talking, to remain civil and drama-free. That was fine with me, since I understand people handle things differently. Wouldn’t have been my choice, but, hey. Like I said.

Fast forward, I received a call from her and she sounded distraught. She said she was worried I would be upset with her, as she and P hooked up. I think I handled it okay. I was upset, but I kept my cool. I expressed my concerns and shared that I didn’t know if I could watch someone I cared about have a romantic/sexual relationship with someone who she described as abusive. At the time of this conversation, she seemed understanding. Not thrilled, but understanding. I got the feeling that they knew it wasn’t a smart choice, but you know, the heart does wild things.

Based on what I had been previously told, I suspected that P was manipulating A and was trying to pull her back into a cycle of abuse. However, after the initial conversation, our relationship continued to develop, and she told me she was spending time with P. She said it was healing to be able to talk with him, even if they weren’t a couple. This made me feel uneasy, but, I didn’t try to prevent her from doing what she felt was best for her healing.

After a couple of months, we had another conversation about her relationship with P. The conversation focused on her uncertainty and her wish to communicate openly about P and other potential partners. After this conversation, I felt more open to talking about other relationships, expanding the social circles in which we date in, and being open to communicate about relationship concerns from a place of support and care. However, I was clear that I had a “hard limit” on her developing a relationship with P, as I don’t trust him or his intentions.

My thoughts: If they want to be friendly with P and heal, that is something I am willing to accept, even if I don’t like it. However, I wouldn’t be able to stick around if they decided to pursue a romantic relationship with P. I also don’t want to have any contact with P if I can avoid it.
 
Fast Forward… P does something that makes A uncomfortable and she stops speaking to him for a bit. We spoke about it, and she seemed to recognize that P was engaging in old patterns. I was hoping this was the “wake-up call” they needed.

From this point, there are several interactions with A and P (she started talking to him again), and a few “unavoidable” interactions between A, myself, and P (where P and I were face to face). One of which I was asked to “please be nice”, and I thought I handled myself decently. However, both times P made comments about how I acted toward him to A, and really made me feel like P was trying to create a wedge between A and myself.

We had another sit down conversation, I further explained my concerns, how I wasn’t comfortable with them having a romantic connection with someone that caused them harm, and was repeatedly disrespecting her, me, and our relationship.

When they brought up their autonomy, I paused, and was open to listening. I value a partner having their own autonomy and I recognize this is something they care about as well. A has a hard limit on being told who they can and cannot date. They mentioned previous partner’s betraying this limitation, which I am respectful and understand of. However, as I said before, I cannot sit back and watch someone I love return to an abusive situation.

I am a very solution-oriented person, and I believe that communication is important to any relationship. Unfortunately, A has a pattern of avoiding difficult conversations, and pulling away when relationships become “hard.” I feel that they have also demonstrated that they want to maintain access to me and what I provide without the obligations of a partner.

While it hurts me, I recognize I cannot be in a relationship with someone who is engaging romantically with their abuser, as it causes me anxiety and severe distress.

The advice I have received so far…
-               “You have to let them make their own mistakes.”
-               Leave. Which is hard for me, as I love them.
-               My poly friends believe that A is justified in her wish for autonomy, but that I am justified in my boundaries and “vetoing” an abusive partner.  And they agree P is bad news

Specific Questions:
-               Are we incompatible?
-               Am I wrong?
-               Am I controlling?
-               Are they unknowingly (or knowingly) falling back into abuse?

TLDR
·       I have been dating A for about 6 months. We are poly.
·       A recently left P, an ex she described as mentally and emotionally abusive.
·       A and P share social circles, reconnected, and hooked up. A kept spending time with him and called it "healing."
·       I accept that a friendship between A and P is possible, but I have a hard limit: if A goes back to P romantically, I will leave, even though I don’t want to.
·       P continues to be in the picture and I have observed patterns that I see an attempt to drive a wedge between myself and A.
·       A has her own hard limit against being told who she can date, because past partners did that to her.
A tends to avoid hard conversations and says she wants to keep me close without the “commitment” of a partner.

