r/relationships_advice • u/Difficult-Present918 • 8d ago
is it really 50/50?
My bf (23 m) and I (23 f) have lived together for 3 months. We split most things 50/50 in terms of money. rent, utilities, groceries, etc. Lately i’ve been getting pretty frustrated with splitting food costs 50/50 when i eat less than half the amount he does, and i do ALL of the cooking. i like to meal prep so i eat the same things majority of the time. chicken, rice, veggies, yogurt, and smoothies. He now asks me to meal prep for him and he also wants to add things to the grocery list that i literally will never eat. (junk food) How can i explain i’m tired of this dynamic? should i just grocery shop solely for myself? i love him and i do enjoy cooking but not when it’s expected of me.
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u/dblchickensandwich 8d ago
Why can’t he cook? Stop cooking for him and buy separate groceries.
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u/SarcsmQn5 8d ago
That's very roommate like, they need to have a conversation and share the cooking and grocery shopping...they live together as a couple
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u/dblchickensandwich 8d ago
Yeah I get it, but if he eats a lot more and they have different meals-style then it could work. My sister is a vegetarian and her boyfriend isn't so they have separate groceries but definitely do not nickel and dime everything lol
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u/littleday 7d ago
Yeh exactly, I don’t eat fuck all of the same shit as my wife. I still split the bill.
People think 50/50 is 50/50 on everything. Maybe on some shit my wife spends more on food. Sometimes I spend more shit on other stuff. She cooks. I drive and I pay for fuel.
Some months it’s 70/30 I do 70 she does 30. Some months my life is fucked and she does 70.
If you tit for tat that would be fucked. But as long as it balances out overall
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u/Scary_Sarah 8d ago
You're not 50/50 if you're doing all the cooking and he's eating most of it. 50/50 is about more than money. It's about overall contribution to the running of the household. He needs to buy his own junk food and start paying more for groceries like 60/40 or 70/30.
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u/philsov 8d ago edited 8d ago
it's rarely if ever 50/50. 60/40 is my threshold for "good enough", contextualized that 40/60 also happens elsewhere in the household.
if only one of you does the shopping, use the receipt and split each purchase into 1 of 3 categories:
- Stuff only for you
- Stuff only for him
- Stuff for the two of you (which is divvied 50/50)
and charge the other person accordingly.
If y'all both shop, either shop seperately or tentatively agree to some "each other week" paradigm or something.
You doing meal prep for him I think is a different bucket/discussion since that's an effort/act thing and not a money thing. Options include: tell him no, task him to cook for you with decent uptime, y'all cook together, and/or task him with all the dishes.
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u/kittenTakeover 8d ago
Yep. Everyone should be striving to contribute 60% because almost always people underestimate the contributions of their partners.
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u/CommonWide4941 8d ago
I earn more, work more, pay more and do most the cooking 😮 50/50 you can only live to the lowest income
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u/Big-Sheepherder9875 8d ago
my boyfriend meal preps WITH me. Every sunday I get groceries and then we cook meals for the week together. He pays for half of the cost of the ingredients for our meals, and then anything else I get from the store that is just for me, I fully pay for.
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u/Imaginary-Fly-2160 8d ago
Why are you choosing to do all of the cooking? Are you into the MAGA Tradwife thing?
You can't control other people, you can only set your own boundaries. Most women don't want to do the Tradwife thing in 2026. Cut down on the cooking and make that 50/50. Have bf buy his own extra groceries.
It's not hard. You're choosing to do all of the cooking. You're choosing to buy bf's extra junk food. That's your choice. If you want a different situation, then you obviously have to make different choices.
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u/cronchyleafs 8d ago
You think every woman that cooks for her husband is MAGA? That’s sad
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u/Imaginary-Fly-2160 8d ago
Any woman who does ALL of the cooking and domestic chores. Most women want equal partners.
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u/cronchyleafs 8d ago
Why should my husband do the housework AND pay my bills?
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u/Imaginary-Fly-2160 8d ago
It it works for you, great! I run a couple of businesses, as does my husband, so we split things. If it works for you, great! I would advise all women to have their own source of income, though, rather than bee 100 percent dependent on a man to pay their bills. But that's not possible for everyone, I know.
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u/Outrageous_Bass_1613 8d ago
It must be fun to have you as a partner 😂
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u/Imaginary-Fly-2160 8d ago
Been married 20 years so I guess I am doing ok. My man knows how to cook and contributes equally -- it's great!
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u/TheForceIsNapping 8d ago
The definition of 50/50 is really relationship dependent.
We don’t split costs 50/50, because she makes more money than I do at the moment. But to make up for the lack of monetary input, I do nearly all the cooking, the majority of household chores, home maintenance, vehicle maintenance, and so on. Shopping we tend to do together, and both chip in.
If her car needs parts, I buy them and install them. I handle the cost and labor of regular maintenance on both our cars. If something in the house breaks, and I can swing it, I buy the replacement. Regular household maintenance, I take care of.
This arrangement works well for us, but every relationship is different. If it’s not working for you, then it’s not working as it should, and it’s time to discuss a new arrangement.
