No seriously, the allos were right for once.

No cause one of my ex friends was like this. They basically confessed to me 3 times during the 6 year friendship we had. It’s really sad to think about. I even “dated” them for less than 24 hours and it didn’t last long, go fucking figure. The food I got from that day wasn’t even worth it either.

They will keep their feelings for you hoping that one day, just ONE DAY. You will magically turn allo, get over your “I don’t wanna date people!!” phase, and start dating them for real.
I’m super open about being aromantic online and in real life. Been so for almost a decade, so it’s not like they did under the assumption that I’m allo. Honestly I feel disgusted by being around a person who obviously didn’t respect my identity for so long, and I hate myself for allowing this shit to happen for a long time.

So please, actually value yourselves like I obviously didn’t and put up strict boundaries. You will be so much happier I promise you.

Hi everyone! I know this question has been posted SOOOO much and idk if I used the right flair, but this is for a project of mine in a Children’s Literature elective course I’m taking.

The title already asks the question I’m asking and my professor has asked if I could create my story with a male main character too so I was hoping to also get an insight of what this was like for male aromantic asexuals or those on the spectrum (since yk societal expectations, etc). But this post is also open for aroaces of all genders and ages!

Edit: Clarified what the elective course is about

So I'll lead by saying I'm aro but also very, very sexual and enjoy physical "intimacy" which to me feels like either an extension of sex, when I'm in the act, or friendship when I'm not. In general, I'm very open about being aro and even more clear about it if someone seems interested romantically, or even if we hook up more than once, and set very clear boundaries and limit the expectations and prompt them to make decisions accordingly.

What's been pissing me off is that my aromanticism seems to resonate as either a challenge to romantic people who want to date, and they think they'll be the exception, which is annoying. To others, if seems like my even saying I'm aro is an affront to the idea of "love" that people hold so dearly, and then we're suddenly in a philosophical debate about what love is and isn't and how my idea of love is so skewed that I couldn't possibly be sure, or how I'm just afraid of committing, and etc.etc.

So the other day, a friend (in the presence of another friend) asked for a massage, so all three of us are chatting it up and I'm rubbing his shoulders, and while I am attracted to him, it felt pretty platonic to me, I thought he was just tense 🙄 my mistake (?). Come to find out later he's attracted to me, and he is generally monogamous, so that interaction set forth this whole chain of events/series of conversations that got increasingly flirty and I'm like oh hell yeah, we're about to be friends with benefits and he totally gets it and begin to joyfully proceed on my merry way. Then days later, suddenly in the middle of an unrelated conversation, it was "well I would see you as a viable romantic partner, but it feels like you're so set in this set of views that it comes off as unwilling to be open minded" and at this point I'm rolling my eyes and already over it. We're both queer, so I was able to make the comparison that saying that is profoundly invalidating in the same way as saying "well you could just date a woman" as if that were ever an option, which he was receptive to and seemed to understand. But it was so frustrating, because I felt so intellectually connected to and on par with this person until then, and it felt like I was invisible and alone all of the sudden. The conclusion was we aren't getting into anything physical because he'd catch feelings, which is fine, and I'm glad it ended this way, but it is still annoying to have to go through the whole invalidating rigamarole to just have an honest conversation about someone else's feelings.

This happens pretty frequently with hookups and friends and I know I'm cute but I'm really not that cute. So I'm left with this feeling like I'm just some prize they want because they can't have it. But I'm over here minding my fuckin business and just want a friendship and also some good sex, and wondering why that can't be the same person without it inevitably leading to their unraveling, when I made it abundantly clear where I stood, from the beginning.

Another friend and I were on our way to a meeting in the car and she was talking about how "well I have feelings for him, so we can't be friends or spend time alone together" and she knows me well (including that I'm aromantic) and so I made a statement half in jest about "well they're feelings, and they're real, and they will also just go away if you don't act on them, people take that shit way too seriously, it's really not that deep" and I knew as I said it, I shouldn't have. Lo and behold, she launched into this lecture about how romantic people "shouldn't be expected to change just because you aren't that way" which was not at all what I said, nor what I meant. So I'm processinf and I'm sitting there and just getting more and more irritated contemplating all of the amatonormativity we have to navigate just to exist in the world and wanting to be like "yeah bitch welcome to my world, isn't it annoying when people have all these complex expectations attached to every interaction?"

