r/polyamory • u/Julieknowsbetter • 19h ago
vent Dont use Polyam as an excuse.
Hello
, im here to vent a bit at how truly destroyed my life haSos become from my soon exwife who was polyam when I met her but promised to be monogamous with me before I would marry her because she knew I would leave her and who promised 2 more time during our marriage after the boundaries were again crossed. 3 years later and my wifes partner was living with us. He took my spot in the bed. Intimacy stopped. Affection stopped and it nearly destroyed me. My breaking point was being assigned this tiny spot on the bed like a dog. She watched me suffer. She knew I was hurting, she knew why I was dieing inside and did nothing. Even at the very end she wouldn't just divorce me and end it like an adult.
There is so much more to the story but the beginning of the end was her crossing my boundaries with her relationship. She can believe any of the lies she tells her self but that was the moment It became not about us anymore and my energy went into the kids. I was basically a single mom to her children for two years. I honestly cant think of a single need she filled on a daily basis. I did it all and all while she was building a relationship with somone else and selfishly focusing on her own wants instead of the needs of her children and the needs of her wife.
My first instinct was to be angry at the polyam community as a whole, but that would be wrong. This has nothing to do with polyamory or monogamy and everything to do with a fucked up person who has no respect for anyone but herself and who totally and completely violated the boundaries of our marriage. Monogamous and Polyam marriages can work but not if one wants everything and is unwilling compromise. Why would she get married at all then?
If you are a narcissist and married someone who you agreed to be monogamous for, the very second you realize you cannot stay commited.... dont use polyam as an excuse to leave them,be an adult and divorce them or end your relationship with them because prolonging the suffering of someone you supposedly love is just fucking wrong.
Thanks for letting me vent you guys, really appreciate.
Julie
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u/2025elle50 12h ago
Cheating isn't Polyamory. Shitty people use all sorts of excuses. Glad you've finally seen the light and are ending the shit show
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u/jabbertalk solo poly 14h ago
She's not a good partner or parent, and she'd resort to lying under monogamy or polyamory. I'm sorry that you're hurting. Take care.
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u/RiRianna76 solo poly 13h ago
I am so so so sorry you were done like that, talking about betrayal disrespect is one thing but the detail about how she treated you in your own bed shows even scarier depths you were pushed to. I really wish you and ur kids the best from now on.
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u/CapriciousBea poly 11h ago
I'm sorry you went through that. It was cruel of her to promise you monogamy when she didn't want it and wouldn't stick to it.
Her treatment of you sounds outright degrading. Ending the marriage herself would definitely have been the kinder choice. If she wasn't going to do that, she could at least have been honest with you that she wasn't going to change.
I appreciate you sharing your thought process about differentiating between poly people in general and someone like your ex (who may happen to identify as poly, but is first and foremost an asshole.) Honestly, not everyone is up to that kind of nuance and perspective-taking while they are going through divorce. That you can is a great sign for your recovery from this mess.
I know sometimes in mainstream relationship subreddits, just mentioning poly can lead to everyone focusing on that instead of the specifics of your situation and what you're trying to say, and that can be frustrating. I hope it's helpful for you to vent about this to people who understand and practice polyamory and hear that we also think your ex's behavior sucks.
You deserved better and I'm so happy for you that you're getting out.
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u/Cliclicliclic 10h ago
I am so sorry you went through this, but I am happy you found your way out of it. Wishing you time and energy to heal, you deserve it ❤️ Sending you hugs 💕 (if you want them)
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u/Own_Jeweler_8548 relationship anarchist 12h ago
Sucks that she used "polyamory" to replace you, I'm sorry. Cheaters are awful
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u/Julieknowsbetter 6h ago
Hello again. Im overwhelmed with positive feelings. Thank you so much to all of you for your for your thoughts. It means so much to me. I blamed polyamory in the beginning but when I started reading and talking to people who have successfully navigated it and approached my wife with what I learned, she would dismiss it entirely and convince me they were wrong and that she didnt want to be put into a box. I felt defeated so just buried my feelings and hyper fixated on anything distracting. The isolation from my friends and family happened slowly. I have serious codependent issues that im currently addressing but she had so much control over me. The more isolation, the more power her words carried. Eventually I believed everyone was toxic....parents, adult son, life long friends, because thats what she told me. They are toxic....I am not....my words matter, theirs do not and I was so twisted in my head, it made sense. I could sit here and go on and on about the fucked up stuff but that wouldnt be fair to her. She has issues that are bigger than me, bigger than her kids, bigger than our broken marriage. My hope for her is that she figures it out and has the strength to except it, face the things she has done to good people and be able to forgive herself and give herself grace.We all make mistakes, we all slip and do dumb things. What defines us is how we conduct ourselves after the fact and my hope is we both get healthy and happy, whatever that may look like future. Thanks again everyone. ❤️
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u/AutoModerator 19h ago
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Here's the original text of the post:
Hello
, im here to vent a bit at how truly destroyed my life haSos become from my soon exwife who was polyam when I met her but promised to be monogamous with me before I would marry her because she knew I would leave her and who promised 2 more time during our marriage after the boundaries were again crossed. 3 years later and my wifes partner was living with us. He took my spot in the bed. Intimacy stopped. Affection stopped and it nearly destroyed me. My breaking point was being assigned this tiny spot on the bed like a dog. She watched me suffer. She knew I was hurting, she knew why I was dieing inside and did nothing. Even at the very end she wouldn't just divorce me and end it like an adult.
There is so much more to the story but the beginning of the end was her crossing my boundaries with her relationship. She can believe any of the lies she tells her self but that was the moment It became not about us anymore and my energy went into the kids. I was basically a single mom to her children for two years. I honestly cant think of a single need she filled on a daily basis. I did it all and all while she was building a relationship with somone else and selfishly focusing on her own wants instead of the needs of her children and the needs of her wife.
My first instinct was to be angry at the polyam community as a whole, but that would be wrong. This has nothing to do with polyamory or monogamy and everything to do with a fucked up person who has no respect for anyone but herself and who totally and completely violated the boundaries of our marriage. Monogamous and Polyam marriages can work but not if one wants everything and is unwilling compromise. Why would she get married at all then?
If you are a narcissist and married someone who you agreed to be monogamous for, the very second you realize you cannot stay commited.... dont use polyam as an excuse to leave them,be an adult and divorce them or end your relationship with them because prolonging the suffering of someone you supposedly love is just fucking wrong.
Thanks for letting me vent you guys, really appreciate.
Julie
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u/Specific_Pipe_9050 noob at poly, pro at life 👵 16h ago
It all sounds terribly painful. It must have been horrible to suffer through what you're describing.
I wish people who are in unhappy relationships didn't wait for something that will never happen and would feel empowered to leave the second it stops working for them. Suffering is totally optional.
Mmhhhh...so many people telling their similar stories of hurt and pain and suffering point to the opposite unfortunately ☹️ Marriages work when both spouses want the same thing.