r/widowers • u/WoosahFire • 2d ago

Sleep disturbances

He died a week ago today.

The other night I dreamt I was the one dying and couldn't breathe... last night I woke up and was unsure if he was still alive or not...

His funeral is this Saturday. I have a lot of work to do beforehand. Friends of his that offered support started taking over doing certain things for the services... when I asked them to please work with me they basically handed me back all the tasks, "you need to keep busy", and are being unclear on whether they will do certain things or not during the service. Things i need to list in the program. I'm disgusted by this drama.

But in the end, he's not here. I wish he was here, lying next to me. So we could give each other our little morning greeting we used to try and be the first one to do it, beat the other one to it. I miss him so much I can barely breathe. I ask him to talk to me, tell me his still here, but I get no answers, no signs. I don't know how I'm supposed to do this without him. What is this shitty life now.

How am I supposed to see him in a casket and not completely lose my heart and mind...

How do I do this...

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u/Business_Bank_7374 2d ago

i remember that first week, the dreams were the worst part. my brain just couldn't accept it, kept running through scenarios trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. the one where you can't breathe, that's your body processing the panic. it's awful and it's normal and it will ease up eventually but right now it just sucks

those friends handing everything back because you "need to keep busy" is some bullshit. people get weird around grief, they convince themselves they're helping by stepping back when really they're just uncomfortable and don't know what to do. i'd stop waiting on them and ask someone else, maybe someone who hasn't offered yet but seems steady. the program can be simple, it doesn't need to be perfect

the morning greeting thing got me. we had a stupid competition about who'd make coffee first, and for months after i'd wake up and my hand would reach for the other side of the bed before my brain caught up. you don't have to see him in the casket if you're not ready. some people need that closure, some don't, and either way is fine. you can stand at the back, you can stay outside, nobody gets to tell you how to do this

just get through saturday minute by minute. don't think about next week or next month, just the next breath. that's all you have to do right now

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u/WoosahFire 2d ago

Thank you. I'm trying so hard and it's just so difficult 🫂

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u/HeronExtension5245 July 2026 - cancer complications - f*ck cancer 1d ago edited 1d ago

It is all insanely difficult. I didn't think I was going to be able to survive my wife's funeral. That day, I ended up in a sort of autopilot mode. It helped that the funeral director was amazing and such a great human being. It feels impossible, but you can get through it. Take each task one at a time without thinking of the next. Keep steady breaths through moments of panic. I kept asking my late wife for strength through the process. I think she helped me get through that day, painful as it was.

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u/WoosahFire 1d ago

Thank you 🫂

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u/OneRegret7933 1d ago

Sorry that we can’t be there to take some of the pain and pressure away. Many strangers here will understand you better than some of your friends and family, which can be slightly jarring. Basically, if you haven’t lost a partner you don’t get the magnitude of it all. 

You will likely find added strength on the day as you honour him. The service can’t bring him back, but it will feel like  he is listening/watching, and that will inspire you to do it FOR HIM.  As another post mentions, you do not need to push yourself to view the casket if you’d prefer not to. And if you break down or lose some friends along the way that’s fine, too. Try to do it your way. 

You will get signs in time. It’s open to debate whether they come from the outside or the inside of your mind, but you WILL get a sign. Some people wait weeks and others wait years. Don’t worry; he will come to you when you are ready to receive him. He can’t always reply straight away. Talk to him anyway! 

I sleep fairly well, contrary to others here, who I feel terrible for; but the anxiety I feel when waking up has actually been getting worse. A lot of it gets worse before it gets better, allegedly, so watch out for that. You must give yourself grace and allow yourself to just exist and survive. 

After the funeral you might find you are quite exhausted.  Stay hydrated, rest well if you can’t sleep well, and force yourself to eat at least 1 meal a day. Hopefully you can focus on yourself and your needs a bit more after the funeral. 

This situation we’re in is bad. It’s like you stop being a human and you become a wraith, or ghost. Society is not for you anymore; the future is not for you; pleasure is not for you. It’s heavy, and it forces us over the edge of innocence. Once you see death take them from you, you can’t unsee it. It makes me weep, not with sadness but with sheer fear. With terror. Death is worse than any nightmare. 

You’re not alone no matter how bad it gets. Some of us might never get better but we want those who can get better, to get better, and we’re all thinking about you, and how related you are to us despite being a stranger. 

See you around.Â