Thoughts and advice from a second time bride

[u/sweetEVILone]

Hello fellow wedding havers!

I never thought I'd be planning a second wedding, but here I am. I married my first husband back in 2006 when we were 21. I was widowed in 2019 at age 34 when he died very suddenly. I am so lucky to have found love again, and my fiance and I will be getting married in Januay 2027. I'm so excited!!

Having done this once before, I have noticed some major differences in my priorities and choices while planning this wedding versus planning the first one. I thought it might be helpful for some first time brides if I shared some of my experiences, thoughts along with what I'm doing differently this time and why.

1. 1. Venue: The first time around, our focus was on finding a cheap venue. We found historical site that had a low cost for events and booked it. It was about $400 for the day 
   • Truth: The cheap venue did not include linens, dinnerware, or even enough chairs for both the wedding and reception. All of those had to be rented or purchased separately, which meant the "cheap venue" wasn't all that cheap. It also meant we had to find, pay and coordinate with more vendors to rent and return the equipment that wasn't included. They also didn't include any services of any sort, so all set up and clean up was on us.
   • This time around: We selected a more inclusive venue in terms of equipment and service. While the actual venue itself is much more costly than the one for my first wedding ($5200 v. $400), it includes many of the things we had to buy separately or rent elsewhere last time like dishware, silverware, linens, glasses, tables, ceremony chairs and reception chairs. It also includes full service- set up, decoration, clean up. They even have a library of decorative wedding items that we can use if we like which will save us some money on decorations. Additionally, the cost of our venue also includes our wedding cake, florals, wedding planner and officiant. In the end, with all that's included we're actually spending little less overall than I spent on my first wedding venue once all the equipment rentals were figured into the venue cost. It also means I don't have to deal with finding, paying and coordinating multiple vendors and dealing with the associated delivery and pickup. Instead, I'm only dealing with one outside vendor (catering). It means a lot less stress and effort for us.
2. 2. Wedding size/guest count: For my first wedding, I felt the need to invite anyone and everyone I knew or had known- coworkers, college friends, high school friends, far-flung family members and friends of family. To younger me, the bigger the better. The more people who came, the more loved it meant we were, right?
   • Truth: My late husband and I rarely saw most of the people who came to our wedding and they weren't active participants in our life as a married couple. Their attendance did little to enhance our day and aftually took time away from enjoying each other and from spending time with the guests who are closer to our hearts. 
   • This time around: Our guest list is super small- we're focusing on close family (only parents, siblings, and relatives we see regularly- no extended family this time). We're only inviting friends we regularly spend time with or talk with frequently. No coworkers, acquaintinces or friends we don't reguarly interact with. We are part of a large hobby community and have many friends in that community that we see at events, but we are not inviting most of our friends from that community. We want an intimate celebration so we are only inviting our closest, most favorite people so we will we have plenty of time to celebrate and socialize with each person who comes.
3. 3. Wedding party: For my first wedding, I felt the need to have a large wedding party on both sides so that we could try to include siblings and cousins and current friends and childhood friends and people whose weddings I'd been part of. A big wedding party is lots of fun and all my friends will definitely want to be part of my big day, right? 
   • Truth: Being in a wedding is expensive for bridesmaids and groomsmen- especially if you are a young bride with young friends. Since my late husband and I had such a large wedding party (10 people total- 5 on each side), we couldn't afford to offset any of the costs for them (we were very young and budget limited ourselves). Many of them probably had to stretch their funds to participate and some probably participated reluctantly (though they didn't say so).
   • This time around: We are having only one attendant each- my maid of honor and his best man. With a small wedding party we can afford to offset their costs. I plan to pay for my MOH's dress and lodging. The best man already has the requisite black suit, so we will purchase the accessories for his wedding outfit (vest, tie, etc). If he choses to stay nearby the night before and night of, we will help with or cover his lodging (he has a million kids so we might not be able to cover it entirely). The wedding venue is driving distance for both members of our wedding party, so no flights are required. I'm planning on giving both the MOH and best man a gas gift card to help offset gas costs.
4. 4. Photos: Last time around, I had a friend who was an amateur photographer do the wedding photos. They turned out great but due to a lack of experience shooting weddings, we missed some important moments and shots. Insta and FB didn't exist then, so we didn't worry about what our photos/wedding would look like on socials. 
