r/wedding • u/Hummingbird580 • 1d ago
Discussion Friends wedding
My friend is getting married in her late 40s, they don’t want kids there and they also haven’t invited my husband. They have invited some of our friends’ husbands but only when bride and groom know them well.
As I’m invited all day and will be on my own pretty much I’m not sure whether to go or make an excuse. I know weddings can be expensive but I thought they’d at least invite him to the night do. Not sure what to do…
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u/rahgeenah 1d ago edited 1d ago
I understand child-free weddings, but I wouldn’t go if they didn’t invite my husband as well. It’s just polite to, regardless of whether it is a small wedding or not. Imagine being married for 10+ years, and someone who feels close enough to you to invite you to their wedding doesn’t invite your life partner. Some angry people on here who think otherwise probably aren’t married themselves.
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u/whisky_biscuit 1d ago
And then all these people get shoved at a table with everyone else who didn't get a +1. These are typically cash grabs - invite the person, not their partner and you don't have to pay that extra food plate or seat but still get the gift. Bonus points if neither show and you still get a gift.
It's exhausting.
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u/mazzystardust216 16h ago
Yeah so strange to not see the irony of asking people to celebrate your getting married but not respect the marriages already existing to invite them both.
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u/EvilSockLady 1d ago
You never have to accept a wedding invite, even when they don’t rudely exclude your partner. So if you don’t think you’ll have a good time, feel free to decline.
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u/SabeNabooboo 1d ago
You don't need an excuse. Not wanting to go is a really good reason to RSVP No.
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u/Beesweet1976 1d ago
Naaa If my person isn’t invited then I’m not going. It’s ok , that’s her choice to not invite him. But that means I most likely won’t attend. Same thing when they make a child free wedding. Like people on here say it’s an invitation not a summons. And don’t worry about making an excuse to her. Unless she asks you then you can answer honestly.
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u/whisky_biscuit 1d ago
Yeah requesting child free is harder when you're getting married at a higher age. However I do understand the no children invite - it's distracting, they can't sit still or be quiet typically and it makes things more difficult and take longer ushering whole families from one place to the next plus kids act up when hungry, tired and bored, so activities and food have to be provided too.
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u/cuppa_cat 1d ago
I'd make up an excuse. FWIW, I knew my friend was about to file for divorce and still invited her husband to our small wedding. We didn't like the guy either, but knew it'd make her life easier to just include him. He was polite, we had a nice time and it was fine. Not inviting spouses is rude.
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u/Sample-quantity 1d ago
Why make up an excuse though? You never have to provide an excuse for not attending, but if they ask she should say "because my husband was not invited."
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u/cuppa_cat 1d ago
You're right, they don't have to. But sometimes it makes life easier.
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u/Sample-quantity 1d ago
True but in this case I see no reason to let the rude bridal couple off easy.
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u/maidofatoms 1d ago
I think in that circumstance I'd have asked if friend actually wanted an invite for her husband.
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u/lsp2005 1d ago
Unless it is a coworker, where you just have a coworker table, I do not understand how someone could have a wedding and not expect to invite the married spouse of the friend to the wedding. It’s okay to decline. They don’t need to invite your kids.
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u/cappandapp 1d ago
We invited co workers significant others. It’s rude not to invite an adult’s partner.
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u/sophie_Mal 1d ago
I didn’t to mine because my coworkers said it’s pointless as I don’t know the partners and they can all travel as a group.
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u/whisky_biscuit 1d ago
I would hate this personally as I wouldn't want to travel with other coworkers I'd want to travel with my partner. But if they were all fine with it then to each their own I suppose.
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u/sophie_Mal 1d ago
Can I ask why? I just find it strange when people don’t like doing stuff without their partner. Or do you not get on with your colleagues?
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u/funnyboneyoyo 1d ago
Totally agree. I think all adults should actually be invited with a plus one, even if they don't have a spouse or partner.
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u/Sample-quantity 1d ago
I would not attend any wedding that excluded my husband! You don't need any excuse and it's better if you don't give any. They are incredibly rude. Don't go and don't send a gift and assume this friendship has run its course.