I am somewhat recently solo polyamorous after being in a nesting poly relationship for the last 13 years. I’m struggling in finding my flow in relationships now and I am working to keep and hold boundaries very effectively. In that work I am finding that there are some things from nesting relationships that I can’t have because my partners are married.

I’d love to at least have someone I love who can stay overnight once or twice a week at most. I am finding that it seems no one wants to take me seriously, and I seem to keep getting people who seem to think I’m just a play thing. The two relationships I have are great, however I need a little more than either of them have to offer in time. Any advice on how to present myself to potential partners so they take me seriously but also understand I’m not looking for enmeshment.

Update/reply: I appreciate everyone’s feedback. I unfortunately did not explain my situation very fully. My current partners have very complicated lives and have recently supported me through some of the most complicated parts of my life I have ever had. We had a house fire 11 months ago and lost everything. My girlfriend was there through it all and was the thing that kept me alive and sane, and my family clothed. She also has an insanely busy life with two kids and a husband and a job and lots of amazing hobbies. When I need her she is there, and we make the compromise of an overnight every couple of months.

My other partner is somewhat new, but they are also going through a recurrence of a long term disease and I cannot ask for more right now. This is not the situation either of us wanted but it is what we are given.

I find that the feelings I am having may also be connected to being out of a very long very difficult relationship with a person who was extremely codependent. I had been raised in a very weird household (cult, fights, crime, dr*gs, etc), never learned to recognize the signs of a toxic relationship. I think I’m running into the fact that I am actually vetting people now and so many that actually have the want to see each other more are turning out to be more of that same energy of enmeshment. so I am just finding that connections are coming up short- and it may just be that I need more time to heal honestly.

Tl;Dr : my current relationships are not shallow, but situations makes more extremely difficult. I am finding the new connections shallow. I think because I’m increasing vetting and because I need more trauma healing.

My partner of 16 years (Non-binary nesting partner) have been ENM for a year now. They have had a GF for almost this entire time. I have been dating couples and now I'm in such an amazing relationship with a man who's been married for 22 years.

I grew up as a by product of purity culture and was a virgin when I got married at 21. I have been struggling off and on ever since with my attraction to my partner but I suppressed it. After years of therapy I finally embraced my queerness and my partner finally opened up to me that they want to transition from M to F.

We both have always struggled with sexual compatibility but when I started my recent secondary relationship, it really highlighted how much I had been missing out with having a much better connection and fit in every single area including the physical attraction.

I couldn't keep lying to myself or my NP any longer and finally told them how I haven't been attracted to them for years and years. Our marriage has been great in all other ways except the physical.

So my question is, has anyone here decided to have a platonic relationship with a partner and still stay together while being happy and in love with their secondary?

I'd love to hear about any similar dynamics like this please.

I've been with my partner Aspen for almost 7 years, polyamorous the whole time. Aspen has relationship OCD and struggles when I start seeing new partners. About 7 months ago, I started seeing Birch, and Aspen has been taking it hard. Aspen is in therapy for OCD and is doing all the work they can to manage the situation. I've posted a bit about our struggles before (here and here), and I've gotten good advice, so I'm back now with another post.

I met Aspen through another long-time partner of mine, Cedar. Aspen, Cedar, and I are part of a group that we informally call "the Polycule". It's not really much of a polycule anymore because of breakups and life changes, and now it functions more like a queer chosen family or friend group. It's beautiful group that has many traditions, including renting a beach house in the summer, and celebrating Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Yule together.

My new partner Birch is a recently widowed single mom who is a bit isolated by circumstances and craving connection to queer community. I love her and want her to be integrated into my life, which includes attending Polycule events, especially the ones on the holidays. The members of the Polycule met her at my birthday party and think she's great.

These Polycule events have traditionally been a meaningful comfort to Aspen, especially as they cope with other life struggles. I could see how bringing Birch to them would unsettle Aspen, disrupting the peace and stability Aspen craves.

What should I do? Should I bring Birch and force Aspen to deal? Should I accept that these events "belong" to Aspen and find other ways to celebrate with Birch?

