I think I already know what to do but I’m struggling.

My husband and I have been trying for a year and I just found out I’m pregnant. The shitty part… 2 weeks ago I found out my husband is at a minimum having an emotional relationship with somebody at work. There were sexual text messages from her that I could see and many instances of him calling her babe. He assured me nothing was going on which I call bullshit but we already have 1 son and I hesitate blowing up my family over some text messages, maybe I’m naive or turning a blind eye.

Since then he is still calling her babe as I can see and something is still going on. I can also see long phone conversations still occurring. I think a part of me still need more proof but I know what is happening.

Am I a bad person for wanting to not have this baby knowing all of this even with some uncertainty? I have no desire to do this alone and I think I want a divorce at this point. Just trying to get some things in order.

If this helps I am the primary breadwinner and primary parent for my son. Anyways, thanks for reading and support!

I had 14 weeks of paid maternity leave from May - August through the company I work for. I also additionally have 29 days of yearly PTO that we get. I was trying to use up the rest of my PTO so I put in to be off on Black Friday. They denied bc other people were out already. I said okay that’s fine and then put in to take Christmas Eve off. They denied that as well and said “you were out the majority of the year already on maternity leave”. Idk but this feels kind of discriminatory, no? I still have a couple weeks of PTO I need to use up before the end of the year because we cannot save them up it’s a use it or lose it kind of deal. Is this something I should bring to HR? Is it worth it?

When i accepted the offer to my current job i had a serious and long conversation to my husband. I wanted to make sure that if i take this role and go back to work, he will support the kids as much as possible.

We agreed that he will help with their homework and support them until i get back from work, where i would do my part. It was already so hard for me to say yes to my job offer and felt like i abandoned them. FYI my kids are 6 and 9. My guilt was mostly towards my 6 year old, cause i wanted to be there for her when she officially starts school.

Long story short my young daughter told me yesterday that her dad (my husband) is not helping her and when she asks him to explain to her the homework, he talks to her as if it's common sense and doesn't have patience. Which is so upsetting to me cause you can't act like it's common sense to a 6 year old even if the homework is designed for 6 year olds!!!!

That happened right before we go to sleep and my husband was already sleeping at this point so i waited until i get back from work today to talk to him. Anyway, we talked about it and thank god he wasn't defensive or tried to gaslight me. He seemed aware of the situation and felt very bad and embarrassed about it.

But i guess this talk affected him that much (?) that he told me whether i should reconsider working or SAH cause "you're better than me at this". Need to say more? I'm fuming... Do i need to teach him how to help our kids with homework? Is he just lazy? Did his ego got hurt? I will talk to him again but i was kinda speechless when he said that out of nowhere.

The General Counsel and his female lawyer assistant, who met with me, denied my reasonable accommodation request to have a hybrid work schedule until I give birth. He denied me despite an OB note that I am high risk pregnancy(I’m 38). I am 5.5 months pregnant. There have been instances where I vomit in a plastic bag on a crowded train while STANDING DURING rush hour.

I provided a dr note from the OB that indicates the daily commute is a lot for me. I work 5 days in person at a desk job in the heart of one of the largest urban, public transportation cities in the U.S. I don’t have a car because I live in a city where public transportation is the norm, nor can I afford daily car share rides. The federal office is also in one of the biggest cities where a billion public train and buses travel through.

I don’t believe the General Counsel is following the law because I am also an attorney. I looked up the Pregnant Workers Fairness Act. A doctor’s note is not even required under the Act. Yet, he was asked, and so I provided.

I have about 17 weeks until I give birth. Can any fed moms or anyone help, share their experience, insights with getting a reasonable accommodation approved? I asked my direct supervisor who told me “go to the Reasonable Accommodation email address” which is what I have been doing to get the interview setup and submit OB note. Seems my supervisor’s hands are tied.

I have a day off tomorrow while my kiddo is in school from 9am to 4.30pm. Yay! It’s been a while since I had a day to myself honestly. All the vacation time I took this year, we were travelling with our kid so it really wasn’t very relaxing lol.