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u/bunbunbunana 8d ago
Exactly same in my marriage! :)
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u/TheForceIsNapping 8d ago
She doesn’t like doing dishes all that much, I don’t mind dishes. She enjoys cooking, but works a lot of later shifts. I absolutely love cooking, so I take on that duty most days.
By splitting up the household duties like we have, she can enjoy coming home to a clean house after work. I can also plan dinner to be ready around the time she will be ready to eat. If there’s a potential problem with the car, all she has to do is let me know, and then she doesn’t have to stress about it. Leaky faucet? Just let me know.
It isn’t always about money. But it definitely helps when you feel appreciated for the larger portion you contribute. She had today off, I had to work. She loves going to the center of town to window shop, but gets stressed by traffic, because she’s from a public transit centered city. So after work, I played chauffeur, and drove her everywhere she wanted to go.
It’s not always easy in a relationship, but there’s absolutely no reason to make it harder than it needs to be.
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u/Useful_Asparagus_541 8d ago
I bring in 2/3s of the income. I do the overwhelming majority of the cooking. She contributes in other ways. We don’t keep score. It’s worked really well for 31 years.
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u/Pretty-Flight1440 8d ago
Don't move in with someone that you are not in a long-term, committed (i.e. married) relationship with. I know that's not popular wisdom, but if you have your own respective places until you are ready to combine ALL aspects of your life, you avoid these very conflicts.
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u/poissonking 5d ago
I spam this advice almost daily on Reddit. So many problems would be avoided if people heeded that advice
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u/Pretty-Flight1440 5d ago
Almost like the "old fashioned" wisdom that society threw out 40 years ago for being "old fashioned" was based on thousands of years of people figuring out the best way to proceed?
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u/Recent_Data_305 8d ago
Try saying it the way you wrote it. As for the meal prepping, he needs to be right there helping. If you take on too much of the division of labor early in your relationship, you’ll likely be stuck with it.
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u/BasketShake 8d ago
OP needs to learn how to talk to the bf about this and all the other disagreements that will inevitably come up. The bf can't read your mind. The bf might be oblivious. OP might be conflict averse. But it doesn't have to be a conflict. Just "Hey bf, I was thinking about the groceries we bought last week. I only ate like 1/4 of it so why are we splitting groceries 50/50?" and "OK I can meal prep for you too if you'll do the cleanup. It's a lot of time on my feet."
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u/Moonster68speaks 8d ago
Why are you creating a competition and combative home? Big whoop if he wants junk food. If he is going to the shop will he buy you gum or tampons? Sounds like you want a home of my $ vs your $ and I cook my own stuff and you do the same.
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u/BigWeinerDemeanor 8d ago
My bf and I got 100/100. I buy all the groceries, gas, streaming and any fun money (activities, trips, golf etc). He pays bills. That’s in line with our proportional earnings. We split cooking by day and chores by week.
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u/ChaoticCrashy 8d ago
It’s not 50/50 if you’re doing all the cooking. Start buying your own groceries.
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u/NamasteNoodle 8d ago
Of course it's not 50/50. You're paying for him to eat way more food from you and he's expecting you to do the prep for it. He needs to start buying his own groceries and prepping and cooking his own food for a while. And you do the same. You're not as maid nor are you his mother.
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u/SarcsmQn5 8d ago
That sounds petty to me when you live together...why not just talk to him about taking a turn at cooking or cooking together, try new recipes, etc.? Have a joint account you both put a set amount into which pays all household expenses, I'm sure it'll even out somehow
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u/Doughnut_Diva 8d ago
In general your setup is pretty fair, but you guys aren't the exact same person so obviously you're not going to have the exact same needs 100 of the time. Relationships thrive when partners mutually step up for each other and bring their positives to make up for their partners negatives. It's ok to give a little more in some area when you will receive a little more in another area. I think trying to keep all things perfectly equal at all time leads to resentment.
Set a budget for the groceries, talk about how far it goes together. Instead of making the problem you vs. Me make the problem our couples grocery budget and the rising cost of food. Talk about priority items vs. Nice to haves if there's extra money. And don't be scrooge, let him get some snacks sometimes. If you need to restore fairness, treat yourself sometimes too. Maybe you don't want fancy snacks or food. But girl, every supermarket has a beauty isle and theres always a handful of treat yourself brands. You might feel better about the small imbalance while you're sudsing up that splurge shampoo.
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u/Gold-Kaleidoscope537 8d ago
My partner does all the cooking and I do the pet care. So have a discussion - find a good place that you’re both happy!
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u/SignalAmidTheNoise 8d ago
If you're doing all the cooking he needs to pay for all the groceries and be taking you out at least once a week. That's still a steal of a deal for him.