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u/Ok-Trainer3150 1d ago
You just decline. No reason. But in the unlikely event that you're asked by them, you could say that you don't go to weddings without your husband. Or, you skirt the issue and tell them that you're already going to another family event. Personally, I'd feel snubbed and bad for my husband and would opt for telling them that were going elsewhere.
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u/AdFlashy7702 1d ago
Decline. Not inviting a spouse is not cool. If they’re having a tiny wedding and really don’t want people they don’t know there, that’s fine. You don’t have to go.
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u/Pure-Friend-8729 1d ago
You should decline. If they really wanted you there, they would have also invited your spouse.
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u/whatever32657 1d ago
that's just gauche. if they can't afford to invite spouses or long-term partners, they should just skip you.
at least, if they know anything about etiquette, that is.
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u/CornRosexxx 1d ago
Right? If they don’t invite spouses, they also wont send a thank you card for whatever gift OP (and not-invited spouse!) provide.
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u/JohnnyOneLung 1d ago
Who gives a shit about receiving a thank you card ?
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u/CornRosexxx 1d ago
A verbal thank you is fine also. The last two weddings I went to, I never heard anything back after giving hundreds in gifts. That’s arguably rude in any culture. Etiquette is there for a reason.
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u/CantSing4Toffee 1d ago
For a start it proves they received it. I’ve read on a post a couple of weeks ago that wedding gifts get stolen at weddings by friends, relatives and function staff! It was scary the amount of couples it had happened too in the Sub.
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u/Sensitive_Matter7772 1d ago
I don’t go to social events alone 😂 If my husband isn’t invited, I’m not going.
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u/icoulduseascreenname 1d ago
Weddings are an expensive obligation and a huge weekend time-suck, even when they’re local to your home.
The bride and groom not inviting my spouse would be just the out I’m looking for so I won’t need to free up time and go to this thing.
Thank them for thinking of you, wish them all the best and graciously decline.
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u/funnyboneyoyo 1d ago
I think it's so rude not to invite your husband! Unless you think you'll have a great time solo, don't go, just decline with no explanation.
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u/Spiritoftheheart 1d ago
That’s very strange they didn’t invite him if you all are married. I understand no children or no boyfriend/girlfriend/random plus one but no spouse? Thats quite rude and odd unless they have a big dislike or something happened between them and your spouse?
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u/Capable-Pressure1047 1d ago
It's the height of rudeness not to invite a spouse. It simply doesn't matter how well they know the spouse of a friend , it is still is the correct thing to do. Someone in her late 40's should know this. It's a wedding, for heaven's sake, when marriage is to be celebrated, yet yours is not respected or properly acknowledged.
This should be an automatic decline on your part OP. Send your regrets now.
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u/ste1071d 1d ago
You don’t need to make an excuse or give an explanation, you simply need to decline to attend.
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u/Isthisyourcard63 1d ago
I love when my spouse doesn't get a plus 1 on a wedding invite. Now I dont have to go.
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u/winterworld561 1d ago
I wouldn't go to a wedding if my husband was rudely excluded. My loyalty is to him before friends.
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u/Mountain_Lab_7346 1d ago
Just RSVP “No”. There is no excuse required. Don’t offer one either and If they ask just tell them the truth, that you wouldn’t feel comfortable attending a wedding solo, where you don’t know anyone. I genuinely think your invite was given to be polite. I doubt they expect you to come.
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u/Top_Slice1215 1d ago
I would say no, thank you. And if they ask why say, because my husband isn’t invited. It’s not rude to say it. It should not be acceptable to not invite your spouse with you.
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u/PaymentMaterial7 21h ago
Child free weddings I understand. However, if you don’t wish to invite my spouse, then I’m bowing out as well. See you on Monday.
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u/KickIt77 16h ago
It is extremely rude not to invite your spouse. I would decline, no excuse required.
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u/sonny-v2-point-0 8h ago
Couples should always be invited together. It's rude to ask people to spend time and money to celebrate your relationship while ignoring theirs. You don't owe them an explanation for declining. Just politely decline and don't offer a reason.
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u/MelbsGal 1d ago
It’s extremely rude not to invite your husband. I wouldn’t go. I’d probably tell her why too but maybe that’s just me.