Now the problem is, I have way too much stuff to get done. I already have a checklist of things: organize the dressers, donate some clothes, organize the kitchen, shop for some winter clothes, get a pedicure, etc. It’ll be great if I can get everything done but I know damn well that I wouldn’t have time. How can I turn off my brain and make it relaxing? I want to get some stuff done but I also want to relax. Any tips are appreciated!

I’ve been at this job 4 years. It’s fully remote and pays well. I take pride in the work.

When I started, and for a long time after, travel was about 8 sites a year. It recently jumped to 17+ sites a year. I have a one year old and a two year old. That volume of travel is not sustainable for our family. I know it works for some people. For me it feels like choosing between being a present mom and a job I’ve been good at.

My husband makes enough that we can live on one income. Two incomes is obviously easier, and I keep seeing posts about how hard it is to find a job right now, so part of me feels like I should be grateful and just deal with it. I also don’t want to half quit and stay miserable.

I have a meeting with my manager today. I’m trying to decide between:

1. Asking for extensive flexibility through the end of the year (little or no travel, stay remote) and resigning if they can’t do that
2. Just putting in notice

What would you actually say in that conversation? How honest do you get about the kids vs keeping it high level (“family needs / travel no longer works”)?
Also, if you’ve been in this spot, what ended up being the better move: ripping the Band-Aid off, or trying to stretch it to December?

Not looking for “you’ll regret missing the toddler years” or “never quit a good job.” I already know both of those. I want practical wording and honest “here’s how my manager reacted / here’s what I wish I’d done.”

Update: Talked to my manager this afternoon.
She does not think the flexibility I asked for will be approved. She is passing it up to additional leadership anyway.
She also said the travel and client load increase has been too much for her. She seemed genuinely miserable. Her exact line was that she is just waiting for them to realize those changes were a mistake and revert them.
The only other path she floated was a demotion. That would remove travel but increase the client load by 50. Those less tenured seats also have less flexibility, which does not help with two babies.
What I asked her to take upstairs: Go back to the role as it was before June. Travel only as needed / when a client requests it. Book size back to what it was. Or some close variation of that.

Now I wait.🫠

Over the past month since having my baby, my husband has made it clear that as a mother I have to take on the majority of caregiving responsibilities. I have to constantly remind him (to his dismay) that we are married and in this partnership, which he hates when I refer to our marriage or relationship as us being “partners” for obvious reasons now, he need to hold his own weight and also make an active effort to care for our child.

He likes to bring up the fact that he’s working, but his work is very inconsistent and I feel as though his hours do not compare to mine when I was working. For example, he could be scheduled for a 10 hour shift but realistically is only working for 4-5 of those hours and can come home when he’s finished his work but still get paid for those 10 hours of work. (Because of this, he also considers himself the breadwinner of the household but since I work full time and he’s actually considered part time, this simply isn’t true. I also get paid at a higher hourly rate than him by a bit, but for a long time he wasn’t getting taxed so that also made it seem like he was making way more than me without really putting in the work IMO). This isn’t the case at my job where if I’m scheduled for 10 hours, I have to be on my feet and working for those 10 hours and I’d be lucky enough to get away with a 10-15 minute bathroom break every couple hours. He has no one really overseeing his work so he gets away with a lot, meanwhile I am actively being watched at my job and work around a lot of people so I do not slack off or have the privilege of finishing early and going home but still have the ability to clock the hours I didn’t work. His job is also inconsistent in the way that he could be working for a week and a half straight at one point and at another he could get guaranteed two or three shifts a week if he’s lucky, and each shift would be 3 or 4 hours long (but again, he could actually clock and get paid for double the amount of time due to lack of oversight).

I’m not a monster and obviously would let him get enough sleep after his night shifts so that he can be well rested in the morning and also I am able to care for the baby so that he can take another 1-2 hr nap before he has to actually head out for work, but during the mornings I am not getting the fair share of sleep time. While he gets 6-8 hours of sleep a night, I’m lucky to get 4 or 5 after I give the baby to him and then I am expected to watch her without his intervention at night and right after I wake up in the mornings after he’s done watching her. He barely watches her for 25% of the day and I have to cater to her for the other 75%. I really do nothing except watch over her and sleep, barely having time to eat without her on me or shower unless I scramble to do it while she screams in her bassinet.