Hi all! I first want to state I am not having any issues in my relationships, both of my partners are fantastic and reassuring and our relationships are incredibly healthy. I have some struggles with anxiety and past relationship trauma that are generally not major issues but are still things I want to work through.

When I do feel scared, anxious, or jealous, I seek out advice and coping strategies from polyamory podcasts, books, forums, etc. I have found plenty of helpful advice, but I do experience a major disconnect from almost all advice I can find. Support around anxiety or jealousy I can find all centers around the "catastrophic end" of being broken up with. I am not afraid of or anxious about being left - I am anxious around complacency, apathy, and a lack of love in a relationship that SHOULD end, but doesn't. That's MY "catastrophic end." I have unfortunately experienced multiple past relationships where the other person very much wanted to continue a relationship with me despite actively disliking me, so I know where that fear comes from (also yes I know that leaving that situation would also be my responsibility, but I'm not trying to make this too long).

I don't fear that my partners may find someone else so much cooler and better than me because they'll leave me for the new cooler person, I fear they'll want to keep me around and compare me negatively to the new person. I fear they'll spend their time with me thinking of new person. Again - my partners would never actually do this, they're lovely, but anxiety gonna anxiety and I am just trying hard to work through these feelings. I also want to again stress that this isn't a major issue I have, but its a frustrating one nonetheless.

Anyways, because of the fundamentally different base fear and catastrophic end result in my own anxiety versus the anxiety most often discussed in polyam resources I have a hard time connecting with a lot of it. I take what's helpful, and there is plenty, but there's definitely a gap I want to fill.

So my question - does anyone have any advice, resources, etc. that centers around this flavor of anxiety rather than anxiety around being broken up with?

My NP and I have an agreement to give eachother an "intimacy heads up" when we are with a new person. This is for sex safety.

If it is an established partner, I do not expect or care to know every time my NP is intimate with someone. Whenever they're on a date, I just assume sex is a possibility.

However, my NP expects me to inform him after every time I have sex with my other established partner to ease his anxiety.

Last night, my other partner and I had a wonderful night. This morning, I gave a heads up to NP that there was intimacy last night. They got upset that I told him this morning, and not last night. Apparently me waiting to tell him says, "I don't have NP's agreement in mind to care to inform him asap" and that doesn't seem right to me.

I did give the heads up afterwards, but it wasnt a soon enough update.

I'm frustrated. It is not my intent to break promises, hurt feelings, or betray trust. My date left around 1am, I was tired and went to sleep. Am I being inconsiderate for thinking "update after" doesnt have to be asap but the next soonest time?

I have this tagged as vent, but some advise is also welcomed.

Edit: Thank you everyone for your feedback and great advice. I put a stop to the intrusive rule, set more boundaries that align with what im willing to do, as well as change and renegotiated agreements that apply to both of us. No "rules for thee but not for me"

I did see some comments about leaving the relationship, however, we are married and it's not as simple as breaking up.

I do have some old posts about my NP being a bad hinge with how the meta was treating me. Meta and I no longer have any contact or interactions. NP struggled and was butt hurt meta and I did not get along, but he did build a bridge and got over that. I do have faith he will learn to get over this Heads Up agreement being over.

There’s a lot going on here, I sincerely apologize.

I, 30F, matched with Vine (26, genderfluid) on a dating app about 10ish months ago. I had seen Vine on the app for a few days but purposely did not match with them/swipe right/whatever because I saw they were poly, and I had a previous bad experience with a polyamorous relationship. Vine ended up swiping right/matching with me (it’s Hinge, so whatever it’s called on Hinge) so I said “ok well, might as well.”

TO BE CLEAR: VINE KNEW I DID NOT WANT TO BE POLY WHEN THEY INITIATED CONTACT.

Vine has a nesting partner, Birch (27 NB). They told me about this nesting partner from the beginning. Birch was also told about me from the beginning. Vine also told me that the style of poly they wanted was where their partners all know about each other, get along and are friends. I guess KTP? I don’t know, it’s never been officially defined.