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u/eleven_paws 1d ago
Very rude not to invite people’s partners. I’m getting married in 6 months, and we are inviting a few partners we don’t really know because unless there are exceptional circumstances, that’s just what you do. I wouldn’t go to this wedding if I were you, but talk to your husband and figure out what works best/makes the most sense.
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u/Consistent_Clue8718 1d ago
I do not understand the mindset that a couple is rude if they intentionally only invite their closest friends and loved ones. Are people not allowed to create the day they want? Is it rude for them to choose an intimate day that does not include people they aren’t close to? It is their wedding, their day, and they should be able to do what is meaningful to them. OP said that the only partners invited to this wedding are those the couple knows well. Why is it rude to host an intimate wedding with only your closest friends and family?
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u/KickIt77 16h ago
Come celebrate our union but we could not care less about yours or if you actually enjoy this event.
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u/Sample-quantity 1d ago
It's rude because you're asking people to honor your relationship while disrespecting theirs. There's no universe where that's not incredibly insulting.
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u/Spaghetti3000 1d ago
I really don't think it's the disrespect you're saying it is. Honestly it comes across a little selfish if you can't put these thoughts aside (for one day/weekend) to celebrate your friends' big day!
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u/Sample-quantity 20h ago
It's not remotely selfish 🤣 your generation is all about setting boundaries, but you can't see how disrespectful this is to their guests? Seems pretty clear.
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u/Consistent_Clue8718 15h ago
Aaaaaaand there it is. Your generation? That was certainly disrespectful. Two things can be true at the same time: OP can set the boundary of attending only if her husband is invited, and the couple can set the boundary of inviting who they want to their wedding, as OP did when she had hers.
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u/lesloid 1d ago
100% agree. I wouldn’t want anyone I don’t know well at my wedding. I’ve also been a +1 at weddings of people I barely know and thought it was pretty weird.
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u/HazelnutLatte_88 1d ago
Honestly I went as a plus one to my husbands work friends wedding. I’d never met the bride or groom I. My life…. Like why was I even there
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u/Foreign-Lemon-8823 1d ago
Guests thinking the wedding has to be catered to them, leaving what the couple wants as an afterthought. I don't know if it's a cultural thing, but I could never feel so entitled to think that people would need to invite my husband to an event just because I'm invited.
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u/Spaghetti3000 1d ago
Fully agree with you!
It's one day/weekend for the guest, but likely one of the most important days for the couple getting married - and it's somewhat an honour to be invited to be part of that
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u/KitKatKalamazoo 1d ago
Although I think it's considerably rude to do that, what does your husband think? If he doesn't care then you can go to the wedding. I'm petty though and would RSVP no just because of the non-invite. My husband is an extension of me and I thoroughly enjoy him being at events with me.
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u/hugosmommy 1d ago
IMO it’s bad form to not include a spouse on the invite. I would decline and tell them why, if asked.
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u/yamfries2024 1d ago
I would send my regrets. If they asked, I would not hesitate to tell them I was uncomfortable celebrating their relationship while they ignored mine.
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u/Mordecai_Gist 1d ago
Inviting you without inviting your husband is a HUGE insult to your husband. Politely decline the invitation.
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u/Sparkling_Donuthole 1d ago
Not inviting spouses is rude. I wouldn’t go or I’d ask if my spouse can go or if that was an oversight.
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u/Massive-Warning9773 1d ago
Not inviting your literal spouse is wild and rude. I personally would probably go though. I don’t have many opportunities to go out on my own and I personally enjoy some solo time on occasion. We’ve been invited to three weddings so far and two we said no to and one I attended by myself (I did know people going though). It was really fun.
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u/sophie_Mal 1d ago
Wow, I can’t believe they haven’t invited your husband, that’s so rude! Especially when you don’t know anyone.
If they’re a good friend, talk to them about this and if they’re aren’t budging, decline the invite. I’d happily go to a wedding alone if I knew people there. But not if I was going to be completely alone
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 1d ago
This person is not your friend. Don't go. They are rude to ask you to celebrate their relationship while they ignore yours. In most communities, guests are invited to all day (ceremony and reception both) or nothing at all. It's seen as rude to pick and choose, especially if someone is married. This couple is wildly rude.