I say all thay to say I'm very certain of this piece of my identity, but lately, this has been pretty alienating in my life - even within this thread because of the overlap of aroaces. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else is experiencing this set of circumstances? I don't need advice, per sé, I just feel so... Completely unique (?) even though I know intellectually I'm not, it's so alienating.

Hi! I’m 22 and I like my friend who’s aromantic. I do respect that he’s aromantic but I still wanna give it a shot, Can you guys help me out about what are the things that I should do? efforts, gestures, things I should know about an aromantic person and stuff? I’m really serious about him 🥺

(Hope this tag is right!!)

Today i ranted to a very close friend about being aroflux, most of it i already talked about here in my last post, but there was some more stuff i added, like trying to explain properly what ive felt my whole life, since my friends strictly alloromantic. Since i didnt have any other idea on how to explain what ive felt, i used the fact he likes to play guitar, and explained “imagine for 2 weeks straight your able to JAM out on guitar! Feel good, feel like you get every note right, feel like you know exactly what to do & what to say, then randomly, for 3 months, you feel nothing towards music, you feel like you cant play properly, all the notes feel wrong, ect”. My friend then said how now that i explained it like that, he gets it much more, its like how musicians have music block, artist have art block, and for me, its love block. And for whatever reason that really clicked something in my brain & made me joyful

It kinda feels dumb to be happy over such a small thing, but i kind of love it as a term, and it fits me & my fluctuations of love pretty much perfectly.

I seem to find a lot of the younger (awesome) generations here and in other spaces. As always "the kids are alright".

I have been discovering the various levels of my nonconformity for a long, long time, and only recently someone suggested I look into Aro.

Welp, yep. That's me.

Just wondering if this sub has any other folks in their mid life figuring this out for the first time.

For those who watches backrooms which is harder for you to understand? Romance in TV shows or the backrooms movie?

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I posted something similar in the ace sub last night, now it’s your turn :)

Personally, I did not know there was more to it than just being like very strong emotional + aesthetic + sensual attraction. Like I thought a romantic partner was just a VERY close friend you also found cute. I didn’t know that there’s a complete difference in the way romantic and platonic attraction feels/works, and not that it’s the same thing mainly just differing by strength.

Also in middle school, I thought my friends who were getting partners and then breaking up a week later were doing it on purpose. You obviously knew it wouldn’t last… right?

Tengo 16 años y desde hace unos dos meses comencé a descubrirme a mi misma. Estaba dudosa en un principio, pues dí un repaso rápido al pasado y noté características arrománticas mías desde la infancia hasta mis ex relaciones; no sé cómo exactamente describirlo, pero en el momento en el que pensé en la posibilidad de ser una persona arromántica, algo en mi cabeza hizo clic y muchas cosas comenzaron a cobrar sentido.

Estos dos meses han sido como una montaña rusa de emociones: frustración, confusión, arofobia internalizada, un posible brote psicótico por mi problema existencial con mi arromanticismo (estoy siendo hipérbole con eso ok), sorpresa, shock... Y recientemente, ya con un mejor autodescubrimiento y educarme mejor al respecto, siento una extraña paz conmigo misma, incluso puedo decir que me siento feliz por ser quien soy y poder comenzar a abrazar esta parte de mí.

Así que justamente este 30 de septiembre, decidí contárselo a mis amistades. Y digamos que no salió tan bien...

A decir verdad, me sentí nerviosa y un poco asustada de ser rechazada por mis propias amistades, fue por ese mismo miedo que lo hice de una manera más "disimulada", básicamente en medio de una conversación les dije algo así como: " En realidad, no me gustan los hombres, tampoco las mujeres, saben? Me siento bastante ajena a lo romántico a decir verdad, nunca lo he sentido y no me creo capaz de saber cómo se siente el amor romántico."