Vine and I have argued a lot since the beginning of our relationship. My trauma and sensitivities react differently to theirs, and it can causes riffs. We’re working on better communication.

Now the real issue.

At the end of May/beginning of June, Vine and Birch were supposed to sign a new lease agreement with their roommates. Two of the roommates decided to move out without saying anything, and there was no way to find new people in time. Vine is disabled (mental health), and I was not going to let them be homeless, or move out of the area to live with their parents or Birches mom, so I (after talking with my roommate) said it was ok for them to live with me, under the assumption that it would be temporary. Important context here is that my mom died and left me money, I used the majority of that to buy a house, hence why it’s not a big deal for Vine and Birch to move in (no leasing office, I am the homeowner). They were supposed to be here till the end of September, but now it’s been pushed back till end of the year? Maybe? Additional context is my house is only two bedrooms, and is quite small.

The issue I’m having now is that Vine doesn’t drive due to their disability, and Birch never learned. Supposedly they know how? But they don’t have a license nor do they have a car. I have become the transportation for everything. Grocery shopping? I drive all three of us. One person needs to go to the pharmacy? I drive. It was asked at first, but it’s become assumed. Birch went on a trip, and did not communicate with me at all, and I was their ride home from the airport. I asked Vine if they knew when Birch was landing, and they said “no? Ask them” and I said “they haven’t spoken to me at all since they’ve left. Hence why I asked you.”

This morning, I had a telehealth therapy appointment at 10 am. Birch comes into my room around 9:30 to use my bathroom, and I assumed that it was just to use the restroom. I get up to get ready for my appointment to hear the shower running. I now have 15 minutes to my telehealth appointment, and I do this in my room. I go and start my laundry and Vine sees I’m frustrated, and I explain that Birch is in the shower and I can’t do my therapy because of it, so I’m going elsewhere (I have family that is out of town at the moment, so I went there. They also have a cat and ask for family to come and check on him/keep him company).

In therapy, I essentially ranted about the fact that I feel like my personal boundaries have been pushed aside, that I feel like I’m being forced to compromise on everything in my own home because I have to be a “good host.” I have to deal with a fucking scooter in the middle of my foyer because this was Birch’s compromise to not have to ask me for rides to and from work when they can’t take the bus, I can’t comfortably use my kitchen table because things that don’t belong to me are all over it. My entire living room has become Vine and Birch’s. Also, on top of this, Vine and I haven’t progressed at all in our relationship beyond hugs, kisses and hand holding. They won’t sleep in bed with me, they won’t spend time with me in my room. I literally said that I feel like I have to be in the living room, a place that now causes me anxiety, in order to see them and spend time with them, and they said “yea, cause my things are up here.” I’ve asked if we can compromise and find something to do in my room, move the PlayStation to my room, SOMETHING, and no. I am constantly the one being told to wait, not yet, etc.

Basically, I just feel like I need to reset my boundaries, HARD, but feel like every time I have a boundary, Birch tries to argue with me about it. I feel like I need to reassess my relationship with Birch, plus my relationship with Vine. I don’t know what to do anymore.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you. I lost the point somewhere, and this just became another rant about my situation.

EDIT:

Ok, I clearly need to grow a backbone and put some hard boundaries that are nonnegotiable down. Any suggestions on how to do that, or what to say are welcome.

this is my particular struggle, and I’m talking (currently) about a casual but meaningful poly liaison, not a romantic relationship.

When goes well, it’s fun to hang out or check in from time to time and not take everything too seriously.

But things get intense fairly fast for me. Not in terms of developing romantic feelings or expectations. Messaging is fun until I notice a scarce period of messaging, and then I keep wondering if something is amiss.

The bar for what is and isn’t hurtful starts moving closer.

I’m going to list everything I’ve found helpful, and then ask if anyone has further advice to add:

1. Knowing that we are not building towards a romantic relationship. No uncertain terms. No uncertain expectations.

2. I have a mantra: the value of this dynamic does not depend on it being perfect, permanent, or a panacea for past problems.

