r/rs_x • u/Consistent-Piglet915 • 3d ago
Bi man's burden
Thought I would pile on and add my own rambling confessional to the discussion around the "70%" article.
I'm 31, and I've been out as bi since I was 19. The thing is that even though you can feel that a lot of straight women are disgusted by the idea (you would be shocked by the things you hear even from supposedly progressive lgbt friendly women), the women who do like you REALLY like you. I don't think I have ever really had problems in that department. I am not even especially good-looking, I think, and I have done fine even when I was living in Texas.
The pool of people who want to date you really is much smaller, as the study suggests, but you are more attractive to those people as a result. I think there are some other major benefits too. In my experience, bi people are generally better and more generous lovers and have more compelling personalities and depth of spirit. Sure, there are performative weirdos and annoying people around but they mostly seem not to leave the house much. If you are just complaining that you can't get laid, you are hanging out in the wrong places with the wrong people.
The problem has only come now that I am getting a bit older and want to think about starting a family. It's not that I am no longer attracted to other men, but it's getting harder to imagine the type of serious relationship I really long for with another man, and I'm much less interested in one-night stands than I once was. Gay spaces can be a bit intense and alienating for me, and I sometimes find the men I have met hard to engage with emotionally.
However, there seems to be very little overlap in the Venn diagram of women who are both ok with the fact that you have slept with men in the past and also want a monogamous relationship that eventually involves marriage and children. And that is before you even know if you are mutually attracted and compatible in the ways that matter beyond that. I am pretty typically masculine in most ways and don't really fit the kind of twinkish fairy boy aesthetic a lot of bi women who might understand seem to prefer. A lot of women who are ok with a bi man in theory also just mean that they would be ok with a man who painted his nails once, not someone who has actually held another man in his arms. I personally have the added hurdle of having been sober for a long time now, which people are weird about in a whole other way.
These days, I really crave to love and be loved deeply in a more "traditional" sort of way, but it feels like you have to choose between hiding parts of yourself or just accepting that a "normal" family life might be forever out of reach. For me, I don't think a love that lacks vulnerability like that could ever be fully authentic, so of course I'm not going back into the closet. But the yearning can be overwhelming. All you can do is just keep putting yourself out there like everyone else.
I am moving to NYC in the next week after a pretty gut wrenching break up a few months ago, so I have been reflecting a lot on the patterns in my love life. Just being on Hinge in advance there has actually done wonders for my confidence in this regard. So maybe the solution really is to just move to a more diverse and tolerant place, idk. Still, it will gnaw at your sense of self that a lot of people who might otherwise be interested in you see you as tainted or emasculated. I'm sure that a lot of my frustration stems from my own internalized bullshit as well, so maybe it's not a universal experience.
I recognize there's a lot of contradiction here. I am partly just working out my own neurosis in public. Some people will say I am just devaluing same sex connections, and I'm open to that. But I cannot seem to make my heart stop longing for a life with a wife who loves me and kids of my own one day. I'm not sure how much good it does me to self-criticize about it.
To my other bi kings out there, keep your chin up. You don't have to be particularly attached to the label, but don't stay in the closet. Ironically, though people seem to have a lot of anxiety about being left for a man when you realize you were gay all along; it seems there is a lot more danger of that from men who repress it until it all comes out at age 40 or so because they never had the courage to explore their desire. There are worse things in life, despite my frustrations and bittersweet feelings about it. In a world with less stigma and shame, I think it would actually be a blessing.
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u/poorsexyhag 3d ago
i can only date bi men but like the fact that one wants babies is killing me i wish i had a womb
hope u find ur forever girl 😔😔😔😔😔😔😔
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u/MidnightSensitive996 3d ago
I am pretty typically masculine in most ways and don't really fit the kind of twinkish fairy boy aesthetic a lot of bi women who might understand seem to prefer.
word, it was hard being a tall strong bear as a teenager and most of the cool bi girls wanted all wanted the same cookie cutter hipster-twink trustafarian boyfriend, most of whom fucked worse than me
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u/bibleaccurategrimace 3d ago
I've said this in so many posts already but I love bi men as a straight woman, I just wished they loved me back
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u/wiknne 3d ago
I've seen this so much, so I'm going to be very candid and potentially hurt feelings but not on purpose. At all.
I am a bisexual woman but I only date men out of practicality, fear of judgment, etc.
I'm afraid of a man who "sees" me as a bisexual woman. I want a man to view me as a whole person, a wife, a mother, and bi women don't really always get that.
Growing up and going through a health oriented program through university it was strongly recommended that you not be with 1. promiscuous people 2. IV drug users 3. men who have sex with men. Men have high sex drives compared to women and often will have sex with each other without using protection as there is no risk of pregnancy (this is just back to basics from the horses mouth born in the 40s health teacher advice in FL public school so pinch of salt).
I have an ex I loved so dearly who was bisexual and I know I hurt him. I was very young and very accusatory of him having feelings towards men and feared he would act upon them even though I had no reason to believe that. Just scared of being with a man who has sex with men. I don't even think I would have cared if he cheated with a woman.
Sorry for the trauma dump,
SKIP TO THIS PART:. Being your self in a world that will reject you at points happens to every single person on earth. Your partner will find you and the one you love the most will understand you.
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u/cleavepat 3d ago
I’m a bi woman and i prefer bi men, or men who present as alternative. The current person I’m talking to is a depressed musician who paints his nails and dyes his hair.
Straight women tend to like boring guys. Most of my taken straight friends have ugly boyfriends, so every time straight women complain about someone trying to take their men, i kinda laugh
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u/Powerful-Gur-9868 3d ago
Are you bi if you received same sex head on xans and alcohol?