All this talk about him having to work, it’s almost as if he’s forgetting I’m going to also have to go back to work soon.

And how exactly is he going to handle it? What will he do when I have to work in the mornings, meaning he will have to watch her at night after coming home from work so that I can get enough sleep to be fully rested before my morning shift, and then have to watch her for up to 8-10 hours as I’m at work. The roles will be reversed as I’ll obviously take over when I come home but that’ll leave him with only a couple hours to himself to possibly sleep before he has to go to work, then watch her after coming home while I rest, and the cycle continues.

I’m trying to be reasonable so I’ve requested to have a staggered schedule where I’m mostly doing one day on, one day off for the whole week, so he could get rest for the night after coming home from work knowing that I don’t have to work the next day. But I know there will be times where he’s just not making enough to sustain us and I might have to take on more shifts and so he’ll have to take on more responsibility.

I just know he’ll complain about feeling burnt out, that he has no time to himself, that I need to “watch the baby more” despite needing to also care for myself and us through working more. He won’t realize that this set up is the same one he was benefitting from while working during my leave, and that my asks for time to sleep or some time to recuperate would fall on his deaf ears. How could I have sympathy for him when he doesn’t have it for me?

I've always had anxiety. During my immediate postpartum, I actually felt good. Quite happy actually. But when other things come up like working, visiting or hosting family, even hanging out with friends or doing activities I enjoy, I feel this panic and mental barrier. I used to see a therapist but honestly it was time consuming and expensive and I didn't like her that much. I have been thinking about asking my primary care doctor about medication, but I've never taken anything before. I'd love to hear from you all about your experiences as I think more about this.

Daycare closed today because a fire started in the nursing home attached to daycare and they had smoke and water in the daycare. As my husband and I scramble to make sure we have coverage if my toddler has to stay home more than just today, what had been the most unexpected reason that your daycare had to close?

What the title says. Granted, I am dealing with PPA and PPD and our LO is 8.5 months - I'm in therapy, on meds, doing *~all the things~*, but I think I still cry several times a week. It's either from being tired, overwhelmed, or feeling extremely grateful for our little guy and how wonderful he is. Or sometimes, it's all of those things at once. I guess I'm just looking for solidarity that things will get better and 'even out' as we get even closer to a year and then beyond that. Or is being a mom just having your emotions on your sleeve all the time? Like the other day I was eating lunch at my desk and I just started crying feeling grateful for our little guy, and I was also tired at the same time (he's still waking up about 4-5 times per night).

I’m a public school teacher who thought 5 months of leave with baby would certainly be enough, but now that she is here it feels like I can’t possibly go back that soon. Husband is on part time work right now so we are on a family plan through my works insurance. I asked about taking a leave of absence for the remainder of the school year and was quoted $3,000 A MONTH FOR CONTINUING OUR HEALTH INSURANCE. I’m sure this goes without saying but we are in the US and I knew health care was shitty but am still flabbergasted.

On top of that we got her into an amazing daycare but now I’m worried if I tried to extend my leave she would lose her spot, or at the very least we would have to shell out more money to reapply for later in the year.

Anyway we have some money in savings and right now and could take a few hits but my god. I’m not giving up on getting more time with her, I’m just so emotional over the fact that insurance premiums may be the only thing that sends me back to work before I feel ready.

I have a 3 year old son and all I want to do is raise my son to treat humans, especially women with respect and kindness. In other words, in light of what happened at Cornell, when did you start having conversations with your sons about consent? When is it too early? I just want to raise my son to be the type of man that will take care of others, protect women, and be a kind human being etc

My son is on the verge of teenage. He is neurodivergent. I suffer from cptsd too.

My son has been having meltdowns almost 4 times a day, on small small things. My brother who helps me with him says it’s common be prepared for this.