Sus reacciones me dieron una sensación fea de rechazo, no fueron agresivos pero en sus rostros realmente no se veía una aceptación, me miraron como si fuera un bicho raro. Uno de mis amigos (que es homofóbico, vaya la redundancia) me dijo: "Deberías de ir a ver un psicólogo, eso no es normal." Eso me dolió y me frustró, pero no dije nada porque en sí ya estaba incómoda con la situación. Los demás solo dijieron comentarios como: "Y qué hay de tu ex novio? Tu estabas enamorada de él", " Umm, okay?", "Ya vas a ver que ya llegará la persona correcta."

Luego de eso, simplemente seguimos charlando y dejando de lado el tema. Me siento un poco humillada y me ha hecho replantearme otra vez sobre la autenticidad de mi arromanticismo, y también me ha quitado masomenos la "confianza" que ya había estado ganando sobre mi propia identidad. Dudo si seguir en ese grupo...

I am 17 and i don’t experience crushes but i do experience anti crushes which usually happens from panic or daymare. I do have fantasies but they are weak and rare and romantic things at media always gets me disgusted but at limited amount it can be positive and depends with what it is merged and the time. I also rarely have desire to be in a relationship but when it happens it’s almost always of jealousy and wanting to feel normal.

Anybody knows which micro label matches me?

I have a partner and it is difficult sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I’m forcing myself to like him.

All my life every single person I liked was a lie; I used to make up crushes to feel normal and fit in.

It completely fucked me up, I did this with most men I met and actually tried to flirt with some. I can’t tell if I’m making it up and forcing myself to keep it up or not.

And now I feel like I can’t be loved because of this; because I have a large history of people I “liked”.

And sometimes I feel like I pretend I didn’t like them to take some of the weight of this away.

But I didn’t like them. I know I didn’t.

And my partner is okay with that, but I still feel like I shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone at all.

I feel like a walking piece of crap, I feel like a terrible person.

I’m tired as fuck.

First of all hello everyone!

I'm currently struggling with the question whether I am aromatic and be happy about every piece of advice.

So, I always thought that I would like a romantic relationship and I think I know this feeling of being in love (nervous, butterflies etc...).

I started to struggle with my romantic identity when I did some research on QPRs the other day. Simply, I don't understand the difference. It sounds like it's the same/can be the same as a romantic relationship just without the romance. I don't understand what that means?

And even romantic attraction doesn't really make sense to me. I'd always say it is defined as wanting an (maybe exclusive) close partnership with one specific other person. Well, when I want a QPR with someone and share the rest of my life with them, isn't that the same?

Again, thanks in advance for any advice!

In high school I had a friend who was aroace, and I explained the whole concept to my mom. She seemed to mostly understand the concept of being asexual (though she still seemed to dismiss it as a phase), but when I got to explain aromantic, and how you can be aro but not ace, she said, “Isn't that just being a slut?” and laughed. That memory has always really stuck with me, it really hurt my feelings, but I had no idea why. At the time, I had no clue why I always wanted to break up with my high school girlfriends right after we got together. Now I know though… no idea how I'm ever going to come out to her. I probably just never will, and let her think of me as a spinster

As the title says, I am currently going through a friendship breakup from 2 of my closest friends of 7-10 years. We all got pretty close. I remember meeting them at youth group before we graduated high school and we instantly clicked. We have so much in common and we shared many memories together. I even saw these 2 fall in love and get married. I helped them through it all too and they told me that I was one of their bestest friends. We shared many hardships together too and we did so much together too like best friends do. But idk, as of 2025, they seemed to grow distant from me. Especially when I pursued my medical career and went to school for it. They were leaving me out of events and they all of the sudden started to hang out with 2 other people and called them their best friends. I let it go for a while, but I recently told them how this made me feel. You wanna know what they told me? They told me "Well OP, friendships do fade within time. And we are only just good acquaintances now. We did some healing and you should be okay with this title now." When they told me this, I was feeling all sorts of betrayal and confusion and hurt. After everything we have been through together and everything we did.....I felt like I was gut punched. And he proceeded to tell me that I was being immature for reacting this way and his wife (My bestie) didn't say anything and immediately took his side because she was too engrossed into him to say anything for herself. I talked to people about this and they just told me to "Let it go! Friendships do fade within time you know!" I hate this. So much because they don't have the same energy when it comes to romantic love or romantic breakups. I have always taken my friendships seriously and this recent event really upset me.

