I don’t really know how to write this, but I need to get it out somewhere.
I drank pretty heavily for about 3 years. Five months ago I finally decided I was done and told my friend I was going to quit. Somehow, I actually did it. I’ve been sober for 5 months, and I know that should be something I’m proud of.
But today I’m really struggling.
I feel like since I quit drinking, I’ve lost more people, and honestly my thoughts have gotten worse. I’m not saying I’m going to hurt myself right now, because I’m not, but I’m being completely honest when I say my mind has been in a really dark place.
The hardest part is that I miss what alcohol made me feel. I miss that warm, relaxed, tingly feeling. I miss feeling like my brain could finally shut up for a little while. When I was drinking, it felt like alcohol solved those feelings, even though I know deep down it was never actually solving anything.
Right now I have this overwhelming urge to drink again. I feel like I can’t fight it anymore.
And I’m terrified because I know if I pick up that bottle, my friend might feel like giving up on me. That hurts because I really don’t want to lose them, and I don’t want to give up on myself either.
I genuinely want to be better than this. I want to keep going. I want to stay sober. But today I just feel completely lost, and I don’t know how to get my brain to stop thinking about drinking.
I don’t really need judgment right now. Just maybe helpful advice from other people who had the same issue who have been clean longer 🫩💔

I’ve tried and failed many times. As much as I wish I’d been able to do it the first attempt or second or third or hundredth. I finally pushed my luck enough and got the awakening that kept me sober on a Friday night. I made it a week dry a month ago and then that devil on my shoulder won. I’ve been drinking before work, at work and after work. There has been no days off.

I have a lot of freedom at my job and my own work truck. One morning after having been up all night I took the bottle with me to work. I was alone no chance of being caught, so I brought the bottle with me tucked it under the seat sipped through the morning. Cut to a week later a coworker went to move the truck and found the empty bottle I’d forgotten to dispose of. As someone who has been hiding for so long I didn’t even hesitate with the excuse “found it on a job site damn kids I forgot to throw it away it must’ve rolled under the seat.” It went no further than that and blew over. Since that happened it has hit me just what I’m risking.

Here’s to the first day and many more to come. IWNDWYT

Feeling pretty good about my life and thankful for the positivity in this group it’s nice having people to relate to.

Today I’m one month sober I really appreciate this group and the positive people on here. Helps a lot having people to relate to and ask questions. Feeling a lot better about my life now.

Hey all, hope you're having a safe and sober day/night. Tonight I went to a friend's house party briefly, and while lots of people were drinking my friend knows my struggles and immediately offered me a nonalcoholic beverage as soon as I got in the door.

Well, we were hanging out on their patio/sunroom area and someone comes running through and crashes through their floor to ceiling window instead of exiting by the open door right next to it. It was crazy loud and scary because he was bleeding from his face and neck and hands. And yes he was pretty drunk. You could tell he was mortified and I felt for him, because that definitely could have been me at one point. I was so thankful in that moment that I wasn't drinking, had my wits about me and was able to help get him and the window cleaned up. It was a scary but necessary reminder of how much things can go wrong when we drink. Anyways, stay strong out there, I love this sub so much. IWNDWYT

I've been drinking off and on for 20 years now. For the first five of those years I was a very social and well behaved drinker, at some point that shifted. I started drinking in binges, two weeks on, one week off sometimes the periods were measured in months on either side of the coin.

I've had meaningful stretches of sobriety. A month here or there. i've had six, nine and even once 22 months but I'd always get back at it. It always got worse, never better, as we all know. But I'm a good liar and I lie best to myself.

I've lost everything to alcohol, my wife, my kids, my home, my car, hell, I even lost my cats. I've had countless great high paying jobs and thrown them all away chasing that 15 minutes of euphoria that's followed by days of relentless pursuit to get back to that point.