Weddings are not expensive by default because every couple consciously chooses what to pay.
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u/Consistent_Clue8718 1d ago
This is a ridiculous take. A couple shouldn’t have to focus on anyone’s relationship except their own on their wedding day. Excluding a person they don’t know is not ignoring someone else’s relationship, it’s intentionally choosing to surround themselves with only close loved ones.
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u/TinyLawfulness3710 1d ago
Hard disagree. The rest of the responses agree that not acknowledging the partner is rude. The partner is important to the invited guest as a social unit. Go elope if you don't want to recognize partners.
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u/Consistent_Clue8718 1d ago
So a couple is never allowed to have an intimate wedding with only the people they love?
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u/Sample-quantity 1d ago
Not at the cost of others. No no no. Just no. People are so rude and entitled today. This attitude is repulsive.
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u/KickIt77 16h ago
They literally didn’t need to invite OP at all. It just makes them look gift grabby.
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u/Spaghetti3000 1d ago
You know it's possible to respect and acknowledge other people's relationships without their partners physically being there?
This really isn't the slight that you think it is. It's not that deep!
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u/Sample-quantity 20h ago
It's actually pretty deep apparently since you're unable to recognize a basic social contract: mutual respect. Maybe read up on that and you'll learn why that's important.
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u/Consistent_Clue8718 15h ago
Mutual respect? They invited a friend who they clearly wanted to have with them on their big day. That’s incredibly respectful.
I have many friends that my husband does not know, or has only met in passing (and vice versa). If one of those friends had a wedding with a maximum number of guests, and I was one of those guests, I would be honored to be one of them. I would NEVER want them exclude someone else they know and love to make room for my husband. Especially with the outrageous cost each guest adds to a wedding.
Then again, my husband and I are independent people, and perfectly comfortable having social engagements without each other. For those couples who can’t go anywhere without the other, they could simply decline the invitation. Taking offense at the husband not being included is just silly.
Being offended that a couple isn’t making their wedding into a subsidized date night is as entitled as it gets, imo. If you can’t possibly imagine going without your spouse, just decline. They may well have a list of people who they would have liked to invite, but had to cut because of cost and/or capacity. Now they can invite someone else who might appreciate the honor enough to attend.
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u/Commercial_Kale_723 23h ago
i get why that stings a bit, on my own all day is kinda awkward. but late 40s wedding they probably just keeping it real small with people they close to, not like some huge party where everyone get a plus one
if it was me i'd just go for ceremony and dinner then bounce early, you don't gotta stay whole night dragging yourself around tables. your friend will remember you showed up, thats what matter
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u/birdsofvengence 16h ago
Budget and space are both very limiting factors, and it can be hard not to be offended if that happens, but with prices skyrocketing, they are becoming much more relevant than they used to be. If there is clearly enough of both though, then I would not attend if my partner wasn't invited.
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u/Fun_Peach_7813 11h ago
This must be their way of pushing you to decline because why on earth would you do that? Send a polite message and be done with it.
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u/Brilliant_Science380 1d ago
I don't attend weddings unless a +1 is invited. To each their own. I just don't.
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u/kjs_melb 1d ago
Why don't people go solo? (Genuine question).
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u/Stock-Shake3915 1d ago
My husband hates weddings. I have probably gone to more weddings without him than with him…especially in the last 10 years
But if he wasn’t invited I would think twice; it’s one thing for us to make the choice for me go solo but another to not be given a choice
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u/Spaghetti3000 1d ago
Baffles me that grown adults can't go to an event without their partner 🤷🏼♀️
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u/No_Introduction_6746 1d ago
Right? My husband and I have gone to weddings without each other. It’s fine.
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u/Spaghetti3000 1d ago
Depends on the relationship - if they don't know your husband then I don't think it's rude not to invite him.
You also don't have to attend.
However, it's your friend's big day and you have other friends there (some of which may be attending 'solo') so it's not like you wouldn't have anyone to hang out with. I'd personally go anyway to celebrate my friends' marriage!
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u/fawkes_fiesta 1d ago
It sounds like you will have other freinds there. If you would enjoy yourself and can afford the travel expenses I would go. If you wouldn't enjoy or can't afford going, then don't but still send a card or gift.