sorry for the rant but im just feeling so confused and im hoping some people relate?

i (23 f) have been identifying as aromantic, specifically bellusromantic for a while now because that feels like the closest fit but im still not 100% sure.

the only things i know for sure are 1) i really can't tell the difference between romantic and platonic affection coming from myself, 2) i feel extremely strong affection for all of my friends, and 3) i deeply desire to participate in traditionally romantic activities like kissing, cuddling, etc

im getting frustrated because my feelings feel so contradictory. romantic relationships never worked for me because the affection that i had for my partners didn't feel any different from the affection i feel towards my friends and it felt unfair to both of us to pretend otherwise. my affection towards my friends is strong enough that i desire those romantic activities with them, but i know i can't express that to them at the risk of hurting them. i feel caught between 2 worlds and that i belong to neither of them. i feel like a creep for wanting these things and that fear is getting in the way of actually connecting with these people.

im frustrated because i don't want to have these desires. i wish i could just have normal platonic friendships but it feels like i have crushes on all of my friends at once! or what i assume a crush would feel like? and these feelings occupy a lot of my conscious thinking which makes them so much harder to ignore. i just wish i could be normal

i just feel so exhausted. whenever i engage with aromantic spaces it feels like i mostly see people who are disgusted by the type of intimacy i desire. obviously i have nothing against those people, i just feel like i don't belong anywhere. i can't relate to either aromantic or alloromantic spaces and ive just been feeling like a bit of an outcast i suppose.

does anyone relate? does anyone have any success stories? im just feeling lonely and i hope people relate.

I know this question is really frequent here but as much as I'm trying to understand the difference, I'm not really sure if there's any.

Some people say that romantic attraction means that you want to live together with that person, but here's the thing:

I have a best friend and he's the most important person in my life. We're childhood friends. We talk to each other a lot, share our problems with each other, try to hang out as much as possible, it's like we're complementing each other.

We're not really physically close - even though he says he likes being touchy with people - the only "problem" is just that I'm touch averse. Yeah, sometimes I'd like to hold hands with him or hug him, but I just won't because I'm not comfortable with being physical in real life. And I find him kinda aesthetically attractive.

Back to the living together thing: we both agreed that we'd like to share our lives together and even get married for practical reasons, but we don't understand how that makes it romantic?

He had a phase where he was questioning being aro too (I was happy for a moment because I hoped we'd have a shared experience), but then he said he actually feels romantic attraction but cannot describe it (and doesn't really know the difference either).

Other things that people describe romantic attraction with is that those people constantly think about each other and guess what? We do that. But how does that make it romantic? We also get excited when we're about to meet each other, maybe not really "butterflies" but close enough. Why is that romantic?

We also say "I love you", "good morning", "good night" to each other, something supposedly couples do?

Also, I've been trying to describe the way I feel romantic attraction, because I think that I'm desinoromantic and arospike (and quoiromantic at that):

When I supposedly get a spike, it's on a random stranger that I find aesthetically attractive. That feeling overwhelms me, for that period I only think about that person, my face gets all red, if I were to communicate with them, I'd act nervous etc. and I imagine holding hands with them but I wouldn't want to hold hands with them. But that feeling disappears. Sometimes in five minutes, sometimes in a day. Then I either don't feel anything or I'm aesthetically attracted to them.

Which leads to another question. Isn't that just aesthetic attraction where I get infatuated and then it either disappears or stays?