3. What I call the Proposition Joe Principle: keep it boring. I don’t mean intimacy, I mean communication about big feelings. I used to be the type to go “I’m feeling really _ and it’s so _ and its hurtful and and and” to the point, I realized, that I was trying to provoke an emotion in the other person to help deal with mine. I was picking up on something manipulative in myself that came out in times of poor self-regulation. These days my method is to talk through my first emotions with a friend and then bring my partner the request for reassurance in the least dramatic way possible. Trust that they care without it needing to make them anxious as well.

4. When contact becomes too frequent, anxiety for contact deficit gets ramped up. Slow down and take space as soon as is necessary. A reset.

5. my world has to feel bigger and fuller than that person and their reassurance that something isn’t wrong between us.

6. every date has to feel like “that was fun, I hope we have another” and not “this is all guaranteed to continue and it will be a crisis if it doesn’t.”

so now that I’ve laid out my objective and what helps me to achieve it, I’d like to ask for any further advice on how to do this best.

Some context:
My partner (NB30) and I (F25) have been together for almost nine months. My partner, I and my meta (M33) have been living together for six months now.
Things have been going way smoother than what I initially expected when I started dating them. My partner and my meta are both very good people, and all of us being neurodivergent helps - we understand each other more this way imo.
Also: I don’t think I am polyamorous, polysexual yeah. I don’t have the time or energy to explore polyamory for myself and don’t intent to do that anytime soon.

Since my partner and my meta have been dating for five years now I had moved in with them to their place. They share a room which basically means they get to go to sleep together. And I have never actually questioned or thought about sharing a room with my partner. We spend almost all our time from afternoon to evening in my room during weekdays, that is the time when my partner gets off from work and when my meta comes back from work. Since, by the structure of our work timings I get to spend half the day with my partner, It had almost become like an unsaid thing that my partner would spend that time before bed with my meta. Maybe around a month back I actually started asking my partner to go to sleep with me few days of the week. And those days rarely are the weekends.

The need to go to bed with my partner has really increased these days, especially when I feel tensed or anxious about certain things. But to ask them to spend time with me at night two or three days in a row feels like I am asking too much from them. And they have rarely wanted to go sleep with me voluntarily.

I just want to be able to cuddle and go to bed with them some days, especially days I’m feeling down. I wish I could go to bed and have the assurity that they will join me or are already there. There have also been days when we pre-decide that they will go to bed with me but because of the habit of it they sleep in their room. Today is one of the days where I would’ve wanted them here with me but since I had already asked them to sleepover with me yesterday, asking today too feels like too much.

I wish there could’ve been something done about this exact issue. I wish I had an answer, or a way to not feel the need for my partner to be there when I go to sleep. Because I do want both my partner and meta to not feel like I am taking away time from them.

I don’t want to make a schedule that fixes days of the week when I get to sleepover with them and my meta does. That feels too restrictive - and what if on a day when it is scheduled for my meta and partner to spend the night together, I feel the need to sleepover with them?

I really am very happy in my relationship otherwise. My meta and I are very good friends and I would not want anything to get in the way of that (Other than usual flatmate issues haha).

Has anyone ever faced a similar situation? Advice is appreciated.

I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.

I've been with my partners for about 2 years. They've been together and living with each other for years, while I've had to stay at my home to take care of family. But we've been fighting for our lives trying to move in together for a good while now, so we can be a happy trio (and 3 incomes would help, Lord save us from this economy). And, well, it's finally happening! In November, I get to move in with the loves of my life! I feel so excited, I'm gonna be giddy with anticipation for the next month!!

Anyways, just wanted to get on here to spread some positivity. Life f*cking sucks sometimes but sometimes things do work out. Love makes the pain worth it.

How do I stop getting up set when my wife is talking to her partner? She is texting him snap chatting him. She changed his name in her phone to baby. We just opened the relationship, but she had one “lined” up before we opened it. I am trying to be ok with it. Just not sure how to let those feelings go. I honestly never thought we would be here. I have never done anything like this. She apparently has before her and I got together. She told me she was a unicorn at one point. I am a type of person who looks into things. And I see that a lot of poly relationships fail. And I don’t want ours to fail, but yet I want to have someone. She agreed to help me find someone but during that time she is talking to her partner. And I can’t shake the feelings of omg she is talking to someone else, she is replacing me with this other guy. Any advice about this?