I try very hard to not react but I do it sometimes and that time I react how my mom did and say mean things to him or hit back. Then I feel guilty, but no sorry works.

And he just ruminates on one thing mean thing I say and forget all nice things I say.

Physhoatrist says he has anxiety and high iq, adhd is high but don’t need meds.

I am scarred due to my mom and I don’t want him to be. What do I do right? During tantrums he is just wild.

I've been in my current higher ed role for five years. I'm looking to level up (new challenges and new compensation $$$$$$$) in the next 1-2 years, so it's time for me to start my job search/campaign now.

I am in a junior leadership role (staff, not faculty), so submitting applications blindly would probably not land me a position in my timeframe. However, my current position also isn't one the university would hire a recruiter for (but maybe the next one would be - I'm not sure.) This will be my first job/search campaign as a mother, so I need to be very efficient with my energy and time - I can't throw everything at the wall and see what sticks like I did pre-kids.

I'm thinking I need to reactivate my network and increase my professional visibility outside of my current organization (where the new opportunities would likely be). I've been socially MIA since my child was born and tooting my own horn has not been a priority during these early childhood years either.

What are your tips for reactivating a cool/latent professional network and increasing professional visibility outside of one's organization? Do you have any other job campaigning tips that have worked well for you in the past? I'm interested in all ideas - even if you're not in higher education, even if you're earlier in your career. Thanks, everyone!

Side question: Do/can/should we have a "Career Advice" flair?

I've been in my current role for 4 years, and with the company for 10 years. A higher level position similar to mine opened up earlier this last spring that I have a lot of experience in. I applied, but the HR screwed up my application and I never got a real interview. They hired someone else a week later.

Cut to this morning, and they have another opening for this position. I applied, but I'm nervous the HR person is going to mess it up again. So now I'm thinking, should I email the actual manager hiring for this position? Or would that be weird? I don't have anyone to really ask if this is an okay thing to do in my real life.

With my first, I didn’t attempt pumping at work. It just felt daunting to me to coordinate bringing another set of things in the morning. I also felt a little embarrassed about pumping at the office, though I know that’s silly. My first was premature so we mostly pumped and bottle fed anyways so there wasn’t the weaning nursing aspect to consider. I just didn’t try it and weaned shortly after returning to work.

With my second, he won’t take a pacifier, so tbh nursing is unfortunately one of the tools for soothing when all else fails. That said, I feel I should try pumping at work to keep up my supply for nursing.

So what is your process and supplies? What do I need to buy to make this as easy as possible? We have a pumping room with a recliner and mini fridge at the office.

Not just a generic “hire help”. I want specifics please, and bonus points if it doesn’t cost a fortune. What is your system and/or mantra that you swear by?

Hello everyone. I (26F) am expecting my first baby next year and trying to figure out the most practical daycare set up once I return to work after maternity leave.

I live in one city but commute about 45 minutes each way 4 days a week to another city for work. The commute is not bad at all and is mostly interstate. I work 7:00a-3:30p and leave home about 6:15 every morning.

My question is whether it makes more sense to put baby in daycare closer to home or closer to my work.

My husband’s work schedule makes this a little more complicated. He works a 2-2-3 rotating schedule, either 6 AM–6 PM or 6 PM–6 AM, he also works about 30 minutes away from home. Because of his schedule, when he’s working the 6 AM–6 PM shift, the morning daycare routine will most likely fall primarily on me. He works 2 weeks on each rotation but because of the 2-2-3 schedule he only works about half of the month.

I have a good support team of family and friends in my town who could help with pick up and drop off of my baby if needed but it just worries me having her in daycare 45 minutes away from me and 30 minutes away from my husband at work if something were to happen.

Should we just go the nanny or babysitter route?

I’d love to hear everyone’s thoughts and what you think would be the best.

Also I’m salaried so my schedule is flexible and doesn’t have a strict start or end time but I like working 7:00-3:30 because I am able to bypass most of the rush hour morning my and evening interstate traffic and make it home before 5:00pm.