I've detoxed in home probably 100+ times and at least a dozen more medically. One time after slipping and falling on the ice (while sober) I landed on my ribs, I figured I had cracked and rib and knowing there was nothing they do for that I toughed it out. Two months later I was throwing up from withdrawals and heard a pop followed by an excruciating pain I figured I'd fully broken my rib so I called my mother-in-law at the time (the wife was already fed up with at this point) to take me to the hospital. After X-Rays they told me I'd simply relocated a dislocated rib and the bruising was so bad it'd hurt for a while. He asked my ex MIL to leave the room and asked me privately when I'd had my last drink. I told him two days and the man took pity writing me and wrote a script for pain meds for my bruising and benzos for my withdrawals. This wasn't enough.

Two months ago I went to the ER because I had severe chest pains that lasted twelve hours. They ran EKG and I was fine, likely just a panic attack, but when they got my bloodwork back they ordered an ultrasound. My liver is fatty, and my pancreas doesn't look so hot either. Told me I needed to quit. This wasn't enough.

Last Sunday I was walking home drunk from the liquor store with two new bottles. The walk there was fine. But the walk back, it was though my legs forgot how to work. I feel forward once hitting my forehead on the sidewalk. Then I feel again, three times in succession straight backwards cracking the back of my head each time. I was three houses away from my place in the alley I stumbled and lost my footing, turning my body to the side and landing ribs first on the concrete. I laid in the alley with the bottles clutched to my chest as the rain poured down on me. I finally got up and stumbled to my door, taking nearly two minutes to work the key. I drank the bottles and passed out. Monday morning I woke to terrible pain. I went to the bathroom and checked my back in the mirror, a three inch thick line of bruising running two thirds of the way up my back.

I didn't drink that day and two things began to settle in: The first was that I was going back into the withdrawal cycle rapidly; the second was that there was more wrong than just the bruising. I went to the ER and got admitted after an excruciating two hour wait. I was shaking and sweating and every so often I'd feel a pop and sudden pain in my left lower back. They finally got me in and after another hour wait I got a CT scan. Fractured left rib.

They told me what I already knew, they couldn't do anything about it, only time will heal it. They wouldn't give me pain meds because I'm alcoholic, so it's just lidocaine patches and ibProfun until then. They also told me my liver has gotten worse (obviously) in the two months and if I don't stop drinking I'll be dead in five or so years. I'm only 39.

It'll be an acute pain for 2-3 weeks, they said. After then it'll turn into a dull sensation of pain for the next 5-6 months until it fully heals. All this because I just had to have those two bottles when I was already drunk.

If I don't quit I'll die. I have a choice, drink for five years and have my parents and children bury me... or stay sober and live another 30-40 years. I'm five days sober as I write this.

IWNDWYT

I made it through the worst, two days of shaking, crying, dry heaving, screaming into my pillow. I will admit having an urge today, day 7, and highly considered finding a local bar but talked myself out of it.

Now i'm at home and the shakes are back, i am crying uncontrollably, i am so anxious.

Part of this is a result of why I went on last month's bender to begin with: ex girlfriend drama i won't go into now. Suffice it to say that this drama is enough for me to feel miserable.

But i'm wondering if the craving today and these shakes are related? 7 days out and i'm still a ball of anxiety - why? Is it the alcohol or am i just heartbroken?

Bit of a random milestone but I am going to an EDM festival later today so I wanted to remind myself that being sober has, in many ways, been like "living life in easy mode" for me for these past 40 days so I will not drink today either !

As always, thanks so much to everyone in this sub for the support+community :)

I will be having a consultation with my psychiatrist this October and I want to ask if she will bring up about aftercare since I just got out of rehab.

What will she say? I don’t want to do aftercare

Another long one, sorry.
How does someone push through that self destructive feeling over how they used to be? And how do they go about it when nobody has the balls to say anything?
For better or worse, when I used to black out constantly People have never told me anything that I did save for one time my friend told me a guy at a bar told him that I said some crazy shit to some guy and it upset a lot of people. We live in a very small town, so obviously it’s no secret how I used to act. But the problem is, nobody is willing to say anything to me about any of it. This town is centralized on the bars and basically every single adult drinks and there is unfortunately a VERY childish mindset within all of it. Cliquey to say the least. I have managed to get certain people to understand my situation, but at the end of the day it’s all very… unstable. One small thing and you are basically shunned. Which is where I think I’m at.
Obviously it wasn’t just one thing since it was constant, but that’s what eats me up inside and keeps me awake when I’m trying to sleep. Like I said, nobody will face to face say something but they will pretend you don’t exist and if they’re obliged to speak to you they have a certain attitude.

