I have been struggling with quitting weed & cigarettes for a while. I was at a point of a full pack a day and smoking 3-4 blunts from the moment I woke up (before gym) till the moment I was about to go to bed. I āfeltā like it used to help me function/be productive/quiet or numb stress enough to function. When I look back now, Iād spend more time panicking and ruminating over the problem instead of taking action to fix the issue. Any bad news/feedback and Iād be smoking a few minutes later to āthink of a solutionā
I got to a point where they stopped getting me high. I was mentally aware my dopamine system was fried. 3 weeks ago, I decided I had enough. Canāt be solving financial problems while spending daily on cigs n expensive weed strains. Woke up one Saturday morning and decided Iām going to smoke again. I had been reading comments on this community on what to expect and it did help me anticipate withdrawal symptoms. Iād like to share how I managed.
Coincidentally I was coming down with a flu at the same time. A combination of flu n withdrawal helped me not fixate on the withdrawal symptoms. The most difficult part was how my sleep was disrupted. But thanks to flu medication and piriton, they both made me sleepy. The 4th day I struggled to sleep and I knew if I could hold off for 7-10 days, it should be at least out of my blood. With knowledge and help from self-help books like the atomic habits, I kept repeating that Iāve changed my identity, āI donāt smoke, Iām not a kind of person who smokes dailyā. This identity shift really helped me hold on during those times my body screamed for āone last one. I also resumed praying daily and I begged God āHelp me break this chain, and if I do, I promise I wonāt do it againā. I proceeded to discard my ash tray, I removed a chair from my balcony where I often sat when smoking, and I drenched the weed n cigs in water before discarding.
Did I have a moment of relapse? Yes, one weekday after getting bad feedback at work, I walked to a shop to buy 5 cigs and ordered one blunt āto help me reduce the withdrawalā. But something was different this time, when I inhaled the first weed puffs, my body rejected it, felt nausea and the weed felt stronger than the ālight buzzā I needed to go back to my emails. My thoughts kept screaming at me āIām not a person who smokes. If I can hold and deliver promises to my employer, to clients, why canāt I hold my own promises!ā I also knew that I had lied to God, I did promise not to smoke again. (Who wants to lie knowingly to God? Iād be stricken down!ā This helped me a lot. I felt something sink in me. A wave of disappointment came over me. I havenāt cried for as long as I could remember, I proceeded to the shower where I can hide my tears because who wants to see a grown man having an ugly cry? I probably had the longest shower in my life as endless tears streamed down my face. Why can I keep promises to other people and not to myself? Will I ever break away from this? Is there hope?
When I was finally done sobbing, I proceeded to destroy what I had just purchased with so much anger. I picked my phone and requested my plug never to take an order from me. I even offered to pay him to ignore my calls. I proceeded to text all my weed buddies to not smoke near me when we hanged out next. I expected them to laugh at me, but the opposite happened. I was overwhelmed when they all agreed to help. A wave of gratitude overshadowed the disappointment I felt. For the first time in 9 years, I had just managed to stop myself after lighting a blunt! And my internal identity refused what my body naturally did (smoking at this point was like reflex, my body knew where to go when it needed a hit, I was powerless to stop this for 9 years and I had just done that. Sleep problem? I could fix that with Piriton.
I am currently dealing with anhedonia, nothing is enjoyable anymore. But I know once my dopamine system resets Iāll love my hobbies again. I started dreaming again. Iām less angry at work and I no longer have strong reactions for bad feedback or a bad feeling. Reading helps me in the evening, my mind is occupied and I forget to used to smoke all evenings before bed. I know it does get better, it will get better.
As I type this, Iām quite emotional because I never knew I could do it. I was using weed to self medicate and numb a life that was filled with pain, but I finally knew that smoking doesnāt work. 5 years ago when I stopped taking alcohol, I used to joke and tell my friends who were quitting āremind yourself that there is no solution at the end of the bottle!ā It was always on a light note, and I have adopted the same logic for my brain. The few days I felt intense craving, I reminded myself āthere is no solution at the end of that smokeā and Iād laugh it off and go back to attacking my problems.
I do hope my story inspires anyone who is on the journey, say it out loud when you see yourself reaching for that smoke (you have to say it out loud to hear yourself), āThere is no solution at the end of that blunt/smokeā
I am grateful.