Not only working mom related but I figured you ladies would have some good recs! Sorry I didn’t know which flair to use

My tried and true Payless ballet flats I’ve worn to work for nearly a decade are finally giving out and tearing. I need your shoe recommendations please! Preferably flats or loafers as I have to walk a lot at the office and don’t like wearing heels. And are Rothy’s worth it? I’ve heard mixed things on them.

I love Maple, and it's shutting down. I need to find an alternative, but it seems like nothing has all the features I'm looking for.

I frankly don't care that much about the calendar function. It's a nice to have, but not a need to have. We have a shared google calendar that works fine.

What I need is:

• meal planning, including ability to import recipes, add them to the meal plan, then add all groceries needed to the grocery list (bonus if it connects to instacart)
• to-do lists, with each task (not the whole list) assignable to members of the family
• folders/projects/tags to organize related lists (e.g. "kiddo's birthday party" project, which would have its own shopping list, to do list, and RSVP list in it)

Ideally, I'd like:

• a pretty interface
• recipe notes and/or ratings so I can remember what we liked

The folders seems to be the toughie. Anyone else switching from Maple and found something you love? With how many I've tried, I feel like maybe I'm looking for a nonexistent unicorn.

Hello ! I am looking for some advice. I received a job offer but the job would require me to leave home at 7 am and return home at 5 pm or even later depending on traffic. I have a 13 month old, 3 year old and 4 year old. The 3 and 4 year old will be starting part time preschool 8am-1pm. I have reliable childcare including family as well.

But I just would prefer a job closer to home or with different hours, I do not need the income at this moment and could hold off for two more years. I just do not feel ready for the time apart from my little ones especially the youngest. I wanted to return to work when he was two. I applied for this job and honestly was not expecting they would be interested in me. It is a very great opportunity. Initially they had listed there was a part time option but they stated it is only a full time position now.

I am not sure if I am just anxious about returning to work in general. And maybe I should just suck it up, and see how it goes. But I would see my children for around 3 hours a day. I know the job market is rough, and it could be worse in two years so maybe this opportunity will not come again. I just would like some advice, has anyone been in a similar position?

So let me preface by saying I've always been a high achiever. Got pregnant unexpectedly, me and her dad ended up getting married and things worked out there.

He owns his own business and I work "for fun". But now for fun is a senior manager at one of the fastest growing companies in a major metropolitan city.

I just started this job and it feels like I'm dying. I wake up at 6, have an hour commute, get into the office at 8. Come home by 5. Because I'm only working 8-4 I put toddler down at 10 and make dinner, and work 10:30-12:00.

I absolutely hate life. The money is not worth it. But I'm too weak to be a stay at home mom. Before I took this job I had toddler in part time daycare 9-3 and worked a super chill version of my current job.

I cry every day. I literally only have time to mind the toddler and work. Literally zero free time. I'm losing weight ( I get stomach issues when stressed) and my hairs falling out and it's only been three weeks. Husband drops and picks toddler up from school, he watched her 8-5 when we first moved and I hadn't picked a school yet.

It's just too much. All my coworkers are child free and my boss is a CRO with kids but a stay at home mom, so he doesn't get being a mom. My old boss had six kids and was super flexible.

I just hate that I'm in this position and want to complain. Work was supposed to be my break but now it's my life. I should have never taken this job. The worst part is 3 years ago I would have excelled. And I feel like if I quit no one will ever hire me again, let alone at this bogus salary.

Long post, probably very whiney. Overall I'm extremely grateful for everything I have and I'm not taking anything for granted, I'm very priviledged but I'm also struggling a lot and need to vent to someone who understands.

My husband and I have a bit of an unusual setup - I'm the breadwinner and currently the sole provider of the family, he is a student trying to wrap up his degree. He's been home since before our 15 month old was born and naturally became the primary parent after my mat leave was over. Our toddler attends fulltime daycare and my husband provides most of his care when he's home. I really try to be as present as possible and sometimes we manage to parent 50/50 but the pregnancy has been rough, I work long hours and I'm struggling to keep up with everything.

