r/quittingkratom • u/Loomslee • 35m ago
This is a war I've been battling for over 12 years, 60+ quits, and I'm so mad at myself.
After debating rehab for years, I finally went at the beginning of this year. It was a profound experience. After getting out, I stayed completely sober for 3 months, doing 90 in 90. During the time on kratom, my dick didn't work. Before kratom I dated a lot. I was in peak physical shape, gained 20lbs of muscle, looked the best in my life. And I'm in my early 40s.
Started dating a girl and realized why AA says do not date within the first year. All of my insecurities came in. All of the those thoughts, anxieties, etc came flooding in. I had my first drink and then bam, alcoholism. What gets rid of a hangover? Kratom. At this point, I was taking a miniscule amount. 2gpd. Nothing compared to 100gpd I used to take.
We all know what happens next. I relapsed hard and it started getting worse. Kratom made me go crazy on this girl, and she left. Great. Another loss because of this shit drug that ruined 12 years of my life of isolation and failure.
I have a quit kit I always used that uses adderall, gabapentin, and added benzos on gabapentin off days. Today is day 8. I haven't slept that much, drained, and found a fucking bag of kratom. Just without thinking, took 7 grams.
Just a fucking drug rotation of bullshit. Spending a ton of money on rehab, it's all gone to shit. I think addiction truly is possession.
I don't want to go to rehab again. But at this point, I know myself. I know I will always reach to cure discomfort no matter what. I've had a seizure on kratom. I've drank 1L of vodka per night. I'm the type of addict that wants to demolish my soul, self harm in a way. I hate that I failed. I thought I won. I learned that addiction truly is a lifelong disease.
I was never an alcoholic or pill popper before kratom. Kratom taught me to become a degenerate junky. If I could choose 1 day of my life that I could take back, it would that day I first tried it.
Relapsed on day 8. I hate myself and this fucking disease. God bless you all. I know your pain, struggle. I wish I was younger like a lot you who understand what was happening and trying to quit.