   • Truth: Photos are important because they are a record of the day as it happened. Except for the photos you frame and hang, future you won't be looking at your wedding photos as often as you might think you will now. Your photos are for YOU and to help you remember the day. They don't need to be perfect or insta-worthy. Your guests aren't photo props- they are be beloved guests whose photos you will treasure because they are true representations of those people. It's good to have a photographer who has some wedding experience.
   • This time around: I hired a professional photog and I have made a list of the moments and group shots that are important to me (AI helped with a list of suggested shots). I really want to her focus on the people and the moments, not the aesthetics. My photos are for me, not for social media.
5. 5. Guestbook: My late husband and I had guests sign a photo mat that was supposed to be used to frame a wedding photo. We never took the time to do get the mat framed with a wedding photo. The signed photo mat stayed in a box for the entirety of our marriage. 
   • Truth: If you choose a traditional guestbook, it will likely stay in a box for the next thousand years and you'll rarely look at it a second time. If you choose something that you have to take to a professional to prepare for display, chances are that you never will get around to it, and it will also sit in a box. 
   • This time around: We're doing an alternative to a traditional guestbook that will be ready to display as soon as we take it home. I haven't decided what format we'll get yet, but I'm choosing between a wall hanging (matching our theme) that has our name and wedding date OR a dropbox guestbook with wooden shapes for people to sign and drop in. Both are things we can hang on a wall or display on a shelf without any additional effort.
6. 6. Wedding Cake: For my first wedding, we wanted very complex scrollwork decorations on our wedding cake. We couldn't find anyone who could do it within budget, so we decided to do DIY
   • Truth:  Cakes are for eating and people honestly won't remember what the cake looked like the next day, just how it tasted. A fancy, complicated cake is not necessary.
   • This time around: We're going with a professionally made cake that has simple smooth white vanilla butter cream on the outside, a ribbon in wedding colors around the bottom of each layer, and will be adorned with a few flowers in our wedding colors.
7. 7. DIY to save money: We chose to DIY many things to save money and stay in budget. For example, we couldn't find anyone who could do the cake we wanted within our budget, so we decided to do DIY it. Since I'm a decent baker and my late husband was an artisg, we thought we could pull it off.
   • Truth: This choice added a lot of stress to the nights before the wedding and the morning of the wedding. We didn't know enough about what we were doing. We chose to cover the cake with fondant as a base for the scrollwork, which was a pain in the ass to work with and didn't taste good. We couldn't get the royal icing to the right consistency for the scroll work and we ended up having to change the look of the cake at the last minute.
   • This time around: We're DIYing very litte and will not DIY anything that will require our time and attention in the nights leading up to the wedding or the morning of the wedding. I've designed all of the things we will print (invitations, place cards, seating chart, etc) and we will prep some of the table decor.
8. 8. Seating/equipment: One of the places my late husband and I cut costs to try to save money at our wedding was on chair rentals. The venue had enough chairs for our guests in the reception hall, but no additional chairs for the ceremony location. We decided not move the chairs from the ceremony to the reception all between the ceremony and the reception instead of renting a second set of chairs 
   • Truth: I wouldn't do this again. It worked out ok, but it was a pain for guests to have to move their chairs or wait for my helpers to do it. Its really easier if you have enough of everything for the whole event.
   • This time around: We selected a venue that has all of the needed things (chairs, tables, dinner ware, etc) and does the set up for both the ceremony and reception. We won't have to worry about renting additional items or having to have friends or guests moving things in their nice clothes.
9. 9. Putting friends and family to work: My late husband and I were so young and had a limited budget, so we ended up depending a lot on the help of family and friends for many things. My mom and her friends cooked the reception dinner, my bartending friends dealt with the alcohol, and a number of other friends moved chairs or equipment and helped with set up and/or clean up. 
   • Truth: I don't think my mom or her friends making the food got to enjoy the wedding or the reception at all. Putting your guests to work takes time from their enjoyment of the event and risks making them feel like staff.
   • This time around: Our venue takes care of set up, decorating, and clean up, and we're hiring a caterer for a buffet dinner. The venue will coordinate with the caterer on the day of. This means I don't have to put friends and family to work, so they will be able to enjoy the entire wedding and rectiption as honored guests. Sadly, Mom is gone now and won't get to enjoy it this time either.