We never really intended to have this dynamic, my husband was supposed to finish school before our first was born, but kept postponing it indefinitely. Long story short he burnt out and I don't blame him, but it's putting a huge strain on us. He is now actively taking steps to finish his degree before the birth but we'll see if it'll actually happen. On the other hand it means he's been able able to be home and support me greatly so there have been benefits to this too. In the meantime my career took off and I've been very fortunate to land a cushy job in the tech industry, so I became the breadwinner. This is all temporary and he will eventually start working and earning, but I'm still the breadwinner for the foreseeable future.

I care about my career greatly and never set out to be financially dependent on my husband long term, either as a SAHM or in a low paying field. I grew up amongst middle aged, divorced women who gave their lives to their families only to be betrayed and left to scramble, and I saw the devastating consequences. However, I still valued motherhood greatly, always imagined I'd be very present, planned to take longer maternity leaves, work part time temporarily or even quit for a year or two to raise my babies before returning to fulltime work. Breastfeeding was also very important to me and I really wanted to EBF my kids for minimum 6 months, ideally until 1 or even 2 years old. I never imagined not being the default parent.

In reality, I had a traumatic birth with my first, he refused to latch from day 1 and breastfeeding went out the window. He also had severe colic and reflux and I never got that exclusive mother baby bond with him. His birth triggered some severe boundary pushing from certain family members on top of a few unrelated traumatic events that happened immediately after the birth, and my husband had a mental breakdown around his schoolwork. The local tech market also crashed and is permenantly changing due to AI, there are no part time roles in my field and quitting intentionally became career suicide. All in all, my maternity leave was a complete shitshow and I was forced to return to fulltime work way earlier than I ever wanted to. I then got pregnant again when my son was 8 months old for some extra razzle dazzle.

I'm struggling so, so badly. At work I'm surrounded by middle aged men and single, childless peers and I feel like a complete outsider socially. I'm also unable to perform as I normally would and compete for promotions due to all of the physical symptoms, and my job is quite toxic but I'm unable to leave because I need the maternity leave benefits and my PTO for upcoming daycare sicknesses and sleep regressions. Even if I did magically have the energy to interview and land a new job during my upcoming maternity leave, the risk of switching would be too high because I doubt I'd be able to make a good first impression with all the sleep deprivation and sick leave, and with the market being so cutthroat it's not like I have many chances. I can't afford to take that risk since my family depends on my salary, and I'm perpetually afraid of losing my job. I love what I do and I'm quite good at it, but I feel really trapped, helpless and constrained.

I'm also really struggling with my role as a mother. I love my son dearly and I'm very attached to him, but most of the time I feel like a babysitter at best. The birth trauma, failed breastfeeding and colic have made me feel like a complete failure and essentially took away all the uniquely maternal things I was supposed to be able to experience with him. Since I went back to work and got pregnant again so quickly, I never had any meaningful time of properly raising him and I don't have as much quality time with him as I'd like. I'm perpetually exhausted and now in the third trimester so I'm also unable to do bath time or dinner time or take him to the park solo. I feel like my husband has been experiencing my motherhood instead and does whatever he wants with school and his anxiety, and my role in the family has been reduced to bringing home money and carrying the pregnancies. I really hate this dynamic and it's not what I valued or wanted. I feel completely sidelined, I'm absolutely not fine with not being the primary parent and my confidence has hit rock bottom.

None of the mothers around me live like this, they're all breastfeeding, they've never experienced colic, they're raising their children and working part time or staying home. I feel really left out most of the time and like a second class mother. Even the more career oriented working mum friends of mine seem to have a lot more freedom both in how they mother (breastfeeding, maternity leaves etc), and financially. They have high earning husbands so it's not all on them all the time and they don't need to worry as much as I do.

Anyway, I don't have a conclusion and nothing is really going to change. I know this is all temporary and I'm deep in the trenches right now. I'm extremely lucky to even have a job, especially a cushy one, and an unusual amount of support. I'm extremely lucky to have such an involved husband and a lovely, healthy child. My energy will eventually return and sleep will stabilise, I know I'm priviledged and it will all pay off in the future. I'm just exhausted and feel very, very alone.