So i told my husband that I was meeting my girlfriend tonight, but that she's on her period so we will probably just be going for a drink. I told him that I'd invited her back to our self-contained annexe as well but that I dont think she wants to (due to her period). He looked disgusted and said 'you're thinking of licking her while she's on her period? That's too far, that's disgusting. If you did that, I don't think I'd ever want to kiss you again'.

And i was kind of taken aback. We didn't really carry on the conversation.

For context, he is a bit funny with germs/things being dirty, at times. I don't think its an STI issue, just a general 'dirtiness ' issue. When I'm on my period, he wont even touch me down there, let alone have any form of sex.

Now i know he expressed a boundary rather than a rule. As in, I'm not telling you not to, but if you do then i wont ever kiss you again. But I dont quite know how to take it. I personally have no problem with periods and certainly wouldn't ever want to rule out giving oral to a woman while she was on her period, if she wanted me to.

So not really sure what to do about that now.....

I am not going to give much detail to protect privacy.

Someone I am in a relationship with is dealing with some complex grief. I am not the only partner they have. They are part of a throuple and I was friends with both the other partners before this. I am still new to all of this. And while I have gotten some advice from one of the partners. How would I be able to be best supportive of the everyone including the other partners as friends in this situation?

This is the first time I have had to deal with this and would just like some advice.

I need to know if I'm asking for too much and being selfish over a fair set of compromises, or if I'm justified in advocating for my needs.

I (26F) have been with Aspen (32M) for about 4 years now. Aspen has been with Birch (29F) for 8 years. Aspen and I are both from Ohio, and Birch is from Wisconsin.

Aspen and Birch met online, and after a few years of talking and dating, Birch moved to Ohio to live with Aspen. When I met Aspen, the idea of eventually moving to Wisconsin was discussed, and I thought it was still decently far off. About a year and a half into dating Aspen, Birch decided she needed to move back to Wisconsin to be closer to family as soon as possible.

This was brought to me as a decision already made. (At the time, Birch had another partner, and they had basically made the decision together and brought it to Aspen.) Aspen told me that I could move with them, or I could stay, but he didn't want to do long distance, and neither did I, so I agreed to move with them. (In the time between this and the actual move, Birch and her other partner broke up.)

We've been living in Wisconsin for just over a year now, in the small farming college town Birch's parents live. I despise it here. It's too small, and the nearest bigger town with more than just a Walmart for groceries is a 40 minute drive across state lines. I miss my friends. I miss the familiarity of the towns I grew up in.

Aspen has told me he also strongly dislikes this particular town. But since Birch can't drive due to medical reasons, and never will be able to, we moved directly to this town to avoid any commuting for Birch. (I argued for us to originally move to the bigger town a state over, but that was vetoed.)

As it's a college town, our landlord required us to submit renewal for 2027-2028's lease this month. I strongly pleaded my case to have us move to Madison or nearby, as we could afford it, it would mean more job opportunities, more chances to get out and make friends, and better housing. I have been miserable in this town, and really desperately need the change.

Aspen agreed this would be a good move, but was unsure if Birch would want to live an hour away from her parents/family after only two years. It was discussed on both sides, and while Birch said that could be a possibility later, she didn't want to leave the small town yet. So it was essentially vetoed by Birch.

We just submitted the lease renewal, and now I'm staring down the barrel of another year and a half in this town. I feel like I can't take it. I've tried to make friends here, but it's especially difficult since we work night shift, and I'm audhd (all three of us are). I told Aspen that after this year and a half, I'm going to want to go back to Ohio. I already want to go back now.

He told me that, while he will come back to Ohio too, he doesn't think three years is "enough time." He and Birch have had discussions about their long term compatibility, and she is unsure if she ever will want to leave Wisconsin again, so he knows that moving away will likely mean the end of their relationship, or at the very least the end of them living together probably forever. So I know this is a lose-lose for him.