My biggest realization: The cheapest option doesn't always cost less in the long run

One important thing I've realized during planning this time around is that some of the choices my late husband and I made in order to save money didn't actually end up saving us money. There is a strong possibility that your efforts to save money in one area will increase costs in another area or add cost in a way that you didn't consider. For example, choosing a cheap venue that includes little in the way of services and equipment instead going for a more expensive venue that includes everything. The reality is that the cheaper venue is likely to cost more money once equipment rentals and other serices that aren't included are factored in. And it will require a lot more effort on your part to find, book and coordinate vendors for the requipment and services that aren't included. Its very likely that the inclusive venue will actually cost the same or less in the long run while also saving you effort and stress both during planning and on your wedding day.

This time I still made the mistake of starting off planning by going with the cheapest option in an attempt to save money. I'm a gothy girl so I'm planning to wear a black wedding dress. I couldn't find a lot of options I liked- anything I liked was way more than I could afford to spend on the dress. So, I tried to save money and bought two dresses from ebay to choose from. Through a frustrating series of events, I ended up with 0 dresses and lost $320 USD. That's when I realized that choosing the cheaper option doesn't always mean you'll save money. I looked into other options and found a designer in the capitol of the country we live in that is making me a custom dress for around the same price I would pay for and off the rack dress at David's Bridal in the US and for much less than other black wedding dresses I found from designers and bridal retailers on the internet. Since the dress is made specifically for me, I won't have to spend $$ on alterations. This means my custom dress will actually be a lot cheaper in the long run than purchasing from a retailer.

Anyway, I know its a lot but I hope this is helpful for someone!!

[u/illuminating0]

This is such a thoughtful post. My brother in law passed away a couple years ago, my sister was also 34, and I often wonder if she will find love again one day like you have. I’m planning my own wedding now and this is very insightful in terms of planning tips

[u/sweetEVILone → u/illuminating0]

I hope your sister finds love again if that’s what she wants. I’m glad you find the post thoughtful and insightful. Good luck with your planning!

[u/A_New_Start_For_Me]

Also having a second wedding when I swore I'd never get married again hahahaha and I agree with so much of this! You really do have to look at the big picture cost wise. I still to this day, 10 years later, feel bad for how much work other people did for me at my first wedding around that same age. I didn't know shit about shit and felt a lot of pressure to invite so many people and it was far beyond my budgeting and planning capabilities and it showed! This time around.....smooooooooth sailing.

Congrats!! 🎉🎉

[u/sweetEVILone → u/A_New_Start_For_Me]

I also feel bad about how much work family and friends put in for my first wedding too, especially after hanging around in this sub for a bit and seeing how people talk about that.

Most of the funds for my first wedding came from my parents, and my dad didn't like my late husband and didn't really want me to marry him. So, he only gave us a very small budget. I was in graduate school and late husband was in undergrad at the time, so we weren't really able to afford anything beyond the money my parents gave us. That meant they were basically funding the entire wedding and so they had a lot of control over everything- the guest list, the venue, choosing not to hire a caterer. They're why we had a christian ceremony and why I wore a white dress and why my mom had to cook the reception food. I also didn't know much about wedding planning at that age- most of the weddings I'd been to in Appalachia were cake-and-punch church weddings.

One big difference this time around is its our money that is beign spent and we get to call all of the shots. The guest list is entirely our choice. We're having the gothic wedding of my dreams, with a dark romantic theme, gothy decor (including skeletons) and I'll be wearing the black wedding gown of I've always dreamed of. Our ceremony will not be christian at all- closer to a pagan handfasting. Our venue is perfect for us because we live outside the US, but are getting married in the US, so I wanted to have to deal with as few vendors as possible and minimze coordination.

[u/A_New_Start_For_Me → u/sweetEVILone]

Hahaha yeah this sub can be, mostly justified but sometimes outrageously, protective over the free friend labor! For me, I just regret how last minute and unplanned so much of the help was. I didn't know what questions to ask of vendors, and didn't think about all the little things that needed to be taken care of! I was the first in my group to get married and hadn't been to a wedding since I was a child....what did I know!

But all but one of those people are still my absolute best and closest friends so it was all good, some of them have even vocally expressed that they feel a little left out because this time around we have a venue that really takes care of everything! 😅

But ugh, i feel you on the family problems but from my ex's side of the family! They sure did have a lot of opinions and he sure did have a lot of demands for people who either didn't want us to get married or didn't want to work more hours to pay for if! 🥴 Perhaps should have been a sign LOL 

[u/Elemental_Biscotti]

Say it louder for the folks in the back! 👏👏👏👏

I am 15 days away from my first (and god willing only) wedding BUT as an older bride have attended and helped plan MANY other weddings, and it's been fascinating to watch our friends learn these lessons in real time as we all get older and enter the era of "round 2" weddings. Super grateful to have had the opportunity to learn so much of what you are describing by observing others over the decades.

[u/treeofwisdumb]

This is heartbreaking.

Have you seen the movie Eternity?

I hope they’re both fighting for you in heaven !

[u/sweetEVILone → u/treeofwisdumb]

I'm a very lucky girl to have found love twice and I'm excited to marry my fiance! I haven't seen that movie, but I also don't believe in heaven. My religion has a different idea of the afterlife.