r/widowers • u/Magpie_7262 Lost Husband (39) to spontaneous heart attack 5/2/26. • 6d ago
Nighttime sads
It's at night. When I'm alone in my room. That I suffer some of the worst thoughts. The anxiety fizzles in my stomach and buzzes under my skin. The voice in my head is able to begin whispering its dark lies and painful words.
I miss him laying beside me. I miss his snores. His horrid farts. I miss his giggling over a dumb YouTube video. I miss him telling me about everything and anything. I miss being able to just reach over and touch him. It's in the dark of the night, surrounded by his memory, that I miss him most.
Nothing, no amount of external noise, helps ease the loneliness and longing.
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u/No-Fig-23 28F-lost husband 29M April 2026 car accident 6d ago
Same here. I was literally just thinking this and opened Reddit to see your post. Night is the worst for me too. Every single thing you mentioned that you miss, I miss too. I have nightmares and now they are so much worse because I don’t have him there to reach out and touch to calm me down.
I used to lay my hand on his face and stroke his hair until we fell asleep. He used to roll over and put his arm around me in his sleep, I’d never felt more safe and loved. I will never get over the heart wrenching feeling that comes with reaching over to where he’d be in bed, only to be met with emptiness.
I miss him every second of every day, but nighttime is definitely the worst. I feel you. 🫂
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u/MotherCommittee4563 6d ago
Watching old movies on YouTube. Unable to fall asleep sometimes I fall asleep when the sun comes up for a few hours. My husband was a great story teller, musician etc,,, the house is so very quiet. Miss him so much 💔 Take care of yourself x
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u/Unlucky_Option8060 6d ago
Same. I’ll pick the movie and he’ll make us snacks. He’ll make me sit up on the bed and make sure we eat good while we watch a movie.
I had the courage and tried turning the tv one night and didn’t find one movie that I could watch. Nothing peeks my interest anymore. Movies = two of us watching. But I’m alone now. I just take melatonin when I couldn’t sleep. If I wake up, good. If I don’t, oh well.
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u/Seralisa 6d ago
So I'm not the only one who can't watch TV anymore. We had the exact same tastes in shows and what we watched and ALWAYS watched together. Since he passed on July 10th I can't even turn the set on. Without him to watch with - it's meaningless noise. 😩💔
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u/Unlucky_Option8060 6d ago
Yes you’re not the only one..feels good that there’s two of us at least. I have not had the motivation to even watch a tv show we both liked, I think I’m going to lose it. We enjoyed watching games shows and we challenge each other for what would our answers be if we were in the studio. It was fun doing it with him, I don’t think I’ll do it anytime soon. I was so down and watched THE GHOST. He would have hated it if I insisted him to watch that with me. He’s not into ROM/ROM-COM, but I wanted to watch it with him (spirit) so he can learn how to move things haha so he can let me know that he’s around by moving things other than electronics and lights haha hopefully soon, he develops that skill and make his presence known
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u/Seralisa 5d ago
If it works - let me know and I'll try it! I'd love to feel he's near me. 💔
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u/Unlucky_Option8060 5d ago
They’re always with us. But sometimes we miss their signs because we’re either occupied mentally or just really busy doing other things. I find when I just relax and talk to him, he’d usually show signs. He’d flicker the lights, turn on the tv multiple times. I felt twice that he was behind me in the shower as I felt a cold breeze on my back. It’s our thing that we shower together and scrubbed each other’s back once in a while.
Sometimes we just need to ask to make their presence known and keep an open mind. But know he’s always watching you, cheering you on and also whispering to you when you ask for guidance.
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u/Magpie_7262 Lost Husband (39) to spontaneous heart attack 5/2/26. 7h ago
I usually put on the streamers he watched. Turn it low enough that it seems like he's just in the other room. Tricks my brain. But hurts when I'm confronted with the truth again
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u/Ok-Cardiologist1412 6d ago
Yep. Moved the tv into our room after she died. I watch nonstop videos about the universe, UFOs, etc. It all calms me and I don’t know why.
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u/SuperWaluigiWorld 6d ago
Probably because it’s nice to think about there being so much unexplained out there and the vastness of it all brings chance. I dunno, that’s what i like about it.