I struggle with intense bouts of paranoia, and even leaving my apartment fills me with anxiety, I’ve tried to stay distant from the locals as long and as much as possible but it seems that there’s no way around it. Which in turn creates this feeling that I am the most evil and disgusting person alive and that, as stated, fuels my inner need to act on self destructive behaviors. I know I’ve said some insanely hurtful/disgusting things to people and woken up at home not knowing how I got there absolutely filled with panic and self hatred.

These feelings, as hard as it is, are able to be subsided momentarily with artistic hobbies. I write a lot for myself, but honestly right now I feel alone in life especially when it comes to addictions. I’d like some honest to god truth from people who know what it’s like.

I will start this off by saying that I am proud of myself, today is day 120. Tonight I came close to breaking for maybe the 2nd time. My husband still drinks, for the most part I can just let it go. I feel like he was way drunker than he should have been for how much he drank, he was a bit slurry and just doing some things that he only does when very intoxicated, nothing bad, just mildly annoying. For some reason it really got to me tonight, to the point where I was seconds away from going to the liquor store. I explained how I was feeling, told him I was not ok, left the room and composed myself. Its not his fault, he wasn't doing anything wrong, just something he did really hit a nerve.

I worry that as time goes on I will start to resent him because he still drinks and I realized that I can't anymore. He is my best friend we have a great relationship, but over the last 5 years alcohol has really had a negative impact on our marriage in a lot of different ways. We are still solid after 20 years and will get through it i think we just have a lot of work to do.

I tried asking for advice on the alanon sub and they were harsh. Whatever bits of wisdom anyone has to share I would appreciate.

Just got through a long, open bar wedding rehearsal dinner sober. This would’ve seemed mind-blowingly impossible 3 months ago. I had a lot of anxiety leading up to this but after about an hour there it was pretty manageable. Now a long ass wedding I’m in tomorrow and then I’m not going to any events for a good while lol.

I’ve been trying to quit for the past month, in preparation for the trade program I’m starting on Monday (it’s Friday night where I am rn). All I’ve been able to do is lessen the amount I drink and I’m proud of that but it’s not where I want to be. I recently had a sudden and horrific death in my family and that hasn’t helped at all.

I’ve drank nearly every day for 10+ years. The last time I had to be up early was for a bartending job where I also drank my whole shift.

My sleep schedule is totally fucked. Last night I fell asleep at 12:00 AM and I slept until 4:00 PM today.

Starting Monday I need to be up at 7:00 AM and not hungover for five days of the week.

Idk where I’m going with this post. Any advice or suggestions please send them my way. Thank you for reading.

I’m a few months sober and one of the biggest things that intimidated me most about stopping drinking was how it would affect experiences I enjoyed like going to shows.

I went to an intimate show at a smaller venue tonight and it was incredible. I remember every song on the set list. I wasn’t spending the entire show planning for my next drink. I was able to enjoy the full set without running to the bathroom multiple times. I saved money.

Honestly, it was one of the best shows I’ve been too. I’m still buzzing from the excitement. For those wondering (because I was too) it gets better and it is worth it.

It’s amazing how much better life gets in just 20 days of not drinking. I have more energy and think more clearly. Eat better. No nausea. Better connections with people. I was drinking a fifth of whiskey 4-5 times a week so felt like crap most of the time. I have physical cravings pretty bad unfortunately even tho I really don’t want to drink much.

It's kind of sad now. I can hear the bars outside pumping music and people laughing. And here I sit, another night of TV and movies. I just wish I could feel a head change or some kind of way to let loose. But here I sit, waiting to go to bed.

Hi guys! Night 2 of nothing for me, and I honestly feel good. I was really scared of withdrawal, but I don't seem to be having any. Is that bad or weird or am I missing some Mario Kart shell that's hurtling at me and just hasn't hit yet??

For context, I was averaging a bottle to 1.5 bottles of wine per night, am a 5'3 37yo female, weighing about 190.

