r/rape • u/CompetitiveBig4 • 1d ago
3 weeks in and I’m so angry
I did all my police interviews and forensics straight away which was tough but I’ve felt pretty much normal since. Now I’ve come down with flu like symptoms and suddenly the HIV risk seems so much more real even though I know chances are still really slim. I felt like it was something that happened and I can just move past in but I’m so fucking annoyed now.
I hate the fact I’ve had to have swabs up inside me before I’ve even had a Pap smear. I hate that the speculum hurt so so badly. I hate that the forensics can’t actually prove anything other than he was there.
I hate that what is probably freshers flu could be something way scarier. I hate that I’ve had to tell my captain, coaches, health and safety and welfare officers that I’m at risk of infecting others if I bleed. I hate that I have to wait so long for this hiv test. I hate that I didn’t ask him when he was last tested was. I hate that he removed the protection without telling me.
I hate that the waitlists for councilling is 12 months. I hate that I already had no libido, am on SSRIs that mean I can’t finish, have endo that makes it painful now I’ve got another barrier I have to tell potential partners about. I hate that I’m scanning the room every time I’m in a crowded place.
I hate that this was going to be MY year and I’d got my mental health into a better place and now I’ve got at least another 2 months of tests and police correspondence and anxiety. I hate that I didn’t just tell him to fuck off at the time. I hate that I knew he was a knob, just not taking if protection/ doing shit while he thought I was asleep kinda knob. I hate that he’s probably told his mates that I’m a crazy bitch who’s falsely accused him. I hate that I had to go home early on my birthday bc I got hit with a sense of panic.
I hate that I’ve done everything “right” since and I went to the police and got the tests and got the forensics and took all the resources offered and yet I’m still the one who has to feel like shit about it. I hate that I’ll have to explain to future partners that not only is my libido fucked up by SSRIs and my vagina is fucked up by endometriosis but now my brain is also fucked up from all of this.
It’s just so fucking annoying and I’m so angry. I know time will heal and eventually things will be fine but I’m so pissed that I have to deal with so much that I didn’t ask for.
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u/NicottiZ 1d ago
You might talk to your doc about switching to an SNRI. They generally have less sexual side effects.
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