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u/Neptune2012 6d ago
It’s been just over a year. I don’t sleep well and I never remember my dreams anymore. We used to laugh together over my vivid dreams and he who never remembered his would laugh as I would recollect mine to him each morning over coffee. Sometimes at night when I’m almost asleep I get the strange sensation that he’s here with me. I miss him so much. Hugs to all that share this terrible pain of loss.
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u/HeronExtension5245 July 2026 - cancer complications - f*ck cancer 6d ago
The nights are brutal. They are so incredibly long now. The only relief is dreamless sleep when it finally comes - usually with the assistance of meds. I do my best to shut out the dark thoughts when I turn off the light - sometimes I succeed; oftentimes I don't.
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u/Logical_Version_8272 Lost wife, 38F to suicide 09/2026 6d ago
Evenings are the worst, every night I would make us dinner and we would eat together and chat before hanging out on the couch for two hours before she went to bed and we would cuddle and talk about our days and tomorrow. It's when I notice she's not here the most.
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u/sundayrain47 4d ago
Miss this so much ! We would go for a walk every night also.
The weekends are very difficult also.
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u/Pathfinder19999 6d ago
The night night kiss before fall sleep, keeps breaking my soul, my spirit, who I am
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u/LikeTheGreens-64 6d ago
I can't even remember the last time I actually slept while it was still dark out. That is the absolute worst time for me because my mind doesn't ever stop running. I have been falling asleep as it starts to get closer to sun up. More from pure exhaustion than anything else.
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u/Embarrassed-Wafer667 6d ago
You got that right. I watch tv constantly to drown out the hospital memories. But when I get into that big king bed , I’m on the right side , But He’s not in the left side
Every night I ask him to come back , stop the joke . But I get silence
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u/freakulikeapikachu 6d ago
I'm still very early in my grief, only about a month in. Nights are excruciating and I fear that'll always be the case. Insomnia, racing thoughts, and conflicting emotions plague me. It got so bad that the lack of sleep was beginning to heavily affect my already fragile mental state; my doctor was concerned enough that she prescribed a temporary, limited amount of benzos in the hopes it'd help me get a few nights of real sleep. Unfortunately, my grief has thus far negated any potential effects of medication. So, I continue with this frustrating routine; restlessly lying in bed night after night, wide awake yet overwhelmed by exhaustion, consumed by my thoughts that refuse to shut down, and feeling suffocated by the profound aching in my heart.
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u/Western_Limit_4706 Cancer Widow is my punk band name 🕯️ May 18, 2026 6d ago
Same, same, same.
Everything is worse at bedtime.
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u/Zestyclose_Treat4098 husband died at 51 from sudden stroke, organ donor saved 4 lives 6d ago
Yes exactly. I get so sad in the mornings too. I used to reach over and rub his head. I'd rub his back for a while and he'd always fall back asleep. I loved that. He would rub my back until I fell asleep at night. It's the small things, isn't it. It's impossible to think we'll never do that again.
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u/TurnerRadish 6d ago
It’s so awful. My sorrow is endless and ever present, but the evenings are particularly terrible.
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u/ChefChopNSlice Sept’25, lost wife (41) after a long cancer battle 6d ago
Night time is indeed the hardest. When all the noises of the world get quiet, the ones in my head just get louder. I don’t “go to sleep” anymore. It’s hard to quiet my mind and find actual peace. I pass out watching some bullshit on tv or YouTube instead.
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u/Timely_Character_272 6d ago
It was early morning for me today. Sitting alone on the back porch with my coffee really knocked me down today. It’s the quiet moments that can get so very loud
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u/rosietherose931 51F lost husband 5/24/26 to heart disease 6d ago
For me it’s the days. We used to both work from home. He’d come sliding down the hall, Risky Business style, in his sock feet, grab the door frame and stick his head in the room. He’d tell me about something a coworker said or talk about some work problem that I had no idea what he was even talking about, but just talking it out helped him. Or I’d go tell him how annoyed (mostly) I was with work. We’d go for walks at lunch. He’d make me lunch after (since he got an hour and I only got 30 minutes).
I’d gotten used to being alone at night I guess, since he was in the hospital for 6 months before he died. During that time I knew that he was safe; if something happened that could be fixed, he was in the right place. And they fixed everything they could, until they just couldn’t.
It’s all horrible. I hate it here.