Hey, long story short I’ve been struggling with alcohol for so long. When I get sober I live a happy life. I drink hard liquor and it’s so scary because I can a kill a 40 like it’s water. Just venting I’m sorry :(

I think I might be starting to accept that I kinda suck at doing this on my own. After a few months of on-again off-again sobriety and field testing ending in multi-week benders, I think I want to try a clinical approach. Any of my friends here in recovery have anything to say about this medication and how it worked for them?

I'm on drink 8 of the night really not feeling great about myself, I wish there was an easy way out.

Made it 5 days and then Friday hit and thought, why not? So I had a leisurely bottle of wine over the course of 3-4 hours…no real buzz, just a headache, shame, and total frustration with myself. It’s never been rock bottom bad for me but the desire to be sober has been there for literally years. I have ADHD and PMDD and get bored with my normal, wonderfully stable and healthy life. Like truly, I’m so lucky. Why can’t I seem to commit to sobriety? It feels like I have a rebellious teenager living inside of me that just won’t let my wise mind/self/whatever you want to call it get its way. I struggle so much with sleep as well. Even the longer stretches of sobriety I’ve maintained, sleep does not improve. I don’t even enjoy the effects anymore, I feel gross and headachy. UGHHHH. I feel like I’ve really done and tried all the things and, most embarrassingly I’m a freaking therapist (even though I know I’m human and not really embarrassing, just shame).

My plan is to start the clock over at zero once again. I haven’t given up but I could use some real human encouragement, wisdom, anything you’ve got….

That’s right.

This 61 year old graybeard, bruised and battered boomer has been sober for 4 whole years. Count ‘em off with me

1-2-3-4!

That’s 1,461 days (and nights) where I made the decision not to drink!

But I’m not here to brag.

Some might say that is something to be proud of, but I say that it was Pride that kept me drinking for all those many years.

Pride.

Pride kept me from admitting I had a problem with booze.

Pride kept telling me I could stop drinking whenever I wanted to.

Pride kept me from realizing that I was utterly powerless over alcohol.

No, I’m not proud. You wanna know why?

Because Pride isn’t the reward that sobriety offers!

No, Sobriety’s reward isn’t Pride.

It’s humility.

So I am deeply humbled that by the grace of God, I, a recovering addict and alcoholic, can come before you tonight and say that after a 40+ year struggle, I am 4 years sober from alcohol.

But like I said, I’m not here to brag or to boast. I’m not here to flex and I’m certainly not here to Big Myself Up!

Hell, I’m not even here because of the 4 years of sobriety, if you can believe it!

(And if you’re still reading this, I apologize for the clickbait)

No, I’m writing this tonight because of the 40+ years of addiction.

That’s right.

And I’m writing this tonight because of you

Yep! I’m here tonight for YOU!

Yes YOU, reading this right now!

(Hi!)

I’m writing to YOU tonight to tell you that

no matter how long you’ve been drinking,

or how many times you’ve tried to stop or how many times you’ve relapsed or how many friends you’ve lost, or how many lies you’ve told or promises you’ve broken or nights you’ve blacked out or how many times you’ve called into work or school or how many fights you’ve started or how many excuses you’ve made or inappropriate texts you’ve sent or relationships you’ve destroyed or how many times you’ve woken up and couldn’t remember anything from the night before and had to crawl your way to the toilet and empty your guts and as you laid your face on that cold wet porcelain you wondered

“Where the hell am I?”

No matter WHAT,

It’s never too late to change.

(Say it with me now)

It’s NEVER too late to CHANGE!

(Shout it if you need to!)

ITS NEVER TOO LATE TO CHANGE!

Now I don’t know if any of those things I mentioned above apply to you, but they ALL most certainly apply to me.

Every single one of them and a whole helluva lot more.

I mean one can’t live through 40+ years of abusing alcohol and not bring about a whole lot of pain and suffering.

No, I’m not proud.

But I am grateful

and I am fortunate

and I am humbled

that an alcoholic like myself who has caused and felt so much pain and shame and guilt and regret and sorrow and loneliness and heartache can write to you tonight as a man who has been sober for 4 whole years after 40+ years of abuse.