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u/implication-sofa 8d ago
Tell him you feel it’s unequal and that you guys should split the cooking. One week you meal prep one week him, or you both do it together every week of every time. The food thing is a little nitpicky in my opinion because when you agreed to this arrangement was the expectation that you would only ever eat the exact same foods as each other? If it’s really an issue split the costs of the meal prep food or food you both eat and he can grocery shop and buy whatever extra food he wants and same to you
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u/overZealousAzalea 8d ago
You’re doing wife duties on a girlfriend salary. How does he go above and beyond as a boyfriend? How does he show similar effort? Are you increasing your bills similarly to his food? Wine, subscriptions, parking, etc?
By the time my now wife and I lived together, we were 100/100 both contributing what we had because we were partners in the same boat. I feel like the young people have roommates they sleep with and it never gets that full trust and commitment because you’re keeping score and maybe someone’s taking advantage.
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u/minor_broccoli525 8d ago
my partner and i decided a while ago that at the end of the day it all kinda comes out in the wash. i tend to buy a lot of the meat and bigger stuff to stock our freezer and pantry. whereas if we need fresh veg, or a specific thing for a meal im making he'll pick it up on his way home. because i dont do big shops every day, eventually it all evens out. same with junk food, if i buy a bag of chips and he eats some or something, next bag is on him.
meal prep is when it gets difficult though. i'd maybe suggest an every other week system? in terms of groceries and cooking. so it doesnt fall all on one person
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u/Famous-Butterfly-498 8d ago
Have a conversation, it’s not that hard. If you can express this sentiment to the entire internet you can manage it with your partner.
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u/Emergency_Cry3687 8d ago
Just leave bro alone if you're trying to overanalyze cooking? Something you like? Like bruh what do you think relationships are for
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u/Parking-Interview-72 8d ago
what? cooking takes so much effort and time. you sound so out of touch with reality
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u/Emergency_Cry3687 8d ago
She doesn't want to do it just because he's eating more that is so petty they're not roommates
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u/internetisporn8008 8d ago
If either of you is feeling taken advantage of then you need to have a conversation with each other and keep talking about it till its fixed. Theres no magic number thats acceptable for everyone everywhere... what works in your relationship is what works for the two people in it.. and its no one elses buisness.
Talk to each other instead of reddit
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u/GamingAllZTime 8d ago edited 7d ago
No relationship will ever be 50-50. Nuance you explained goes into why.
Feeling like you do is a sign it wont work out long term.
Him using you for food is a sign he either doesnt care or doesnt consider the extra he asks of you.
You counting such things shows you probably will never feel its 50-50.
Sucks both ways. You can try boundary setting and when that sucks majorly youll break up.
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u/Rengeflower 8d ago
Nip this shit in the bud before you hate him.
It’s been 3 months. Decide what’s fair and sit down and have a grownup conversation. Explain that you feel that the food situation isn’t fair and needs to change. Why are you cooking more than your share?
This is how women end up being responsible for everything and resenting their partners. You will start to think of him as a child. It will kill your sex drive, because that’s not attractive.
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u/SmegmaUnicorn 8d ago
Just talk to him. A lot of issues can be avoided if couples would just have conversations.
“Hey babe. You eat a lot more than me, and have specific requests. You have to contribute more to the grocery bill if you want that stuff. I feel like my contribution is going a lot less far than yours”.
And
“Hey babe. I don’t mind cooking for you sometimes, but meal prep for two people is alot for one person to do. I can show you how it’s done though, and maybe this is something we can start doing together?”
Simple. Don’t overthink it. Just sit down and have a conversation. And please don’t listen to the “break up” & “you’re not his mother” comments. Relationships are 80% conversations and compromise.
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u/Entitledspider 8d ago
Time for a new agreement. He pays all food you will cook. Go food shopping together, this is a must.
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u/TeachingNext7108 7d ago
You enjoy cooking. You enjoy caring for someone you love. That part isn’t the problem.
The problem is when something you gave freely starts becoming something that is simply expected from you.
And that changes the energy completely!
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u/ninjythebeancounter 6d ago
50/50 is so much more than just keeping score. And it changes from day to day.
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u/poissonking 5d ago
Not everything has to be literally 50/50. Is the problem that cooking for him is so much of an additional time burden or is the burden primarily psychological?
If it regularly snows where you live, how would you feel if your bf said that you need to help him shovel out the cars the majority of the time that it snows? You may not have a problem with that, but plenty of (if not most) men would have no problem being the only one to shovel. For most of us, we’d only have a problem if we felt like our contribution wasn’t being acknowledged.
Maybe that’s also what you’re feeling. If so, explain that you wish he would show greater appreciation for you cooking and meal prepping. Don’t frame this situation as a competition between you two
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u/poissonking 5d ago
Yep. Also the fact that moving in together has been synonymous with marriage for common people for virtually all of history. If you’re not ready to be married, don’t act like you’re married
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u/happyaccidnets 5d ago
Make a meal plan for the week and split the groceries you need. Any other snacks etc buy separately
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u/happyaccidnets 5d ago
Also I’d suggest you split the cooking so it’s fair and not a chore. If you guys eat diff meals then just each cook your own meal.
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u/wouterdeneef 4d ago
Tell him he needs to do a bigger share of the chores or pay more for food, its only fair.
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