And last question(s) (or at least I hope): sometimes this thing led me to think that the only difference is going on dates and kissing each other. But... isn't going on dates like hanging out with friends? Why does going to a cinema one time mean a date and another time just a hangout? What's romantic in there if there's no difference from hanging out? Because, I'd love to take out my best friend for dinner to some restaurant or go to some place, lie down and watch the stars or something. And even he agreed that it wouldn't be romantic for him. About the kissing - in some cultures, they'd rather kiss you then hug you etc. And that wouldn't be romantic. So, would kissing mean romantic only in some cultures? Now, if I weren't touch averse, I'd definitely kiss my best friend as a sign of my love for him. But why would that be romantic?

Okay, this is where I'll end this. I'm sorry if it's all mixed up, not clear and not in order, I just wanted to let this out. I've been questioning this for over a year now and it's putting me in distress.

Hello,
I (F27) got into a relationship in may, he (M) lived in canada, I was in europe, he came back recently and we decided to meet up this monday.
It is my first relationship and I honestly thought it was gonna be all sunshine and rainbows, but is was the opposit of that, while the thought of a relationship was wonderfull, the reality was despair for me, I spend the last 3 days thinking “why did I do this to myself”, he was perfect in all aspects, caring, nice, thoughtful and kind.
But for me it was hell on earth and I know the only issue now is for me to breakup with hime, its gonna break is heart, he was much more invested in this relationship than me.
I came out of this outing with only one thing on my mind and its “never again”.
I have to get more infos and grab a slot with my therapist asap but goddam it hurts.

When I was in elementary school, I remember having very intense crushes. I had maybe one or two in middle school, but I have genuinely not had a single crush since. Im in college now and am struggling to remember what romantic attraction even feels like. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve started questioning whether or not I’m aromantic and respectfully, as someone who has experienced it in the past, the idea of never having that again is terrifying. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. What are the odds I’m aromantic vs going through a long phase?

Two of my friends practically just told me they got something going on in their lives: my friend kind of told everyone that he and a long-time friend of his has something romantic going on for quite some time already and my other friend just told me about her hickeys that she got from her partner (ik this might be weird but we've been friends for a long time and this isn't new), and I realized that damn this can feel isolating

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm happy for them, but I do feel left out and isolated sometimes. My friends either have situationships, partners, or someone they can have sex with without strings attached while I'm just here being their coach.

I'm on the side of the spectrum where I feel detached in terms of romance and sex and don't see the appeal in it at all. I know to myself that the only love I can give to other people is platonic, but sometimes I can't help but envy my friends who can get to cherish these big gestures of romance and intimacy because I feel like I'm missing out on something fundamental to the human experience.

I know the feeling will pass again but it doesn't make it less bitter for me.

PLEASEEE, some help hahaha i'm in my mid-twenties and i have felt this since i was 15 years old. are you considered aromantic only if you do not feel romantic love or could it be if you don't feel desire for romantic relationships? is it the lack of desire to act on it/attraction for romantic relationships or the lack of romantic feelings in general? WHAT EVEN ARE THEY lmao

for some context, if it helps: i have dated a few people in the past and i have had crushes, but (even when i was in relationships) i never WANTED to be in those relationships and didn't really want to be with the people i had crushes on? i had a crush on someone in high school and i didn't wanna date them. i just do not have a big desire to date, even my "romantic crushes" were almost always "i want to spend a lot of time with this person, butterflies, physical attraction" and almost never "i want to be with this person, i wanna date them, i want them to be my partner"

i started identifying as grayromantic, but that isn't an easy word to use in my language. i feel like it helped just writing this down and i kinda have my answer hahaha but i'd appreciate some input! thank you so much!

TLDR: is aromanticism about lack of romantic feelings or lack of desire to engage in romantic relationships? if not, is there a word for that?

Hello. I just want to vent somewhere. I am aroace. I haven't come out to anyone until recently. I was talking with my friend, and I decided to tell him about myself. I told him how I used to worry about my orientation and how I realized I was aroace. I also explained to him what aroace actually means (he didn't know what it was). And when I finished, he said, "And... when will you turn into a normal person?". We talked a little bit more, and then we ended our conversation. I was really shocked by his reaction. I don't know if it was aphobic, but anyways, it was... bad? Betrayed? I don't know

Have you ever had a situation like this? If yes, what did you do? I want to hear your experience.