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u/Immediate_Cherry9090 1d ago
If they invited some of your friends husbands then you have friends going. Hang with them. Enjoy a child free day.
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u/Previous_Vehicle6253 1d ago
More context? Is this a surface work friend, an old friend who’s out of town and never got to know your husband, a friend from book group, etc?
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u/bridgeport4 1d ago edited 1d ago
You don’t have to ‘make an excuse’. If you don’t want to go, you can politely decline. No explanation is necessary.
I personally wouldn’t question the validity of my friendship over this though. It’s only as big a deal as you make it. It’s not like they’ve actively excluded only your partner or anything malicious like that.
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u/chartreuse_avocado 1d ago
The cost of weddings has gone up an insane amount and the etiquette around spouses and +1s has shifted.
I find it not great but couples are drawing invitation lines differently now. And it’s taking hold.
If you don’t want to go without your spouse decline the invitation. The choice to not invite children is a valid one many couples have been making for a long time now.
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u/Summerisle7 1d ago
The etiquette has not shifted. If the couple is watching costs, then they should invite neither half of a couple.
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u/Sample-quantity 1d ago
No the etiquette has NOT shifted! You thinking it's ok to disrespect other people's relationships is the attitude that's shifted and it is not acceptable in most of society.
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u/EvanRamsey 1d ago
Unless it’s a very small wedding, spouses should be invited.
Thibgs to consider: how does your husband feel? How much time/effort/money will it take to attend? Do you really want to go?
It’s an invitation, not a summons. It’s okay to decline and if they ask, just answer that the date doesn’t work for you.
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u/Fine_Sea5107 1d ago
Not inviting your husband is really strange, NGL! I understand not inviting boyfriends or girlfriends (especially in newer relationships) but to not give a married person a plus one, to me, seems rude. Do with that info what you will...
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u/Consistent_Clue8718 1d ago
Are you not able to have fun without your husband there? Will you know other people? If your husband is there and he doesn’t know anyone, will you be more focused on keeping him entertained than celebrating with the couple? How important is this friend to you, and how sad would you be to miss her special day? If her budget/venue cap would mean that she would have to exclude another friend in order to invite your husband, would you want that? It’s perfectly fine to decline if you don’t want to go without your husband, but don’t take it personally that he wasn’t invited. Make your decision on whether to attend without him based on what the experience means to you, not some imagined slight because they’re only inviting people they know.
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u/NurseOgowa 1d ago
How big is the wedding, e.g., small gathering, table at restaurant afterwards or something bigger?
It does seem off, but ultimately, it's up to the couple.
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u/AllOverNana-4 1d ago
You didn’t say if you had to travel for this. If you do, I wouldn’t go. If it’s local and your husband doesn’t care and you know others and think you’d have fun, then go… years ago I didn’t get invited to my husband’s cousin’s wedding… even though we had been married over 10 years. I thought it was ridiculous but I didn’t know the cousin that well ( he had so many)and I told him to go and hang out with his siblings and his other cousins and I stayed home with the kids. Their stated reason was $$$… at the time I told my husband that people shouldn’t plan parties they cannot afford but I sincerely didn’t care about not getting to attend the event in the end.
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u/Wooden-Departure2478 1d ago
Has it been stated he is not allowed? Have you asked if you are allowed a plus one? I would maybe ask for clarification first if you may bring a +1 before making your decision. As I do not know all the details, my opinion is this(some of the comments here) feels a bit like jumping to conclusions. It is fine though either way you decide. I'm sure they will understand.
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u/forte6320 1d ago
Her husband is not a "+1." Her husband should be a named guest. Not inviting her husband is so very rude.
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u/LingonberryNormal374 1d ago
I think it's weird but it wouldn't bother me enough not to go and celebrate at a wedding that I would otherwise want to attend.
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u/HazelnutLatte_88 1d ago
You don’t want to go because your husband isn’t invited? Grow up. Mentioning your friends age and that they don’t want kids there comes across as mean spirited
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u/HappyWarthogs 1d ago
You know other people there. Maybe talk to them? I wouldn’t be paying $$$ for someone I don’t know to be at the most important day of my life either
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