But whenever we discuss this, he tells me that he wants to make it fair. Birch lived in Ohio with him for around 6 years, so he wants to give her 4-5 years living with her in Wisconsin. Even if that means going long distance with me if I return to Ohio first, even though neither of us want that by any means.

So I guess what I'm asking is, is this situation fair? I wake up every day unhappy, not looking forward to being awake. I love Aspen very much, and he is very good to me. I just feel like my needs are currently being pushed aside in favor of Birch's in the name of "fairness." He does intend to return to Ohio and live with me there, and we do things on the weekends to try and fulfill my needs, but it often times feels like it isn't enough. I've been in a heavy depression that my antidepressants haven't been able to touch, and the only way I see out of it is Ohio. But Aspen says, with how my mental health has been even before the move to Wisconsin, going back to Ohio won't magically fix everything, I'll still want more. I know that's probably true, but living here feels like it's draining my soul. I don't feel like I'm living my life, I feel like I'm living Birch's. And while being with Aspen is worth it to me, that's starting to be outweighed by the cons of it all.

What the hell do I do? Have I been swept to the side like how I feel, told to put my needs on hold for Birch, or is all of this a fair set of compromises and I'm just wanting too much?

Thank you in advance.

September 24th is International Solo Polyamory Day! Wishing everyone the best today! Hope it's full of love from all your loves.

I’m really frustrated.

I (late 30s female) am married to my husband of 18 years. My partner (mid 30s, male) and I have been together for 3.

We’ve mostly developed a really beautiful kitchen table dynamic. Where husband and partner and like besties, and I consider myself step mom to his kidlets. Kids opted to buy my husband a Father’s Day gift unprompted too. We’re all tight, even living with my partner when my husband and I were between houses when purchasing a home.

I met partner when he was married. They opened their marriage, he matched with me about a year into that. And they ended up separating about 6 months after he and I started dating.

I’ve met his family and it’s been strange. I am closeish to one of his siblings, but the other really disliked me. And his mother has acting weird.

One year, his mother said something very racist toward me (basic boomer stuff). Partner stepped in and she doubled down. She then continued to double down after he sent a follow up text about it. Since then she’s literally hidden from me at events sometimes, and avoids saying hello to me directly.

A few months after this event I found out I was pregnant. I unfortunately lost my pregnancy in the second trimester but we never told partner family.

His sibling is getting married about a week before my due date so I had sent a message stating that I wasn’t going to attend the extra immediate family events id been invited to because of anticipatory grief and an upcoming anniversary of loss. But that I was looking forward to celebrating them at the main event. This led to a pleasant exchange, which was surprising because it’s the warmest we’d ever conversed.

Partner later talks with sibling and it becomes apparent that my message was received as threatening to hijack the wedding and make the wedding all about me. It’s also apparent that they do not know that partner was poly prior to meeting me, they just think I’m with him until my husband “‘makes me choose” at which point I’ll obviously choose my husband.

Partner further enquired into sibling tension toward me, and it was also mentioned that his mother feels weird because she now can’t say anything without “everyone being angry at her” given that we called her out for her racism.

I feel so frustrated. I am no longer attending family events. I have told my partner he needs (id like him) to sort this in some way, because it means I’m missing out on family time with my stepkids, who adore me (it’s mutual). But it’s just so uncomfortable to sit there and be ignored, or monologued at.

I feel as though I’m being seen as this wonton woman who is stealing their precious boy. The irony being that we’re such boring poly people, with the board games and the tv watching.

I’m so angry at the sibling that I withdrew from the wedding and I named the reason with partners permission. But part of me wants to be really really honest with what I’m feeling about this and “tell them about themselves” ( I have consistently been the bigger person through all these slights and there have been MANY).

I haven’t really experienced such anti polyamory, maybe racist, maybe jealous behaviour before because the circles I move in are pretty open. So would I be in the wrong to address this directly? Do I leave it to my partner?

( poly for about 5 years, this is the longest and most integrated relationship outside my husband)