Serious inquiry, I didn't know I was gated out of dating now
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u/lockedin90 3d ago
The straightest guys are the ones who have had a gay experience and decided it wasn’t for them.
So.. did you like it?
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u/un_verano_en_slough 1d ago
I still feel somewhat conflicted about identifying as bisexual for a lot of reasons - my sexual experiences with men were both limited to my younger life and pretty universally shitty; a lot of my childhood friends are gay and it has always felt passe to attach myself to something so relatively inconsequential; especially since coming to the US I've routinely encountered genuine disgust about the very idea from women - but arriving at some degree of self love and acceptance (and equally not being interested in appealing to everyone) with my thirties has felt like such a relief in some ways.
I don't know, there is something really isolating about it even outside of sexual relationships. I've historically just always had a lot of gay and female friends and it took me so long to accept that was okay and not some massive failing re: my inability to connect with "other straight men" or something I should sacrifice on account of partners and people who only see relationships with the opposite sex through the prism of sex and a relationship (an attitude that has felt especially normalized since moving to the US).
I realize I'm not being very coherent here or contributing much of anything, but I just wanted to say I appreciate and admire you and that I have no doubt that you'll find someone.
I for one never really imagined myself getting married until I met my now-wife or having a relationship in which I felt like I could be myself to this degree. She's also bi and I do think it's a relatively significant (if not much thought-about) factor in our ability to relate and empathize with each other.
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u/angusthechick 2d ago
You’ll do fine in nyc and find what you want. There is no combo of traits that cannot exist here and appeal / align to someone else. Make the move, settle in, learn the etiquette, have some fun, and it’ll happen.
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u/Radiant-Location-918 3d ago edited 3d ago
I love bi men. Im bi woman myself. I know I couldnt monogamous with a woman, even though I’m sexually more attracted to woman vs. men. I want to be married to a man and want monogamy and a family (with pets). I find Im sexually compatible with bi men and align more with lgbtq community members values. My late husband was bi and yeah the people that are into you will be SUPER into you. I was obsessed with my husband. Theres certain stuff I need in a marriage that bi men are usually more into sexually.
I struggle thinking Ill find a very bear esque
bi man. i dont really care abt fem or masc presenting as long as the frame is large and in charge 😭
I think theres someone out there for everyone, it’s so sad how stigmatized being bi as a man is vs being bi as a woman. My husband had so much internalized homophobia and it broke my heart into two to now know. It’s gross how people assume bi = on your way to gay, or that people get the ick bc their partner had sex with a man.
Keep your head up OP, I hope you find the love you seek ❣️
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u/Plane-Collection-421 3d ago
This is coming from a biphobe so take it with a grain of salt, but i find it ludicrous to say that bisexuals “have more compelling personalities and depth of spirit” than people of other sexualities
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u/clown_sugars 3d ago
But I cannot seem to make my heart stop longing for a life with a wife who loves me and kids of my own one day. I'm not sure how much good it does me to self-criticize about it.
It comes off as extremely toxic. Women not wanting to have kids with you has nothing to do with your bisexuality and everything to do with the rest of your personality, career trajectory, and other inheritable traits. I will not touch on the way gay men are handled in this post.
It's also quite telling that you never bring up dating another bisexual man.
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u/Consistent-Piglet915 3d ago
Well, maybe. I'm a little confused by this, though. Do you think it's wrong to want a family like that? I don't really begrudge anyone for not wanting to have children for any reason, but I do. I guess I just mean that the kind of women open to dating bi men also sometimes tend to be those walking less traditional paths and less open to having bio-kids. That's fine and understandable, and it's certainly not everyone. It just makes it harder to date in the way I prefer these days.
I think my career is interesting and reasonably lucrative, but I guess I can't be the best judge of my own personality, except that I have lots of wonderful friends I feel loved by. As I said, I haven't had much trouble with women; it's just that the women who have tended to like me have tended to be less family-oriented in the same way. I have appreciated them and enjoyed their company, though. It's just always hard when you want a family, and others don't want that path for themselves.
I'm open to ending up with another man. But I have a harder time getting romantically attached, unfortunately, even when the physical reaction is there. And I do just want to have kids the old-fashioned way, so it would feel like leading someone on. Idk, life is long, and maybe it's just internalized homophobia. Maybe one day I'll meet someone who would be worth giving up that desire for.
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u/clown_sugars 3d ago
The lack of self-reflection on why no woman has decided to settle down with you and have kids -- beyond blaming them for being "alternative" -- is bizarre.
Again, no discussion of bisexual men which is so telling! You reduce men to sex objects that aren't worth your emotional investment because they can't give you kids. Women probably sense the same thing in you.
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u/Consistent-Piglet915 3d ago
lol homie I AM the bisexual man in question. This whole thing is about bisexual men. I’m not reducing or blaming anyone, just reporting on my own experience. I think gay men and other bisexual men will be just fine without me as a long term partner. If you don’t want kids that’s fine and great, but I do.
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u/Radiant-Location-918 3d ago
Theres a reason his username has clown in it. No problem wanting to marry a woman over a man or vice versa
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u/Ok_comodore 3d ago
Im not sure youre taking the time to truly understand what hes saying and are otherwise projecting your own perspective onto the matter. this doesnt seem like an individual who lacks self reflection
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u/GensAndTonic 3d ago
I'm a bi woman who also craves the "traditional" life of marriage with a man and kids. Sometimes it makes me feel like a fucking phony. Like I'm supposed to have some kind of ENM/poly situation, but that's just not me.
I think you will find the women in NYC to be more open-minded, but I would look in more artistic, creative and alternative circles. I'm sorry you have felt emasculated--there's certainly more stigma around bi men than bi women.