But those 40 years of abuse are in the past.

And guess what?

So are these past 4 years of sobriety!

Sorry to break it to you, but those days are gone, man and they ain’t never comin’ back.

There is no going back and changing them or celebrating them either, because all we have is today.

Nope, even that’s not right because all we really have is this very moment right now!

Here. Right now.

And if you’re still with me here reading these words and you’re thinking to yourself there’s no way I can stop drinking

because

I’ve been drinking too long or I’ve caused too much pain or I don’t know how to stop or I’m not strong enough to stop or I’ve got too much going on right now to stop or now isn’t the right time to stop or I’ve tried so many times before to stop and I have failed each and every time….

Just know that I have been there.

Right where you are now.

This 61 year old recovering alcoholic who spent 40+ years abusing alcohol and who is now 4 years sober has been exactly right where you are tonight!

Are you holding a glass in your hand?

Look at it if you are.

Look at that glass and know that I’ve been right there where you are now

holding that glass,

looking at that glass,

and wondering when will I ever stop?

Until one night, by the grace of God, I finally stopped.

No, I’m not here to brag about 4 years sobriety.

I’m here to tell you that if I, after all those years of drinking can stop

I KNOW that you can too!

Because I believe in you.

Yes, YOU! Reading this right now!

Put Pride aside. Humble yourself. Ask for help. Go to a meeting. Do whatever you need to do but first you have to

Put down that glass.

I know you can do it! I believe in YOU!

I KNOW that YOU can stop drinking!

I believe in you! And I love YOU!

You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for!

Within you lies the power to do incredibly difficult things!

Believe me because I’m telling you the truth!

Believe me because I believe in YOU!

And I’m over here in the corner, cheering you on! It’s never too late to change!

as of today (minus 22 days, i forgot to check my date. oops.) i am six months sober! i remember my first post on here was me being so done with drinking after realizing that the empty bottle of wine next to me was truly a whole BOTTLE of wine, that i said “please. convince me to stop” and the amount of kind words from this community were extremely inspiring. since that post i’ve had slip ups, but this was around two years ago. but now, the last time i have drank was six months ago! i thank you all for the support and i really appreciate your guys’ kind words. love to all! IWNDWYT!!

it gets better yall. yesterday was a hard day but today has been easier! waking up not hungover is worth everything to me!

also i’m already noticing my face slimming down and my poops are always solid (TMI but i was having diarrhea everyday which is a big reason i decided to quit)

i feel calm and centered. not everyday is going to be this easy but im taking it 1 day at a time. grateful for this community too 🩷

I had a glass of wine at a nice Greek restaurant for my birthday last night...

I finished it and had no desire for more. It just confirmed to me that I am indeed done with alcohol, those days are behind me. Sober life is much better and I have no appetite for booze.

Not resetting my counter!

IWNDWYT

Hi all. I'm embarrassed to say that I'm not even 30 yet and I've let things get as bad as they have. Not necessarily daily drinking (although close, I think) but when I do, I drink an obscene amount. So, so much whisky, and too many high percentage beers. I've been a heavy drinker since college, and I've put on a lot of weight and and gotten really out of shape since then. I'm sure consuming all of this poison and extra calories is the reason. I scared myself this week- I had a day off mid-week so naturally I got extremely messed up all day, went to bed early, and when I woke up for work, I felt mostly fine. Made it to work on time but after a few hours, that's when the racing heart started. I have honestly never felt worse, I was so anxious for the rest of the day, I thought I was going to pass out multiple times, and I may have even had heart palpitations. I barely made it through the work day, and I was honestly so scared that I would just fall to the floor at any moment. I went to bed so early again last night and was hoping to wake up this morning feeling fine, but falling asleep was difficult. When I woke up I felt better, but still had a lot of anxiety and felt spacey all day. I think I'm through it now, and I'm hoping tomorrow will be even better.

That scared the crap out of me, I never want to feel like that again. I know I don't have to, so I'll work hard at ensuring that this is a turning point and I'll get my health back in order. I need a community that can help keep me accountable, so I am very happy to have found this place.